A plea for help … my recovery journey.

Royboy99 · Oct 24, 2025

necromedic said:
@Royboy99 I admire your self-awareness, and I apologize if my comment came off as any sort of suggestion or endorsement, as it certainly was not. Far too few people consider the health of their psyche when approaching them as you do. Fire can keep you warm, safe and fed, but it can also burn your F-ing house down.

No worries brother , I understood the intent of your suggestion … and I must apologize, sometimes the tone of my responses don’t come across as cordial … while no excuse for it, I do find myself in routine states of fight or flight and it doesn’t translate well at times.

On a positive note, I did finalize an order for diazepam and will be eagerly awaiting its arrival. I will update the community on its effectiveness and hope this is the step in the right direction. I refuse to continue living this way and must make a change !

Thank you all for support!

jjjjjjjjj · Oct 24, 2025

Royboy99 said:
No worries brother , I understood the intent of your suggestion … and I must apologize, sometimes the tone of my responses don’t come across as cordial … while no excuse for it, I do find myself in routine states of fight or flight and it doesn’t translate well at times.

On a positive note, I did finalize an order for diazepam and will be eagerly awaiting its arrival. I will update the community on its effectiveness and hope this is the step in the right direction. I refuse to continue living this way and must make a change !

Thank you all for support!

I'm very glad to hear you've been able to find what you were looking for and wish you the best in improving your situation!

I obviously can't speak to how necromedic interpreted your comment but for what it's worth I don't think your tone has come across poorly through this thread. You have given the impression to me of being thoughtful and kind in the interactions I've seen in here. I do get that about being in a routine state of fight or flight not translating well though. And in general can be hard to read tone into text. Your willingness/desire to clarify about your tone further shows thoughtfulness in my opinion.

Anyway, wishing you the best and glad to have you as a part of this community!

Royboy99 · Oct 24, 2025

jjjjjjjjj said:
I'm very glad to hear you've been able to find what you were looking for and wish you the best in improving your situation!

I obviously can't speak to how necromedic interpreted your comment but for what it's worth I don't think your tone has come across poorly through this thread. You have given the impression to me of being thoughtful and kind in the interactions I've seen in here. I do get that about being in a routine state of fight or flight not translating well though. And in general can be hard to read tone into text. Your willingness/desire to clarify about your tone further shows thoughtfulness in my opinion.

Anyway, wishing you the best and glad to have you as a part of this community!

Thanks friend!

jjjjjjjjj said:
I'm very glad to hear you've been able to find what you were looking for and wish you the best in improving your situation!

I obviously can't speak to how necromedic interpreted your comment but for what it's worth I don't think your tone has come across poorly through this thread. You have given the impression to me of being thoughtful and kind in the interactions I've seen in here. I do get that about being in a routine state of fight or flight not translating well though. And in general can be hard to read tone into text. Your willingness/desire to clarify about your tone further shows thoughtfulness in my opinion.

Anyway, wishing you the best and glad to have you as a part of this community

It's refreshing to return here after a few days and read with a fresh perspective.

I'm beyond grateful this community exists… a lifeline when I've felt desperate for support.

I recently scheduled a therapist visit to confront the suffocating anxiety and overwhelming urge to find any solution to what I'm going through.

But honestly, the state of mental health care I've experienced is an utter disgrace. Prescribed benzos as a young teen… Xanax pushed by some eager GP doctor, no warnings, no way out.

30 years later, Now a full grown middle aged adult male, I'm dismissed, denied gabapentin PRN like it's contraband, shoved the latest SSRI like soup du jour. no one is listening, no one believes me… driven to tears. A terrible look. I’m literally crying because I’m being denied care. And trying to keep it all together before I’m caught looking this weak.

So I'm doing what I did before: helping myself. Thank God for spaces like this, that let adults actually take charge instead of begging egos for scraps.

Writing clears the fog. Years wasted bouncing between hope and dead ends, system hooked on quick scripts, not care. Therapy taught me to wait for rescue; rescue never came.

So I'm back on my own… building tools against the anxiety… a sheer terror, a panic that crashes in like a homicidal maniac kicking my front door down.

I get relief some days writing, breathing, working out, and others just holding till dawn.

But no more of … toughing it out is saintly. Suffering isn't virtue-it's a sentence. Why rot for purity points when help sits right here? stillness is the real danger. I'm not preaching; I'm just alive.

Few more days till the package hits. @JasonRx … just knowing that it’s on the horizon is helping me more than anything I’ve tried in the past 3 weeks. The gleeful anticipation it’s coming, my relief!

And , Ive inquired about etizolam.. thinking not to ditch diazepam, but rotate it. Curious if alternating keeps “tolerance” down and mood up?

I heard it does more than numb, it actually lightens the room. Might be nothing.

Worth testing. Anyone experiment ?

jjjjjjjjj · Oct 25, 2025

Royboy99 said:
Thanks friend!

It's refreshing to return here after a few days and read with a fresh perspective.

I'm beyond grateful this community exists… a lifeline when I've felt desperate for support.

I recently scheduled a therapist visit to confront the suffocating anxiety and overwhelming urge to find any solution to what I'm going through.

But honestly, the state of mental health care I've experienced is an utter disgrace. Prescribed benzos as a young teen… Xanax pushed by some eager GP doctor, no warnings, no way out.

30 years later, Now a full grown middle aged adult male, I'm dismissed, denied gabapentin PRN like it's contraband, shoved the latest SSRI like soup du jour. no one is listening, no one believes me… driven to tears. A terrible look. I’m literally crying because I’m being denied care. And trying to keep it all together before I’m caught looking this weak.

So I'm doing what I did before: helping myself. Thank God for spaces like this, that let adults actually take charge instead of begging egos for scraps.

Writing clears the fog. Years wasted bouncing between hope and dead ends, system hooked on quick scripts, not care. Therapy taught me to wait for rescue; rescue never came.

So I'm back on my own… building tools against the anxiety… a sheer terror, a panic that crashes in like a homicidal maniac kicking my front door down.

I get relief some days writing, breathing, working out, and others just holding till dawn.

But no more of … toughing it out is saintly. Suffering isn't virtue-it's a sentence. Why rot for purity points when help sits right here? stillness is the real danger. I'm not preaching; I'm just alive.

Few more days till the package hits. @JasonRx … just knowing that it’s on the horizon is helping me more than anything I’ve tried in the past 3 weeks. The gleeful anticipation it’s coming, my relief!

And , Ive inquired about etizolam.. thinking not to ditch diazepam, but rotate it. Curious if alternating keeps “tolerance” down and mood up?

I heard it does more than numb, it actually lightens the room. Might be nothing.

Worth testing. Anyone experiment ?

I'm so sorry that you've had such poor experiences with mental health care. It's awful the state of mental health care is what it is here. I hope that the therapist visit is at least helpful if you've not already been to it. Also wanted to mention, the website Psychology Today has a tool called Find a Therapist that can be really helpful if the therapist you are currently scheduled with ends up not being the right fit. It has a bunch of different filtering and sorting options. So you can filter to show only therapists who accept your insurance, and filter to show therapists who specialize in a variety of topics. That being said if you've had poor experiences in therapy and are wanting to stay back on your own, I totally get that as well.

I am glad you find some relief in writing, working out, and breathing too. I think you write very well. Those types of activities can definitely be a big help. I know for me playing guitar brings a ton of mental health benefits.

I am glad you are taking that view of not treating suffering as a virtue too. That is something I have been working on unlearning as well. I don't know if this is the case for you but I know for myself I've often held a double standard with that, where for myself I treat suffering as a virtue but I seek to alleviate or minimize the suffering of others, so I have been working on treating myself the same way as far as alleviating my own suffering. If my glass is empty, I can't pour anything into someone else's glass who needs it.

I am extremely grateful for the existence of this community as well. Has certainly been very helpful to me both in the connections I've made here and the mags I've been able to access by becoming a sponsor. Have found some mags that have provided a good deal of therapeutic benefits for me through this site, and have met a lot of wonderful people here.

As to your question, I have not tried étìz.

A plea for help … my recovery journey.

Royboy99

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Royboy99

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jjjjjjjjj

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