Abusive family member.

[VII]

Well this is actually very heartbreaking but I do need advice. Before I start, just got off the phone with an uncle of mine even though it's after midnight seeing it was serious.

Alright, so here's the story. A family member of mine recently had a stroke and is in the hospital so I'm taking care of their house and pets while they're at the hospital. My younger sister tends to stop by to relax sometimes which is perfectly okay seeing nothing has ever gone wrong plus I was cooking some burgers and fish (around 7-8 PM). I was cleaning the house up a bit and asked her to please clean up some of her stuff seeing she leaves absolutely everything everywhere, not even kidding she leaves things on the floor, under tables, doesn't use the trash can most of the time which is quite disgusting. 

That seemed to piss her off once I asked her to please clean up some of her stuff so the house can remain presentable incase a neighbor or anyone stops by, well it set her off to the point where there was a lot of verbal abuse coming from her along with punching me, shoving, trying to provoke me to hit her (I'm her brother) however I would never hit a woman under any circumstance. She kept yelling and ranting about absolutely everything while being very physical not allowing me to get away. The moment I decided just to go into a bedroom within my family members house and lock the door she stood infront of it, grabbed me by the neck and hair which was absolutely strange why she was acting like this.

I had to hold onto her arms with my hands to stop the hitting seeing I had two seizures in the past few days and I couldn't handle such things seeing I was very weak today after all the things that happened before and after the seizure. I had to push her away to create distance, lightly of course to prevent any further harm to myself and merely go in the room, lock the door and wait. She has been very destructive, throwing things around at me personally and around the house just messing the house up completely. Remember, this isn't my house this is a family members house that I do not own so such behavior can really destroy the house and with the economy being pretty bad not everyone can afford to fix any damage done, just want to make sure when their out of the hospital their house is as good as new just how they left it.

So, here I am locked inside a bedroom trying to figure out what to do. She is on drugs (narcotics, weed, etc) which are used in a recreational way and I believe the drugs mixed with the stress we both have caused her to be this way. The issue is I'm absolutely clueless on what to do here seeing I would hate to see my little sister go to jail so I can't call the police and I don't want to worry my family too much, however I did have to call my uncle which is a retired police officer for advice on the situation and it pretty much boiled down to calling the police which I didn't do. Not to mention now that the family is getting involved I have no idea what to expect seeing she has good ways to stretch the truth and potentially turn them against me.

I'm not sure guys and gals, this is very rough which is why I'm asking for advice. The sibling is in her 20's and had plans to go to rehab however seeing the family member had a stroke and she was living with that family member shes unable to attend her rehab. I'm not fully sure what I did that caused this nor am I sure what to do, it's a very sensitive subject to deal with. I want her to have a good life and live her life to the fullest but if shes going to treat family members like this...it's just heartbreaking seeing she's probably treating others like this aswell which will prevent her from having a good life.

Perhaps anyone has had a similar issue or could shine some insight on what would most likely be the best thing to do here? Even though I'm an adult I still never expected this to happen especially from a family member. This has been going on for over two years now, she abused most if not all the family we have left and we're all clueless on what to do besides putting her in jail to learn a lesson or something along those lines...we've held off doing that for her well being seeing shes still family you know? 

Well, I know I sound like a wimp in this situation but I'd prefer not to retaliate against a woman attacking me seeing I'm a male. Males should never harm females, that's what I was taught as a child decades ago and I plan on keeping that. I assumed locking myself in a room would be the best bet to avoid any injuries that could of occurred and make sure I'm just out of her way so to speak.

Any and all advice would be appreciated. Sorry for the long message, just wanted to get the major details out there.

-VII

 

[newdaze]

Why are you so afraid for her to go to jail. I'd give her a chance to fix it or let her sit. And hey there's free rehab right there unless she cops something when in. It's not right that you are a prisoner in that house and it sounds like she has serious anger problems. Give her a chance to fix it when she's cooled down or let her sit. Jail does suck tho 

 

[VII]

Why are you so afraid for her to go to jail. I'd give her a chance to fix it or let her sit. And hey there's free rehab right there unless she cops something when in. It's not right that you are a prisoner in that house and it sounds like she has serious anger problems. Give her a chance to fix it when she's cooled down or let her sit. Jail does suck tho 

It's a very sensitive thing, shes a family member and I don't want to ruin a family members reputation to the point they can't get a job again you know? I care about this family member even if she physically and mentally abused me for a long period of time. She was supposed to go to rehab this month but since the family member she was living with at the time had a stroke she can't seeing she is doing her best to help with the bills and what not so shes working insanely hard.

It's not that I'm scared, I just don't want to harm her in any way shape or form including ruining her reputation. 

 

[girlgerms]

Im not understanding, does your sister live in the house you are homesitting?

I think its a good choice not to involve the police. Domestic violence is a felony and at least in a case like this, should be used as a last resort, since nobody was injured.

Me personally.... I have never tried to physically fight a man. Reason being, I dont want to get hit back by a grown man. Im guessing she understands that you will not be knocking her on her ass if she comes at you like that? 

Can I ask, do you under normal circumstances pick at your sister for being messy?  Usually people who are messy etc, have been this way their whole life. It might not be worth it for you, during such a stressful time, to poke at someone who is overworked and on drugs? Unless this is something you get after her about all the time...maybe its not a good time to be critical? I know its not easy..Im known as a bit of a control freak and it annoys me to no end when people are disorganized and messy. I find it easier on myself to just pick up other peoples messes since it bothers me more than them and move on.

She should apologise to you and if you feel you have anything to apologise for, you should. Try to mend this relationship the best you can. Maybe after her rehab would be a better time. Or, you can tell her that if she comes at you like a man, she will hit back like a man. I kid.

 

[VII]

Im not understanding, does your sister live in the house you are homesitting?

I think its a good choice not to involve the police. Domestic violence is a felony and at least in a case like this, should be used as a last resort, since nobody was injured.

Me personally.... I have never tried to physically fight a man. Reason being, I dont want to get hit back by a grown man. Im guessing she understands that you will not be knocking her on her ass if she comes at you like that? 

Can I ask, do you under normal circumstances pick at your sister for being messy?  Usually people who are messy etc, have been this way their whole life. It might not be worth it for you, during such a stressful time, to poke at someone who is overworked and on drugs? Unless this is something you get after her about all the time...maybe its not a good time to be critical? I know its not easy..Im known as a bit of a control freak and it annoys me to no end when people are disorganized and messy. I find it easier on myself to just pick up other peoples messes since it bothers me more than them and move on.

She should apologise to you and if you feel you have anything to apologise for, you should. Try to mend this relationship the best you can. Maybe after her rehab would be a better time. Or, you can tell her that if she comes at you like a man, she will hit back like a man. I kid.

Yes, she lives in the house that I'm homesitting seeing shes all over the place and can't really take care of the house herself seeing she has a shopping problem, the house was an absolute mess before I was there because of her so I've been working on keeping the house looking brand new for my family member that had a stroke, I'm sure they'd want to come home to a clean house.

I would never hit a female, I have set standards for myself and I refuse to harm a female in any way shape or form. I just have the upmost respect for females, she is however intermediated by me for some reason. Perhaps it's because I'm a lot stronger than she is, I'm not sure and I'm not saying females are weak I'm just stating shes fairly weak seeing she has Lupus along with a few other things that cause her to weaken up. Even the smallest things can potentially hurt her so I tried to avoid any potential contact between myself and her out of respect so she doesn't get hurt by accident.

I never pick at anyone for their wrong doings, I prefer to keep any negative comments to myself to prevent any problems. She has been this way her whole life and it broke my heart to see she was still like that. She is improving, but the issue that day was me asking her to please pick up some of her belongings she left on the floor and what not so it seems when I mention anything along those lines to her it sets her off like a firecracker. I can promise you I did not provoke such a situation, I merely politely asked her to do one thing seeing I was cooking dinner and couldn't do everything at the same time (she came in and within 10 minutes she started leaving tons of things on the floor after I already cleaned the house).

I'm not really a control freak, the main issue is the family member wants to come back to their house as soon as possible seeing their homesick. Why is that an issue? The rehabilitation center will be sending professionals to the house to see if the house is safe for her to live in after her situation. If the house is a mess it can cause risks of the family member falling down or injuring themselves therefore they wouldn't be able to come back to their house from what I was told between the whole family so I hope you can see why I would ask to just pick a few things up before she left the house seeing she never picks these things up, she expects others to do it for her. Maybe I was wrong to ask that of her even if it was small it did cause problems for some strange reason. I was unaware she was drugged up until she started acting out and caught her doing some red handed.

So, you're right from here on out might as well leave the mess situation be until she leaves the house and clean up after her to prevent any issues. I don't think shes very apologetic so I'm not worried about it. I do apologize for my wrong doings when I realize I did something wrong, that's never an issue but what is an issue is the apologies not being accepted which I cannot control so I just let it blow over after the apologies. 

Indeed, I have been doing my best to mend the relationship between us accordingly however it's fairly hard seeing she is bi-polar and she takes things the wrong way quite frequently. I try to be very careful with my wording, however it seems no matter how I word things it could set her off which is difficult to work around but I'm doing my best. We're currently not talking under any circumstance which was my own choice until things cool off, however it seems she keeps picking to get a response out of me which is quite childish if you ask me which can and has lasted hours on end before I spoke.

I love her to death but shes doing this to the entire remaining family we have including the family member that had a stroke that she was living with. We're looking into getting a psychologist involved to get the story on each person involved that has been hurt by her and see what we should do from there seeing a professional may be able to help but she needs to cooperate with us which will most likely not happen. 

Regarding injuries, I don't think I'm injured but had serious pain in my head for two days and this will be the third so we'll see how it feels today. I honestly doubt I'm injured besides her breaking my heart doing all of this but these things can't last forever you know? Life always moves on, it's just a matter of time. The real question is what should the family do here in this situation which is between the three primary family members involved (family member that had a stroke, her, and myself). It's always best in life to obtain as many opinions as you possibly can before making decisions so any advice on what to do from here for the three involved would be greatly appreciated and will be running them as options through the family. Issue is there may not be too many options available. 

I did discuss this with a handful of family members that know what's going on and are also effected by her behavior outside of the house (shes highly rude and disrespectful to any family member) to see what we should do and we've come up with an idea to somehow help her get into rehab so she can become clean-- perhaps that would help? Who knows, we'd all be chipping in for the payment seeing it's going to be in the thousands, just a matter of her accepting to go there if we plan to take that route. 

Thanks for your response and I apologize for the lengthy response, this is a mix of clarifying a few things along with updates on the situation. 

 

[Smoka90]

I'm sorry I haven't replied to this until now. I've just read it through and it does sound like a horrible situation to be in. When you said you'd had two seizures recently and you have to deal with all this too... my thoughts are with you, if that helps at all...

I think, as you've pointed out, the issue definitely seems to be with your sister, not you. You haven't done anything wrong and, from my point of view, you've dealt with this situation well by avoiding further conflict. I think the last paragraph of your latest post is what I'd pursue: talk to other family members, all agree on a way to deal with it, and act co-operatively. If you try and deal with this on your own it will be so, so more difficult.

When I have issues I always try to get other's opinions when I can. My extended family doesn't talk to each other much and I'm aware that this makes overcoming challenges difficult. So that's my main advice: talk to other family members and work together.

Again, I'm sorry for the late reply, and I really hope the situation sorts itself out soon...

 

[girlgerms]

@VII

Sorry, I was confused because I thought you wrote that you were taking care of your relatives home and your sister stopped by when all this happened.

Is she aware that the house will need to be checked out for safety and etc in order for your relative to be released to return home? This is a lot you are taking on yourself. If she lives there and is acting aggressivly, do you even think it is a safe living siuation for your relative?

Im really sorry.... you seem like such a nice person and have enough to worry about. I wish I had some decent advice but I dont. Im the youngest only sister of 4 brothers and I could not imagine raising my voice, let alone fists to any of them. All I do know is that many times when people act out in anger like that, it is rooted in feelings of hurt,pain ,confusion and loss of control over the situation. I hope you can get her some help that does not hurt everyone financially so much.

 

[Gallon]

Wow...  What an issue @VII .  I have lived with a woman who hit me before knowing I would never strike back.  This is a bad combination, especially when they do that.   I left her, and she regretted it.  I guess you can't just leave a family member.   It has been a few weeks...  maybe an update.   Myself, especially with the 2 strokes you have had, if she live there, I would have left that toxic situation.  Cleanliness is secondary to what can occur.  She stays there.  Contact the uncle and tell him. (Will your sister abuse him too? )   The answer is to leave.  That is my assessment. You can't stay in a situation like that.  Good luck @VII

 

[outofideas]

No advice. Just sad for your situation. I hope you can figure out a solution. *hugs* 

 

[Natty]

Prison/jail can ruin someone's life but it saved mine... I hope your situation is better

 

[Kinglouie]

It sounds to me she may have mental illness such as Bi-polar. My older brother is bi-polar and I go through the same thing to this day... Im an adult man that moved back in w parents and he lives here as well. 

Is she dillutiuonal to a point that she is always right..Even when what she says makes no sense? if so, This is the hardest thing to deal with IMO. Family members tend to walk on eggshells and agree to everything just to avoid a conflict bcuz the slightest resistance will set thm off.

If mental illness is suspected, all your family should know  and u should try to convince her to see a doc  

when fits happen i lock myself in my room as well. All i can say is during that intense period of time do not try to convince her she is wrong.. you can not win the argument and it escalates. the next day or when things calm down she is more than likely to kno shes wrong  . The more family that knows and/or witnesses it, the more likely she will get help  

 

[idan1120]

Prison/jail can ruin someone's life but it saved mine... I hope your situation is better

Same here. I was on a path to self destruction. 

 

[kimmyelw]

Also, it sounds like you may have symptoms of c-ptsd, commonly referred as distorted perception towards abuser. It becomes harder to tell if you have comorbid conditions that have overlapping symptoms.

I grew up with a mother who sufferred from a severe schizophrenia when i was pre-teen and teen, and it took me until i was 29 to realize and start treatment plan that my childhood basically formed my perception of the world and personality so deeply ingrained to the point where I could not tell my distorted views of society, humanity and relationship are normal or not.

While I fully understand what my mom did was due to her mental disability, it is still hard to chew, or make an eye contact with her for more than 10 seconds. After having understsnding of my symptoms, i find that keeping distance from my family helps alleviate some pain while I am getting treated at this moment.

 

[Snooky]

Sometimes my little sister punches me, because I was really hard on her when we were kids. If it really bothers me, I'll just tell her that if I -did- hit her back, it would hurt very badly.

But if she was as crazy as YOUR sister...I would have absolutely no problem putting her in a bear-hug and holding her on the floor without letting her move until she calms down. However, she could call the cops on you for that and get you arrested for false imprisonment...or even just lie and say you assaulted her. I am by no means a cop caller...but if this is at all a possibility (and it sounds like it is), then you might just have to call the cops in a situation like that. I have been in 1 situation where I had to call the cops on a friend who was fucked up and kicked in my front door. I told them I didn't want to press charges, so they didn't take him to jail. But I still felt like shit afterwards. I had no choice though. I have roommates that I didn't choose and I needed that door fixed