And yet ANOTHER divorce thread

[Back2Good]

My wife arrived home this evening from spending a week with our son's family,  and after 30 years of marriage, three kids, and a grandson, delivered the most awful speech I've ever heard about me and my ways, and how she's lost hope in anything changing for the better - But she doesn't want to leave.  I am torn between two reactions - Some of what she said warrants a "pack your things and get the hell out of my sight", but my God, to throw 30 years away?

Man, when it rains it really is time to Ranger up.

 

[Bugatti]

Sorry to hear that brother. What does she want you to change?

 

[PTFC]

Wow brother! That's a tough break. I take it flowers and a lovely meal is out of the question?

 

[Back2Good]

@Bugatti - In order to change all of the things she has on her constantly shifting mental list, I'd have to quit my job and become a handyman / subcontractor - Which would involve just as much work as I'm doing now, and just as little time to spend with her.  Catch-22.

@PTFC - Considering all of the flowers and dinners I've bought her over the years, I doubt that one more would do the trick.

I tell you, I have a perfectly maintained Ruger GP-100 that's had maybe 400 rounds put through it since I purchased it that I keep in my bedside table drawer because it is so quick to get to, so accurate, and .357 Magnum soft point ammo is so cheap.  If some sneering lawyer and leering judge fuck me hard enough in a settlement I don't plan to suffer and labor to keep her living in the manner to which she's become accustomed. Roof of the mouth and on down to the eternal lake of flame, it can't be any worse than this bullshit.

 

[PTFC]

I really hope it doesn't come to that @Back2Good. If you wish to speak privately on this matter please do give me a PM. 

 

[runnerlk]

@Back2GoodNow is the time to step back and take a deep breath and assess your situation. I am in the last few months of a 2 year divorce and wouldn't wish it on anyone unless you've done your( and i mean as a couple here) due diligence. I'm sure you know many things are said and done out of emotion that we all(self included) regret.

While my ex and I mutually agreed a divorce was the best option it was not without a lot of soul searching, counseling and both taking a personal inventory.

Ours was 25 years of a lot of good and well not so good times.

PM me if you'd like to chat. I am traveling this week on a much needed vaca but will answer when I can.

Good luck

 

[Back2Good]

Ah, what's bloody sick about it is that I have to work all day, keeping mission critical systems on schedule for development or up and running 24/7/365 if they are in production, so by the time I get home, I've had my commute to get my thoughts together, and lately she's taken to going to bed at 2100 hours (in an effort to avoid me, I'm sure).  I can't well drag her out of the bed by her hair, and I'm just not put together to be the lie beside her softly and soothe her type of fellow, so I have no information with which to work.

Now THERE'S an irony for you.  I spent 30 years of my life collecting information (insert, observe, document, extract, but by all means remain unseen, if seen do not engage, and if captured say a prayer for the United States, do what must be done, and may God's love be with you).

I thank you gentlemen for your kind thoughts and advice, and @PTFC, I will no doubt be in touch via PM - I'm sorry the story of my life will have to be interrupted for a bit, but I have no idea how to go about this as a normal fellow would, and I don't want to make any phone calls that would put even one of my toes back in the shadows of the world I left, I don't want to leave any markers with those folks - They always, always collect on their markers, even if they like you.

A bit lost is how I'd describe myself at the moment - But I've been lost before, and found my way again even if only by terrain association.  It is a familiar feeling, just one I hoped not to have to encounter in my declining years.

V/R

- b2g

 

[Back2Good]

@PTFC, @Bugatti, @runnerlk, my friends, one day I shall describe in great detail the conversation that was had here today, and I want some of our most intelligent female members present when I do so.  Suffice it to say, for now, that divorce isn't really what she wants - She doesn't even want a "trial separation", whatever buggery that is, because if I'm not home at night she doesn't "feel safe".  Of course, what this is turning out to be is a power surged expression of what she doesn't like about me (and after 30 years of marriage, I imagine there's a lot).  Once the screeching phase ended she took a day to give me a hateful look at every opportunity, and went to bed before dark.  Ah, but after dinner tonight, reason, or rather that "I've got what I want to say put together now, and you are going to realize how horrible you are by the time I'm through" phase that seems to be unique to the fairer of our species locked down - I could literally see the anticipatory triumph in her eyes, but she was gripping the edge of the dining room table as if it was her anchor - If she lost her grip on the table, everything would go sideways, and quickly.

For now I'll leave you with this - sideways it went for her, it could have gone no other way.  *I* wasn't furious, *My* heart rate was normal, I didn't know exactly which accusations to expect, but expected I'd heard quite a few of them before, so relief that we were finally getting down to brass tacks is what I felt.

You see, I already know I'm horrible.  That's my secret.  Oh, not horrible as in "killing machine" horrible, or "picks up bunnies and snaps their necks" horrible - But daylight approaches and I must to bed...Much more tomorrow.  I just thought you all deserved to know as soon as possible that we're NOT in divorce territory here, and thank you for being there when I thought I was.

 

[runnerlk]

@Back2Goodsounds like you've got htings under control. But offer stands PM if you wish to take this off line. And remember we all have our flaws and relationships as you know are a 2 way street. Neither spouse shoulders all the blame. May sound corny but communication is the key regardless of the outcome.

Good luck.

 

[fosby12]

I suffered through a divorce, after breaking my wife's heart to pieces.  She suffered through 13 years of my addiction and my addictive behavior.  I consider myself free of most of that, 18 years after the fact.  But SO many regrets.

I believe divorce is most ALWAYS a mistake.  This sounds corney, but my advice is to ask her to go back in time with you, 30 or more years.  Try to start remembering the things that attracted you to each other.  And the early experiences you shared that were special.  Sometimes this can be a way to "get a toehold" before things start going all the way out of control.

Counseling is good, but only if both people are 100% commited to being open and listening, and doing the hard work required to change habits that have developed over a long, long time in your case.

Personally, I would be so happy to find a wife.  It is so difficult when we get older.  My hope for you is that you or her don't flush the whole thing away without trying.  All the best to you.

Fosby

 

[2earls]

I agree with you @fosby12 particularly if it's a long marriage. If two people are really incompatible, they won't survive the first couple years.

I imagine that the secrets to success are as different as each relationship. For me, it was just accepting that there will always be some things I don't like about my husband. There's no such thing as a perfect marriage, the good just needs to outweigh the bad.

As simple as that sounds, it took me years to understand that I was making a mistake trying to force my partners into being my perfect man. Learning to pick my battles has made them few and far between and a lot less disappointment on my part.

Sometimes it's ourselves we need to change, not our spouse. Best of luck to @Back2Good and @fosby12. It's never too late to find happiness.

 

[outofideas]

So sorry you're going through that. 30 years is a long time and does seem like a wtf moment to just call it quits after all of that time. All of your feelings are valid and it's awful going into such a dark place. I hope things can work out for you. Just don't give up. Easier said than done, I know. Best advice I can give is try to think of all of the good things, people, children etc, that came out of those years. *hugs*

I agree with you @fosby12 particularly if it's a long marriage. If two people are really incompatible, they won't survive the first couple years.

I imagine that the secrets to success are as different as each relationship. For me, it was just accepting that there will always be some things I don't like about my husband. There's no such thing as a perfect marriage, the good just needs to outweigh the bad.

As simple as that sounds, it took me years to understand that I was making a mistake trying to force my partners into being my perfect man. Learning to pick my battles has made them few and far between and a lot less disappointment on my part.

Sometimes it's ourselves we need to change, not our spouse. Best of luck to @Back2Good and @fosby12. It's never too late to find happiness.

Amazing advice and input. I actually really needed to hear that myself. Thanks for voicing your thoughts.