Asking for it

[girlgerms]

Ok. Im just putting this here because I cant tell anybody around here what Ive done.  I'll accept any comments or verbal abuse the reader feels I would deserve. I feel bad already a little bit. I did a very bad thing but I also feel he was asking for it.

Ive been with my sig other, old man, boyfriend whatever we want to call him for 15 years now. I love him. Hes a good father, a hard worker , provider, all those "good" qualities. Hes also pretty conservative (old fashioned I say), cant use the internet without help,  loves his guns, football and god (in that order). He's extremely good-looking, extremely pissed at the world since a back injury last year and either due to his medication or attitude...has aquired a bad case of ED.

Seriously, this is terrible for me.  My sex drive has always been 10xs higher and 100xS more unconventional than his) He wont even talk about it. He just says he is old, hurt and tired. He says I need to talk to my doctor because there must be something wrong with my hormones and its unbecoming for a woman to be trying to crawl in a mans lap all day. And he dosnt like to be grabbed all the goddamn time. I need to settle down. Yeah.

Anyway, many years ago it was agreed that, in order for me not to go insane/want to kill myself being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, I can go for a week at a time every few months to either Denver, SLC or Seattle. See a concert, shop etc. On the condition that  I behave. Carry my phone at all times, dont talk to strangers etc. This is where  I get to the bad thing I did.

Last week I went to Seattle. I always pick Seattle because its the one place I can freaking breathe. And Disturbed was playing. My favorite band. Davis Draimans voice! Omg- I stress about Disturbed for hours. Every day.

So I go and we got into a argument on the phone over something silly ( he didnt like my flight arrangements bc it meant I had to take a cab instead of link) and he said something that, to me was really wrong He says " Leah, its pretty sick, you know, you wanting to fuck a fat, jewish, faggot."  Hes refering to one of the best rock voices out there. So I threw my phone away and had the hotel block all calls to my room.

Went to the show. Smoked some street rock beforehand, took a few pills. Im like so wide-awake. Its general admission seatting and I end up next to this guy. Very cute, very clean, very young (found out 26 y/o, a fucking baby ). Very new. So like 3 songs in, he grabs my hand and I just start sweating so bad, cant breathe and I just have to take him back to my hotel room..And he was like the perfect gentle sadistic lover I need at the time. Happy to oblige my reqest to be choked out(but dont like, kill me) without being weird about it.He had "real" drugs so freaking intense. My room ended up a blood-spattered mess.Didnt leave the room for 3 days. Got very dirty. And I swear, I wont ever see him again,  which means I can never go to Seattle again, or else I will. I wish I could see him right now.I would chain him up in my basement and only let him out when I want him. If I think about him, I cant sit still. Its almost a sick twisted physical pain. Hurts a little-lot. I like it.

So back home, my guy well..he is sorry for what he said but he's not happy I lost my phone. Hes disappointed I did not call and is pissed the hotel did not put his calls through. Theyre incompetant and we wont be staying with them ever again. Yes. Damn right.

15 years and I have never cheated. Its true. Even if I told him, he would never, in a million years believe that I would leave a disturbed show halfway through the fourth song....

I know Im a horrible person but..hes not putting out. He called my rock god a faggot. He was asking for it.......right?

I love you all and Im sorry if you read that

 

[BellaDonna]

@girlgerms I never stand in judgment of who people are or what they do.  And, don't think of yourself as a horrible person -- please don't degrade yourself into thinking anything like that.  Are you feeling any guilt over the situation?  Or, are you wondering why you don't feel any guilt?  You noted, "He was asking for it...right?"  Let's concentrate on you right now...do you feel this situation happened due to your anger toward him?  

 

[girlgerms]

I guess, I blame him for my isolation. I grew up out here too and I like it but not love it like he does. Most people out here are so consevative and I am so bored. And I am pissed about the ED, because it is a side effect on alot of his medications but he wont even consider to see about changing them. He would rather not have sex than to mention the side effect to his doctor. In his opinion, a real man does not talk about those things, especially with another man.

Im not sure, but I dont feel real bad. I feel uncomfortable because I have a secret. And Ive always told him everything.

If Im not sleeping with him, then it starts to feel like he's my father. Or father-figure like roomate. Hes changed, esp. With this political stuff. Like makes me want to run away. So he lets me get away, to go to Seattle to be around other people who like music, protests, water, trees and etc stuff we dont have out here.    He knows about the drugs. Its okay, just no alcohol.

Im not sure how he would react to me if he knew about the cheating. I do know if he knew what kind of cheating, like the things he thinks are "strange" he  would flip out. If he knew someone put thier hands on my throat or bound my wrists (no matter that'was at my request) he might kill them. Hes alpha like that. I dont want him to know. 

Sigh. 

 

[trinity]

Ok well I am into disturbed as well..Also Deftones.
How old are you and how old is the hubby?

Since my split of a 12yr relationship the one thing I have vowed not to do is be judgemental which I was very guilty of in the past so I am going to approach this none moralistically because if this was the old me I would have replied saying if it was me I would have killed you more than likely. I can also be 'old fashioned' as well.

Reason I ask ages is I can give you a take from both sides of the fence. It might be worth him getting a hormone count done depending on his age. Sounds like a combination of low test levels, frustration, depression which is equating to the ED.

Have you ever had a hormone count as well?  Women with very active sex drives tend to lean more to exhibting greater testosterone levels.

I have also been in your hubby's place. I did lose all interest in extra cirricular activity. Stress, hormone fluctuation and also someone else is what caused it with me. I also moved to a different country for her so I too blamed her for my isolation. I really shouldnt have done that because it was my choice.

12yrs things become pretty mundane too, something you will probably agree with being together the length of time you have been married. She was kinda 'vanilla' but then again maybe I just couldnt bring it out of her?

We split up 10yrs into our relationship where we both started seeing other ppl. When I was with this new girl my libido was through the roof. I was still using hormones. She actually put my hands around her throat which I was uncomfortable with, I am a big guy, one wrong move I would have broken her neck easily. I thought you whore initially but in hindsight those are my insecurities, ego and pre-judgements at fault. But I did continue to do it to her even out of my own free will every so often because I knew she liked it.

Well that split was the beginning of the end in my opinion. When we got back together there was a lot of resentment and to be truthful I had more of a connection with the other girl on so many levels. It was more the fact that we had been together for so long is why we both didnt want to lose all that time. If she had moved to me I think we would have been together still.

I can totally relate to your situation on many levels including your husbands because I am/used to be him.

He isnt asking to be cheated on but he needs to be more understanding to your feelings again something I can only now see in hindsight.

At least I have learnt from my experiences.

I was at fault a lot because of the way I was. My advice to you would be dont tell him but my concern is you will do it again. Speak to him and tell him your concerns. Another thing I was guilty of was not listening. Not a mistake I will make again and I hope your husband doesnt.

 

[Ophelia]

Hey GG. :0) I feel for you (and your old man) in this situation. To answer your question, "He was asking for it, right?" Yes- and no...sort of. 

Imagine a set of scales in which his name is on one side and yours is on the other. Now imagine a stone being placed in each side for every infraction made against one another over the years. Ultimately, whose scale would be heavier? Each stone represents each person's "sin", or relationship crime, etc. and the thing about that is, each couple's "stones" are highly subjective. What is considered an infraction for one couple many not be for another, you know? So really, it's up to each couple to determine lines that shouldn't be crossed, as well as what is considered important to both of you to keep the relationship strong and healthy. (Again, the importance criteria will be different for every couple too.) 

With those things taken in consideration, and without having been there also (throughout the years), outsiders can hardly gauge what is and isn't appropriate within someone else's marriage, and if we do try, we'll still be using our own "filters" which we cultivated via our own experiences, and not yours and your husbands. It's a bit like trying to use a Chinese dictionary to learn Spanish.

Only you two can determine what may (or may not be) relationships crimes, as I call them. That said, I feel for you both, and have been in your shoes. It didn't end well (for him). I discovered his never-ending porn stash (yet again) well into our second marriage with each other- he couldn't kick it the first time around, nor the second. Not all gals are alright with their guys lusting after other naked women. (I'm one of those gals.) I had to teach him a bit of a lesson...

I understand your frustration! No doubt, he's frustrated too, but I think he's doing you both a disservice by not seeking medical help. Also, it's unfair to shift the blame over onto you, as if you're some sex-starved, insatiable, nympho for merely wanting to have very, VERY wild, unbridled sex...haha...

I do want to impart one last thought with you before I go. A lot of times, people attack others because they see their own reflection in that person, and the person doing the accusing doesn't like him or herself very much. In short, they often accuse somebody of what they are guilty of. It's worth considering that perhaps your husband may have a few secrets of his own.

Hope your day is a good one and I hope you get this sorted out.

All the best.

 

[2earls]

How are you doing out there @girlgerms?

I seem to have missed this thread at the time and I hope it's not painful to revisit it, but I just wanted to see if you are OK.

I can relate to @Trinity as I often seem to do. Life events can change us from judgemental to open minded. Thank goodness because I was probably a big asshole when I was looking down my nose at others. Had to walk a mile in their shoes to have any sense.

Best wishes 

 

[ElectroNymph]

Ok. Im just putting this here because I cant tell anybody around here what Ive done.  I'll accept any comments or verbal abuse the reader feels I would deserve. I feel bad already a little bit. I did a very bad thing but I also feel he was asking for it.

Ive been with my sig other, old man, boyfriend whatever we want to call him for 15 years now. I love him. Hes a good father, a hard worker , provider, all those "good" qualities. Hes also pretty conservative (old fashioned I say), cant use the internet without help,  loves his guns, football and god (in that order). He's extremely good-looking, extremely pissed at the world since a back injury last year and either due to his medication or attitude...has aquired a bad case of ED.

Seriously, this is terrible for me.  My sex drive has always been 10xs higher and 100xS more unconventional than his) He wont even talk about it. He just says he is old, hurt and tired. He says I need to talk to my doctor because there must be something wrong with my hormones and its unbecoming for a woman to be trying to crawl in a mans lap all day. And he dosnt like to be grabbed all the goddamn time. I need to settle down. Yeah.

Anyway, many years ago it was agreed that, in order for me not to go insane/want to kill myself being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, I can go for a week at a time every few months to either Denver, SLC or Seattle. See a concert, shop etc. On the condition that  I behave. Carry my phone at all times, dont talk to strangers etc. This is where  I get to the bad thing I did.

Last week I went to Seattle. I always pick Seattle because its the one place I can freaking breathe. And Disturbed was playing. My favorite band. Davis Draimans voice! Omg- I stress about Disturbed for hours. Every day.

So I go and we got into a argument on the phone over something silly ( he didnt like my flight arrangements bc it meant I had to take a cab instead of link) and he said something that, to me was really wrong He says " Leah, its pretty sick, you know, you wanting to fuck a fat, jewish, faggot."  Hes refering to one of the best rock voices out there. So I threw my phone away and had the hotel block all calls to my room.

Went to the show. Smoked some street rock beforehand, took a few pills. Im like so wide-awake. Its general admission seatting and I end up next to this guy. Very cute, very clean, very young (found out 26 y/o, a fucking baby ). Very new. So like 3 songs in, he grabs my hand and I just start sweating so bad, cant breathe and I just have to take him back to my hotel room..And he was like the perfect gentle sadistic lover I need at the time. Happy to oblige my reqest to be choked out(but dont like, kill me) without being weird about it.He had "real" drugs so freaking intense. My room ended up a blood-spattered mess.Didnt leave the room for 3 days. Got very dirty. And I swear, I wont ever see him again,  which means I can never go to Seattle again, or else I will. I wish I could see him right now.I would chain him up in my basement and only let him out when I want him. If I think about him, I cant sit still. Its almost a sick twisted physical pain. Hurts a little-lot. I like it.

So back home, my guy well..he is sorry for what he said but he's not happy I lost my phone. Hes disappointed I did not call and is pissed the hotel did not put his calls through. Theyre incompetant and we wont be staying with them ever again. Yes. Damn right.

15 years and I have never cheated. Its true. Even if I told him, he would never, in a million years believe that I would leave a disturbed show halfway through the fourth song....

I know Im a horrible person but..hes not putting out. He called my rock god a faggot. He was asking for it.......right?

I love you all and Im sorry if you read that

That's worthy of a novel! Or novella. It sounds like you need to get out of this relationship - easier said than done, obviously.

I lived with a guy for 10 years, he became impotent at 28 due to psychosis. I was loyal for 4 years, but the relationship was going nowhere. I am bi, and like you have a high sex drive, and have tried most things!

After the 4 years, I started going on swinging sites - some good meets, some awful. 

I would like to find a nice but dirty man/woman but it's not easy. ?

You shouldn't feel guilty, it seems like your partner is controlling you, and neglecting your needs. 

If this guy is your thing: go for it! Or someone similar. Nobody has the right to dictate to you how to live your life.

Best wishes, E.N. x

 

[2earls]

I noticed that girlgerms hasn't visited us for a few months. I hope she comes back and gives us an update.

I was thinking about starting a "missing posters thread" where we could ask after our absent members and favorite posters. Some may never return to see it, but I'm sure the ones that do would appreciate that they were missed.

 

[Akup7ich]

I wish I had read earlier too. Girl germs I have been in your shoes before. Sometimes it helps knowing you r not the only one in the world with these issues.  When I tripped up in the past I would hate myself.  All kinds of emotions involved . Uggg at least it am losing my sex drive now .Nothing is easy . But we live and go on.  Hope you are well.

 

[smckee83]

I don't really have much of an opinion about you screwing around on your husband because quite frankly you are a human being and are by nature flawed from birth. I will say however that your lack of guilt, and your whole victim mentality, the fact that you blame HIM for your indiscretion, tells me it will happen again. It's hard for me to feel sorry for you because your significant other doesn't want to strangle you and leave your bedroom a "bloody mess" don't be to hard on him to hard on him as that's how most decent people are raised. I'm more concerned about your taste in music. Disturbed is just horrible. How they ever became popular baffles me (I guess adulterous sadist who have no taste in music?  Hehe jk honey ) tthank God we don't have to hear from them much anymore. But as far as your relationship goes I wouldn't worry about. Because it's not gonna last. How it got this far is a mystery to me. Anyway, don't be too hard on yourself, you are only human. We all suck, and do horrible things  (not as bad as disturbs music though ugh. Hehe jk ) iI'm sure you have good in you as well and I love you. I wish nothing but positive things for you and hope it all turns out well 

 

[Benzer]

Disturbed made you do these horrible things.

 

[Benzer]

J/k your story is awesome and makes me wish I still lived in Denver.....just not into disturbed  but I respect everyone’s one musical preferences.