Being useless

[Handsley]

With the pain I have, I am pretty useless.  I am trying to find a different non-sitting job and there isn't a lot and you have to be able to lift heavy objects.  I feel  like such a waste.  If I can get pain meds on here, I can do things and be useful, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to get.  I am also a useless drug addict.  My only love was my son and now he considers me useless and is so hateful towards me.  He does not understand that I cannot help it.  A person with no love, I am finding, just withers away.  I don't know how to climb out of this although I am trying every day.  That's kind of it, just wanted to vent.

In pain every minute of every day,

Handsley 

 

[2earls]

@Handsley sounds like you are really down in the dumps and it always makes me sad to hear of anyone feeling that way. Anyone who has been in a depressed state knows how painful it can be. One of the benefits of having had a major depression in my life is that it opened my mind from the "oh come on, just snap out of it" mentality. I thought if I heard my mother tell me that one more time I was going to strangle her.

Don't give up on your son. I don't know how old he is, but maybe he just hasn't had the kind of experience in life yet like the one I had to go through to open my eyes and become more sympathetic. In all likelihood he will regret behaving in a hateful way towards you, although I know that doesn't make the hurt you are feeling today any less.

Even though I don't know you well, I know that you are not useless. The ability to lift heavy objects has no bearing on your value. Ugh, I remember having such similar thoughts. I had lost my BF of 13 years, my home, my job, and shortly thereafter my savings. Totally lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

Twelve years ago.

One of the best ways to make headway on climbing out of the hole is to find a cause outside of yourself. Find someone or something that could use some help. Doesn't have to be a major achievement, you don't need to save the world  (although we really need you to right now). It could be as small as answering questions, walking a dog, tutoring a kid; wherever your interests lead you. All it takes are a few small victories and you will be amazed at how it can lift your spirits to have something concrete that proves you have worth.

We all know you already do, it's just a matter of learning it for yourself. 

 

[spurnky]

@2earls:  What a lovely response and sentiment! ☺

@Handsley:  What @2earls said is SO TRUE! I really hope you take her words to heart because she understands what you're going through. She also made some great suggestions to try to help you.

You are NOT useless! I know things may seem hopeless right now but it will get better. You have a network of people here on DBG who are available to talk to. This forum is here to help in MANY ways including providing people when you need someone to vent to, myself included. Just remember, you're NOT alone!

** As @2earls perfectly said:  You have worth -- it's just a matter of you learning it for yourself. 

 

[Handsley]

Thank you for your kind responses.  I wish there was something I could do, to mentor a child, etc.  That used to help me.  However, I am in an area where I am still required to stay in the house.  The yelling and screaming is making me just want to use the rest of my money and drive with my dog and not tell anyone where I'm going.  I'd like to move and go check it out, shut off my phone and just drive.

 

[2earls]

Yes the current situation makes every difficulty even more complex. My husband has some "issues" and I have noticed that this whole mess has been a bigger challenge for him than it is for me. Except like you, if I wanted to take a sanity break for myself there's nowhere to go. 

Things are slowly opening up again and hopefully not too soon. I think if everyone took it seriously we would be safe trying to do some of these things, but I am uneasy that too many people do not. We visited a newly reopened casino today to see how they have devised a way to take our money safely. The casino did a great job with all the plexiglass and directives on where to stand etc. They even have a device taking your temperature upon entering. Unfortunately there were a lot of maskless individuals who were not maintaining their social distancing well. 

I happened to be sitting next to a group of friends/relatives who greeted each other with hugs and kisses and said something to the effect "oh we don't pay any attention to that". Yikes! Don't sit your ass next to me then.

Next weekend I think we will try the drive-in movies. That sounds safer.

@Handsley don't give up on the idea. There might be something online you can do or maybe even researching and planning something for the future would give you a boost. We all have to be more creative in this new world. At least make yourself a safe, scream proof place to retreat to.