Forever life of an addict

J

Jiub1

Member
Joined
Nov 26, 2020
Messages
151
Hello all, 

Hope your all very well! 

Although I've managed the last 4 months only to be on my needed substances (severe depression, pain, anxiety and severe lack of Dopamine production). I take stims (Adderall, Ritalin, high quality meth rarely though), opiates (hydr0, m0rph1ne, DHC, c0deine, tapentadol like it's going out of style, 0xy, poppy seed tea(super rarely because it's a wd you don't want to have) & rarely now benz0s when I don't have the others. I try taking breaks of each after 4 days use (I rotate between stims, opis, benzo's basically) & it's still so expensive, 60% of my income goes to that. Although luckily i have managed to avoid physical wd's & only have few days of debilitating depression(which is so nice compared to having it everyday). Before that I'd been addicted to those on a regular basis for 13 years and have kicked wd's more times than I can count, but can't do it again. Sucks that no matter the amount of times I've gone clean from clinics, rehabs etc. My brain will not let me just be a human or live without those. I've accepted that and proud of finally only taking each category 3-4 days with small breaks and rotations VS taking all at once &/or sticking to one for 6 months ending up with huge tolerances (120mg 0xy vs 20mg at beginning, 150mg Addy vs 30mg, 6mg klonopin vs 2mg, 4mg xan vs 1mg etc for the same effect and those mgs are daily use example) for 4 months now I've stuck to the lowest of those numbers with no tolerance build up or physical wd's when I didn't have money for any of those for a week. 

Sucks to have a brain like this, but it is what it is. I felt depressed from the age of 7 and unfortunately drugs have saved my life. & that's with all the hell I went through and the 100s of thousands I've wasted over 13 years. & I have never had a savings. Unfortunately I started it when I was 16 years old. I've been successful in career and live paycheck to paycheck. Yet I've created software used by fortune 500 companies while being a pure and all the way through a mega addict. I've accepted my life evolves around taking different substances to be able to be the husband, brother, son and employee I need to be. Severe depression will make me bed bound and suicidal. I'm not when I'm on different substances, it's just so weird. Some weeks I get 25k lines of functioniong automation coding done and take care of my homely responsibilities, but only if I'm this super addict. 

Tldr: I take all different drugs to be a human in this world/life. My most proud self control has been last 4 months of sticking with lowest dose of all my drugs and small breaks with rotation of opi, stims, benzo's 3-4 days at a time. 

Friendly regards, 

Jiub 

 
Hi, Jiub 1,

First, I want to say that you have great self-discipline. Your story resonated with me, after having my own issues with tolerance.

Have you ever considered subs? Besides making one feel normal without opioids, they are known to aid in the treatment of depression. Lesser known is the effect they have on opioid tolerance. 

The negative is that they are difficult to stop, because they cause withdrawals, too. However, those withdrawals can be managed by slowly and carefully titrating down.

If you have any interest in learning about this, I’m happy to share my experience.

Best,

Gracie


 

 
@Gracie5 I have tried subs 3 separate times now and they just don't seem to work for me at all. I've had 24mg/day, 16mg/day and 8mg/day on separate occasions and usually stopped taking them after about a month. They made me feel like a zombie and almost more depressed. Maybe that's just me.

I hear great things about subs and I'm very glad they work for you! 😊 

 
@Jiub1 , thank you. I started at 16 mg, and very quickly started tapering. That first month was pretty awful, honestly. I really didn’t like it at all- I was depressed and stressed about the decision I had made, and I had headaches, high blood pressure, and pain. I stuck with it though, because I had quit my pain management and couldn’t afford my old habit.

After about 6 months, the doctor agreed to let me try Bupe, and bupe was a much better fit. 

I shared because I was encouraged to try this by a former member/vendor here, and it was here, in the forum, where the idea of using bupe or subs to reduce tolerance was introduced several years ago. Everyone is different, though, and you are very disciplined, which I find amazing. I imagine you are an outstanding  father, husband, son, etc. 

@Deepnorthmuch love to you, also. 

 

 
Hi 

@Jiub1 thank You for sharing. I do have thoughts and thoughts about my own situations. I’m in so much pain but I can hardly get out of bed most days unless I have something to help me. I’m very sensitive though so larger amounts of stuff for something too strong will cost me misery. On the other hand I couldn’t function without opioids and tramadol. Not well at least.

my Journey did not start till my mid-30s to mid 40s. I didn’t even know there was anything stronger than a Percocet 10 until I was 44 years old. Oh boy the whole world open up after that! I do beat myself up all the time and like you I follow a very strict regimen. When I go off my regimen I start feeling guilty of my heart starts pounding so sometimes I have to reset the whole clock.

subs Do work for me when I had to face with drawl. But it’s not a fun adjustment going back and forth .so if the end ever came I would just have to stick on the sub.I could Probably do it was just all tramadol like I used to up till my early 40s. But the pain is much worse then even then. Going to a pain clinic next week finally got referred into one. Obviously the last thing they do is give pills these days but at least they’ll be injections and some other shit. 
i was blessed this year with Big commissions and lots of sales. But that doesn’t mean it’ll be like that next year. So I’d beat myself up that I haven’t saved any money. Plus the whole money thing and working and not having anything to show for it starts  to show .. it’s all mixed bag off ugggg so After that type of anxiety I give myself I just stop thinking and take it one day at a time.

 
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  4. R @ Royboy99: Exports were reported to have around 7.2mg per FL OZ, it’s success is what actually led to Coca Cola
  5. Maelstrom @ Maelstrom: Having cramps and husband thinks you’re acting hysterical (ie. PMS) the doc would either perform a certain massage to relieve the strains of motherhood and family life of that time or send you down to the local apothecary for a bottle of laudanum… A tincture of alcohol and 10% òpìųm. Fun days huh?
  6. R @ Royboy99: @malestrom: yeah thats it, my bad Mariani, yeah i considered that and also its ROA, which was oral so the bioavailability was lower than insufflation, higher degree of purity tho and longer duration … there was a significant marked increase of patents filed by Edison during the time it was released in the US. Presidents were known to use it as well, and the Queen. The pope awarded the wine the Vatican gold medal award
  7. Maelstrom @ Maelstrom: I think it was called vin Mariani. But yeah, it was all the rave back in the turn to the 20th century. Original formula Coca Cola did it for a while too. I think it was pretty weak though. Something like 200 mg per liter of wine. Enough to maybe give you a little push but unless you could pound some serious alcohol, it’d be hard to really feel the effects before the ethyl knocked you down on the ground. It was an interesting time period. Laudanum was a “hysterical” woman’s best friend.
  8. R @ Royboy99: Maybe it’s the admixture of my South American dna that works so well with it ? 🤷
  9. R @ Royboy99: It’s all evident in memory recall, my emails, meetings, … people invest everything they have in a nootropic that provides this… desperately searching without success and it’s right there right under their nose (no pun) … stigmatized by society and outlawed.
  10. R @ Royboy99: Now I’m not foolish or delusional to think that it made Edison who he was … it just allowed him to Edison to Edison to a greater degree … and I see it doing that for me and others who use it as a productive tool and not a substance of abuse.. you can look at this data with the level of patents filed by Edison during that time … comparable to Barry bonds or McGuire breaking records while they were subtly enhanced
  11. R @ Royboy99: One could argue that we would not have motion pictures if it wasn’t for ❄️
  12. R @ Royboy99: I also take month long breaks and replace with Ritalin for receptor recovery
  13. R @ Royboy99: And while it may sound insane and completely destructive … small microdoses of ❄️ has really transformed me. I did extensive research on its use by Edison, the pope at the time, and many others who got great benefit from a wine concoction called vin Mariani … this subtle enhancement changed the world and as long its used with a high degree of control, it’s amazing. you may think I’m crazy … but I’m just being as transparent as I can
  14. R @ Royboy99: I’ve grown to realize that my time is finite and Im only getting older… I’m back to relying on small PRN doses of FDA trialed BZDs and it’s made tremendous improvements to my quality of life. I just need to get out there more and meet someone new, it’s the only piece that’s missing since I’ve managed to get it together
  15. R @ Royboy99: @LatsDoodis: thanks brother … I’ve spent months trying to put myself in uncomfortable places to grow stronger. Hours of research, thousands on supplements, therapy etc …
  16. LatsDoodis @ LatsDoodis: @Royboy99 You’re not yet lost. Cut them losses and do what you don’t want to do. Take the boring, shameful, nerve racking way out. It’s the only road back to balance. When you’re ready, you’ll do it. Hit me up if you want support quitting. This ain’t worth your life!
  17. R @ Royboy99: Grateful that this site exists and realizing that trying to save a few bucks today may cost me so much more in the future …
  18. R @ Royboy99: The hardest hit was losing my girl , and I still feel the tremendous heartache everyday, over a year later … knowing that I caused it all. She gave me multiple chances and I let her down everytime … I use Diaz and kpins going on year now for my panic attacks, ptsd and anxiety. With no issues and see a therapist weekly
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  20. R @ Royboy99: Gravely underestimating the psychological impacts , I destroyed my reputation, relationships and spent a year in and out of detox and rehab
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