Forever life of an addict

[Jiub1]

Hello all, 

Hope your all very well! 

Although I've managed the last 4 months only to be on my needed substances (severe depression, pain, anxiety and severe lack of Dopamine production). I take stims (Adderall, Ritalin, high quality meth rarely though), opiates (hydr0, m0rph1ne, DHC, c0deine, tapentadol like it's going out of style, 0xy, poppy seed tea(super rarely because it's a wd you don't want to have) & rarely now benz0s when I don't have the others. I try taking breaks of each after 4 days use (I rotate between stims, opis, benzo's basically) & it's still so expensive, 60% of my income goes to that. Although luckily i have managed to avoid physical wd's & only have few days of debilitating depression(which is so nice compared to having it everyday). Before that I'd been addicted to those on a regular basis for 13 years and have kicked wd's more times than I can count, but can't do it again. Sucks that no matter the amount of times I've gone clean from clinics, rehabs etc. My brain will not let me just be a human or live without those. I've accepted that and proud of finally only taking each category 3-4 days with small breaks and rotations VS taking all at once &/or sticking to one for 6 months ending up with huge tolerances (120mg 0xy vs 20mg at beginning, 150mg Addy vs 30mg, 6mg klonopin vs 2mg, 4mg xan vs 1mg etc for the same effect and those mgs are daily use example) for 4 months now I've stuck to the lowest of those numbers with no tolerance build up or physical wd's when I didn't have money for any of those for a week. 

Sucks to have a brain like this, but it is what it is. I felt depressed from the age of 7 and unfortunately drugs have saved my life. & that's with all the hell I went through and the 100s of thousands I've wasted over 13 years. & I have never had a savings. Unfortunately I started it when I was 16 years old. I've been successful in career and live paycheck to paycheck. Yet I've created software used by fortune 500 companies while being a pure and all the way through a mega addict. I've accepted my life evolves around taking different substances to be able to be the husband, brother, son and employee I need to be. Severe depression will make me bed bound and suicidal. I'm not when I'm on different substances, it's just so weird. Some weeks I get 25k lines of functioniong automation coding done and take care of my homely responsibilities, but only if I'm this super addict. 

Tldr: I take all different drugs to be a human in this world/life. My most proud self control has been last 4 months of sticking with lowest dose of all my drugs and small breaks with rotation of opi, stims, benzo's 3-4 days at a time. 

Friendly regards, 

Jiub 

 

[Gracie5]

Hi, Jiub 1,

First, I want to say that you have great self-discipline. Your story resonated with me, after having my own issues with tolerance.

Have you ever considered subs? Besides making one feel normal without opioids, they are known to aid in the treatment of depression. Lesser known is the effect they have on opioid tolerance. 

The negative is that they are difficult to stop, because they cause withdrawals, too. However, those withdrawals can be managed by slowly and carefully titrating down.

If you have any interest in learning about this, I’m happy to share my experience.

Best,

Gracie


 

 

[Deepnorth]

I too resonate and appreciate those tips. Much love to all.

 

[Jiub1]

@Gracie5 I have tried subs 3 separate times now and they just don't seem to work for me at all. I've had 24mg/day, 16mg/day and 8mg/day on separate occasions and usually stopped taking them after about a month. They made me feel like a zombie and almost more depressed. Maybe that's just me.

I hear great things about subs and I'm very glad they work for you!  

 

[Gracie5]

@Jiub1 , thank you. I started at 16 mg, and very quickly started tapering. That first month was pretty awful, honestly. I really didn’t like it at all- I was depressed and stressed about the decision I had made, and I had headaches, high blood pressure, and pain. I stuck with it though, because I had quit my pain management and couldn’t afford my old habit.

After about 6 months, the doctor agreed to let me try Bupe, and bupe was a much better fit. 

I shared because I was encouraged to try this by a former member/vendor here, and it was here, in the forum, where the idea of using bupe or subs to reduce tolerance was introduced several years ago. Everyone is different, though, and you are very disciplined, which I find amazing. I imagine you are an outstanding  father, husband, son, etc. 

@Deepnorthmuch love to you, also. 

 

 

[Akup7ich]

Hi 

@Jiub1 thank You for sharing. I do have thoughts and thoughts about my own situations. I’m in so much pain but I can hardly get out of bed most days unless I have something to help me. I’m very sensitive though so larger amounts of stuff for something too strong will cost me misery. On the other hand I couldn’t function without opioids and tramadol. Not well at least.

my Journey did not start till my mid-30s to mid 40s. I didn’t even know there was anything stronger than a Percocet 10 until I was 44 years old. Oh boy the whole world open up after that! I do beat myself up all the time and like you I follow a very strict regimen. When I go off my regimen I start feeling guilty of my heart starts pounding so sometimes I have to reset the whole clock.

subs Do work for me when I had to face with drawl. But it’s not a fun adjustment going back and forth .so if the end ever came I would just have to stick on the sub.I could Probably do it was just all tramadol like I used to up till my early 40s. But the pain is much worse then even then. Going to a pain clinic next week finally got referred into one. Obviously the last thing they do is give pills these days but at least they’ll be injections and some other shit. 
i was blessed this year with Big commissions and lots of sales. But that doesn’t mean it’ll be like that next year. So I’d beat myself up that I haven’t saved any money. Plus the whole money thing and working and not having anything to show for it starts  to show .. it’s all mixed bag off ugggg so After that type of anxiety I give myself I just stop thinking and take it one day at a time.