massm said:
massm said:
massm said:
massm said:
e nail on the head with that post. The stuff you said there is exactly the type of stuff I've been going through. It's almost an identical parallel to my life. My insomnia was at it's worse when I was around 21 years old. At that time I was super crippled by insomnia. I would literally watch the clock and toss and turn all night but to no avail. My head felt so heavy as you described, and when daylight came and it was time to go to class or take care of business, I had to drag my butt to go anywhere, I was really freaking out. What made it worse was the thought that this would never end, and the fact that it persisted for so long reinforced the idea that I was damned for life with this disability. Yep I agree it's as if I forgot how to fall asleep. That's exactly what I was feeling. Somehow I managed to graduate while I was going through this, but I felt terrible, and i was feeling so self conscious because I thought everyone would be looking at me and see that I looked like a mess. After I graduated I put off looking for a job for as long as possible. To this day I still haven't found my niche which I could make a living on. The insomnia went on from about 2001- present. Around 2008 was the first time I was introduced to Zanax. My brother had a prescription for that from his psychiatrist and he offered me one pill (1mg) one day. After I took it I fell asleep in about 10 minutes, but then I woke up about 4 hours later in the middle of the night. I felt some relief but I was still troubled because It was still the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. I thought the Zannies would be a solution, but the tolerance for that builds so fast. The second time i took a 1mg it didn't knock me out like the first time. After that I started going online and finding places where i could order benzoes and I would pretty much abuse them just to get a night of sleep. Like you said, I would at times wake up in the middle of the night and then start taking any benzoes or other types of medications just to get back to sleep. And yeah I went through a months supply in a few days just like you. I tried going to doctors and telling them about my problem but they didn't have anything to solve my problem. One doctor gave me a small script for Ambien (this was when the generic version, Zolpidem, was still not out on the market) I didn't have insurance and the pills were expensive. They were like 7 or 8 dollars each and I only was able to buy about 10. But the Ambien didn't even work for me. I felt no effect from the ambien. It did absolutely nothing for me. And just like you I told my family and friends all about my problem but nobody really had any way of solving my problem, or they thought the whole thing was silly. There were times when I was feeling like I was on the brink of insanity from not being able to sleep. I could barely leave the house because I was so tired and felt like crap and thought everyone would be staring at me because I looked so terrible. To this day I have not found any medication which I could depend on 100% to fix my problem. I started taking Clon@zepams but they didn't have a great effect. Throughout this whole time I was constantly thinking what was I doing wrong that was causing this? I tried everything from quitting smoking to quitting drinking soda , exercising but nothing helped. I am feeling slightly better though now because I do get to sleep better now , but I do still have the occasional bout of insomnia. The worse part about this situation is I feel like I wasted 15 years of my life on trying to figure out why I couldn't get to sleep but never was able to find the solution. That feeling of time wasted that I can never get back really depresses me. The frustration was a living hell indeed. Right now I'm 36 years old and I haven't entered the work force in any field related to my college degree. I had a few jobs, but ultimately I always ended up quitting because of the insomnia.. I'm still not sure what my problem is but I'm trying my best to not think about it and try just get over it and hope that one day i will be able to pull myself together. My biggest problem right now is how to explain the gaps in my employment in any future job interviews. What is an employer going to think when they see that I haven't done anything relevant in over 15 years? That is my fear right now. I hope somehow I will overcome this and find a decent job so I can support myself independently. Also I feel really bad because I've been a huge burden on my parents all this time. They don't understand why I am not working, and when I try to explain what is going on they don't seem to accept that excuse. Thanks for the reply I'm glad there is someone out there that knows how I feel and that I'm not alone in this bizarre situation.
Take care,
Codean212
Wow you really hit the nail on the head with that post. The stuff you said there is exactly the type of stuff I've been going through. It's almost an identical parallel to my life. My insomnia was at it's worse when I was around 21 years old. At that time I was super crippled by insomnia. I would literally watch the clock and toss and turn all night but to no avail. My head felt so heavy as you described, and when daylight came and it was time to go to class or take care of business, I had to drag my butt to go anywhere, I was really freaking out. What made it worse was the thought that this would never end, and the fact that it persisted for so long reinforced the idea that I was damned for life with this disability. Yep I agree it's as if I forgot how to fall asleep. That's exactly what I was feeling. Somehow I managed to graduate while I was going through this, but I felt terrible, and i was feeling so self conscious because I thought everyone would be looking at me and see that I looked like a mess. After I graduated I put off looking for a job for as long as possible. To this day I still haven't found my niche which I could make a living on. The insomnia went on from about 2001- present. Around 2008 was the first time I was introduced to Zanax. My brother had a prescription for that from his psychiatrist and he offered me one pill (1mg) one day. After I took it I fell asleep in about 10 minutes, but then I woke up about 4 hours later in the middle of the night. I felt some relief but I was still troubled because It was still the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. I thought the Zannies would be a solution, but the tolerance for that builds so fast. The second time i took a 1mg it didn't knock me out like the first time. After that I started going online and finding places where i could order benzoes and I would pretty much abuse them just to get a night of sleep. Like you said, I would at times wake up in the middle of the night and then start taking any benzoes or other types of medications just to get back to sleep. And yeah I went through a months supply in a few days just like you. I tried going to doctors and telling them about my problem but they didn't have anything to solve my problem. One doctor gave me a small script for Ambien (this was when the generic version, Zolpidem, was still not out on the market) I didn't have insurance and the pills were expensive. They were like 7 or 8 dollars each and I only was able to buy about 10. But the Ambien didn't even work for me. I felt no effect from the ambien. It did absolutely nothing for me. And just like you I told my family and friends all about my problem but nobody really had any way of solving my problem, or they thought the whole thing was silly. There were times when I was feeling like I was on the brink of insanity from not being able to sleep. I could barely leave the house because I was so tired and felt like crap and thought everyone would be staring at me because I looked so terrible. To this day I have not found any medication which I could depend on 100% to fix my problem. I started taking Clon@zepams but they didn't have a great effect. Throughout this whole time I was constantly thinking what was I doing wrong that was causing this? I tried everything from quitting smoking to quitting drinking soda , exercising but nothing helped. I am feeling slightly better though now because I do get to sleep better now , but I do still have the occasional bout of insomnia. The worse part about this situation is I feel like I wasted 15 years of my life on trying to figure out why I couldn't get to sleep but never was able to find the solution. That feeling of time wasted that I can never get back really depresses me. The frustration was a living hell indeed. Right now I'm 36 years old and I haven't entered the work force in any field related to my college degree. I had a few jobs, but ultimately I always ended up quitting because of the insomnia.. I'm still not sure what my problem is but I'm trying my best to not think about it and try just get over it and hope that one day i will be able to pull myself together. My biggest problem right now is how to explain the gaps in my employment in any future job interviews. What is an employer going to think when they see that I haven't done anything relevant in over 15 years? That is my fear right now. I hope somehow I will overcome this and find a decent job so I can support myself independently. Also I feel really bad because I've been a huge burden on my parents all this time. They don't understand why I am not working, and when I try to explain what is going on they don't seem to accept that excuse. Thanks for the reply I'm glad there is someone out there that knows how I feel and that I'm not alone in this bizarre situation.
Take care,
Codean212
I also realized when I was several days sleep deprived I was extra self conscious about my appearance; my eyes were heavy and half-open, my skin got a weird oily texture, and my head just felt like it didn't belong on my body. Also some unusual but notable weight gain. Just like you, 2001 exactly is the year I started battling with insomnia, but unlike you I literally had to take a semester off to get my body equipped to be able to finish up. I must say in the last 15 years I have talked about my days of severe insomnia and never actually had a discussion with anyone who paralleled my experience so closely - I always think back to a line in fight club where Edward Norton's character is mockingly told by his doctor "No, you can't die from insomnia" - I beg to differ, my immune system was crap and lack of sleep made me complete unaware of my surroundings; I felt like a hazard getting behind the wheel or even something as simple as crossing the street. One thing that attributed to my problem I didn't figure out for over a decade later when I was diagnosed with thyroid disease, I realized all the check-ups and green lights I was getting on my blood work were ignoring hormonal conditions, so maybe it's something to look into. Our minds tend to get the better of us, as soon as we acknowledge the importance of sleep and how devastating another sleepless night would be, we pretty much are confirming that nerves will prevail that night and we won't get a shred of sleep - I began to realize when I gave my mind the power over my body I was submitting when in reality every drug under the sun I'd use was merely intended for a quick fix. Every doctor told me I was depressed and tried to push SSRIs on me, and in the end there was no one I can turn to for a solution besides myself - I don't want to say I lacked "support" as much as no one seemed to understand how crippling and the emotional toll insomnia takes on you, which to me was the equivalent of catching on fire with empathetic friends and family around but no fire extinguisher. I'd potentially start looking into possibly getting some more detailed blood work and work with a "less is more" approach until your nighttime rx regimen remains static and the only outstanding variable is yourself. One other trick I learned is that I slowly moved my bed time up to the point where my body was trained to wake up at 5am regardless of the day. I found that by doing this, especially during the week when I had to be out of the house no later than 7:30 or so, I began to love the early mornings as it was the only time of the day I really had to myself and couldn't be bothered as it seems the rest of the world was asleep while I was getting a head start on my day. Your concerns regarding a job and the lapses in your resume are certainly a valid concern but at the same time is obviously irrevocable - I wouldn't sell yourself short, I've been in managerial positions for a decade and the way an applicant expresses themselves shines through "holes" in a career, I'd just tell the employer that you have yet to find your true passion and essentially I'd aim as high as possible for anyone willing to let you sit for an interview. You probably don't even notice that your intellect surfaces when merely expressing yourself anonymously on a forum, chances are it would leave a very similar impression on a potential employer - there is no need to rationalize what has or hasn't happened up until age 36, you still have time to shine and I can tell you from experience that the transformation will be acknowledged by all around you, especially regarding your concerns regarding your parents - their concern is more likely your own confidence and self-worth based on what they know you are capable of, when you take the leap to better yourself and the situation they know the monetary aspect is around the corner. Remember that they are always your advocates, and use their support as a form of strength to overcome the obstacle instead of getting stuck in a tough spot where your perception of their disappointment leaves you in a completely precarious situation. If you ever want to go into more details, we can always talk privately as well. It's just actually a bit invigorating after all these years that I found someone struggling to such an extent that I did that it would be a crime not to give you every detail of my own experience. I still am a lousy sleeper, but being a "lousy sleeper" is literally light years beyond where I was at your point, I know from your perspective it's nothing short of hell right now and no one should tell you otherwise. At least take comfort in the fact that severe insomnia IS that bad, and not something you need to "shrug off", as I was received with a dismissive tone by EVERY doctor (including psychiatrists) I visited during that period who either thought I was a hypochondriac or looking for a lab coat with an RX pad - the isolation was one of the worst parts for me in that regard.
