Get off of me

[girlgerms]

He says this alot. Top 3 reasons: Headache. Tiredness. And Stomachache. Sometimes he says he's just "too old"

I don't even think he is cheating because he goes to work and when he gets home sits in front of the tv watching basketball or First Take or Undisputed. Path to the draft. Bitching about how football season can't get here soon enough. I agree.

He doesn't get on the internet, talk on the phone or send text messages. Sometimes on the weekends he will go do mechanic work on peoples farm equipment but he always takes at least one, sometimes both of our boys with him so they can learn how to fix things. Good provider, decent human being. I feel like such a B for feeling like this but I am bored out of my freaking mind. He knows I like a little pain, even just hair pulling, something. Anything. He would prefer I could just be "more normal". And he is not happy about the crossfit because in his opinion a woman should not have muscle definition, they should be softer, heavier more  "motherly"

Thats right. And I'm the weird one?

 

[aintnouse]

@girlgerms    No you are not the weird one.   You sound pretty cool and I am not sure what his problem is.  I know what its like to be in a dull relationship and it aint fun.   Women should look however they want and you should take care of yourself how you see fit.   I, for one, prefer a toned, lean athletic woman that takes care of herself.  You can be fit and feminine!!  Keep doing what you are doing and hopefully he will come around.   I love football too, but I hate those fake argument shows.....

He is lucky to have you so don't feel weird.  Be proud of yourself for taking care of your body and your family.  I am not sure what to tell you to keep from being bored, just know you are anything but weird or odd. 

Do you think he has a legit physical problem like low T or something and his drive and interest aren't there?  There could be other reasons that he his interest has diminished.   

 

[girlgerms]

I think some of it is medical, some of it is not.

He has insanely high blood pressure which he "might" speak to a doctor "someday" about but the ED? No way... he does not believe a man discusses these things with another man. Ever. Not even a if the other man is a doctor.

He might have other medical issues,I can't know for sure because he believes you only should go to a doctor if you have a broken bone or etc.

The other part I think has something to do with it is his extremely religious conservative upbringing. He still goes to church (with his mother:/) every Sunday AND Wednesday and I only go if there is a wedding or funeral.  His mother,(bless her psychotic heart) believes somewhere along the line, I enjoyed the company of the man himself, Satan. Lol. I'm 100% sure that having her in his ear a couple hours a week does NOT help with his ED issue.

Fifteen years ago when we got together and over the years he would indulge me in some mild aggressive play but in the past five years or so he has pretty much "shut that shit down"

I hate to complain; he does finance me 2-3 times a year to go Seattle or Phoenix etc. by myself to be around people more like myself. He thinks I do things like go shopping, join in peaceful protests, hug trees etc. and I do but I also do other stuff. Like if I told him that on this last trip I paid a pro to come to my room for a few hours to teach me a few things.... he wouldn't probably even believe me anyway. I think maybe to him it would be a relief if I found someone outside his little world to indulge myself with that way I could leave him alone about it. Problem is, these things I'm wanting are things you do with someone you trust. I can't really ask a stranger to put his hands around my throat, just a lot but not too long.... sigh.

Some of it is my fault too. When I met him I knew his top 3 loves were God Guns and Football (not in that order even) and that he was a unapologetic conservative Republican. I fell for his looks and because he is funny. He still nearly every day has me laughing so hard my side will hurt and I have to beg him to stop talking so I can get my breath. I didn't take into consideration that me being a much more sexual person than him would be a big issue. But it is. By the end of today I've probably spent 10-12 hours thinking about it to the point that by the time he gets home the situation is desperate and since he will jave a headache or whatever I can forget it. If I try he will just make me feel like a perverted rapist so I just run it out. 

Brand new Adidas again today because they keep wearing out. So today it can hurt for a bit. Until you get a few miles in, then nothing hurts. A rush you can't get in liquid or pill form. And I can run until I can feel it start to burn in my fingertips turning numb. Mind willing or not. The whole time I think about nothing. But after I throw some ice on it and curse shin splints... I still wouldn't even mind even a old-fashioned. 

 

[aintnouse]

Yikes....sounds like a bit of a mess.    I am not a big fan of religion or guns, but to each their own.  I think religion is a much more dangerous thing than a gun in someone's hand.   His conservatism is going to be a tough one to crack....I find when people latch on to political ideologies so strongly, they rarely see anyone else's point of view.    I don't think you wanting to spice things up a little bit is weird at all and I completely understand you having to have someone you trust involved.  It could get ugly real quick if that trust is violated!!  I dont have a good answer for you!  I wish I did....I know its prolly frustrating as hell and having his mother involved is definitely nerve racking!!   Why did he shut it down?  It seems the opposite of a growing relationship....

@girlgerms    I hope you find a solution to your problem!!!  

 

[girlgerms]

@aintnouse

He has pretty much shut down anything sexual since the ED issue came into play. Since he won't even discuss it...I don't see this working out to my satisfaction probably ever. I had already compromised to settle for 4-5x a week, then 4-5x a month and now its looking to be 4-5x a year I like physical contact with people and he does not, we can't even go to the movies together because if someone sits within 3 seats of him we have to move and its embarrassing. I guess its okay to sit by people in church but I don't know, he might have a row all to himself there too.

His mother is probably a bigger issue than I give her credit for. Lol. She would probably love it if I kicked him out of my house so she could have him all to herself. He is a "good son" so I don't even waste my time. And she is funny too; awhile back she said I was spoiled and manipulative of men because I was raised in a house with all brothers and no female "role model" So I told her I had a stepmother Judy for a few years and she said  "That Judy guy was a woman?" LmAo!!  I was like "Yeah bitch, Judy could kick any mans ass thats for sure and I once saw her hold down and castrate a male calf BY HERSELF, but she was definitely female" But, I will concede that she taught me no useful skills

Maybe I will meet someone in a different city than mine who has the same problem, they don't want to cause any breakup dramas because there are kids in the home. Then then in 4 years when my youngest son leaves for college I will reevaluate this entire relationship. I am already 40 freaking years old so its not like I want to waste the next 15 years with someone  Im sexually incompatible with.

 

[girlgerms]

One more thing Since I'm basically celibate right now and therefore thinking about sex all day long I just remembered something I wanted to mention: My better half does not agree with oral sex, never has and his reasoning is as follows verbatim:

"Oral sex is disrespectful if you are in a relationship. That is something a single guy would get from a prostitute. No man who respects a woman or is who married should treat his woman like a whore. And a real man would never de-masculanize himself by giving oral sex. If a man gives a woman oral.....that makes him a bitch."

I guess. I was just like, that's funny, you're a prude its okay. Not everybody likes everything. But now I got the curiosity, maybe most guys in heterosexual relationships agree that this is a legit viewpoint. Common or not?

 

[aintnouse]

@girlgerms Not a legit viewpoint.....Why would you go down on a lady of the night that has been visited by many guys and is prolly unclean!!    To me and I imagine most hetero men, giving your partner pleasure regardless of the process is what its all about.   I could graphically explain one of my favorite things but I wont because I dont think its proper in the forum but giving (to me) is just as much fun as receiving.   Your hubby is wrong and it has nothing to do with masculinity.   He is just brainwashed by the church and his conservatism.   Not a common or legit viewpoint.     Sorry to hear about your predicament .  Thats a tough situation to deal with and there is no easy way out.

Oh and btw....I am a good son too but that doesn't mean my Mom controls my life.  Hell I am the first to admit I am a Mommas boy but there are limits to the influence my Mom has over me.   You can be a good son and a good husband at the same time!! His  Momma needs to stay out of  your marriage and the bedroom!!!       

 

[Dumbass#1]

I think some of it is medical, some of it is not.

He has insanely high blood pressure which he "might" speak to a doctor "someday" about but the ED? No way... he does not believe a man discusses these things with another man. Ever. Not even a if the other man is a doctor.

He might have other medical issues,I can't know for sure because he believes you only should go to a doctor if you have a broken bone or etc.

The other part I think has something to do with it is his extremely religious conservative upbringing. He still goes to church (with his mother:/) every Sunday AND Wednesday and I only go if there is a wedding or funeral.  His mother,(bless her psychotic heart) believes somewhere along the line, I enjoyed the company of the man himself, Satan. Lol. I'm 100% sure that having her in his ear a couple hours a week does NOT help with his ED issue.

Fifteen years ago when we got together and over the years he would indulge me in some mild aggressive play but in the past five years or so he has pretty much "shut that shit down"

I hate to complain; he does finance me 2-3 times a year to go Seattle or Phoenix etc. by myself to be around people more like myself. He thinks I do things like go shopping, join in peaceful protests, hug trees etc. and I do but I also do other stuff. Like if I told him that on this last trip I paid a pro to come to my room for a few hours to teach me a few things.... he wouldn't probably even believe me anyway. I think maybe to him it would be a relief if I found someone outside his little world to indulge myself with that way I could leave him alone about it. Problem is, these things I'm wanting are things you do with someone you trust. I can't really ask a stranger to put his hands around my throat, just a lot but not too long.... sigh.

Some of it is my fault too. When I met him I knew his top 3 loves were God Guns and Football (not in that order even) and that he was a unapologetic conservative Republican. I fell for his looks and because he is funny. He still nearly every day has me laughing so hard my side will hurt and I have to beg him to stop talking so I can get my breath. I didn't take into consideration that me being a much more sexual person than him would be a big issue. But it is. By the end of today I've probably spent 10-12 hours thinking about it to the point that by the time he gets home the situation is desperate and since he will jave a headache or whatever I can forget it. If I try he will just make me feel like a perverted rapist so I just run it out. 

Brand new Adidas again today because they keep wearing out. So today it can hurt for a bit. Until you get a few miles in, then nothing hurts. A rush you can't get in liquid or pill form. And I can run until I can feel it start to burn in my fingertips turning numb. Mind willing or not. The whole time I think about nothing. But after I throw some ice on it and curse shin splints... I still wouldn't even mind even a old-fashioned. 

Girl,.... just some VERY friendly advice.  I once was 40 - and in fabulous shape.  I used to be at the gym everyday working out and used to have the extremely lean, muscular, athletic body.  Also was married to the love of my life until around age 35. We had a daughter together and after I had baby (and during my pregnancy) he totally turned it off. So imagine THAT situation at a young age. When I was pregnant that's all I wanted to do is FUCK with all of those hormones running through my veins. After baby we started working out together every day.   I was in he best shape of my life POST BABY.  At that young age - being in he best shape of my life - guys hitting on me - and my also young husband just shuts down.  When we were first together we had fabulous sex. The problem was-  I felt much like you do right now and I ran out of patience.  The idea of spending the rest of my life with a person who seemingly had no desire for me was not on my agenda at thirty something. So I proceeded to take our BABY daughter and go start my own life without the man who was, as it turned out(figured this out AFTER I go through all my shit) the love of my life.  It took me years of therapy to figure all this shit out  .  And when I think back on our relationship  and compare my ex to guys I've subsequently dated over the last 13 years - I realize we really were best friends - and now I miss his companionship.  

I know I am bouncing around here but stick with me ......Right around the age of 40, - with the  love of my life remarried to another woman - and with another child - my body literally started breaking down. My spine is totally fucking shot - I live with chronic pain with a bad neck- 2 discs pushed up against my spinal cord and I've ALREADY  had 2 neck surgeries.  Also got into a terrible car accident last year and was broadsided. It actually knocked a letter "C " into my lumbar spine so I have adult onset scoliosis. I've had 3 fucking foot surgeries in the last year or so. Just about every bad physical thing that could possibly happen to me short of death has happened to me in the years after our separation.  Not to rant - but we never know what cards we're going to be dealt and sometimes it's good to just count our blessings 

Even if you are going to be empty nester soon don't underestimate the consequences of your actions on your children.   Girl, im so serious this is some shit I had to figure out on my selfish own   .   I also was a big liberal when I was young (NOT in my older years). My ex is also very conservative. He's from South Dakota and comes from parents who are still married after 50 years and me - from a family of divorce. 

It's really funny how your whole

perspective on life can change after you're dealt with some difficult times like I've been through.   

  I have spent a lot of time wondering "what if" - wondering what things would be like if we would have stayed together and now I'm pushing 50 -'my body completely broken down and I've been zoned out on pain meds since 2006.   And oddly, after all the shit I put my family through - and having that crazy ass sex drive now I  have NO sex drive!!!!   Going through menopause - - on hormones but they aren't doing a THING for me.   There's not really an opportunity or chance to meet somebody because of my physical limitations. - not to mention I'm not interested with no sex drive - lol.   If my ex and I would have stayed together we would have celebrated 20 years this year.

 Again not to sound too "preach-ee" but just things to think about.  The grass is NOT always greener contrary to popular belief.  We live in an immediate gratification society - go find yourself a boyfriend .  ? Shannon

As far as the oral sex thing....Very uncommon. Did you Not know this before you guys got married?  Maybe I'm a whore but I'm a big believer in kicking the tires before I take the drive.  

Oh and by the way im

from Texas - and like I said USED to be a big liberal -I am no

fan of Donald trump but after dealing with Obama's foreign policy for 8 years (Syria and Iran) that put the final proverbial nail in the coffin for me and I voted for Obama in his first term - after following him from the time he was still in the Illinois senate when NOBODY knew who he was.  I'm  a political nut!!!  My dad is an ex marine from Texas who's also a big democrat.   

But I'm a conservative who goes to church and loves guns. So don't judge too quick!!!

 

[girlgerms]

@Pooner2013

Thank you for replying and sharing some of your story with me. I read it twice and went for my run. Usually, when I run I don't think about anything, just focus. So I was thinking about a scenario where I'm not in this relationship anymore  and my partner is in a serious relationship with someone else. Usually when I have played this scenario out in my head before..he is always just alone. 

I admit, just the thought almost gave me a full on anxiety attack. I felt like someone just punched me in the gut. Knocked the wind out of me.

I admit, I can be selfish and when I get frustrated I am not a good communicator. I can be emotional and not look at the big picture. 

Fact of the matter is, I really only want to be with him and it hurts  my feelings and pisses me off when he rejects me like this. I have tried to talk using different approaches and he just really won't discuss it.

But, he is a good guy. Great father. My perfect opposite. We actually have alot of fun with the fact that he is so conservative and I am so...not. He voted Trump but he does this impersonation of Trump that would make you think otherwise. When he knows I can hear him, he'll walk up to a tree and ask it how its doing, offer it a hug. We dont take those things too seriously day to day.

So Im going to keep trying. I know he cares about me and this is important to me.

There is probably some shit I could do (besides run away and be a freak.) to get this situation where I want it to be.

@Pooner2013

Priceless advice. Thank you. 

 

[Dumbass#1]

@Pooner2013

Thank you for replying and sharing some of your story with me. I read it twice and went for my run. Usually, when I run I don't think about anything, just focus. So I was thinking about a scenario where I'm not in this relationship anymore  and my partner is in a serious relationship with someone else. Usually when I have played this scenario out in my head before..he is always just alone. 

I admit, just the thought almost gave me a full on anxiety attack. I felt like someone just punched me in the gut. Knocked the wind out of me.

I admit, I can be selfish and when I get frustrated I am not a good communicator. I can be emotional and not look at the big picture. 

Fact of the matter is, I really only want to be with him and it hurts  my feelings and pisses me off when he rejects me like this. I have tried to talk using different approaches and he just really won't discuss it.

But, he is a good guy. Great father. My perfect opposite. We actually have alot of fun with the fact that he is so conservative and I am so...not. He voted Trump but he does this impersonation of Trump that would make you think otherwise. When he knows I can hear him, he'll walk up to a tree and ask it how its doing, offer it a hug. We dont take those things too seriously day to day.

So Im going to keep trying. I know he cares about me and this is important to me.

There is probably some shit I could do (besides run away and be a freak.) to get this situation where I want it to be.

@Pooner2013

Priceless advice. Thank you. 

You know @girlgerms, I know I made that comment about me being selfish however I want to also point out we are only human.  It's funny because when Patrick and I split up I remember him telling me "you're going to be fine- you'll get remarried, have more babies (I wanted more children at the time)  but I'll never be able to move on".  I also believed this at the time and the complete opposite ended up being true.  

Have you ever COMPLETELY shared your feelings with him??  Mentioned that you have considered having another relationship because of your physical needs?  I'm not sure if that's too much to share with him but it might be worth it to try another strategy to get his attention. You guys really should talk to somebody about your stuff. It sounds like he would not be open to the idea but again any measures of desperation you can take which might get his attention could be worth it.  

I know you don't want to hear this probably but I want you to know I've been thinking about you and praying for you to find a workable solution. Relationships are tough business. But every time I hear of friends or other people having marital issues related to sex....but otherwise it sounds like their relationship sounds strong (like you) - I always try to encourage people to try and stay together. One of my best friends is married to a doctor and several years ago he had an affair with one of his nurses. My girlfriend ended up leaving him with their 2 young children. Needless to say I spent a lot of time trying to talk her into "forgiving him and trying  again".  After about a year of being apart they got back together I was thrilled. Today their marriage is stronger than ever and I couldn't be any happier for them.  

As the years go by it's likely you'll both experience peaks and valleys with your sex drives.  It sounds to me like you love him very much other than this one issue y'all are having .   

I like stories with a happy ending and I'm pulling for you.  Whatever you need to do to get his attention- just do it - but don't take it too far!

hugs my friend!!!

shannon. 

 

[girlgerms]

@Pooner2013

Thank you for the good thoughts

I have brought up before about having a "open" relationship or etc and he always says No. He does not want see other people .

What I have decided to do is, because I know he has a lot on his plate right now; he has a small business with 4 employees and they just took on another kid as a apprentice. His employees are all younger guys in thier 20's and 30's with kids  etc and they all rely on him to be able to bid on and get contracts for jobs so they are steady working and get paid. I know its hard for him to worry about me getting off when he has people relying on him so they can feed their families, pay mortgages etc.

Luckily he was able to get the bid on two pretty big demolition jobs this week and so with the other jobs already lined up he has work  for them steady next 9 months at least.

I was looking through his paperworks and saw there is a week and a half at the end of May where the job dosnt need him there to supervise  and he could take a break.  I know he has always wanted to go to Yellowstone park and so I asked him if we could go that week, just the two of us, I will make all the arrangements, and he said yes.

This is good because, besides a couple quickie trips to see a few NFL games, we have not went away together alone for a long time. I'm going to really try to reconnect with him on this trip, get into his head etc.

 

[Dumbass#1]

@Pooner2013

Thank you for the good thoughts

I have brought up before about having a "open" relationship or etc and he always says No. He does not want see other people .

What I have decided to do is, because I know he has a lot on his plate right now; he has a small business with 4 employees and they just took on another kid as a apprentice. His employees are all younger guys in thier 20's and 30's with kids  etc and they all rely on him to be able to bid on and get contracts for jobs so they are steady working and get paid. I know its hard for him to worry about me getting off when he has people relying on him so they can feed their families, pay mortgages etc.

Luckily he was able to get the bid on two pretty big demolition jobs this week and so with the other jobs already lined up he has work  for them steady next 9 months at least.

I was looking through his paperworks and saw there is a week and a half at the end of May where the job dosnt need him there to supervise  and he could take a break.  I know he has always wanted to go to Yellowstone park and so I asked him if we could go that week, just the two of us, I will make all the arrangements, and he said yes.

This is good because, besides a couple quickie trips to see a few NFL games, we have not went away together alone for a long time. I'm going to really try to reconnect with him on this trip, get into his head etc.

Awesome !!! Perfect idea ?.  Me and my ex and his parents used to go to Yellowstone on motorcycles. Them being from SD - they are all about the Harley's- lol. It's beautiful and very romantic there. You will love it!!!  I'm so happy you are thinking of good ideas like that!  Let me know when/ if y'all end up going. Another place we used to go when we'd make the Yellowstone trip is Jackson Hole, WY - that was another beautiful place in romantic setting. I

wish you the very best!!!!

 

[Handsley]

@girlgermsI had a similar situation and broke up with my husband when my son was 3 years old.  We were apart for a year.  He just wasn't ready to be responsible and be a dad and wanted me to be his mommy and I just couldn't do it anymore.  After a year of being separated, we decided to try it again and stayed together through thick and thin for 12 more years until he died 3 months ago.  I gave my son the most incredible gift of having his father in a home with him until he was 15 years old.  We developed an incredible marriage, but really in the beginning when we got back together, I did it all for the kid because I grew up without a father and didn't want the same for him.  Our sex life, too, wasn't the greatest, but it becomes much less important as you age.  My husband was a very good father, but really couldn't handle the hard stuff of being a dad, just the fun stuff.  Well, that's important, too.  So I decided to suck it up buttercup and stay in it and I am so happy I did now knowing the way things turned out in the end.  I found outlets for myself and tried to do things that made me happy and I read the book Codependent No More and I just refused to be his mommy anymore.  It's funny if you stop treating your guy like a child, he will have to grow up.  As we got older, he did and even had a better credit score than I did in the end (ha!).  If your guy already has high BP and works so hard, you and your kids may be in this shorter than you think.  Mine died at 52 years old of a sudden heart attack.  He was dead before he hit the ground.  He was not sick beforehand and would never go to doctors, but certainly they would have found this heart disease if he had gone for a routine checkup.  He was just a guy that I could not force to do anything he didn't want to and I let him live and be and do the things that made him happy.  If you guys are not providing a terrible space for your kids to live in by fighting, screaming all the time and he still makes you laugh, there is still hope.  I hope you have a wonderful time at Yellowstone.  It's worth saving.  You will be glad you did or you will have to be satisfied that you did everything you could to save it.  It sounds like you still have some more avenues to explore before you throw in the towel.  It will be worth it.

 

[Dumbass#1]

@girlgermsI had a similar situation and broke up with my husband when my son was 3 years old.  We were apart for a year.  He just wasn't ready to be responsible and be a dad and wanted me to be his mommy and I just couldn't do it anymore.  After a year of being separated, we decided to try it again and stayed together through thick and thin for 12 more years until he died 3 months ago.  I gave my son the most incredible gift of having his father in a home with him until he was 15 years old.  We developed an incredible marriage, but really in the beginning when we got back together, I did it all for the kid because I grew up without a father and didn't want the same for him.  Our sex life, too, wasn't the greatest, but it becomes much less important as you age.  My husband was a very good father, but really couldn't handle the hard stuff of being a dad, just the fun stuff.  Well, that's important, too.  So I decided to suck it up buttercup and stay in it and I am so happy I did now knowing the way things turned out in the end.  I found outlets for myself and tried to do things that made me happy and I read the book Codependent No More and I just refused to be his mommy anymore.  It's funny if you stop treating your guy like a child, he will have to grow up.  As we got older, he did and even had a better credit score than I did in the end (ha!).  If your guy already has high BP and works so hard, you and your kids may be in this shorter than you think.  Mine died at 52 years old of a sudden heart attack.  He was dead before he hit the ground.  He was not sick beforehand and would never go to doctors, but certainly they would have found this heart disease if he had gone for a routine checkup.  He was just a guy that I could not force to do anything he didn't want to and I let him live and be and do the things that made him happy.  If you guys are not providing a terrible space for your kids to live in by fighting, screaming all the time and he still makes you laugh, there is still hope.  I hope you have a wonderful time at Yellowstone.  It's worth saving.  You will be glad you did or you will have to be satisfied that you did everything you could to save it.  It sounds like you still have some more avenues to explore before you throw in the towel.  It will be worth it.

@Handsley, awesome post!!!

 

[US Army Veteran]

He says this alot. Top 3 reasons: Headache. Tiredness. And Stomachache. Sometimes he says he's just "too old"

I don't even think he is cheating because he goes to work and when he gets home sits in front of the tv watching basketball or First Take or Undisputed. Path to the draft. Bitching about how football season can't get here soon enough. I agree.

He doesn't get on the internet, talk on the phone or send text messages. Sometimes on the weekends he will go do mechanic work on peoples farm equipment but he always takes at least one, sometimes both of our boys with him so they can learn how to fix things. Good provider, decent human being. I feel like such a B for feeling like this but I am bored out of my freaking mind. He knows I like a little pain, even just hair pulling, something. Anything. He would prefer I could just be "more normal". And he is not happy about the crossfit because in his opinion a woman should not have muscle definition, they should be softer, heavier more  "motherly"

Thats right. And I'm the weird one?

How long have y'all been together? Married, engaged, or BF/GF? Ever consider he may not be sexually attracted to you? How long has this been going on honey? How often do you guys have sex? I know that was personal. But may your not his type???! I don't know. I'm a male so I'm trying to help you from a males point of view. Best of luck!!!!!

 

[US Army Veteran]

Yikes....sounds like a bit of a mess.    I am not a big fan of religion or guns, but to each their own.  I think religion is a much more dangerous thing than a gun in someone's hand.   His conservatism is going to be a tough one to crack....I find when people latch on to political ideologies so strongly, they rarely see anyone else's point of view.    I don't think you wanting to spice things up a little bit is weird at all and I completely understand you having to have someone you trust involved.  It could get ugly real quick if that trust is violated!!  I dont have a good answer for you!  I wish I did....I know its prolly frustrating as hell and having his mother involved is definitely nerve racking!!   Why did he shut it down?  It seems the opposite of a growing relationship....

@girlgerms    I hope you find a solution to your problem!!!  

Yea when people are way to far into religious views they sometime shy away people. I'm a Christian but I don't show it down peoples throats. 

 

[Dr-Octagon]

@aintnouse

He has pretty much shut down anything sexual since the ED issue came into play. Since he won't even discuss it...I don't see this working out to my satisfaction probably ever. I had already compromised to settle for 4-5x a week, then 4-5x a month and now its looking to be 4-5x a year I like physical contact with people and he does not, we can't even go to the movies together because if someone sits within 3 seats of him we have to move and its embarrassing. I guess its okay to sit by people in church but I don't know, he might have a row all to himself there too.

His mother is probably a bigger issue than I give her credit for. Lol. She would probably love it if I kicked him out of my house so she could have him all to herself. He is a "good son" so I don't even waste my time. And she is funny too; awhile back she said I was spoiled and manipulative of men because I was raised in a house with all brothers and no female "role model" So I told her I had a stepmother Judy for a few years and she said  "That Judy guy was a woman?" LmAo!!  I was like "Yeah bitch, Judy could kick any mans ass thats for sure and I once saw her hold down and castrate a male calf BY HERSELF, but she was definitely female" But, I will concede that she taught me no useful skills

Maybe I will meet someone in a different city than mine who has the same problem, they don't want to cause any breakup dramas because there are kids in the home. Then then in 4 years when my youngest son leaves for college I will reevaluate this entire relationship. I am already 40 freaking years old so its not like I want to waste the next 15 years with someone  Im sexually incompatible with.

@girlgermsI've been in that relationship, still am, 14 years of "marital bliss" lol.  It has changed, she made an effort to (albeit after i stepped away)  at any rate, some of the damage can be fixed, some can never be undone and u can't get the genie back in the bottle.  My son is 14, that's a factor. U also deserve to be happy and feel whole. That should also be a factor.   Best thing u can do is examine your part in a situation, any situation, and do your part.  I may elaborate on mine when i have more time.  I accepted many things i never should have. I have the freedom and power of choice. I kno its complex and difficult.  Our stories, situations and other factors are almost identical.  It makes me wonder how rare it is.....

 

[girlgerms]

How long have y'all been together? Married, engaged, or BF/GF? Ever consider he may not be sexually attracted to you? How long has this been going on honey? How often do you guys have sex? I know that was personal. But may your not his type???! I don't know. I'm a male so I'm trying to help you from a males point of view. Best of luck!!!!!

We have been together 16 years. We have two sons; one is sixteen and the youngest is almost twelve. I also have a son from a previous relationship who is 22, he moved away at eighteen for school. I mention them only because at this point I can't just do whatever I want. I have to be responsible and do the right things. 

I guess I don't really know if he has a "type". Before myself, he was only with one other person that I know of, she was a girl he dated through high school and for a few years after.

We went on a little trip last month and it was really good. Except the part where I tried to talk with him about this issue. He will not discuss it, bottom line. I didnt press the issue because we were having so much fun, I didn't really want to talk about it either.

I would say maybe 2-3 x's a month is all.  I know not everyone will agree but, a physical relationship is important to me. And to be honest, all this pro-Trump, anti-abortion, anti-liberal anti- everything not rich or white is getting to be a real turn off anyway. At this point I am just waiting for something....I'm not sure what it is, I'm just waiting.

 

[girlgerms]

@girlgermsI've been in that relationship, still am, 14 years of "marital bliss" lol.  It has changed, she made an effort to (albeit after i stepped away)  at any rate, some of the damage can be fixed, some can never be undone and u can't get the genie back in the bottle.  My son is 14, that's a factor. U also deserve to be happy and feel whole. That should also be a factor.   Best thing u can do is examine your part in a situation, any situation, and do your part.  I may elaborate on mine when i have more time.  I accepted many things i never should have. I have the freedom and power of choice. I kno its complex and difficult.  Our stories, situations and other factors are almost identical.  It makes me wonder how rare it is.....

Probably why so many people cheat. I admit, I never cheated until about 4 years ago. I've had a few "weekend flings" with people I  would meet while out of town. Would just hang out, do drugs, party. Couple days max. Then come home and never tell anyone. This is th only thing I can do because I could never risk doing anything with anyone from back home. Too risky. I definitely don't want to start any type of relationship that is anything except sexual with anyone.

I'm sure he knows I've done something. He knows I party when I go on vacation. He doesn't pry so.... He did get a little pissed when I started to follow Disturbed on their last tour. He knows I love D Draiman and was trying to meet him. Especially at Seattle because it was at Showbox not a stadium. Other than that time, I guess we have a unspoken Don't ask Don't tell arrangement about it. He never goes anywhere except work and church. If he hangs out with his friends, they just stand around in a garage, in work clothes drink a few beers and talk about jobs and cars or football. So im positive he's not cheated.:/ 

I've learned not to even bring up the subject, in any context with any females I know. They are mostly pretty prudish and if you say anything about any sex, they act like you are a total whore. Slut.  Small town,small minds, small....