I’m new to(probably) having an anxiety disorder. Really need advice

[LunaLovegood]

Long post, sorry about that.

I suppose you can take all this with a grain of salt, as I haven’t been diagnosed with anything yet. However, I deeply hate doctors and wouldn’t even be considering going to one if I weren’t at wits end with this. 

I have an mental disorder called HPPD(hallucinogen persisting perception disorder), the result of a little too much experimentation with hallucinogens. It started a bit less than six months ago. I have visual symptoms, but I don’t mind them at all. I have anxiety too, but up until the last 2 months, it’s been manageable. Meaning I would have a couple bad days every few weeks, but not so bad I felt the need to seek medication. About 2 months ago, that changed. I’m not sure why. Since then, my anxiety has gotten worse and worse. It’s seeping all the joy out of my life. There are just a few short moments every day where I feel like my old self, and it’s terrible because it just makes me even more aware of how much my life sucks now.

I have been in denial about how bad the anxiety really is because I hate doctors, and desperately don’t want to end up dependent on another drug. I tried 5-HTP, ashwaganda, and melatonin at the advice of people on HPPD Reddit, but of course none of it did anything. From my research, benzos seem to be the thing that helps most for people with my condition -particularly cl0naz0l@m. I’ve never taken any benz0 before(never had anxiety issues before this year), but I am well aware of how addictive they are, how dangerous the WDs are, etc. Hopefully I would only need to be on it for a short time. 

Anyway, I could really use some advice/guidance. Getting to a doctor, and getting them to actually help me are also huge obstacles. I am poor and have no insurance. I am applying for Medicaid, but it could be 45 days before I am approved.

Another problem: I am on meth@d0ne. I tend to assume no doctor will give me any controlled substance as soon as they know I’m on meth@d0ne/a drug addict. Am I wasting my time even trying to get prescribed benz0s? Would I be better off just getting what I need from one of our fine magazine publishers here? The meth@d0ne creates an obstacle again, as I am tested for benz0s. I only go in once every two weeks though. 

I figured there would be plenty of people here with ample experience dealing with these problems. Any advice y’all could offer would be really appreciated. I know there are alternatives to benzos that can help with anxiety. Suggestions are most welcome. Especially for meds that are available here, and ones that won’t show up on my UA at the clinic 

Actually, any advice generally for dealing with anxiety would be appreciated. Thanks  

 

[LunaLovegood]

TL;DR: 

1. Will a doctor prescribe me anything useful for my anxiety(i.e. benzos) if they know I am on meth@d0ne?

2. Any good alternatives to benzos people can reccomend for anxiety? Especially interested in ones that wouldn’t show up on testing(since I get tested at my md0ne clinic).

3. General advice on dealing with anxiety disorders? 

Thank you  

 

[DoomKitty]

1.  Its extremely unlikely that a doc would prescribe any b3nz if they know you're on m3th@d0ne.  I mean its highly unlikely they would even if you weren't! They seem to go more for ssri's and g@bapentin or beta blockers these days.  Which can be super helpful for some of course and may be perfect for the anxiety you are experiencing. 

2/3.  There's tons of things people take to help alleviate anxiety from supplements/herbs like magnesium, l-theanine, B-vitamins, magnolia bark extract, mulungu bark, etc.  Also the things above i mentioned like g@b@pentin, ssri's and beta blockers.  Then your non-edibles like exercising daily, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, talk therapy.  Thinking just a pill will solve everything isn't always the case and more often than not people need a mix of all the above to find their own stasis.  There's a LOT of different kinds of anxiety and co-morbidities with those anxieties so there's no one size fits all in terms of the things that are helpful.  If you have only been experiencing debilitating anxiety in the last couple months i would think there would be a cause of some sort.  I know lots of people with HPPD experience intense anxiety because of it.  Even if you enjoy the visuals or whatnot, you might be feeling more "locked-in" to your own world making the rest of the world more unsettling.  My friend who had HPPD was always anxious because of the constant "noise" from the HPPD and how it prevented her from doing lots of things and also the fear that it would get worse and worse and last forever.  Finding ways to get that in check (avoiding more psychs and other drugs for a long time seems to be the best way) may be super helpful in relieving symptoms.  Finding triggers/enablers and brainstorming how to avoid/deal is vital as well.  I know a lot of people hate therapy or cant afford it, but talking about it to someone can help so much whether its a friend or a professional.  But obviously talking about it is in itself anxiety-producing so that can be hard for people.  These a just a couple idea hopefully others will chime in.  Im sure A LOT of people who use this forum deal with varying types and degrees of anxiety. 

I'm not sure about UA tests and what shows or doesn't show so i cant speak to that.  I know a lot of RC b3nz3s will pop for various metabolites so be careful if you go that route.

Hopefully some of this is helpful!! Sorry to hear you're struggling with anxiety.  it is a brutal beast.  Take care and stay strong!

 

[LunaLovegood]

@DoomKitty Thank you very much. I have been trying to go the non-medicated route(believe me, I don’t take the idea of going on any medication lightly). 

have tried several supplements(melatonin, magnesium, ashwaganda, 5-HTP), and of course they didn’t help. I didn’t bother to try lion’s mane or NAC or anything else because at that point it really felt like buying supplements was flushing money down the toilet.

I’m excercizing regularly(I go for long walks), I quit smoking(cigarettes), and I have stopped all recreational drug use except for mj, and even that I cut way back on(well not so much “cut back” as “can’t smoke very often/much due to anxiety”). 

Anyway, dependence and addiction(to benzos or any other med) are things I’d like to avoid. I really hate doctors and our medical system(esp. here in the US) too. So I’ve been trying the strategy of making lifestyle changes + sucking it up and trying to cope. However, I have been so miserable, my daily dose of methadone is one of the only things left in my life I can enjoy. I’ve been clean from other 0pis besides md0ne for 3+ years, and the realization that I’m in a place mentally where I could easily relapse is what made me conclude supplements and healthy eating aren’t enough for me right now. I mean I’m resisting the temptation to relapse, and intend to continue to do so. It’s just a lot harder when I feel terrible all the time. I can always go up on my md0ne dose, but once again, the underlying problem seem to be the anxiety. If I could just get that a little bit under control and get my feet back under me, I could get back to a place where I don’t feel the temptation to use. 

 

[LunaLovegood]

Whenever I try to do “fun” things to distract myself, it just ends up making me feel even worse because I can’t get any enjoyment out of them. It ends up being the worst because all the nice things in life are just wasted on me. 

 

[LunaLovegood]

@DoomKitty It’s interesting you say that about benzos. If I sounded especially focused on that class it’s because everywhere I have read about HPPD, by far and away the commonest thing people say helped them is cl0n@zolam, or some other benzo. I wonder how all the people on HPPD Reddit got prescribed it. Considering how virulently against recreational drug use the dominant voices over there seem to be(they think *all* recreational drug use is evil for everyone always), I seriously doubt they are getting their cl0n from anywhere but a doctor

I’ve heard only the vaguest hearsay rumors of anyone with HPPD being helped by gabapentin. Beta blockers are a possibility, though. I’ve heard rumors that certain anti-psychotics can help as well.  

Unfortunately, from what I’ve read, even getting a doctor who knows what HPPD is will be a challenge if not impossible(for me in my circumstances). I’ve heard plenty of horror stories of psychs thinking HPPD is schizophrenia or psychosis and giving someone anti-psychotics(some of which can make HPPD *worse*!).

So seeking medical attention feels quixotic and futile. I’ve talked myself out of trying to seek treatment a dozen times. The hassle of dealing with social anxiety with a doctor, and the likelihood that they either give me nothing at all(except advice to do the things I’ve already been trying to do), or put me on a drug that has little evidence of it being useful for HPPD. Or they’ll write me off entirely as a drug seeker.

I’ve been considering trying an RC benzo like etiz0l@m, or even something like phenibut. I haven’t done more than research them a little. For good reason, I have just as many misgivings about going that route. 

Anyway, sorry for the super long post. Thanks for listening. And thanks for the advice

 

[LatsDoodis]

@LunaLovegood

Thanks for posting and sharing your story. It sounds more than a bit frustrating, and I hope you’re getting as much social support and professional help to get you along here as we all brain storm pharmaceutical options to explore. I can relate to how desperate and disabling anxiety and anxiety-related disorders can be, and I want you to know we care and are here for you. My thoughts are this:

1. Prazosin

2. Clonidine

3. Agmatine (OTC) 

4. Neuro-Optometrist evaluation and therapy  

1: Prazosin is a f*ing lifesaver for conditions with symptoms relating to over-arousal or adrenergic hyper functioning. It stopped my PTSD nightmares within a few days, and drastically reduced my triggers during the day time back when I was treated with it. It can be taken once before bed as instant release or once per day as extended releases. Though HPPD is poorly understood, it is triggered by anxiety, stress; and thought to be related to hyper-arousal in a related manor as PTSD symptoms may manifest. I highly recommend this as a treatment to discuss with your doc, though it may take some education. It will be prescribed to you easily as it is not a controlled substance and not habit forming. In fact, it may reduce dependence or misuse of substances such as alcohol and other drugs  

2.  Clonidine is an adjunct treatment for attention deficit disorders as well as a hypertension medication. It is actually somewhat similar to Prazosin in that both may calm your nervous system down a bit, both lower blood pressure modestly, and both are non-controlled, but it actually works completely differently. I have no personal experience with it, but I have heard it has actually been used for a while to treat HPPD with encouraging results.   

3. Agmatine is a wonderful over the counter neurotransmitter and neurotransmitter modulator. It’s relatively new to studies of human use, but very safe and widely helpful. It will augment your methodone effects so be careful with dosing if you don’t wanna get high, but concomitant use of the two will actually reduce reinforcing and/or withdrawal effects of opioids in the longer term so it will also support your substance misuse/addiction goals. Take on an empty stomach in the range of 400-600 mgs per day, and later experiment with dose if you like (some evidence re: mood, physical  health, and repairing and/or preventing cognitive dysfunctions, etc. at other higher doses, but start here where most of the demonstrated positive effects to date have been shown.)  Must be empty stomach!! This substance has similar effects as Clonidine, interestingly; though it is known to displace Clonidine in the body. It has positive effects in a load building, allostatic manor on virtually every neurotransmitter system of the body, and shows promise in repairing damage to all these systems from misuse and damage of every major drug of abuse studied to date. I believe this will help you reset a lot with your faulty wiring and prevent the anxiety related issued that may trigger symptoms of HPPD and other anxiety disorders  

4. A neuro optometrist will help you correct some of the neurological deficits and faulty wiring that may undetlie your HPPD, as well as any other neurological conditions or dysfunctions causing you problems. An evaluation from someone knowledgeable about brain injuries or neurological issues such as yours will have a lot to say, but be sure they do before you go to just anyone. They can be hard to find, but well worth exploring in the long term for you  

 

[LunaLovegood]

@LatsDoodis Thank you SO MUCH. This was exactly the kind of advice I was hoping to receive  

This has totally given me some hope. 

I have to say, hanging out(virtually) in this little community has helped cheer me up, especially these rough last couple weeks. The libertarian/individualist spirit within me has a deep affection for the beautiful little system on which this place operates. And the ability to share knowledge and experience is really empowering. Also, it’s just very nice to have found a place with people I have quite a lot in common with.

Thanks again

Luna

 

[DoomKitty]

Yay @LatsDoodis for dropping the knowledge bombs!!! Amazing!  I also take Prazosin for PTSD nightmares and it also has saved my life!!! 

And i only said the thing about b3nz3s cuz most doctors these days won't prescribe them or if they do they only do so in paltry amounts.  One of the reasons this forum exists!  If the HPPD people on Reddit are suggesting Cl0n@zolam that is an RC b3nz and wouldn't be prescribed by a doctor.  If you ever decide to use RC b3nz0s for anxiety i would not recommend that one (especially for beginners) as its most notorious for causing blackouts at any amount.  AFAIK pyr@z and dicl@z are the most functional RC b3nz3s, but everything RC is unregulated so proceed with caution as always!  Stay strong!!!

Thanks again @LatsDoodis for all that wonderful knowledge!!

 

[LunaLovegood]

Yay @LatsDoodis for dropping the knowledge bombs!!! Amazing!  I also take Prazosin for PTSD nightmares and it also has saved my life!!! 

And i only said the thing about b3nz3s cuz most doctors these days won't prescribe them or if they do they only do so in paltry amounts.  One of the reasons this forum exists!  If the HPPD people on Reddit are suggesting Cl0n@zolam that is an RC b3nz and wouldn't be prescribed by a doctor.  If you ever decide to use RC b3nz0s for anxiety i would not recommend that one (especially for beginners) as its most notorious for causing blackouts at any amount.  AFAIK pyr@z and dicl@z are the most functional RC b3nz3s, but everything RC is unregulated so proceed with caution as always!  Stay strong!!!

Thanks again @LatsDoodis for all that wonderful knowledge!!

Re: cl0n yes, I’ve read the horror stories. Put me right off ever experimenting with them recreationally. Not f-ing worth it IMO. Anyway, if I did go the RC route, I probably wouldn’t get cl0n anyway, since IIRC it’s more likely to show up on UA testing. 8tiz for example is a thien0di@zepine, so it is likely easier to get away with. I’m talking about something I don’t really know anything about though(so excuse me if I sound ignorant). I’ve basically researched it just enough to know that it is a possible option, but that the risks/side effects are such that I should see if I can find something else that works first. 

As far as people on HPPD Reddit getting prescribed cl0n, it’s a mystery to me. I guess they live outside the US? Beats me. All I can tell you is that I’m pretty sure most of these folks are *definitely* not the types to be ordering RCs. Not the dominant voices in that sub anyway. These are folks that often sound like a D.A.R.E ad when they talk about drugs(L$D rots your brain, that kind of thing). I don’t judge them for it because I know from personal experience how HPPD can mess with your mind. Also these people are usually the ones who got HPPD from their first trip, so their dr*g knowledge is next to nonexistent, and their personal experience highly unrepresentative(i.e. they tend to assume that L$D destroys the mental health of everyone who uses it, and anyone claiming beneficial effects is delusional/brain damaged).

 

[LunaLovegood]

@DoomKitty I am definitely going to give agmatine a try. It’s inexpensive, seems to have few risks/downsides, and tbh the 0pi0id tolerance-lowering/potentiating effect is a pretty damn appealing bonus.  

 

[LunaLovegood]

Embarrassing brain fart alert! It was probably cl0n@z*epam* that people get prescribed for HPPD, not cl0n@z*olam*. I could swear I saw someone posting about cl0nazol@m. But it just doesn’t make sense, therefore my memory is probably faulty. 

 

[DoomKitty]

hahaha happens to all of us!! Cl0n@zep@m makes way more sense!

 

[Dissolve]

I read through your story and I feel for you. Unfortunately I can't help on r x advice but I certainly can sympathize. I've developed anxiety out of thin air over the last 6 months. No single reason or dramatic life changes but man, the brain is a powerful machine both with good and bad. I messed around with a lot if L$Dee, X tea Sea and Shhh rooms in the 90s. I'm lucky I'm not fired just from that!

Anyway, you're not alone and hopefully you'll find the path of what makes you feel whole again soon