I know Im an addict but still want to use

[Chefnik]

Hello DBG fam,

I have had a very long and tumultuous relationship with substances. I was 16 the first time I realized my drug use was a problem. At that time I did my first (short) stint in an inpatient rehab facility. It wasn't because I wanted to get clean, it was because I was worried of having my freedom as a teenager taken away. Im sure many people can relate to this.

Anyway, the next 13 years were a long show of addiction to hero!n, crystal, and really anything you can dissolve in water (or otherwise) , homelessness, going from institution to institution, alienating the people i loved... It was a disgusting mess. When you are a kid and they tell the overly dramatic stories of what will happen if you use drugs... That was me. It was very, very dark.

Fast forward to the age of 28, I had just moved home from another institution and happened to be working with a woman who's wallet I had stolen when I was strung out... Awkward at first.. But she forgave me and we became friends, then lovers, then we were married... Fast forward to now. We have been married 5 years, we have a young child and another on the way. I have been clean the majority of the time we were married and thats how she wants it.

Although I never want to go back to being the down and out junkie that I was before, I dont want to completely give up using. I feel like there are certain chemicals that truly improve my quality of life physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have RA and live in a lot of pain, i also have complications as a result of HCV that cause pain in all of the joints that the RA doesnt affect. I just dont want to give it up, sometimes even at the risk of losing my family.

I know I am new here and I hope I didnt overstep by telling this very personal story, but I wanted to know if there are other people who feel this way and what the rest of you think about the situation. I have been here long enough to see how helpful and caring most of you are.

 

[Solid Snoop]

I've never been as low as yourself mate but I'm kinda in the same boat.

Suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life. I thought it was normal. I heard benzos were a good tool to get off opiates so got some xannies.

I felt great for about a week on mg a day but that quickly escalated to poly benzo use at extreme doses.

I am now on a slow taper using clonaz and afterror a week I realised my anxiety was gone. I've dropped the dose 3 times now, probably too fast for some, but I feel better on this than anything else.

I don't get a buzz, I just take my dose and forget about it.

I don't want to quit altogether but know it's the right thing to do. Even long term small doses of this stuff is poison so I am going to quit.

It will be on my terms however and if I need to stay at a certain dose for months to stop withdrawals then I will. No interfering doctor who thinks a 4 week taper is a month. I'm in this for the long haul.

I was going to reply to you saying "stay on it if that's what you want" but you have a kid. That child does not deserve to do without, not have your full attention due to being under the influence etc. Find a dose that takes the edge off and stick at that. If it gives you a buzz and you have been on it long term you are taking too much to be the great father you know you can be.

Just my humble opinion.

Stay safe and good luck!

 

[Chefnik]

I was hoping you would see this and respond, Snoop. I have been following your posts and they are actually what inspired me to make the post in the first place.

I guess that is ultimately what I am looking for, to find dosage that works for me without ever threatening to put me back where I had been before. Some would say that ANY use is enough to put me back, but during the times i was completely abstinent I felt so wrong. I had homocidal/suicidal ideation and wondered if i would ever feel normal again. 

I hope that everything you are working towards is going well and know that I am sending a lot of good intention and good vibes your way

 

[Solid Snoop]

You have 3 choices and I think there is an obvious one at this stage in your life:

1. Stop all meds and suffer hard all the time, even risk your life depending on what meds you regularly take. You will be a mes, a shit husband and a useless dad. You are better than that and you have proven that by starting this thread.

2. Continue to escalate use and dosage, start chasing the high that will never come (as an addict you know that but we all do it) and again be a shit dad. You can maybe be pain free but if you are out your face you are pretty useless and going backwards.

3. Try slowly dropping your dosage to a therapeutic and affordable level, live in semi comfort (chronic pain should be reduced by meds, not negated) and be the man you know you can be. Once you have dropped and the fog lifts from your head life will seem so much better. Take a few pills a day, so what. They can be your crutch. Don't see them as the meds that get you high etc. Treat them like multi vitamins that you have to take at certain  times. That grip on you slowly goes away when in that mindset.

I'm sure there are plenty of other scenarios but I like option 3. It's entirely up to you on how you move forward but I think you know how you want to play this.

Thank you for the positive vibes, sending my own right back at ya.

 

[blissopifree 2]

I myself have had a "love affair" with opiates for around 25yrs and it has definitely effected my life in bad ways.However ive held down a F/T job throughout but it's my chances of family and better job opportunities that have suffered the most and of course the hurt it's caused my own immediate family to see what I could've had.Ive had a few longterm relationships where I have been clean for the most part but my slip ups have ended them.When I have been clean I found my life boring as when your using street opiates any spare time is used either consuming or hunting them.Ive done the rapid detox thing twice and residential rehab twice but as you say @Chefnik it was done for loved ones rather than myself in reality and unless your 100% committed for yourself it won't work.Im on a low dose of m/done at the moment (25mls) and I REALLY think this time in getting too sick and tired of being sick and tired!.So I feel I can do it this time as at my age it's getting SO TIRESOME and times is running out to get clean and find a new partner to spend my life with.Good luck in your fight and hopefully you'll crack it this time @Chefnik (no pun intended) please think of what you maybe throwing away "your family" and god knows the family must be worth doing it for.

P's good luck to anyone fighting the good fight of addiction,be strong and take one day at a time is the best advice I can give.Also if you do (slip up) don't be too hard on yourselves as that's when the guilt can make you use more to cover the guilt you feel as whatever your drug of choice is you use it as your coping mechanism . Basically it turns back into the roundabout that gets so hard to hop off.But it's possible  (well I certainly hope it is anyway! )..

Peace 

Bliss......

 

[Chefnik]

I cant tell you both enough how much it means to me for both of you to take the time to give your thoughts on this. 

@blissopifree 2 your story sounds similar to mine, I have been lucky enough to have found someone who loved me through my addiction and was willing to help me instead of just dropping me when i was struggling. Its kind of funny (in a sad way), the way we met was I stole her wallet when I was strung out, but didnt do any damage to her financially and when i got back from Tx i sincerely apologized and she let me know she was there for me. The rest is history... That is a story for another time anyway... But anyway, its difficult because of what @Solid Snoop said; I am a terrible husband and father strung out but I am also a pretty bad one when im in pain and sober. So its a tough one.

@Solid Snoop again, you seemed to hit the nail on the head. You clearly understand where I am coming from. I noticed in your thread that you had some assistance from a doc. At the moment I dont have a very good doc that I have known for a long time, do you think this is something I should seek out?

 

[Solid Snoop]

Only seek out a doc if you are committed to quitting 100%. If you aren't then it's very likely they will lower your dose to an unbearable amount, do a fast taper and note you down as a potential addict.

I was a bit harsh in my last post calling you a terrible father. You aren't as you care enough to question your drug use. I was in a terrible mood as I had just had a slip up of my own. I'm on a strict taper using Clon@z (I would need to eat 200 tabs a day of diaz to use that just now) and I ended up taking a large amount of xannies which is my problem drug. I hadn't slept for days, sleepers weren't helping, anti histamines weren't doing anything so I popped A LOT of x@ns. I was really hard on myself but a friend reassured me that slip ups are part of the recovery process and we are only human.

You are not a bad dad or husband (unless you choose drugs over them which I feel you dont). You are a normal guy with a bit of a love/problem from meds and know you need to cut down. 

I don't know your meds, dosages etc but the best advice I can give is to slowly taper down over the course of months, not weeks. Small drops every week or 2 until you find the sweet spot between a total zoned out bum and getting the required effect from the meds you take.

Again though, I really would not seek a doctors help unless this is life threatening. I did as my doc grossly over prescribed me benzos and I could have a case to take him to court. I'm not going to though as got a new doc who believes it's not my fault and he helps me with my many issues.

You have a young family, like myself, and need to do right by them. You also need to do the right thing for you though as if you are extremely unhappy that will rub off on them.

Stay safe however you decide to proceed and feel free to drop me a message should you need some moral support ? @Chefnik

 

[blissopifree 2]

@mandraxx your do right about the sub/done treatment. @Chefnik don't beat yourself up too much and PLEASE try and think of all the posatives you have at the moment compaired to the times when your using daily.Mmt really can help LOADS when your life is so hectic due to heavy drug use,but unless your life is unfurling I'd avoid a maintenance situation.I,ve lost relationships through my selfishness when I've used even though I didn't need or have to?.

All the best to anyone fighting the good fight, especially the members who ive come to know here,Stay strong ???.

Peace 

Bliss.....

 

[Chefnik]

@mandraxx thanks for the kind words. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I have had slips that hurt my emotional well being more than my sobriety quite a few times. Its very easy to let the slips spiral out of control.

Im not prescribed pain meds but I live in pain. Im actually having a flare up right now that makes typing difficult and making a fist impossible. My doctors have been afraid to treat my pain at all because of my history.

@blissopifree 2 thank you so much for all the love. I cant tell you what it means to me. That goes for all of you

 

[Chefnik]

I just wanted to shout yall out @blissopifree 2 @mandraxx and @Solid Snoop

I had a lot of time today to think about what you all have said and the advice you have given and i hopefully will be able to apply the perspective i have gained. I hope this is ok. I was just thinking about all of you.

 

[blissopifree 2]

I just wanted to shout yall out @blissopifree 2 @mandraxx and @Solid Snoop

I had a lot of time today to think about what you all have said and the advice you have given and i hopefully will be able to apply the perspective i have gained. I hope this is ok. I was just thinking about all of you.

@Chefnik I'm glad you've come to the conclusion you have.I know if your living in pain and there's nothing worse, but PLEASE take your family situation into account.You seem to have found the love and support of a great relationship which in itself can be stronger  than any med especially emotionally.If in the end if your doc decides you do need strong pain meds PLEASE think carefully about what could happen in the BIG picture . Obviously I don't know your situation medically but I have been in similar situations in the past that have ended badly.Please be careful with your (slip-ups) as you well know it's a VERY slim line between a slip up and full blown addiction when you've been hooked on  opiates in the past.Take hope and strength from your loved ones is the best advice I can give you my friend ..

Peace 

Bliss.....

 

[Solid Snoop]

As Bliss will tell you, I had a "slip up" in October.

I went from 30mg of diaz a day to 20mg+ of xanax and nearly lost my mind, family, job and even my life. All I wanted was some relief from panic attacks so bought some bars. I ended up putting  that much in my mouth that I had to chew them. Within weeks I couldn't even feel them anymore.

I was 1 day from running out completely. That's not going to be a shitty withdrawal, that's enough to kill you. Thankfully a good friend sent me a few bars to see me through until my order of Clonaz arrived. I am still thankful to this day that I am still here.

Therapeutic use is fine if required but "slip ups" when you have a family, it's not acceptable. I sound harsh but that's because I've been there multiple times. I was ashamed one day I missed the school run as I munched some xannies for lunch and slept through an alarm. My poor girl was sitting in the school office for an hour as my partner works far from home. That took a hell of a long time to make up to both of them.

Family first. This sounds rough but your daughter doesn't care if you have an addiction, are in pain, depressed etc. She needs fed, loved, cared for and your issues CANNOT get in the way of that full stop.

I always sound harsh but like I said, got the badges and scars. I am writing to you because I care. We all want to see you in a better place.

Much love sent your way mate. 

 

[blissopifree 2]

As Bliss will tell you, I had a "slip up" in October.

I went from 30mg of diaz a day to 20mg+ of xanax and nearly lost my mind, family, job and even my life. All I wanted was some relief from panic attacks so bought some bars. I ended up putting  that much in my mouth that I had to chew them. Within weeks I couldn't even feel them anymore.

I was 1 day from running out completely. That's not going to be a shitty withdrawal, that's enough to kill you. Thankfully a good friend sent me a few bars to see me through until my order of Clonaz arrived. I am still thankful to this day that I am still here.

Therapeutic use is fine if required but "slip ups" when you have a family, it's not acceptable. I sound harsh but that's because I've been there multiple times. I was ashamed one day I missed the school run as I munched some xannies for lunch and slept through an alarm. My poor girl was sitting in the school office for an hour as my partner works far from home. That took a hell of a long time to make up to both of them.

Family first. This sounds rough but your daughter doesn't care if you have an addiction, are in pain, depressed etc. She needs fed, loved, cared for and your issues CANNOT get in the way of that full stop.

I always sound harsh but like I said, got the badges and scars. I am writing to you because I care. We all want to see you in a better place.

Much love sent your way mate. 

Here here @Solid Snoop I like yourself have screwed up more times than I care to recall.As solid said he was in a VERY bad place not so long ago and with his family and docs support he is doing VERY well.Im sure solid will admit that without the support of his family and doc god only knows how he'd be now.Its true Solid was taking copious amounts of meds daily and was in self destruct mode,btw I hope you don't mind me mentioning this solid brother?.But in your situation. Solid if you can get it under control with pills anyone can!. @Chefnik I hope you have the willpower to try and take the not so easy way out as in the long run the other route is totally self destructive and I hope and pray you will get there with the support of members here but most of all with the people close to you who obviously love you loads.Hang on to them for dear life as they will be there for you EVERY step of the way by the sounds of it.

Not many females would be able to trust you after stealing from them,she most certainly seems to be a keeper and your child as they only ever see the good in people.Try and stay strong and make them proud friend....

Peace 

Bliss......

 

[Solid Snoop]

Not at all @blissopifree 2 , sharing is caring and all that. I was sure I was going to die and I think Bliss can back me up when I say if I went CT, I wouldn't be here today.

I've buried that "Fuck It" button deep down inside. If it rears it's ugly head then it will get kicked back into place before I push it!

 

[blissopifree 2]

Not at all @blissopifree 2 , sharing is caring and all that. I was sure I was going to die and I think Bliss can back me up when I say if I went CT, I wouldn't be here today.

I've buried that "Fuck It" button deep down inside. If it rears it's ugly head then it will get kicked back into place before I push it!

I can back up solids quote 100%,but your in a MUCH better place these days!!.

So more power to you my friend??.

Peace 

Bliss 

 

[US Army Veteran]

I want to use everyday but I've gotten my addiction under control. I still use and drink but I was completely clean for years. I only use on occasion now. I'll always use probably  but I always hope I'll never get out of control again.

 

[PTFC]

I want to use everyday but I've gotten my addiction under control. I still use and drink but I was completely clean for years. I only use on occasion now. I'll always use probably  but I always hope I'll never get out of control again.

Stability is key. If you feel the need you can reduce after that. Perhaps it may help to consider yourself dependent rather than addicted?

 

[US Army Veteran]

Stability is key. If you feel the need you can reduce after that. Perhaps it may help to consider yourself dependent rather than addicted?

@PTFC. Thanks for that. That's a good way of looking at it. Years ago I was completely out of control. I sought out some help and was told I had a problem and I was an addict. I was dealing with issues and was self-medicating. After I dealt with those issues on life terms I no longer HAVE to use. I use in moderation because I choose to not because I HAVE to. I like that. Dependent seems to fit better!

Plus half the time or that I "USE" it's because I actually feel I need the meds not because I wanna abuse them. But don't get me wrong there are times when I do things to have a little "fun." If you know what I mean.

Thanks again!

 

[Def_Starr]

i too am addicted , and i dont see me stopping anytime, as long as  i know if i take one thing along with another substance, to take half of the other, i am also hooked on stimulants, so i am always on a roller coaster ride with benzos and energy drinks, pre work mixes from the vitamin shoppe, street level pure raw C, which i pray day to day to never relapse into 2-3-4 times a week,  if relapse it better be one baggie and than get back on track, cause i just got off 1month ago , 1month 2 1/2 weeks clean from my C binge , i never experienced the crash cause i always had my fluids and supplements, 

we all screw up, dont feel bad , make good choices, eat healthy, exercise, drink good fluids EX: since i like to take x@nx and klonopin togather but spaced out i make sure to drink water, mineral water, cucumbers cut up into water, cranberry juice

supplements for liver and kidney support :milk thistle, nac, and some other thing i forgot for the kidneys, since these chemicals break down in those major organs, 

also try to exercise and sweat it out, control your doses 

i am no better in the winter, i like to sip sizzurp take a benzo( xanax and valium or xanax and klonopin) and depending on pain level i may take a flexeril spread out during my 10hr shift work (WORK SUCKS I DONT CARE IF I GOTTA BE TREATED LIKE SHIT IMA TAKE THE VERBAL FEEDBACK AND MICROMANAGEMENT UNDER ZOMBIE MODE)

, so yeah i dont regret anything except fooling with that street level substance C, to each there own, i tend to slip but i catch myself, 

best of luck , just dont be a wreck like me and be a mess and mix and match, i do it but its only under high stress situations like if i have to work 2weeks straight 12 hour shifts and my body aches and i am tired and irritated than hell yeah i am gonna take 3 different benzos spaced out during the day, whatever gets me through a shit day at work, fkin MONEY AINT EASY, and HARD WORK AND MICROMANAGEMENT is what causes drug addiction

if i can sue a company for causing me to fall into addiction to escape the b.s and micromanagement to the tiniest dot, i wouldn't be hooked, its to late for me to quit and start over with a new job, 

so start now and try to tapper down, hang around positive ppl, know what to take, keep busy ,eat right and exercise right, and your liver and major organs wont go through harshness, also soak in epsom salt if you dont got a beach to swim or soak in the ocean, it helped me allot when i had to tapper down, salt water makes me feel good for days and i notice my doses dont need to be so high after a beach session, salt water (OCEAN, BEACH) is a natural cleanser 

 btw i relapsed yesterday, flushed the other half of the baggie today, did 1hr cardio, i feel guilty but it happens, i cant blame no one but myself !