I know Im an addict but still want to use

[US Army Veteran]

i too am addicted , and i dont see me stopping anytime, as long as  i know if i take one thing along with another substance, to take half of the other, i am also hooked on stimulants, so i am always on a roller coaster ride with benzos and energy drinks, pre work mixes from the vitamin shoppe, street level pure raw C, which i pray day to day to never relapse into 2-3-4 times a week, i if relapse it better be one baggie and than get back on track, 

we all screw up, dont feel bad , make good choices, eat healthy, exercise, drink good fluids EX: since i like to take x@nx and klonopin togather but spaced out i make sure to drink water, mineral water, cucumbers cut up into water, cranberry juice

supplements for liver and kidney support :milk thistle, nac, and some other thing i forgot for the kidneys, since these chemicals break down in those major organs, 

also try to exercise and sweat it out, control your doses 

i am no better in the winter, i like to sip sizzurp take a benzo( xanax and valium or xanax and klonopin) and depending on pain level i may take a flexeril spread out during my 10hr shift work (WORK SUCKS I DONT CARE IF I GOTTA BE TREATED LIKE SHIT IMA TAKE THE VERBAL FEEDBACK AND MICROMANAGEMENT UNDER ZOMBIE MODE)

, so yeah i dont regret anything except fooling with that street level substance C, to each there own, i tend to slip but i catch myself, 

best of luck 

I too tend to catch myself. I guess that's another way of putting it. I can go a while taking meds as a doctor would prescribe but eventually run off course but I do catch my self.

ive learned so much about my self in this forum lol. And about many other things.

 

[Def_Starr]

I too tend to catch myself. I guess that's another way of putting it. I can go a while taking meds as a doctor would prescribe but eventually run off course but I do catch my self.

ive learned so much about my self in this forum lol. And about many other things.

the  thing i see that makes us feel guilty because you think your  a bad person by taking these substances for your medical condition, than you end up googling it and read about side effects, or the b.s MEDIA(NEWS AND ALL THE B.S OVERDOSES) but if dont mess with H or C and keep your doses low , dont feel bad, doctors dont even know either which benzo work either, they are textbook doctors, i know long acting benzos work better than short quick acting, but if i was to tell my doctor to write me a script of klonopin, he would be like "WHO ARE U TO TELL ME, I AM THE DOCTOR" cocky ass doctors 

 

[US Army Veteran]

the  thing i see that makes us feel guilty because you think your  a bad person by taking these substances for your medical condition, than you end up googling it and read about side effects, or the b.s MEDIA(NEWS AND ALL THE B.S OVERDOSES) but if dont mess with H or C and keep your doses low , dont feel bad, doctors dont even know either which benzo work either, they are textbook doctors, i know long acting benzos work better than short quick acting, but if i was to tell my doctor to write me a script of klonopin, he would be like "WHO ARE U TO TELL ME, I AM THE DOCTOR" cocky ass doctors 

Yea tell me about it. I like klonopin for the long effects but also Xanax if I need it to kick in faster. But don't tell a doctor that lol.

 

[PTFC]

Stay strong @Def_Starr,my main MAN!!!!! Again, stability, but it's difficult if your taking stress home from work I understand. Any word of a new line of work, have you been looking, if not, get moving Bro!!!! It's good to be happy at work, even of its only sometimes! ☺ 

 

[Def_Starr]

thanks @PTFC, wheni feel i did something bad :/  , i make sure the workouts are twice ass brutal , its those damn energy drinks they are not strong enough!!!!! I NEED AHHHHHH cause im so tired at work that when i want to go to the gym during the week afte work its sad, but weekend MONSTER MODE ! ! ! :/ 

 

[aintnouse]

@Def_Starr   That was a couple of great posts....   I used to have access to the best C at ridiculously low prices.   If I told you how cheap it was, you wouldnt believe me.   I had a scare not to long ago so I stopped it completely.  It was my go to for making it through a 12 hour day.  I never took so much to get a good buzz, but enough to keep me working and focused.  In a lot of ways I am glad I had the scare, cuz it took that out of my life.   The C is very seductive and I had a long relationship with her, but its over.

Your couple of post were spot on and brilliant.   Glad to see you flushed it too....that takes alot of strength and shows that you are on the right path.  Everyone is addicted to something....Food, Drugs, Drink, Pills, Shopping or whatever......its maintaining balance that is the key and it sounds like you have a great recipe for it.  Kudos to you!!

 

[PTFC]

@aintnouse, balance/stability,  it's what I and many of us strive for, absolutely bang on!

 

[scottntexas]

Well, if you're a real addict you will know it soon enough because the disease is progressive and there are no exceptions. It's always possible that you're just a controlled user and have not truly crossed over to the miserable life of addiction. There's nothing wrong with going to a few NA or AA meetings just to sit in and let the group know you're not sure of your status. Nobody there is going to judge you or diagnose you, that's for you to figure out. It never hurts to meet some others who are walking in your shoes and who can relate to your feelings. Good luck

 

[US Army Veteran]

Yea NA helps I liked AA better. But though this site I don't think I'm an addict. I don't have have to use I chose to use on occasion. But I do take meds almost daily I use to abuse 5 years ago daily without problems of overusing.

 

[jammass]

I know the last post in this thread is a month old but believe me when I say I know where you are coming from from the age of 12 I abused substances to escape my s**t life and I got as bad as you did homeless, living in C houses with other users, bad bad peopl and just down and out. I realised I was an addict to H at 17 after the inhalants, L**, raving with miss doves, obey then as I say I n came the H and C and I got on a MMT at 19 and am still on one now at 40 all I want to say is I know where you have been.

I also live in pain I have very bad nerve damage from my Roa with H and C I have a very bad back and neck from an abscess on my spine from bacteria getting into my femoral and caused an abscess to press on my spinal chord leading to emergency surgery telling me I was never gonna walk again. Then last year in August my Brother od'd on Red Devil Dannie's then his Mum couldn't take it and threw herself from my bedroom window and died 12 days later if ever I wanted to use it was then. I know I am still on MMT but to be honest I do not want to rock the boat and reduce it, even though my drug worker wants me to my Doc finally gave in and prescribed me 15mg if Diazepam a day but I need to top up because I think I would go mad if I didn't.

please take heed of the advice you have been given I was 2 years clean from hard drugs when this kicked off with my 27 years old beautiful brother who I miss and crave everyday but I know that using will kill both my physical and emotional pain it will also pour more misery on top of what I already have and I don't have the energy to control it so I know I would be out of control. Don't get me wrong twice I have used a snow**** and I regretted every minute I felt brilliant them two days but after even after two years drug free I felt it the next day the monster creeping in. Take option 3 if your in pain go see pain management if they give you an opiate as has been said use it as it is meant for to ease not negate your pain you are not failing you are entitled to be treat as a human and your Doc has a duty of care to help you live a life of not being in constant cravings to rid yourself of pain. Mindset is everything and the way you use Meds is the way they treat you if your offered a med you know will take you back and away from your devoted wife and child avoid it but try. If you need a med you need it addict or not. I have had my crazy week or so with Vit V but I dust myself off and get back on track and talk is my big thing because when you talk to people in the same situation or has been there you find we are all the same and we help each other you are not alone in all of this.

 I do not know if any of this has made sense or helped but I hope sharing my pain and the way we cover it up has helped but use the mind it's our most powerful tool but if it needs some help then get we are human and as everyone has said here for you as a fellow addict going through life and sometimes thinking AHHHH is it worth it what do I do but it is I just heard today a guy who is 6 years younger than me and also a fellow addict died yesterday from sceptacemia so is it worth demand a good Doc and lean on fellow positive realistic addicts with good advice not list causes because they are out there.

Good luck and look at your child everyday and think of the gamble also post on here even if you wanna scream live from a fellow user who knows what you are going through in my own pain ???

 

[Dr-Octagon]

 sharing my pain and the way we cover it up has helped but use the mind it's our most powerful tool but if it needs some help then get we are human and as everyone has said here for you as a fellow addict going through life

"The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel " ( n.a. basic text)

 

[jammass]

@Dr-Octagon I could not agree more when I get a drug worker who has never touched a substance in their lives and think giving up smoking validated them to work with addicts then F**K you what qualifications have you got that are gonna help me from some text book written by a psychologist but watered down for the lay man and even the psychologist who wrote knows nothing I want a hardcore been there got twenty uniforms and dragged themselves kicking and screaming from the void of hell that is addiction. Also when will this massive worldwide problem be treated as a medical problem not a criminal one. Treat the big men i.e. Escobar, El Chapo as the major criminals they are but a lowly addict who is using because they have taken a substance that they knew nothing about the power it would have on their minds nod and ravage their body, because nobody knows that is gonna happen why would you get that low on purpose if you would you need locking up in a way psych ward for your own safety, we are not criminals we are seeking out relief from a monster that has changed our body and minds forever and if we need to be tranquilized, not saying everyone does but some do as they can not cope with the chemical changes that have taken place, then why not I would rather take 60mg of Diazepam a day and a sleeper at night than go out seeking H and C and wrecking every vein in my body crying when it blocks and you can't get on your last penny come on world get with it. Instead of politics demanding change involve the people it is affecting the addicts see how they want to be treated as human beings who are lost and in massive amounts of pain.

However, if they make it a health issue it will cost more money as for one mental health will have to be involved and they can not deal with patients who are not on drugs never mind all of the addicts, they will have to use drugs that could make us feel good but would be pure and correct not risking fake or spiked pills and gear, causes deaths big time again will not admit it, we need a total overhaul of this so called war on drugs that has failed, not failing NIXON you did us a great favour, they need to involve addicts to get a perspective on what we need HELP and understanding.  We are not the lowest of the low scum when we are treated correctly and sorted out mentally and physically we are actually nice and descent people but rather than admit defeat they will just make more laws stop more supply and create more problems wake up.

LOL sorry for the rant all you did was quote me but do you agree or am I talking crap!!

 

[Dr-Octagon]

We refer to those type of treatment workers as "lanyard-monkeys.  Its rare u find a counselor or behavioral health tech who truly "gets it" or even comprehends the  difference between sympatgy and empathy 

 

[US Army Veteran]

I've learned to go to a friends house for a weekend use then leave and go back to normal life. I cannot use everyday or I'd be death or in jail.

 

[PTFC]

Beautifully written @jammass, you're an inspiration. 

 

[rockytop]

We refer to those type of treatment workers as "lanyard-monkeys.  Its rare u find a counselor or behavioral health tech who truly "gets it" or even comprehends the  difference between sympatgy and empathy 

That's a really good point.  Well spoken.

 

[Meowtown]

Reading the comments on this topic has comforted me.

About a decade ago, came off a gnarly alpzlm addixtion then couple years later a bad etizlm addctn. The etiz was far worse but I was also going thru two 500mg bottles w the PG clear solutions sublingual a day

My partner told me they would no longer be around if I went thru anymore addictions I put my family thru hell and even had grand mals on vacation and embarrassed my family.

A lot has changed since for me, in great ways. I have found a personal supplier for ten mg perkies but at one dollar a mg spending hundreds a month isn' too good esp when I seem to go thru them in four days. I don' touch benzos anymore and even when they are around, I don't want them. The bad memories I had w them makes me physically sick just thinking about them

But I have a neurological disorder where diazepam is helpful but to me the opioids help me daily. If I could find a way to only have one when I wake up and maybe one mid afternoon I'd be greatful but my issue is when something is good I want it all and now. I have a hard time telling myself no. 

My partner thinks I get a couple every now and then because I lie about them but its impossible to be completely sober. My muscles ache and my body hurts and doctors just think I am pill shopping. I don' even ask for medicine its like they hear you say you have pain and immediately think youre seeking.