Recently widowed

[Handsley]

My husband died very suddenly a few months ago from a heart attack.  He was in his early 50s.  I have a teenager at home.  We are completely and totally devastated.  It's been very difficult.  Has anyone else been in this situation?  Both of us have seen 2 separate counselors and agree that we feel worse every time we go so we are going to take a break from that.  I would just like some really concrete specific advice from someone who has been there before I have.  I am not sure how to go on with the rest of my life or how to figure out what I really want from here on out.   Any input from fellow widow/widowers would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Flameimp]

Hi. I'm sorry for your loss.  I haven't been in the same situation, but I have dealt with loss. Try to find a grief support group and/or class. There you will find people in similar situations and in a class you will hear good suggestions on how to cope, that a lot of behaviors you are exhibiting are normal, etc.  This is especially important because the holiday season is upon us. A good starting place to find a class would be at a local hospice. Again, I'm very sorry for you loss. Take care! 

 

[PTFC]

@Handsley, some good advice from @Flameimp. I lost my fiancée very suddenly just over 10 years ago, she took her own life. I tried counselling and I remember that it was explicitly mentioned that I may feel worse before I felt any benefit never mind feeling "better". I found it as devastating as the loss as if it was amplifying it. It's almost a cliché, but all in all, I've found time is the only healer, along with support from family and friends (real good proper friends). I mentioned in another post I don't have much of a temper, or at least I do have a long fuse anyway. Anger is quick like a burst of flame or an explosion, but grief is like lava, still amazingly hot but slow moving and takes forever to cool. I feel it every day still, though it's "cooler", I found trying to get back into some normality was the only option for me, I had a few weeks off work, and decided to return, it was incredibly difficult for reasons I will happily discuss privately if you wish. But I knew if I didn't return, I never would. You will both heal inside in time, though not fully. I feel for you both so much. My condolences to you and to you also @Flameimp

 

[Handsley]

@PTFC and @Flameimp, thank you for the sympathy and my condolences to you both.  @PTFC, I love your lava analogy.  That is exactly what it feels like.  Now at 9 months, I am only starting to feel on my feet again, laughing and starting to do more things and starting to get used to things.  I am past the angry stage and sort of coming out of the guilt and depression.    Just living to help the kid now and he's doing okay.  Not super great, but okay.  It could be a lot worse.It would be nice if there was a family member left who was an older male that he could talk to or someone to show him dad things.  But when we need to learn a dad thing, I look it up on YouTube and someone has made a video about it.

 

[Flameimp]

@PTFC thanks for the acknowlegement and I think returning was very wise and in hindsight, wish I would have done the same. The deeper you sink into the quicksand, the harder it is to get out. @Handsley , you're welcome. I can't say that grief classes made me feel any less sad, just helped me to realise my behaviour was normal and that I wasn't the only one hurting from loss. There is no magic timeframe, but it does get better. As @PTFC said, I don't think you ever heal fully either, sorry to say.  Meantime, one foot in front of the other, and to paraphrase @PTFC-normalcy is critical, as best you can. 

 

[whtstarion]

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died of an accidental overdose 2 years ago. We have a six year old who barely remembers him. I wish I had some magical advice for you. Just when you think you can't go on, suddenly you realize a week, a month, etc. has passed. Living for your child may not seem fair, but anything that gives you the strength to breathe is enough of a reason. Time doesn't heal, but it does scar and numb. Amazingly, you will begin to feel hopeful again and find a new role in this life. That somehow just happens. Support groups didn't work for me because it felt like ripping the band aid off every time. You do what you need to to persevere. There is no wrong, there is no time limit. No judgement. This is your journey. My thoughts are with you.