Rehab,methadone,stay\go

[InLoveWithBenny]

OK, we've all seen em-call for a free referral to rehab and with private insurance you could pay no out of pocket expenses and whether it be you don't have an addiction (and let's be honest, most people here have had some sort of addiction at some time or they're headed that way, IMO-DISAGREE?-Then why are you risking years in jail for illegal medication or products if not by the law themselves but through breaking the law to get whatever it is. NO ONE gets on here for Advil then has it shipped through the mail b.y someone you don't know which is another offense-Really? Anyway., I didn't write to bash those that could admit that fact or not....I wrote BC I need advice bc while currently if I'm honest even I try and dodge the label by saying both narcotics I take-methadone and zans- I justify my. Use through legal scripts but if I'm honest, I wouldn't even b.e on methadone still and I wouldn't be getting extra x@ns from newhere if I weren't still battling addiction. Quick run down, started on low level opiates (well, technically pot, which addict or not I still believe is less dangerous than cigs and alcohol and don't cause much if any addiction so will never consider a "drug" in the it's dangerous and should be illegal anywhere sense) anyway, l0rt@b quickly became o. C the heroin IV and landed me at the methadone clinic-plus a script of x@n$ BC of personal family trouble. 

I've called several of those tv ads and maybe I'm naive but seem legit and I supposedly can go to CA to get off both. My big thing is a two year old and elderly parents. My parents say all the time to see me completely free of all substances they can die happy and even though I have two kids of my own and am married am still very close to them and have let them down a lot and want to do what I can to fix it. I can't go back but I can change the future for the better. On top of health decline on my part that fits to a T the effects of long term methadone use the financial burden it puts on my family is hard and I stay miserable but I'm scared to come off it for many reasons however I also know if I am going to be a better mother and daughter, finish college, have the family relationships I want and a lot of other things I have to get off this stuff. But, Ive read so many horror stories of coming off methadone and my actual "detox" only lasts 5-10 days then rehab for 30-45 but it's literally on the other side of the country and I am the paranoid type. The "what if" side of me keeps me from doing a lot of things. Im afraid my youngest daughter will forget me or we will lose the bond we have. She is like a growth on me a new believe it or not, I like it that way BC for reasons I don't care to discuss my son was never and never will be like that and we will never connect on that level. So I know my husband supports me and I know my son won't really miss the fact I am gone but the thought of leaving my parents that something could happen to anytime and particularly my daughter that is at an age where 2 months is a very long time I just lay awake at night crying and thinking, "Stay and possibly lose our bond anyway BC of the drugs and continue to spend over $7000 a year on methadone and another $7000 on z@ns which strains my marriage or go and risk missing something I can't get back or not forgive myself for not being there for?" Plus there's the WD from both meds at the same time and IDK if I am strong enough mentally to tolerate that pain without seeing my kids and fwmily. IDK WHAT TO DO, IF YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE DETOXING FROM METHADONE FAST - btw I'm on 105 mgs- Going away for that long with young children or any info you think may help I'd really appreciate it. Ever since I told my family I was going to do this they've been so happy and ai don't want to disappoint them but I just don't know if I can mentally or physically handle it. 

I know this probably belongs in the kratom forum but since it related to my other questions thought it'd be OK to include it here....I've heard it can help with withdrawal, can it and if so what kind, never even done it, any type so know nothing about it and do you think a rehab would allow it? Also, trying to reduce my methadone level at home before I go, if I do, so besides kratom, any other legal OTC or easy to get things to help with withdrawal? What about marijuana? If so I was a stoner in the day but tbh I never got into this kind of that just as long as it delivered so if I wanna order some medical before so go to help with withdrawal and keep me home a lil longer and get me on a lower dose same as the kratom except I've used it a lot what particular type should I get and who should aim contact for that kind? Thanks for the help and PMS welcome.

 

[InLoveWithBenny]

*∆I know it's long but REALLY need help here people, were supposed to help each other N I am in serious need of help and opinions, please take a few minutes and respond. 

Also, I know a few sentences don't make sense, thank you auto-correct!-But you should get the drift. Need answers fast or I'll lose my spot!

 

[InLoveWithBenny]

Mods may delete my first post although I wish they wouldn't for the few willing to read it all but I am going to try my best to condense here in hopes of more replies...Trying to make this decision with only input from people who've never been where I am is quickly heading me toward a mental hospital quicker than a rehab!

Here it goes. 

Was addicted to opiates for years and it landed me at a methadone clinic. I swore when I went in that Id be there two years tops, that was 8 years ago. Now Ive found an up-scale rehab I can go to totally paid for, plane tickets and all! (looks more like a spa than the rehabs I've been to-AND THEY WERE VERY SUCCESFUL, THUS WHY i AM HAVING TO CONTIMPLATE GOING AGAIN! :-l) However, when I went to rehab before it wa just me and my husband and my parents were younger and healthier. Now I have two kids and my parents are older and not in such good health and I am an only child so I have a very close bond with them and dont want to disappoint them again. I've heard, "If we could see you totally off all drugs before we die we could die happy!" and even though the meds I take technically are legal- I am on methadone from a clinic and I get a script of x@ns but I order extra and buy extra done. So still addicted., just to different drugs. 

My fears are this: 1)Something happens to my parent(s) while I am gone and I dont get to say goodbye bc I am literally on the other side of the country. 2) My two year old forgets me or I lose my bond with her. She is like a growth on me right now, has been since day 1 and I like it like that bc for reasons I'd rather not discuss I just never got to form that bond with my son and I never will. He's very ill, that's all I will say but in a way that makes him pretty obvlivious to time and whos around or how long their gone and I prayed and prayed for another child bc I wasnt supposed to be able to have children to begin with and I got my daughter so the fact she is like a growth is happinesss to me! If I came back and she has forgotten me or lost that bond it would destroy me. And she is two, she is at that age where two months is a LONG time to her and she has a lot of changes. For example she is a late talker, what if miss her first words? Skype just isn't the same! 3)Unlike rehabs here or near home I cant see my family the whole time and I've heard nothing but HORROR stories about coming off methadone and the legnth of time it takes and my "detox" period is only 5-10 days! From what I've heard that's when its just really getting started and I dont know what they give me after "detox", Advil? Yea, that'll do a whole lot!! So, without my family there to see in person and help me fight I dont know if I am mentally or physically able to handle that bad of WD without them and I dont want to go across the country to fail! (Plus, Im not sure but Im assuming if I dont complete the program and leave AMA that my insurance will not cover it and I cant afford to pay for even a day in a place like that!)

There's a lot, I mean A LOT more but that's the biggies, so if you were in my shoes would you go to the rehab or stay home. Just a few examples of the "other things" I speak of, I spend between the methadone and x@ns, legal and illegal, about $14,000/yr...we're not rich and need a wheelchair accessible van desperately but my adiction has destroyed our credit, emptied our savings, and if I continue to use them at this rate , even just the legal ones, we couldnt afford the payments even if we managed to get a loan. All that financial stress puts stress on my marriage and other things. I could write a book on what all this addiction, even after going to the methadone clinic-just because it's legal doesn't mean it isnt an addiction-has done to me. And, while I definitely have SEVERE anxiety and agoraphobia and IDK if I can live without it and DONT really want to detox off it it's al or nothing in any detox and when I come home if I go right back on it I could end up right back where I am now, I know how it starts, "Just one won't hurt." then bang! you go from that to before you know it, sick as a dog if you dont have any and back addictd to it and thats the last thing I want bc it's probably caused me more marital issues than the methadone even though I am more addicted to the opiates.  

My family has been happier than I've seen them in YEARS since I told them I was going to do this but I know if I go and dont complete it it will destroy them and I dont know if I have it in me. I want it! It's not that, Im just not strong willed. 

Also, I am on 105 mgs if that helps anyone gauge what I am looking at. And, I know NOTHING about kratom  and although I've smoked A LOT of weed I Never learned which one perks you up, puts you to sleep, helps pain, etc.  and I am trying to reduce my dosage at home as much as possible before I go , if I go, so would either of those help and if so which ones, need specific names. and who to contact to get them or at least where to go to find the info.  But mostly I need inspiration and opinions so anyone that can help with their stories of coming off methadone successfully, particularly if they did it basically cold-turkey it'd be much appreciated. I'M BEGGING FOR HELP HERE PEOLE, PLEASE HELP ME DECIDEWHAT TODO! i'D INCLUDE E-MAIL BUT KNOW ITS AGAINST THE RULES BUT pmS ARE TOTALLY FINE, ANY REPLIES IN ANY WAY THAT COULD BE OF THE TINIEST BIT OF HELP WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED!!!! ALSO, I DOUBT IT, BUT SINCE THE REHAB IS IN CA AND MEDICAL MARIJUANA IS LEGAL IN CA DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD ALLOW ME TO SMOKE WHILE I WAS THERE? 

DIDN'T DO TOO GOOD CONDENSING BUT INCLUDED MORE/DIFFERENT INFO AND MAYBE THAT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE, IDK WHEN I PANIC I CANT CONDENSE BUT I REALLLY NEED THIS HELP, ANYONE WITH A LITTLE COMPASSION PLEASE READ AND RESPOND....I AM GOING INSANE TRYING TO DECIDE AND I NEED OPINIONS FROM PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN THERE! TtHANKS TO ANYONE WHO TAKES THE TIME TO HELP ME, IT MEANS MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!!!!!!