Best Joke Ever !

[nickiean]

Guy comes homes home looks at his wife & can't believe it, boobs like he had never seen. He said " honey what happened to you, you're boobs are so big!"She said you are not going to believe it but I went to this antique store & bought this mirror & hung it on the bathroom door.i was just foolin around & said," Mirror mirror on the door make my bust a 44 & this is what happened." That night the guy started thinking so he got up went in the bathroom & looked in the mirror & said," mirror mirror on the door make my dick hit the floor" & his legs fell off. The moral of the story is be careful what you wish for!!!

 

[Beautymeat]

im gunna use this one for sure.

 

[Phrenicz]

How to tie the strongest knot ever:

1) put some headphones in your pocket

2) leave for one minute

 

[521]

Alright that was a good one. I was thinking the punch line was .... And here we are with no punch

Lime

Humm

HmmmmmHmmmmHmmm

Think of that one

You're minute not mine

 

[efriend76]

They sat upon the grassy bank

Their hearts were all aquiver

He undid her suspender belt

And her leg fell in the river

 

[nickiean]

Two guy walking down the street & see a dog in the grass licking himself. the one guy says to the other "I wish I could do that. The other guy say's "well if you pat him on the head he might let you."

 

[reroka]

Two guy walking down the street & see a dog in the grass licking himself. the one guy says to the other "I wish I could do that. The other guy say's "well if you pat him on the head he might let you."

Lol that is not right.

 

[dug_less]

Two guy walking down the street & see a dog in the grass licking himself. the one guy says to the other "I wish I could do that. The other guy say's "well if you pat him on the head he might let you."

Two guys are sitting in the house watching the dog lick himself on the couch. Guy says "wish I could do that !". Other guy says "I've tried already, but I keep falling off the couch!"

 

[chuck5566]

The Southern version:

At the start of a University of Georgia football game the team comes running out onto the field, led by Uga, their white English bulldog mascot.  And sure enough, right there in the middle of the 50-yard line, Uga plops himself down and proceeds to do what dogs tend to do, in front of 90,000 fans and millions of others via ABC Sports TV.

Bubba and Jim-Bob are watching from the stands.  Jim-Bob turns to Bubba and says, "I really wish I could do that!"

To which Bubba replies, "That dog'll bi-ite youuu!"

(I believe the set up actually happened, back in the 70's.)

 

[MaryPill'Poppins]

A man gets arrested in a nightclub for having drugs. He tells the officer "They're not mine, I found them. I tried to get rid of them, but every time I flush them down the toilet they reappear in my pocket."

Obviously the officer doesn't believe him but the man tells him "I can prove it!"

So they go into the bathroom and the man flushes the drugs. The officer smiles and says "Now take the drugs out of your pocket smart ass."

The man smiles and says "What drugs?"

 

[wait4it]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.His father said he'd make a deal with his son,"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.Then we'll talk about the car."
 
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said,"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
 
"The boy said,"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that:- Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
 
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
 
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

 

[wait4it]

KIDS: You never know what they will say...
 
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old ask, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.It read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ...'

    
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the                phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy                    can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, she's hitting the bottle.
 
 
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and            running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's                the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

    
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interruptedby a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

    
POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I
gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back                       of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?

    
 
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day       I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

    
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the                    intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old                           son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should                         be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole                            and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous                        dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'
(I want this line used at my funeral!)
 
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she          said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
 
 
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

 

[wait4it]

The marvels of modern electronics and social media:

Daughter sends a text message to Dad:

Daddy,

I'm coming home to get married soon, so get out your checkbook. LOL!

I'm in love with a boy who lives far away from me.
As you know, I am in Australia and he lives in Scotland.

We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook,
had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and
now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad,

"I need your blessing, good wishes and a Really Big Wedding."

Lots of love and thanks! Your favorite daughter..
Lilly.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dad replies, also by text:

My Dear Lilly,
Like... cool! Whatever.
I suggest you two get married on Twitter,
have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon
and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband,
sell him on eBay.
Love,
Dad