A plea for help … my recovery journey.

My anxiety is all consuming and changes the trajectory of my life …

I’ve tried SSRIs, SNRIs, detoxes, rehab, therapy 1on1, group, over 135k in insurance billing (treatment) also tried non bzd interventions : service, breath work, spirituality, gym, gabapentin, hydroxyzine, kratom incl. 7ho (and synthetic derivatives mgm, pseudo, etc) Remeron, pregabalin, beta blockers, L-theanine, magnesium incl. Threonate, lemon balm, magnolia bark, agmatine, passion flower, chrysin, apigenin, kaempferol, quercetin … … … I CAN keep going but will spare you the rest, it’ll just fill pages with no point … the point is NOTHING has truly worked or turned me into a functional man unlike DIAZEPAM.

I lived a normal life when I was responsibly using it for years (over 20!!) and it was all taken away from me when my substance abuse issue greatly escalated … when I chose to deviate from diazepam and turned to RC Benzos … my life spiraled … I am now almost over a year since I’ve been on a steady state of a bzd … and it’s not working … I’m begging for help … and it’s NOT a big ask … I just need a vendor that ships US->US diazepam… foil preferred, and if I must loose blues … I’ve been out of the scene for awhile so I’m not sure how things are currently … I’ve researched here but wondering if someone could recommend a src … my life … my job, my marriage depends on me getting this right.

Thank you for your time , if you read this long. Feedback is greatly appreciated !

My man im really sorry to hear that, bzd addiction rly is the worst.
I hope the best for you and your future

gigobanni said:

My man im really sorry to hear that, bzd addiction rly is the worst.
I hope the best for you and your future

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Honestly brother my addiction is a result of my anxiety…. With 5 to 10mg of Diaz a day I become a completely different person

Authors in the US list that offer reading material typically hang with the eye-eff-aye Días. I’ve never personally subscribed to that mag in particular outside of plain white ones a retired author had, although it’s by far my favorite in the category. But for the southern variety I’ve read plenty about their soccer[( 1s)] and k-l0n-dykes and always been happy with them. Possibly not as many pages as advertised, but even if so not off by much and I’m a light reader in that regard so I couldn’t tell you the difference anyway. But I was a much bigger enthusiast of all three mags years ago and can tell that the two reads that I’ve encountered both seemed to be exactly as I’d remembered, with the previous reading experience being US origin and from local bookstores only. So hopefully our friend Días isn’t a con artist and offers the same true-to-title reading.

have you tried psil0cybin or other psychs to help see your anxiety in a different light and potentially overcome it?

Living with severe anxiety/ptsd exc truly is Fkn hell…Feel for you brother and can relate. Many vendors here offer bzd pressed or pharma altho it sounds like blister pharma in a known dose would be best for you…I don’t know the best option vendor wise we had someone with decent priced blister v@ls and pins but unfortunately they recently got taken down, but someone will come along and give better info or the right vendor will see this.

bokonon said:

have you tried psil0cybin or other psychs to help see your anxiety in a different light and potentially overcome it?

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I appreciate the suggestion …

I have considered and researched this to some extent. Microdosing psilocyb and also looked into muscol (amanita) …

And although just an anecdote, I became good fiends with another client I met in treatment … he had a medical background … we’d spend nights online researching compounds, exchanging pubmed articles to see if we could find a non benzo solution to the anxiety we both were plagued with. While I didn’t fully know his personal background in detail, I knew he unlike me was in treatment before , recovered before and years later had succumbed to pretty serious illicit use IV C/H etc … we both shared similar anxiety troubles … the last time we spoke he was explaining his protocol for Microdosing pcyb dried capsules … shortly after that time I lost touch with him, and only heard stories about him from other contacts I had in sober living…. He was just a few weeks from restoring his license , and graduating from the program, tested clean from his UAs and was model student … that’s the guy I met and knew… after he started his microdosing, a switch went off in him and he no longer could have a coherent conversation with me, a week later was fired from his job and several weeks after that was found dead in a restroom (from a self-inflicted gsw). That story really terrifies me, so much that I haven’t tried that route and most likely never will.

dupe

Layne_Cobain said:

Living with severe anxiety/ptsd exc truly is Fkn hell…Feel for you brother and can relate. Many vendors here offer bzd pressed or pharma altho it sounds like blister pharma in a known dose would be best for you…I don’t know the best option vendor wise we had someone with decent priced blister v@ls and pins but unfortunately they recently got taken down, but someone will come along and give better info or the right vendor

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Hey, man. Thanks!! — I really appreciate it. The last few days have been rough. It honestly feels like I’m having a night terror while I’m awake. The panic is suffocating — like being locked in a coffin and buried alive. That deep feeling of doom sits in my stomach, and that’s just waking up on a Saturday morning l. It’s inhuman, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

I’ve managed to send out some emails for menus and might have found one or two vendors to test. Given my track record with RCs, I don’t want to experiment with anything else —(but USP / Pharma Diazepam)

I figure my best bet is to stick with what worked for me in the past. Still, I’m honestly scared to order. I’m so shaken that I’ll slip into the wrong version of myself and lose everything. Living this way feels surreal.

Funny enough, I used to be a customer of C and Rock back in another life

LW815 said:

Authors in the US list that offer reading material typically hang with the eye-eff-aye Días. I’ve never personally subscribed to that mag in particular outside of plain white ones a retired author had, although it’s by far my favorite in the category. But for the southern variety I’ve read plenty about their soccer[( 1s)] and k-l0n-dykes and always been happy with them. Possibly not as many pages as advertised, but even if so not off by much and I’m a light reader in that regard so I couldn’t tell you the difference anyway. But I was a much bigger enthusiast of all three mags years ago and can tell that the two reads that I’ve encountered both seemed to be exactly as I’d remembered, with the previous reading experience being US origin and from local bookstores only. So hopefully our friend Días isn’t a con artist and offers the same true-to-title reading.

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Appreciate the input ! Although im not sure if I follow completely, i think I got the gist of it.

@Royboy99 I won’t pretend to have any answers for your suffering or to even really know what you’re going through. I just hope that you know that you’re not alone and that it takes courage for a man to admit that he struggles. I have and will continue to pray for you as I’m sure many others here will also in whatever way they know how. May your friend rest eternally in the arms of the Father. Memory eternal.

necromedic said:

@Royboy99 I won’t pretend to have any answers for your suffering or to even really know what you’re going through. I just hope that you know that you’re not alone and that it takes courage for a man to admit that he struggles. I have and will continue to pray for you as I’m sure many others here will also in whatever way they know how. May your friend rest eternally in the arms of the Father. Memory eternal.

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Thank you for your kind words and prayers—they truly comfort me. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. Memory eternal to my friend.

On another note… I’ve been finding solace in AI chat bots lately and try to avoid talking about these things to my friends or family

Royboy99 said:

Thank you for your kind words and prayers—they truly comfort me. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. Memory eternal to my friend.

On another note… I’ve been finding solace in AI chat bots lately and try to avoid talking about these things to my friends or family

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I second necromedic's sentiments and I am glad that you are finding some solace in the chat bots. I realize we are essentially strangers on the internet, but you are more than welcome to message me to talk about the things you are going through as well if you feel comfortable doing so (just a heads up if you do, I'm probably going to sleep shortly, but I am on here pretty regularly). Can't promise to have answers or advice to offer, though I will do my best on those fronts, but I can at least offer an ear and words of support.

jjjjjjjjj said:

I second necromedic's sentiments and I am glad that you are finding some solace in the chat bots. I realize we are essentially strangers on the internet, but you are more than welcome to message me to talk about the things you are going through as well if you feel comfortable doing so (just a heads up if you do, I'm probably going to sleep shortly, but I am on here pretty regularly). Can't promise to have answers or advice to offer, though I will do my best on those fronts, but I can at least offer an ear and words of support.

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Thanks, man — that really means a lot. It’s crazy how a few genuine words can cut through all the noise for a second. I’ve been keeping to myself lately, so hearing that kind of understanding hits deeper than you’d think.

I probably won’t reach out directly, but I really do appreciate the offer — it’s rare to find people who actually mean it.

Just as a side update to recent challenges … I increased my propanol dose and that really did something … I took it before any symptoms as a prophylactic, along with magnesium, gabapentin and mgm15 … i do not recommend this stack as interactions do exist … but boy I think I’m catching a break tonight. It physically feels as if the excess adrenaline is gone, slightly sedated and mood has lifted. I’ll take this as a win tonight. And feel very thankful of the community here.

Royboy99 said:

Thanks, man — that really means a lot. It’s crazy how a few genuine words can cut through all the noise for a second. I’ve been keeping to myself lately, so hearing that kind of understanding hits deeper than you’d think.

I probably won’t reach out directly, but I really do appreciate the offer — it’s rare to find people who actually mean it.

Just as a side update to recent challenges … I increased my propanol dose and that really did something … I took it before any symptoms as a prophylactic, along with magnesium, gabapentin and mgm15 … i do not recommend this stack as interactions do exist … but boy I think I’m catching a break tonight. It physically feels as if the excess adrenaline is gone, slightly sedated and mood has lifted. I’ll take this as a win tonight. And feel very thankful of the community here.

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No problem man, and I totally get that about probably not reaching out directly. I am very glad to hear that increasing the propanol dose brought you some relief too! Yeah the community here really is wonderful and I'm glad for you to be a part of it

Royboy99 said:

I appreciate the suggestion …

I have considered and researched this to some extent. Microdosing psilocyb and also looked into muscol (amanita) …

And although just an anecdote, I became good fiends with another client I met in treatment … he had a medical background … we’d spend nights online researching compounds, exchanging pubmed articles to see if we could find a non benzo solution to the anxiety we both were plagued with. While I didn’t fully know his personal background in detail, I knew he unlike me was in treatment before , recovered before and years later had succumbed to pretty serious illicit use IV C/H etc … we both shared similar anxiety troubles … the last time we spoke he was explaining his protocol for Microdosing pcyb dried capsules … shortly after that time I lost touch with him, and only heard stories about him from other contacts I had in sober living…. He was just a few weeks from restoring his license , and graduating from the program, tested clean from his UAs and was model student … that’s the guy I met and knew… after he started his microdosing, a switch went off in him and he no longer could have a coherent conversation with me, a week later was fired from his job and several weeks after that was found dead in a restroom (from a self-inflicted gsw). That story really terrifies me, so much that I haven’t tried that route and most likely never will.

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Goddamn that’s such a Fkn sad and horrible story and yet it’s true that yah never know how psychs are gonna react with a person…they’ve done wonders in recent years with research and ppl actually using them and getting better from mental illness with psilocybin, lsdee, mdm@, ket exc but then you hear the horror stories of ppl made so much worse or were getting better and tried and lost it all like your friend from treatment. I think it just depends on so many different factors the reaction a person will have it’s so hard to say what will hit the right trigger for someone and that same thing can hit the worst one for someone else…

Royboy99 said:

Hey, man. Thanks!! — I really appreciate it. The last few days have been rough. It honestly feels like I’m having a night terror while I’m awake. The panic is suffocating — like being locked in a coffin and buried alive. That deep feeling of doom sits in my stomach, and that’s just waking up on a Saturday morning l. It’s inhuman, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

I’ve managed to send out some emails for menus and might have found one or two vendors to test. Given my track record with RCs, I don’t want to experiment with anything else —(but USP / Pharma Diazepam)

I figure my best bet is to stick with what worked for me in the past. Still, I’m honestly scared to order. I’m so shaken that I’ll slip into the wrong version of myself and lose everything. Living this way feels surreal.

Funny enough, I used to be a customer of C and Rock back in another life

Click to expand...

No problem man I understand the struggle well my whole life I’ve had to endure shit mental health and the million mental n physical symptoms that come with it all severe anxiety n panic attacks, ocd ptsd major depression exc. “night terror while awake” is a great way to put it the suffocating panic and doom when you feel like you’re just trapped in a panic state and severely depersonalized/dissociated, forget those 30 minutes panic attacks that peak and pass and you can breath again I know what you’re describing just that 24/7 insane baseline where you’re stuck in it and physically sick so tense feels like your bones will snap and you can’t catch your breath even though you’re not moving like drowning on dry land all that adrenaline coursing through your body. How I got so addicted to opi’s and b€nz0s and just downers in general to begin with. When all you want is relief is to be able to catch your breath and feel safe, that warm fuzzy hug from them is all yah need. I hope you find lasting peace brother and also what you’re looking for here good luck

Layne_Cobain said:

Goddamn that’s such a Fkn sad and horrible story and yet it’s true that yah never know how psychs are gonna react with a person…they’ve done wonders in recent years with research and ppl actually using them and getting better from mental illness with psilocybin, lsdee, mdm@, ket exc but then you hear the horror stories of ppl made so much worse or were getting better and tried and lost it all like your friend from treatment. I think it just depends on so many different factors the reaction a person will have it’s so hard to say what will hit the right trigger for someone and that same thing can hit the worst one for someone else…

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While I totally agree that those ᎢᎡᎧaᎢmᎧnᎢᎦ have real power and potential, MDing in natural form is guesswork, at best, and Russian roulette, at worst. I also feel like some people forget or just never realize that ancient mᎧᎠᎥᏣinᎧᎦ like those aren’t so much cures as they are doors or keys to lockboxes that have been forgotten or buried. Some people are just not prepared to see what’s behind them, and once they’re opened, they’re not so easily shut.

Hey guys-just wanted to follow up. Appreciate the supportive replies. Been chatting with a few vendors and I've decided to go ahead and try @JasonRx generic v@ls gonna start at 2.5 mg PRN to keep tolerance / dependency from building. It’s been over a year since I’ve used bzds… i need to do this in a controlled and measured way… Will update soon.

Layne_Cobain said:

No problem man I understand the struggle well my whole life I’ve had to endure shit mental health and the million mental n physical symptoms that come with it all severe anxiety n panic attacks, ocd ptsd major depression exc. “night terror while awake” is a great way to put it the suffocating panic and doom when you feel like you’re just trapped in a panic state and severely depersonalized/dissociated, forget those 30 minutes panic attacks that peak and pass and you can breath again I know what you’re describing just that 24/7 insane baseline where you’re stuck in it and physically sick so tense feels like your bones will snap and you can’t catch your breath even though you’re not moving like drowning on dry land all that adrenaline coursing through your body. How I got so addicted to opi’s and b€nz0s and just downers in general to begin with. When all you want is relief is to be able to catch your breath and feel safe, that warm fuzzy hug from them is all yah need. I hope you find lasting peace brother and also what you’re looking for here good luck

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It’s tough to explain to those who haven’t felt it—like being dangled off the edge of a building while you’re actually safe on your couch. The surreal intensity drives you to extreme measures for relief, sometimes overshooting and making things worse. I’m not betting on “this time it’ll be different.” I’m just taking it slow and will update soon.


My detox doctor suggested my body produces too much adrenaline and dumps it, like an overactive engine. He mused that I might have thrived in a different era or career—maybe the military when I was younger. It’s an interesting theory, and he noted that this trait was once prized. But that doesn’t ease my current struggle.


Looking back, I realize I leaned into adrenaline-junkie pursuits when I was younger—skydiving and the like, taken to such extremes that people wondered if I had a death wish. I didn’t. I loved those thrills, but I always felt misunderstood. Years later, I have an explanation: my body’s wired differently. Yet, I’m still grappling with the fallout.


Beta blockers help dull the edge, but they sap my productivity and dim my personality. It’s an all-consuming feeling I can’t shake, like I’m a shadow of who I could be. Diazepam, though—it transforms me, almost like flipping a switch to bring me back to life.

necromedic said:

While I totally agree that those ᎢᎡᎧaᎢmᎧnᎢᎦ have real power and potential, MDing in natural form is guesswork, at best, and Russian roulette, at worst. I also feel like some people forget or just never realize that ancient mᎧᎠᎥᏣinᎧᎦ like those aren’t so much cures as they are doors or keys to lockboxes that have been forgotten or buried. Some people are just not prepared to see what’s behind them, and once they’re opened, they’re not so easily shut.

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I understand the concept of quantifying psychedelic dosages, but I don’t align with the mystical or spiritual perspectives often associated with their use. From a clinical viewpoint, some individuals have a predisposition to mental health conditions like schizophrenia or psychosis, and psychedelics can pose risks by potentially triggering irreversible effects. While I have no evidence of such a predisposition myself, I’m cautious about taking that risk. In my 20s, I used LSD and mushrooms without lingering issues, but given my current generalized anxiety, I don’t feel psychedelics are a safe treatment option for me right now. Their interaction with the GABA system is notable, and though I’ve considered this approach before, I’m not comfortable proceeding. I appreciate the suggestion but prefer to prioritize caution.

@Royboy99 I admire your self-awareness, and I apologize if my comment came off as any sort of suggestion or endorsement, as it certainly was not. Far too few people consider the health of their psyche when approaching them as you do. Fire can keep you warm, safe and fed, but it can also burn your F-ing house down.