Abusive Relationship?

[PurpleOWL]

I am in a wicked poopy situation. I'm pretty sure I'm in an emotionally abusive and controling relationship. I'm almost 22, and my boyfriend of 4 years is also 22, we have been together since high school.

I love him to death. He is my other half. He understands me and I understand him. He's seen me at my worst, at my lowest point and he still loves me, and I him. I have lived a hard life, and he is the only one who hasn't said "oh crap" and ran away.

When we met, I was at one of my worst points of my anxiety. I have severe geberalized anxiety disorder, and he just said "kay" and loved me any way. I couldn't hold a job, I didn't (and still don't) drive. Throughout the years I finally got the treatment I needed, and as I got better, he got madder. I went from hiding in my house to becoming a part of society and he doesn't like that. Long story short, I finally have my first awesome job that I am doing fantasictally in. It's my longest job ever, almost a year. I am so proud of myself. And all he can think about is how many people I talk to during the work day. I tell him about a customer and instead of saying nice things like "yay" or "thats good" or "they shouldn't have treated you that way" he asks "is he cute?" and "how old is he?" and "is it a guy?" and everything just short of "why the eff are you talking to them?!". He asked me the other day "what do you like most about your job?". I replied "I love how I'm not sitting at home hiding in my house any more. Even though I have to wake up early, or work late, I still have this satisfaction sensation that reminds me every day that I did it, and I'm not even done yet". Instead of supporting me, he goes "you just like talking to all the guys you see." Yes, I do love my customers. I live in a very small town, I see the same people every day. Most of them are old. And they all treat me as if I'm a part of their family, and I love it. I love everything about my job. And all he can think about is the people I talk to throughout the day. I told him that I can't remember every single person that I talk to, what I said, what time and so on.

The other day I had one of my customers texted me (I have my number on facebook, and all he does is bum butts off of me, he wanted to see if I had any). I was with my boyfriend and he flipped. He made me feel so bad for lying to him. But I'm not doing anything wrong. All I did was not tell him right away that he liked to bum cigarettes (even though I did, my boyfriend has a terrible memory because drugs). So now we're on a standoff. He thinks I'm lying to him. He texted this kid and said that I'm not allowed to talk to him, and he isn't allowed to talk to me. "I know you'll see her at the store, but do not talk to her and do not try to contact her".

I just... don't know what to do. I know he loves me by getting defensive, but I'm to the point where I'm afraid to tell him anything because I don't want a normal conversation to turn into a fight, like most of the time. And, with my anxiety issues, I get extra careful. I walk on eggshells every day and I just don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't understand why I feel this way towards him, and he doesn't bother to. I don't know i just...I don't know...

/rant.

 

[dug_less]

If you can't be honest with one another, why continue? Seek some counseling to try and resolve this. Wish you the best of luck.

 

[Roger]

Honey you are 22 with your WHOLE LIFE ahead! You've done SO great getting your life on track with a job you love etc! You've come a really long way and should be SO proud of yourself! Thing is, of this guy "loves" you like you say, he would be equally as happy. You are LIVING now and while life is full of ups and downs it will only get better!

I hate to tell you this but you were only good for him as long as he called the shots. As long as you were dependent on him he felt powerful and in control. Now that you have a life of your own, he is freaking out.

Good relationships celebrate the successes of each partner. They do NOT bring them down for meeting and exceeding goals!

He was good for you at one time and I'm sure you will always love him for that. But, you've grown past that stage in your life (YAY!) and you've grown out of this relationship. In fact, I would venture to say if you remain in it, your life will slowly begin to look like it did before rather than what it looks like now.

Move on. You are young with every opportunity ahead of you. And I know small towns are hard bc same circles of friends etc. but you need to break up and 1) continue to work; improve; set goals etc

And

2) realize while having a good and supportive partner undoubtedly enhances your life the converse is true also. Plus, it isn't so bad to be single for a while and figure out exactly what you want in a partner.

Good luck. I know it is hard. I really do. But this relationship is going south as fast as your life improves and it will drag you down again. Count on that, dear.

(And you can thank me for testing this theory several times so you don't have to! Lol!!!)

 

[Suzie]

I could be your grandmother so believe me when I tell you that the way he treats you is not love.  Like Roger said, when it is real love then you rejoice in seeing each other grow and become strong without either one trying to control the other.  I am so happy for you that you have found treatment that is working for your condition and you are blossoming.  Of course breaking up is hard to do, that's why they write so many songs about it, lol.  Try to get out as soon as you can and it would help if you had friends and family to support you because I have a feeling he won't make it easy... but by next year at this time you could be living a life that is so fulfilling and this will all be behind you.  Good luck honey /default_smile.png

 

[Roger]

I could be your grandmother so believe me when I tell you that the way he treats you is not love. Like Roger said, when it is real love then you rejoice in seeing each other grow and become strong without either one trying to control the other. I am so happy for you that you have found treatment that is working for your condition and you are blossoming. Of course breaking up is hard to do, that's why they write so many songs about it, lol. Try to get out as soon as you can and it would help if you had friends and family to support you because I have a feeling he won't make it easy... but by next year at this time you could be living a life that is so fulfilling and this will all be behind you. Good luck honey /default_smile.png

Yes Yes Yes!!! If you decide to end this (and I hope you do!) Talk to trusted friends and family and let them know what is going on and why you are uncomfortable with his behavior. Specifically ask for their support. It will really help to have moral support as you walk through this.

It won't be easy and you will be tempted to see or talk to him especially for the first couple of months. You need support from the people in your life.

One last thing. He is going to promise to change. Count on it. Might even go so far as to propose marriage. He won't change though and I hope you will see this as an attempt to continue his control. Save yourself even more heart ache and make a clean break.

Look, I don't this he is a bad guy necessarily. Relationships are sometimes for a season. I am beginning to see this as a truth more and more as I get older. What worked then isn't working now and that's just a fact.

Finally, just the fact you titled this post Abusive Relationship should tell you something.

Ok. Enough from me! I hope others will weigh in with their viewpoints. And I'm so happy for you for making such positive changes!

 

[2earls]

You have received some excellent advice from Roger and Suzie. They are 2 smart ladies!

I was in that relationship. Jealousy, control, mistrust. Oh yeah, he loved me alright. He loved me so much, I list all my friends, he wanted me to quit my job. He questioned the clothes I wore and everything I did that didn't involve him.

In the beginning I made the mistake that all this was because he just loved me so much. Wrong! He was a sick person and I became a sick person along with him.

He is not going to change. He will make your life miserable. These are the hardest men to leave because they brainwash you into thinking no one will love you like they do. Lies! It was very hard, but the best thing I ever did.

I am in a happy relationship now. I have my own friends again. I wear what I please. I'm truly loved instead of being controlled. I don't walk on eggshells.

Please think of a life without this person. If you do, you'll give yourself a chance to find out what real happiness is.

2E

 

[PurpleOWL]

I'm crying thank you guys so much for understanding and being so supportive. And exactly what you said, 2E, he flipps if i wear a little make up, and dress nicely because he thinks I'm dressing up for someone else. He goes "you don't need it, you're naturally beautiful!" and then goes "so, who are you trying to impress?" and then I make this face o.0 and he thinks I'm lying.

Update: I have a huge opprotunity to move up in my job, a manager possition, and I basically have the job, but I need to drive. So I told him "I'm going to start working on driving so I can advance in my job". Instead of the "Oh my god I'm so proud of you!" I was expecting, I got a "why are you trying to change?" and "why can't you do it for me instead of your job?". MIND YOU that for years he's been hounding me to drive. Now that it's becoming a reality, he isn't proud, or happy. He's mad and disappointed.

I have no friends mostly because of him, and some on my anxiety. I have one wicked close friend and for a long time he'd say "so what do you and Courtney talk about? About how bad of a boyfriend I am? Does she know everything?".

I'm scared to leave him because he makes me feel important, but unimportant all at the same time. And I say "abusive" because I've seen it. My dad was the worst when it came to emotional abuse and manipulation. To me, being treated right and with respect and actual love is something way out of my comfort zone. And I never wanted to leave my bubble in the first place, but I had to. And now I'm in a bubble again, its just a little bigger.

Also, this is my only form of communication with people. He has no idea I have this account, or even what this website is. He does drugs, but he has no idea wha my drug of choice is, or even if I have one. Because this is mine, and he can't take this away from me. If he found out, I'm dead. I wouldn't hear the end of it. I wouldn't have any sort of provacy any more. That would be it. Poof~ the "sorry my boyfriend won't allow me to talk to anyone without his approval" speech has come true.

 

[TealGreen]

First off, I am sooo sorry you're going through this PO! He seems to be really insecure and is probably afraid of you leaving him in the dust. And instead of being supportive, he's trying to hold you back and it's obviously not the way to hold onto you. Is there any way you can have a serious talk with him to let him know what he's doing? I know there's little chance of him changing but it's worth a try. If he really loves you and doesn't want to lose you, he'll put forth some effort. I know it's never an easy thing to break off a relationship, especially as long as yours but like Roger said, he's not growing with the relationship and you have. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and we're all here to support you! Hugs!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[2earls]

I'm crying thank you guys so much for understanding and being so supportive. And exactly what you said, 2E, he flipps if i wear a little make up, and dress nicely because he thinks I'm dressing up for someone else. He goes "you don't need it, you're naturally beautiful!" and then goes "so, who are you trying to impress?" and then I make this face o.0 and he thinks I'm lying.

Update: I have a huge opprotunity to move up in my job, a manager possition, and I basically have the job, but I need to drive. So I told him "I'm going to start working on driving so I can advance in my job". Instead of the "Oh my god I'm so proud of you!" I was expecting, I got a "why are you trying to change?" and "why can't you do it for me instead of your job?". MIND YOU that for years he's been hounding me to drive. Now that it's becoming a reality, he isn't proud, or happy. He's mad and disappointed.

I have no friends mostly because of him, and some on my anxiety. I have one wicked close friend and for a long time he'd say "so what do you and Courtney talk about? About how bad of a boyfriend I am? Does she know everything?".

I'm scared to leave him because he makes me feel important, but unimportant all at the same time. And I say "abusive" because I've seen it. My dad was the worst when it came to emotional abuse and manipulation. To me, being treated right and with respect and actual love is something way out of my comfort zone. And I never wanted to leave my bubble in the first place, but I had to. And now I'm in a bubble again, its just a little bigger.

Also, this is my only form of communication with people. He has no idea I have this account, or even what this website is. He does drugs, but he has no idea wha my drug of choice is, or even if I have one. Because this is mine, and he can't take this away from me. If he found out, I'm dead. I wouldn't hear the end of it. I wouldn't have any sort of provacy any more. That would be it. Poof~ the "sorry my boyfriend won't allow me to talk to anyone without his approval" speech has come true.

Then make sure you are very careful. Erasing your browser history, cookies, etc. When I started having thoughts of leaving, I opened a secret bank account and siphoned off a little of my paycheck each time. If it wasn't for the age difference, I'd think you were with my ex!

I was faithful to this guy for years and always was suspected of cheating.

Once I was filling my gas tank and left my wallet on top of my car. It fell off a few blocks down the road in front of a body shop. The owner was kind enough to call me, and when I went to retrieve it., he gave me his business card. Then crazy BF goes through my wallet, finds the card and goes ballistic "aha! So this is the guy you're with. Blah blah blah."

Is this the life you want? Yes, they make you feel important. ..

and smothered and kind of afraid.

Whatever you do, even if you stay with him now, don't let him hold your career back. Take a driving class if he won't help. You never know when the day will come you really need a good job to be independent.

You can have that heart to heart and he might improve. For a week or a month. Whatever insecurities these type of guys have doesn't just go away. Sorry if I come off as negative, but I learned the hard way.

2E

 

[PTFC]

Honey you are 22 with your WHOLE LIFE ahead! You've done SO great getting your life on track with a job you love etc! You've come a really long way and should be SO proud of yourself! Thing is, of this guy "loves" you like you say, he would be equally as happy. You are LIVING now and while life is full of ups and downs it will only get better!

I hate to tell you this but you were only good for him as long as he called the shots. As long as you were dependent on him he felt powerful and in control. Now that you have a life of your own, he is freaking out.

Good relationships celebrate the successes of each partner. They do NOT bring them down for meeting and exceeding goals!

He was good for you at one time and I'm sure you will always love him for that. But, you've grown past that stage in your life (YAY!) and you've grown out of this relationship. In fact, I would venture to say if you remain in it, your life will slowly begin to look like it did before rather than what it looks like now.

Move on. You are young with every opportunity ahead of you. And I know small towns are hard bc same circles of friends etc. but you need to break up and 1) continue to work; improve; set goals etc

And

2) realize while having a good and supportive partner undoubtedly enhances your life the converse is true also. Plus, it isn't so bad to be single for a while and figure out exactly what you want in a partner.

Good luck. I know it is hard. I really do. But this relationship is going south as fast as your life improves and it will drag you down again. Count on that, dear.

(And you can thank me for testing this theory several times so you don't have to! Lol!!!)

I second this motion.

 

[Roger]

You know honey.... We can give you all of the advice in the world; support you and be your sounding board regardless of your decision. But.... You will have to make the final decision about YOUR life! It is hard and scary to make big changes. I usually kick and scream and whine my way through them. I don't do change well.

When I was younger I looked to others and circumstances to make me happy. Finally I learned (the HARD way) that my happiness is 100% on my shoulders and I am the one who is in control of my choices. Once I internalized these realities, I felt SO free! Just think..... I don't have to rely on anyone else to make me happy! I am in control! How cool is that?

In the end, you will have to decide (your choice.... NOT HIS!) how to live your life. You don't have to be afraid of his reaction about driving or what websites you visit. You just don't. It is truly your choice.

Keep us posted and by all means take that job! You earned it and you should be proud and excited regardless of his reaction.

 

[Suzie]

I've had one relationship where the guy was totally controlling but I didn't see it until we had been living together for a while.  At first it was fun, like you and me against the world, but very soon I started seeing that he didn't want me to have any friends.  He even wanted me to cut ties with my family like he had.  Then I found out that he would erase  messages left for me from friends and family.  This was before cell phones.  He would have been happy if I never talked to anyone but him.  It wasn't easy to get out because we had become so co-dependent but I could see my happiness diminishing every day.  I won't go into all the details of the things he did and I have been working on "forgiveness" in all aspects of my life but I am left with one that still hurts so much:  he had made me miss my own mothers funeral because he erased the message.  Seeing healthy relationships really helped me to see what real love can be like and I felt like I deserved that and no matter how guilty he tried to make me feel I focused on that.  And when I left I felt as if a great weight had been removed from my shoulders and I've never regretted it.

 

[PurpleOWL]

I really wish he would just calm down. He is wicked insecure, which is why he does this. I'm not saying it's okay, because it's not. When he isn't flipping out about something, it's such a wonderful relationship, but when I'm not around him, he completely changes. I refuse to live with him until something changes (if it ever does) and I told him this. I don't remeber his reaction, I blocked it out because I don't care. I'm not putting myself in that kind of situation. So since we don't live together, he freaks out a lot, because hes not watching my every move. And its "very easy to delete shit off my phone, it's not even worth confronting".

Suzie, to relate with your mothers passing (I'm sorry for your loss), I lost my dad a few days before my boyfriends birthday in 2013. I sucked it up and I went to a football game for his birthday. I love football, huge patriots fan, and it was a lot of fun, and he had fun, but I had to also discuss funeral arrangments and everything with a family that I dispised. I sacrificed that time for him, and when I had one night of break down, he got pissed because I had been drinking. He goes "you've had far too much to drink, go to bed, you're too drunk" when he found me sitting alone sobbing over the difficult situation I had been faced with. (I have a hard time showing emotions, especially sadness like that and when I drink, it comes out if its something that bothers me enough). I still get teary eyed over it, but I never tell him this. I can't. I physically can not tell him these things. His reactions scare me, and when I wear my heart on my sleeve (which is rare) he completely ignores and insults me for it.

He does all of this, and it doesn't change my outlook for my future. I'm sticking with my job and I will drive so I can have more and better opprotunities, and he can't tell me no. And he will never come out and tell me no, because he knows how stubborn I am (he hates it). He thinks if he insults me and disapproves me enough that I just won't do it. But hes damn wrong.

 

[yellowbelly]

What's your boyfriends astrological sign, and what is yours, if you don't mind me asking...??

 

[Guest]

From a gal that has tested ALL the theories (like Roger) get the hell out...now. I had the SAME thing happen. Again, a long as I was fearful of the rest of the world and totally dependent on him...everything was okay. Heck he even moved us out of state to get me away from my friends and family. I had NO idea what he was doing. After four years, he raped me for the first time. This abuse, and other abuse, continued until i got out...and believe me....it wasnt easy to get out. I never EVER thought he would do something like that. It started exactly like you are describing. I am not saying he will rape you, but this relationship you are describing is headed to bad and worse.

You need to go. If he gets help you go to counseling or something, this can be done living apart, you can always go back. There are gentle, kind, sexy and smart men that make GREAT boyfriends and or husbands out there. I know because I finally got one. FINALLY. and I am no spring chicken. Don't wait. Don't make the same mistake I did. Life is too short. Big hugs.

 

[Guest]

What's your boyfriends astrological sign, and what is yours, if you don't mind me asking...??

If he is a Taurus, run for your life! Just sayin

 

[2earls]

Oh good! You don't live together. Yay!

 

[yellowbelly]

I would guess he is a Scorpio..??

 

[Guest]

Oh good! You don't live together. Yay!

They dont?