Abusive Relationship?

[PTFC]

Saggi's rule, lets face it.  /default_smile.png

Some great advice in here for you owl, and the bigger thing is that YOU recognize there is a serious problem going on. Your time will come, and it will be worth it.

 

[Phrenicz]

+1 for the Scorpio camp here!!

We rock!! : )

 

[Guest]

Yes you do! My baby is 10/25........same bday as my Dad!

 

[Guest]

But Leos rule. Just sayin

 

[PurpleOWL]

Does this guy like to torture me??

I just got home from work, and now I'm waiting for his call. I get so scared to tell him hat I did. Not because I did something wrong, but he's gonna twist my words into something I may have done wrong. If I defend myself, I did wrong. If I don't, I did wrong. This is a daily fear. WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOO. Either way it's going to end in a fight. I'm gonna be in tears, and he's going to be making it worser....

 

[TealGreen]

Does this guy like to torture me??

I just got home from work, and now I'm waiting for his call. I get so scared to tell him hat I did. Not because I did something wrong, but he's gonna twist my words into something I may have done wrong. If I defend myself, I did wrong. If I don't, I did wrong. This is a daily fear. WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOO. Either way it's going to end in a fight. I'm gonna be in tears, and he's going to be making it worser....

I feel so bad for you because you know this is an unhealthy relationship yet you're struggling to get out. But sadly it's looking like that's the only way to get relief from this horrible anxiety you have to deal with. Walking on eggshells is never a fun thing. I hope the answer becomes clear to you soon so that you're able to break it off and feel peaceful about your decision. Big hugs!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[PurpleOWL]

Thanks! I need the big hugs because I was right. He just gets mad at the stupidest shit. One minutes hes wicked understanding, then boom! Somehow in a normal calm sentence, I called him an asshole. "Oh so I'm the asshole" and "yes, you're right and I'm stupid". He is the king of sarcasm and just...ouch.

I told him during work that I wasn't having a good day and I wish that he was available to talk because he's my boyfriend and I just wanted his company. Instead of taking that as a good thing he said "so, i never see you, I'm a shitty boyfriend, that's why you talk to random people" and so on. P.s. apparently my customers I see every day are random people and he takes it personally.

And of course that's not what I'm saying! He just takes it that way and I do not for the life of me know why. THIS is why I hide stuff from him (literally friends, I hide my friends, or lack thereof). I said "I didn't even talk to Laura, and I worked with her all day". He goes "well how did that go about, if you were so upset?"

"I hide it, because its none of her, or my customers, business. Thats something I would like to share with you"

(Get ready, this may piss you off)

His response: "Oh, so you just lie to everyone, don't you?"

HOW DO I RESPOND TO THAT.

Spoiler alert: I didn't

 

[TealGreen]

WOW. I actually have an ex friend that is SO similar! I broke off the friendship because I was sick of him twisting everything I said. I think it's low self esteem??? But this guy does have a history of drug abuse so I'm not sure if it's related to that? The last straw was him saying some very hurtful things to me just to get a reaction. He got a reaction alright, I told him to go away and never speak to me again. That was 7 months ago. I have so little patience for that type of behavior. So I totally get your frustration! I would really like to know what makes someone like that. Has he always been that way or is this a new thing?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[PTFC]

I am male, and haven't always been an angel either of course, but this whole relationship sounds rotten owl. I prefer to mind my own business too, but I haven't read or recognised any current redeeming features from your other half. It's also easy for me and anyone else to say, "leave him" but I really feel from your description and side of this situation that it's time to go. I suspect this may break your heart at the same time, but it's preferable to having your soul and self esteem slowly crushed to nothing. It's sounding like an irretrievable love, and that is a tough decision to make for yourself. I also apologise for being so forthright about it.

 

[Suzie]

Looking back on my similar situation, it's like you have to hit rock bottom before you can take action.  It's hard because by then you have no self confidence.

Cat:  I'm a Leo too /default_wink.png

 

[PurpleOWL]

WOW. I actually have an ex friend that is SO similar! I broke off the friendship because I was sick of him twisting everything I said. I think it's low self esteem??? But this guy does have a history of drug abuse so I'm not sure if it's related to that? The last straw was him saying some very hurtful things to me just to get a reaction. He got a reaction alright, I told him to go away and never speak to me again. That was 7 months ago. I have so little patience for that type of behavior. So I totally get your frustration! I would really like to know what makes someone like that. Has he always been that way or is this a new thing?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This is more new. It's  been four years and as time went on the more stupid he got about it. And it's just going to get worse.

I don't let him crush my self esteem, I've worked way too hard to regain it, and he helped so much, so if he wants to try and crush it, he's just going to waste energy. My anxiety and other mental issues is something that he had a huge part of, and I'm so much better than I was years ago, and now he doesn't like it. "You need to drive" he has said for year. I told him I'm going to and he goes "why? Why do you want to change?". You think that's gonna stop me from moving on in my life and continue to recover from my issues? Hell no! He can sit there and cry and scream and pout about how he doesn't like the freedom I'm regaining, but it ain't gonna stop me, thats for sure.

 

[Guest]

Looking back on my similar situation, it's like you have to hit rock bottom before you can take action.  It's hard because by then you have no self confidence.

Cat:  I'm a Leo too /default_wink.png

Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Hehe

 

[True_Love]

 

[tomwhittaker]

Life isn't worth living in fear. You've got to give yourself every chance possible of being happy. This relationship is no good for either of you. I'm sure he hates himself for being so awful to you, but he cannot stop himself. Be happy.

 

[True_Love]

^^ very well said.

 

[Gallon]

Yes.. being in a relationship where you can't trust someone sucks...  on both sides...  That is a miserable way to live...   Good luck

 

[daisymay]

I'm posting because this is an older thread, but it needs to stay alive for anyone who is or was experiencing an abusive relationship. The signs are all the same...controlling behavior, trying to keep you away from friends and family, not wanting you to work or drive or have any independence, having control of all finances, and the list goes on. It's important for victims of this behavior to reach out and talk about it. It's also a very brave thing to do depending on the extent of abuse. You don't have to have physical bruises or broken bones to be a victim of abuse, and regardless of the type of abuse, once you regain yourself, your life, and your independence, you elevate from being a victim to being a survivor. A survivor is a true warrior and someone to be admired.

Okay, so I'm gonna feel like a fool if there is another thread about this.  

 

[trinity]

You're in a relationship with a Narcissist! I know - I married one, then divorced one - and it has been a roller coaster ride, with immense highs and immense lows. Narcissists have been described as the proverbial Jekyll and Hyde, one way one minute, another the next.

People usually get into relationships for love and the need to connect and bond with another. Narcissists get into relationships for entirely different reasons. They do not feel love and they lack the ability to connect and form normal attachment bonds with others.

Narcissists need people more than anyone. Because their entire sense of self-esteem and self-worth is dependent on the admiration of others, their emotions are a precarious balance of needing others and needing to be left alone.

Narcissists feel an enormous void inside of them. This void is ever present and the only thing that fills it, is the love and esteem of another. The fix is always temporary though. Narcissists are completely self-absorbed and are oblivious to the wants and needs of others. They enter into relationships in an attempt to fill this void and to make sure that they have someone who is always available for sex, an ego stroke or whatever need they may have. A relationship with a Narcissist always follows three phases, the over-evaluations phase, the devaluation phase and the discard phase.

The Over-evaluation Phase

A Narcissist is very careful when choosing a target. Typically, they will choose a victim based on their status. They must be attractive, popular, rich or extremely gifted in some area - or perhaps weak. The greater the status, the higher the value the Narcissist places on the Supply derived.

Once a target has been chosen, it’s almost like the Narcissist gets tunnel vision. They are hyper-vigilant in their pursuit and will project the perfect image that their victim wants them to be. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower their targets with attention, compliments and literally sweep them off their feet.

They place their target on a pedestal, idolize and worship them. Their target is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Here the Narcissist is ecstatic, full of hopes and dreams. They will talk and think about them constantly, they are euphoric. This is as close as a Narcissist will ever get to feeling love. This kind of idolization is what others would call infatuation.

The victim is likely so caught up in all the attention and is usually thinking at this point, that they have found their soul-mate. Their pursuer is exactly what they want in a partner (because the Narcissist is mirroring what they have learned appeals to their target) and they can’t believe how lucky they are and that this catch is still single.

What they don’t know, or could ever be prepared for, is what comes next.

The Devaluation Stage

The Over-Evaluation phase, if you’re dealing with a Somatic Narcissist, usually lasts anywhere from a couple of month to a few years; just long enough for the Narcissist to be confident that they have secured their target’s love and devotion. Unbeknownst to the target, what they were witnessing in the early phase was the Narcissist’s false self. In this second phase, the mask comes off and the Narcissist starts to reveal their true colors.

The shift could be gradual or almost seemingly overnight. Suddenly the attention they so lavishly gave you is gone and replaced by indifference and silence. Days or weeks could go by and you won’t hear from them. They don’t return your phone calls, they don’t keep a single promise and you’re starting to suspect that they might be involved with someone else. The target is left baffled and confused and wondering what they did wrong to cause such an abrupt turnaround.

Narcissists become bored easily and what usually starts happening in their heads at this stage, is that the void begins to emerge again. The high (or low) they were feeding off of is waning and they begin to question your worthiness, that perhaps you weren’t so special after all, because if you were then the void wouldn’t still be there.

They become moody and agitated easily, blaming you for even the slightest transgression. They start to disappear more frequently and they give you the silent treatment in an attempt to create distance. As the Narcissist withdraws, the target starts to cling and your demands for his attention and your need to understand what’s happening, grate on his nerves. The harder you cling the more the Narcissist pulls away. They start to blame and criticize the target for everything, treating them like an emotional punching bag.

At this point the target is an emotional wreck. The Narcissist has left without any explanation and they can’t figure out how one minute they were put on a pedestal and now it’s like they don't even exist. The Narcissist is a projector and they are projecting their emotional turmoil onto you. They feed off of other people’s misery (as long as it’s caused by them) just as much as they feeds off of your admiration, either way it makes no difference to them.

It is this person, this cruel, indifferent, unfeeling, sadist that is the behind the mask. Most targets desperately try to find the one they fell in love with. What they don’t realize is that that person never existed. They were a facade an act put on by the Narcissist to secure their Supply.

The Narcissist will take no responsibility for their actions, because they simply don’t care how they’ve treated you or how you are feeling. Narcissists are not capable of forming normal healthy attachments to people. Those who aren’t familiar with the disorder are completely at a loss to understand how unnecessarily cruel their behavior can be. The target was never more than an object to the Narcissist, whose usefulness is on the decline.

The Narcissist isn’t one to throw away a potential piece of supply though. They will keep up this I love you, I love you not charade going for as long as it suits them or as long as you allow it. They will breeze in and out of your life as if nothing ever happened, completely oblivious and indifferent to your suffering.

This mind fuck is deliberate and they will keep feeding you crumbs of attention, just enough to keep you emotionally invested and available to cater to their every need.

At some point one of two things will happen: either they will find a new target and begin phase one with them, thus ignoring you completely, or you will have had enough of his psychotic abuse and you will take control and put an end to it, thus ushering In phase three.

The Discard Phase

It is almost baffling to watch the ease at which a Narcissist can pull away from his partners. Many targets are left asking themselves, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?†The simple answer is no. No one means anything to him. Women are only a means to an end – to obtain the much needed Narcissistic Supply. Once your usefulness has run its course, you will be discarded abruptly and cruelly, without warning.

Trying to get over a relationship with a Narcissist is extremely difficult. Once it is over the target is usually an emotional wreck, whose self-esteem has been annihilated by the persistent demeaning behavior, insults and cruelty of the Narcissist. Depending on when they were able to break free, the target maybe a shadow of their former self, with a lot of work ahead of them to rebuild their shattered self-image.

As a victim tries to pick up the pieces, What must be remembered is that you were deliberately targeted, lied to and manipulated by a skilled con-artist, for their own gain. There was nothing you could have done differently and none of this was your fault. The Narcissist will repeat this pattern with every person, every time, bar none.

Once you have broken free you must close the door on any and all contact, because if you don’t you’re headed back to a watered down version of Phase One – over and over and over again.

Yours Truly,

Bloom

This is brilliant. I guess it applied to me at one stage so its a bit of a mirror although the discard phase was not me because I had an 'awakening'.
It was me who was left a mere shell.

 

[jjoe]

I am in a wicked poopy situation. I'm pretty sure I'm in an emotionally abusive and controling relationship. I'm almost 22, and my boyfriend of 4 years is also 22, we have been together since high school.

I love him to death. He is my other half. He understands me and I understand him. He's seen me at my worst, at my lowest point and he still loves me, and I him. I have lived a hard life, and he is the only one who hasn't said "oh crap" and ran away.

When we met, I was at one of my worst points of my anxiety. I have severe geberalized anxiety disorder, and he just said "kay" and loved me any way. I couldn't hold a job, I didn't (and still don't) drive. Throughout the years I finally got the treatment I needed, and as I got better, he got madder. I went from hiding in my house to becoming a part of society and he doesn't like that. Long story short, I finally have my first awesome job that I am doing fantasictally in. It's my longest job ever, almost a year. I am so proud of myself. And all he can think about is how many people I talk to during the work day. I tell him about a customer and instead of saying nice things like "yay" or "thats good" or "they shouldn't have treated you that way" he asks "is he cute?" and "how old is he?" and "is it a guy?" and everything just short of "why the eff are you talking to them?!". He asked me the other day "what do you like most about your job?". I replied "I love how I'm not sitting at home hiding in my house any more. Even though I have to wake up early, or work late, I still have this satisfaction sensation that reminds me every day that I did it, and I'm not even done yet". Instead of supporting me, he goes "you just like talking to all the guys you see." Yes, I do love my customers. I live in a very small town, I see the same people every day. Most of them are old. And they all treat me as if I'm a part of their family, and I love it. I love everything about my job. And all he can think about is the people I talk to throughout the day. I told him that I can't remember every single person that I talk to, what I said, what time and so on.

The other day I had one of my customers texted me (I have my number on facebook, and all he does is bum butts off of me, he wanted to see if I had any). I was with my boyfriend and he flipped. He made me feel so bad for lying to him. But I'm not doing anything wrong. All I did was not tell him right away that he liked to bum cigarettes (even though I did, my boyfriend has a terrible memory because drugs). So now we're on a standoff. He thinks I'm lying to him. He texted this kid and said that I'm not allowed to talk to him, and he isn't allowed to talk to me. "I know you'll see her at the store, but do not talk to her and do not try to contact her".

I just... don't know what to do. I know he loves me by getting defensive, but I'm to the point where I'm afraid to tell him anything because I don't want a normal conversation to turn into a fight, like most of the time. And, with my anxiety issues, I get extra careful. I walk on eggshells every day and I just don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't understand why I feel this way towards him, and he doesn't bother to. I don't know i just...I don't know...

/rant.

your only 22 i have a daughter your age and i drill it into her not to be depend on any man , he sounds nice but im not telling you anything you dont already know , your starting to blossom , try explain to him the real meaning of love its not  all about the bedroom , you want him by you side as you start this new chapter in your life and want him to be happy for you , if he,s not really happy to see you move on maybe it is time to move on , your a big girl and only you have the answers no matter what anyone here says 

best of luck i hope it works out for you both

 

[2earls]

You are right @daisymay, it's an old thread but always relevant since so many of us have experienced or are experiencing these situations. Good for you @jjoe. May your daughter never experience such things.

I miss @Bloom she was a brilliant write. And I wonder what became of the OP? I hope she was able to gain her freedom, with or without the man. And last @ Trinity, I'm sure your emptiness will fill with time. I had a beast of a controlling BF who I let suck the life out of me. In the end, he made my life better than it ever was before him. Life's hard lessons and all that.