Addictive Personality

[Smoka90]

Amen to avoiding SSRI drugs. I was put on setraline and was in a state of mania within a week. I put a £15k deposit down on an Audi R8, money I had been saving for a mortgage. My doc didn't believe that it was the meds until I seen him the next week. Another young man came in with the same symptoms. Mania, making crazy on the spot decisions.

I'd like to say I'm driving the R8 now but my doc wrote me a letter to take to the Audi garage as they didn't believe me. On the plus side, the test drive was great!

That's definitely one of the more unusual stories of SSRIs! But yeah, mania is a good way to describe it. For me, it was mania, plus the most indescribable impulsions I've ever known. They're prescribing meds which cause mania and severe impulsions to people with depressive and/or suicidal tendencies. *facepalm*

I've never had a driving license and can't drive for the foreseeable, so can't empathise with car-related things, but the test drive sounds fun!

 

[Solid Snoop]

It was fun but wasn't worth the 2 weeks of he'll trying to get my savings back. 

Of course I did the sensible thing and ate lots and lots of benzos. *facepalm*

That taper is going well, my tolerance to benzos is crazy high (12mg of xannies won't even make me yawn) but yet I still keep 300 of them. I'm currently on 30mg of Diaz and 6mg of xans. Im not prescribed the xans, days I don't take them I don't feel withdrawals yet I still take them most days. When you really think about it, addiction is fucking stupid. I don't think there is a single person in the world that has the answer to what it is and how to fully be free of it.

I don't care how long you are clean, it's always there, somewhere just waiting for that really bad day to come so it can take over again. A scary thought....

 

[Smoka90]

I can empathise with that sentiment a lot... It's a really depressing thought, as well as a scary one, that for the rest of our lives they'll be a demanding voice in our heads, whispering, saying, sometimes shouting, 'do it'.

I've been able to kick individual things, like alchohol and smoking (although I still use high nicotine e-cigarettes), but there's always been another substance to 'make up for it'... I see op!@tes as being my base blanket, and other substances are cozy cushions strewn across it. And below the base blanket there's just a hard, cold surface of sobriety. I've sort of given up on the idea of getting rid of it all... which is why I respect your efforts a lot (seriously, I do).

How fast are your reductions in the taper again? I know very little on Benzzoh WD I'm afraid, so I can't exactly advise much... Just be careful not to 'swap' addictions. Sorry if you already knew that, which I'm sure you did, I think that's just such an easy trap to fall into.

 

[Hammerblow]

The biggest problem with benzo withdrawal if not don't correctly which snoop is doing a brilliant job with is seizures. Again I can't go into detail but I get a lot of first hand information on it. That's why it baffles me in my country the GP now just wants to stop you cold turkey! You could be on nitr@z for years then one day your not, it's terrifying. There's signs up in my local surgery almost like a 1984 foreboding. Expect to be called in we are going to ruin you (I paraphrase) but that that's the gist. And I'm so sorry smoka  I've consulted with those in the know and it must have been a freak one off. You can't seize off benzo's unless stated above, so unless that's what happened you took a long break, there isn't a risk . We could be wrong but that's coming from above. @ElectroNymph I've been in the park with the cider too, don't feel bad I think I its natural at one stage. You aren't alone.x

 

[ElectroNymph]

The biggest problem with benzo withdrawal if not don't correctly which snoop is doing a brilliant job with is seizures. Again I can't go into detail but I get a lot of first hand information on it. That's why it baffles me in my country the GP now just wants to stop you cold turkey! You could be on nitr@z for years then one day your not, it's terrifying. There's signs up in my local surgery almost like a 1984 foreboding. Expect to be called in we are going to ruin you (I paraphrase) but that that's the gist. And I'm so sorry smoka  I've consulted with those in the know and it must have been a freak one off. You can't seize off benzo's unless stated above, so unless that's what happened you took a long break, there isn't a risk . We could be wrong but that's coming from above. @ElectroNymph I've been in the park with the cider too, don't feel bad I think I its natural at one stage. You aren't alone.x

Precisely. I was seeing a 'locum', at my old surgery, and I went in there shaking due to benzo withdrawals. I asked her if she could give me enough to gradually come off it and she flipped, "I'm not feeding your drug habit!" Unfortunately, she works there a lot, so I moved surgeries. Another time, she also had a nasty go at me for putting on weight, even though I'd lost five stones previously.

The park thing was when I was about 23. I drink in the house now, occasionally, but don't crave it like I used to.

I have never had a seizure from benzos, but once I was in a Police cell, after taking 200mg of diaz a day, and suddenly the floor was amass with slugs (I hate slugs). There was also half a dead body under the door. I tiptoed around, absolutely terrified, before a doctor came to section me. Luckily, the hallucinations had gone by then and I convinced him that I was okay.

 

[Hammerblow]

@ElectroNymph That's utterly disgusting, the worst part is theres not a single thing we can do about it. You create a fuss they have the right to no longer treat you at that practice. It's then in your med records your a drug seeker etc. Good luck finding a practice that will take you on and treat you impartially, even if you go in with a separate issue.  You are basically tarred from thst point forth. I'm sure there's something about doctors having a duty if care......

I can't really comment on the drinking as,you know I'm t-total for a long time but we all have the devil in us it's how it manifests itself but again you aren't alone. I've found myself in a cell too for the weekend actually a funny story but a long one...a,case of mistaken identity. I'll leave that for another Tim. The sat morning till Monday afternoon withdrawals weren't funny though lucky it was,early into my addiction. 

 

[Solid Snoop]

I'm virtually t-total too and have to say it feels good. @PTFC gave me a massive wake up call one day. I was supplementing my benzo habithe with alpss and we all know how short the half life is. He said this:" what I'd you have an accident, end up in hospital and they have no idea youre on a massive amount of alpzz." My answer was, I'd die. Little food for thought for people that are taking benzos and aren't prescribed any by a doc. If you are prescribed at least some yeah you will feel shitty but at least you will get some. What if you are unconscious for days and you go into major withdrawal and they don't have a clue about your habit? That helped me chose to get help. It wasn't the only reason but it sure helped. I'm forever grateful to @PTFC for that little chat.

 

[PTFC]

It was no problem @Solid Snoop, the same could have happened to me, or anyone for that matter. Keep going, you are hanging well, keeping discipline is the hardest part I found, but once you have it, it doesn't leave you.

 

[Guest]

@Hammerblow

If your GP takes you off your benzo cold turkey, after a longer term of usage (more than a few weeks), then basically he is gambling with your life or at least you general well-being. I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but you should definitely leave that irresponsible douchebag, and get a new doc.

 

[newdaze]

One trait of Borderline Personality Disorder is addiction. I have been addicted to collecting things, eating, smoking, drinking, benzos, people, dieting, certain music...

It's draining, but there are many reasons to have an addictive personality: trauma and it being inherited, are others I can think of. There's probably more though!

@Solid Snoop It's uncanny how similar your story is to mine. My father is an alcoholic, sadly he was all my life and before, so I grew up with seeing his nightly, solitary wine drinking. My mum has always had hoarding problems, so the house is full of collected...er, 'junk', for the most part. So I grew up with that and now it seems I combined them (...yay me!). So I need daily use of many different things (I share the op8 issue with you, but keep bennz at a 1-2 times a week routine), there's RCs too which have, stupidly, become part of that routine that I just *can't* break...I'm even similar to you with games, when I take a certain chemical I feel like I have to play a certain video game. Although I did give up alcohol two years ago, I seem to be getting worse with other things. I also, like you, feel the need to buy meds, even if I have sufficient amounts.

I think addiction is connected to so many things, @ElectroNymph you mention bipolar disorder. I don't suffer from that, but I do have severe OCD (complete with having to check things using counting. Example: check something 1, 2, 3 times. Look away. Check once. Variations on that depending on what I'm checking. What I mentioned is moderate so that would be checking that my phone is on silent. With locking a door, it's more like: 1. Pull the handle three times. 2. Push the latch in 9 times, look away. Push once more. 3. Pull the handle once. 4. Push the latch 3 times, look away. Push once more. So, it's bad. That's a tiny element of it all. I think that is connected to addiction, one of the many things fuelling it.

There's the depression with suicidal ideation, that I've always used drugs to escape from. The social anxiety. List goes on.

Some will say that addiction has fuelled all these things, usually people who have no clue. I believe it's the other way round, that all this creates a need for addiction.

Oh, moo...I write stuff like that and realise how much my life needs improving. What's the point? =(

These touch so close to home with me it gives me chills.... I don't know if I would shut up if I start talking about my issues so i wont right now... but thank you both especially, and everyone.. for sharing

 

[Hammerblow]

@Hammerblow

If your GP takes you off your benzo cold turkey, after a longer term of usage (more than a few weeks), then basically he is gambling with your life or at least you general well-being. I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but you should definitely leave that irresponsible douchebag, and get a new doc.

Unfortunately it's becoming more the rule than the exception. So you could change docs or even practices but once they've decided they've decided. You aren't going to change many minds, unfortunately. It's sad that it's not mandatory that every GP that puts you on a benzo isn't mandated to then set up a proper tapering regime to get you back to where you were or even better. 

 

[Guest]

@Hammerblow I'm somewhat thankful, that in the US, the docs are somewhat competitive with each other, especially private practices, so if my doc would be an idiot at place X, I'd just go to place Y, and doc Y would be like "doc X is an idiot, here's what you need to do" - and would give me some valium with a calendar how to taper off. Probably doc Z at place Z would be like, "just stay on it, if it's working". 

It's weird here. If you watch a lot of American movies, they are always like "well I want a second opinion", which is half joking, but it's how it works in real life too. That's how I finally got my Bipolar diagnosis with the right treatment, after misdiagnosed by 3 different doctors with Chronic Depression. No wonder, none of their meds worked...

 

[Solid Snoop]

Total opposite here 99% of the time. "Dr x said no so I can't give you them".

I thankfully now have a very good doctor but it has taken me 13 years for someone to believe that I have chronic pain despite my age and severe anxiety that comes and goes. I went in with a years worth of chiropractor, physio and acupuncture receipts to show I want help, not just to sit there and pop pills.

I get what I need in medication but have to pay privately for the rest of my treatment as the NHS is either medicine or "let's open you up and tinker with your spine and hope we don't paralyse you in the process!"

I have private health care but the "complementary therapy" allowance each year is about 6 sessions. I see a chiropractor every single week just to stay stable. I do my own physio in the gym as physio is basically showing you how to help yourself. Acupuncture is a once a month gig. Pricey if you go to someone who does it right but it is well worth the money. A simple tip: if you have back pain and they try to.stick needles in your back, put your shirt back on and walk out. There are a lot of fakes out there. The needles are never put in the area of pain. That's not how it works.

 

[Conceited]

I'm virtually t-total too and have to say it feels good. @PTFC gave me a massive wake up call one day. I was supplementing my benzo habithe with alpss and we all know how short the half life is. He said this:" what I'd you have an accident, end up in hospital and they have no idea youre on a massive amount of alpzz." My answer was, I'd die. Little food for thought for people that are taking benzos and aren't prescribed any by a doc. If you are prescribed at least some yeah you will feel shitty but at least you will get some. What if you are unconscious for days and you go into major withdrawal and they don't have a clue about your habit? That helped me chose to get help. It wasn't the only reason but it sure helped. I'm forever grateful to @PTFC for that little chat.

I would probably not tell the hospital what I had taken if I was asked what i'm on. I had an accident on the weekend, all I took was my normal  bnz dose and some m3thdon, nothing that was OTT. Because I wasn't coherent , more so because of the accident and shock. A friend who took me to hospital tolfd triage what I had used that day and about being bnz dependent.  And because of that I got treated differently then someone who would of been  taking  dr prescribed meds

 Got sent home with antibiotics and no pain meds. Had to go to dr to ask for pain medication next working day, and they were reluctant because of my 0p8 history. After explaining the severity of pain and injury  they gave in and gave me something, which is useless 

It seems like the right thing say, but if your going to be treated differently because someone thinks your an addict is it worth it.         

 

[Solid Snoop]

I can empathise with that sentiment a lot... It's a really depressing thought, as well as a scary one, that for the rest of our lives they'll be a demanding voice in our heads, whispering, saying, sometimes shouting, 'do it'.

I've been able to kick individual things, like alchohol and smoking (although I still use high nicotine e-cigarettes), but there's always been another substance to 'make up for it'... I see op!@tes as being my base blanket, and other substances are cozy cushions strewn across it. And below the base blanket there's just a hard, cold surface of sobriety. I've sort of given up on the idea of getting rid of it all... which is why I respect your efforts a lot (seriously, I do).

How fast are your reductions in the taper again? I know very little on Benzzoh WD I'm afraid, so I can't exactly advise much... Just be careful not to 'swap' addictions. Sorry if you already knew that, which I'm sure you did, I think that's just such an easy trap to fall into.

This. I'll never be fully "clean". I won't go into why but I reckon I will be on/off opioids forever. I don't drink and once I'm off benzos I'm off for good.

Tramadol is my wonder drug as it helps with my physical pain, my mood, activity levels, focus etc. I take regular breaks to keep tolerance at safe levels but I do not intend on quitting. Pretty funny when I think about it. One of the reasons I started benzos was to help ease tram withdrawals! Not the main reason though. Anxiety and just another substance to play with if I'm totally honest.

I would probably not tell the hospital what I had taken if I was asked what i'm on. I had an accident on the weekend, all I took was my normal  bnz dose and some m3thdon, nothing that was OTT. Because I wasn't coherent , more so because of the accident and shock. A friend who took me to hospital tolfd triage what I had used that day and about being bnz dependent.  And because of that I got treated differently then someone who would of been  taking  dr prescribed meds

 Got sent home with antibiotics and no pain meds. Had to go to dr to ask for pain medication next working day, and they were reluctant because of my 0p8 history. After explaining the severity of pain and injury  they gave in and gave me something, which is useless 

It seems like the right thing say, but if your going to be treated differently because someone thinks your an addict is it worth it.         

It is if your life is in danger which, at my highest doses it 110% was. I was on 4 different benzos at crazy doses. Alps, kpins, at1v@n and Diaz at super doses was dicing with death just taking them nevermind going cold turkey.

 

[Conceited]

@Solid Snoop Its your choice if you tell or not. Going of what you said in your last comment it probably is a good idea to tell them.  I suppose it depends what reason someone has to go to hospital. In my case I didn't think it was necessary. 

I would hope that if I ever was out for a few day or weeks in hospital someone who I know would tell dr what i'm on.  

 

[PTFC]

That's a fair summing up @Conceited there's times I would say it's appropriate to say so, and other instances where I'd zip it. Worst case scenario though, is the one I described to snoop, involved in an accident, fall, car, emergency operation, hell even a fight. Getting emergency treatment could kill you if they have no idea what's in your system. I know the chances are slim, but it made an impression on me when I thought about it. 

 

[Kalsima]

God this is such a good thread. I could relate to every post in one way or another. And @Marshmallowmayhem your story was so honest and human I was in tears. Congratulations on your year of sobriety! As about going to the ER I learned the hard way about lying to the doctors about my 180 mg methadone habit at the time. I had an IV drip in and the nurse said she was giving something for pain. I forget what it was for the life of me but it had to be agonist/antagonist like talwin. The last thing I remember was telling my husband I was going to die and told him I loved him. I had a minor stroke and went out when my husband told them I was on methadone they were working on getting my blood pressure down from close to 200. They told me that it could have killed me so I'm a lot more honest now when I have to be even though they treat me like crap! I'm always a KDA (known drug addict) so I rarely go to the ER cause I know I'm going home with ibuprofen, if I'm lucky!

 

[Poppyseed123]

This thread is a powerful wake-up call for me! I have listed on my cell "emergency info" what I'm taking on a reg basis (ain't pretty) should i be in accident (car, I guess or other??)  but dh does not know/or forgets --when I remind him lol.... my fam/kids dunno, of my habits and he is way older than me!! Something else to be freaked out about --- that is always having a back up stash (no raiding!; what about a month's worth?); prep for acute w/d in the face of: earthquakes, fires, and of course vendors going awol (as I'm doing now first time in multiple years..)  Anyhow, I digress.....this conversation, thank you all above, should be taken seriously; could save a life. Oh and I know all about being treated like total shite (both RN's and MD's) when admitting to any kind of past rehab/therapy. U.S.  has a long way to go to get off the Calvinistic wagon of shaming for pure superiority sake...

Peace all

Poppy