death

[greggy]

what do you do when you lose your mom and dad a two brothers in one year?  I hhave not even started grieving for my dad when my brother john died then my mom and then eddie.

where do I put it all where do you start?

 

[2earls]

That's tough @greggy. I had a similar time in my life where I lost my mom, my best friend  (and ex husband ), and then my adopted mom. The one who really wrecked me was my best friend because it was sudden and unexpected.

There's no magic way to recover from grief. Only time makes it easier to accept and adjust to life without them.

I still miss them and think of them all the time, but the tears are few and far apart now after 5 years.

I'm very sorry for your tremendous loss. I know it's a chiche, but take it one day at a time and try to honor them with how you live your life.

 

[DippityDoo]

what do you do when you lose your mom and dad a two brothers in one year?  I hhave not even started grieving for my dad when my brother john died then my mom and then eddie.

where do I put it all where do you start?

How does one even find the strength to breathe again, let alone absorb the immeasurable losses you've suffered?  The scope of your loss sounds to me like the equivalent of an entire family devastated by war.  I've heard reports from those grieving such losses that grief counseling really can help survivors, and were I in your tender shoes, I'd start looking for a good grief counselor post haste.

Ignoring grief won't make it go away.  Rage at the loss can sometimes help you get out of bed, but the rage soon becomes self-destructive.  Grief can be paralyzing.  Grief can make us reject love for fear of being hurt so terribly again.

Just last week I heard a quote from Queen Elizabeth:  "Grief is the price we pay for love."  She's right.  Would any of us give up all the time we had with those we've loved in order not to be deeply wounded by their death?  Me personally, the answer is no. 

I am so deeply sorry for your unfathomable losses.  I wish for you all the support and comfort you'll require on this journey.

 

[greggy]

thank you for excellent words people. I don't want to sound creepy but a lot of the time I feel blank just like a hole where they were and I am still picking up the phone to call or email and it just feels somehow like I am a ghost. it happened so fast, first my dad and then I was reallyworried for mom [married over fifty years] and I hear a lot of time couples go soon after one goes but she seemed to be doing a little better when we found out john had bladder cancer but he had his operation and was gone in 3 weeks my mom lasted a month after and then eddie got killed. it sounds like something from a movie. I have lost others but over time and I was more prepared?? but even though my dad was 100 years old I still wasn't as ready as I thought but where are the tears why cant I cry am I bad am I messed up

 

[Jools]

I too lost my 2 eldest brothers and parents in an incredibly short time and I went through some incredibly tough times. Paying for Roman Catholic burials and the funerals, headstones etc made it so much worse. It feels like the world has kicked you to the ground and then taken a shit on you to boot. 

I didn't even think of bereavement counselling as I was supposedly the hard one but it's taken 7 years for me now to be able to think of the good times. I argued with my brothers and was estranged when they died from prolonged crack n smack use. To be brutally honest, I hated them at the time of passing but I miss them so much. We may not have been talking but I knew they were there. 

There is no hard & fast rules on being able to deal with this but I've learned to live WITH this and am now starting to feel it's ok for me to live again. 

Wishing you all the very best and giving my sincere condolences 

 

[DippityDoo]

my dad was 100 years old I still wasn't as ready as I thought but where are the tears why cant I cry am I bad am I messed up

That happens a whole lot more often than you'd think.  Sometimes the lack of tears can be due to shock and numbness.  Sometimes lack of tears is due to the relationship with the dad.  If a father was always absent or was present but cruel or indifferent, tears may never come.  My pops died in 2010 and he was the scariest man I've ever known.  I did not cry for him until five years after his death.  And then there's some people who just can't or don't cry.  There is no requirement for tears when coping with death. 

I promise that you are not bad and not messed up because tears haven't come.  There's no formula to grief like they show on TV.  Find a free support group or friends you can talk to.  I still recommend a grief counselor or group for you; the percentage of family you've lost in such a short time is far beyond what any person can cope with alone.  At the very least, Google for accounts written by those who've suffered tremendous loss like yours and who've found a way to live again. 

You've only just begun working through tragedy, so be gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself, don't expect perfection of yourself and just keep taking one small step at a time.

 

[AngryBird]

@greggy the posters above have all given you good advice. I can honestly say I know how you feel. Recently lost my dad followed by his mom, my grandma, and my brother, who was killed before dad. I ended up raising my brother's 4 girls. My spouse and I have spent the past few months sitting with and caring for my best friend and his wife. He recently passed from bladder cancer and she has stage 4 lung cancer and a brain tumor and likely won't see Christmas. I still haven't been able to cry, but that's OK. I honor their lives by remembering the good times and try to live with few regrets. I have found that helping others when I can helps me too. My heart goes out to you. Reach out to friends and family you still have and make time for them. Do things that make you happy. I'm here for you. Many of us are. It does get better.