@Jackie Chiles my angel. @Smoka90 you know how much I adore you! And we have so much in common I'm so insecure also.
@aintnouse you don't know how much you made me feel like a better person,
@two @2earls for reminding me off the important things in life that I couldn't see,
@Back2Good who has helped me dealing with struggles with God.
@sociopathicbombshell Love you, you are such a beautiful person and you make me happy just reading you're post
@Bugatti making me laugh everyday which was rarely before i met you guys,
@Fargo you been with me for years!
@PTFC also for always being there for me. I'm finally able to writing part two. I've wrestled with it because I've only disclosed my life to two people but I've come to trust you and consider you my family since my crazy mother makes it impossible to have any relationship with my dad. I told others on the VIP section that she won't let me see my dad because she thinks we are having an affair!
Sorry so long but I'll try to make short. So anyways I move back to Cali remarry my husband after he said he missed me and couldn't be with anyone else because he missed me so much. I did ask if he ever got involved with that crackwhore again and assured me and promised on his life he would never hurt me. Not long after I moved back I started having female problems again. I asked my husband if he was with anyone that it was ok because we were divorced. He kept telling me no but his behavior was strange. I guess love is blind because I kept diagnosing myself for two years and buying drugs on the Internet. I finally got too the point I looked in his emails which I never have done before. There I found the same crackwhore named Tina blackmailing him for money not to tell me things.
I emailed her back and told her to leave my family alone. What I received back was a video of her and my husband having more intimate sex than he ever had with me! I believe I had a nervous breakdown because I honestly lost my mind and my heart was shattered. I couldn't understand how my husband could endanger my life yet again and lie about it and let me sit there for two years driving me crazy what was wrong with me. I have never heard of a man being so selfish to worry about getting caught than my life.
First of all I have only had sex with seven men all my life in committed relationships. I always practiced safe sex. I worked at an AIDS clinic so I knew prostitues were dangerous and shared that with my husband. Didn't he know that the first time he did that to me.
I immediately went to the doctors and was just kind of empty. I did everything right and still found out I had herpes and HPV. What was worse because my husband had no regard for my life not telling me to see a doctor for two and a half years is that they found cancerous cells in my cervix. The HPV had turned into cervical cancer. I had to go through chemo and radiation immediately and had a total hysterectomy. It's like it was a total whirlwind and I had no time to deal with his lies and betrayal. He promised me to protect me when we remarried.
I tried with my husband to make it work but I just couldn't get over what he did to me. To his credit he has become a new man trying everything he could do to make it work. He helped me and stood by me during my cervical cancer and was wonderful.
So now I struggle with major trust issues. I swear my heart still feels like it's been shattered in a million pieces and just can't be fixed. To this day the hurt and pain he caused me is so unbearable. I can't handle it that's why I think I turn to cocaine. By the way I was a heroin addict and always hated cocaine.,I guess it my mind I wasn't worth a $5.00 crack whore so why not be one, without the sex part. I started shooting cocaine which is very dangerous for me. I have a pig valve in my heart keeping me alive after almost dying from endocarditis which kept me in the hospital for two months. It's safe to say I have no business shooting cocaine because my heart is not in great condition to be doing that. I have attempted suicide 5 times only to be brought back with multiple shots of narcan. I have been in and out of psychiatry wings of hospitals.
Mostly
@Smoka90 and others I deal with insecurity all the time. I look in the mirror and don't see the beautiful girl I used to be. I just see myself as a disease. I feel so ugly on the inside and outside and I feel I'm unloveable and feel like damaged goods. My self esteem and self worth is gone. To make everything worse this girl Tina would send other videos while I was going through all of this. Yes I blocked her but she would make fake accounts from my Facebook friends to send to me. And no I stay away from Facebook and all other social media sites. This is the only place I post on and feel safe. It's the first time in my life that I feel like I can trust you guys. Everyone is so kind and I feel for once in my life I can share my story with all of you and not be judged.
Recently I found out my ex has stomach cancer and let him move back to me. This is when I started relapsing again. I had been clean for over a year. So I'm sure it has brought these feelings I ran from.
I just wanted you to know who I am. What I have gone through. Why I keep doing dangerous drugs and feel suicidal at times. It never felt like I would get better. But there is good news at the end of the story. I have talked to a few people that have told me more that has helped me than my psychiatrist has ever helped me. I am starting to see that these diseases don't define me as a person. I know I am a good person with a good heart. I don't want to keep destroying my body. My entire body arms and legs look like WWll! I guess I was damaging my body on the outside because of how I felt inside, ugly.
I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart how much all of you mean to me and everyone of you I value greatly. For the first time
@2earls and
@two @Jackie Chiles All told me how beautiful life was. I only concentrated or was obsessed with the negative side and feeling sorry for myself. I should be grateful I'm alive not what could have been. I told this on the VIP side, I have been taking walks with my son playing Pokemon Go, it's just our way of spending time together. Last night I cried or rather sobbed at all the beauty there is in the world. I was just so wrapped up with feeling sorry for myself to see it. But I did, and for the first time I feel like a human being again. I know it's a process but it's a hell of a good start. I am sitting here crying with tears of joy and happiness this morning for meeting some of the best friends I could have ever met! I love you guys!
U all
