Met My Boyfriend on DBG

[Bloom]

I met my boyfriend on DBG about five years ago (both from Georgia). We were exclusive right from the start...and lived together for the entire time. About six months after we met, he asked for my help in finding a doctor to prescribe Adderall and clonazepam so he could get off research chemicals and have an honest go. In August of 2015, he had both meds prescribed to him from a physician in Atlanta. Now, fast forward to June 2019. We moved in with a friend of mine who is a daily pot smoker and naturally we both started smoking. LOL! I enjoyed sitting on the back deck on a beautiful summer evening relaxing and smoking with friends ~ but my boyfriend literally became obsessed with marijuana. Within weeks he was a daily smoker and within a couple months he was almost always high.

It was mid summer when I learned he started weaning from his prescription Adderall and Clonazapam. He tried to stave off withdrawals with weed, though there was no consultation with his physician. Some days were rough but he managed through it. In hindsight, I wish he had stayed on his Rx. When he wasn’t high he was irritable and when he was high, he was totally withdrawn. At least on the meds he was always present.

Our relationship really began to suffer in September/October because of how much he smoked. I didn’t nag, it just became clear to me he lost some key traits I deeply valued when he was high. That said, December was one of our best months together in 2019. And I hate to say it, but I think it’s because he fell ill twice and couldn’t (didn’t want to) get high. He was so loving, appreciative and kind! Once he began smoking again (12/26) ~ he retreated back into a withdrawn state. A few days later he started an argument about my ex-spouse (who refused to let me have custody of our daughters during an off day so I could take them to Volta). It escalated into unnecessary emotional drama (on my end, LOL)...and after days of not talking I asked him if we were broken up. He was super high and simply nodded yes. 

He left January 3rd and hasn’t texted, called or communicated with me since. He’s living in his vacant childhood home (his parents recently moved to another state). I guess my question for you is, what impact, if any, did the Rx and marijuana have on his decision making process? I feel like marijuana blunts my emotional reasoning (just not sure if that’s me ~ or a common side-effect). I really want him back in my life but feel I can’t compete with his new mistress ~ Ms. Marijuana. 

Thoughts?

 

[flow3r]

Hello from another Georgian! I'm not sure if I comprehend the situation completely. I don't know if Rx and marijuana are substitutes for a significant other (especially a 5 years old one!). I would never certainly leave my SO just to smoke weed more. That said... I supposed you tried to reach out to him to just talk? And if he began smoking heavily suddenly, I suppose he was going through some rough patches. I myself have a full time job while doing part time masters and it definitely takes time and heart away from my relationship. Sometimes life is just way too much and I wish for some time-out - which makes me to think of a song called "Hard to say I'm sorry" by Chicago. Anyhow, hope you come to peace with whatever the outcome may be!

 

[Bloom]

Thanks for reaching out to a fellow Georgian! I think you’re correct that most people who start smoking weed don’t just abandon a five year relationship to go self isolate and get high...or at least I hope not. LOL! I What I’m trying to understand is whether weed is clouding his assessment of me or our relationship. He won’t take my calls or respond to text messages, but he’s come to my home on three occasions to smoke with my roommate (who he doesn’t really care for). I was out of town every time but the first visit in January was a massive smoke session and he crashed in my bed. Second visit in February he had been on a T break and had a terrifying weed induced panic attack (paramedics arrived, etc.). And in March he visited but was smoking from a vape. It was the last visit I found the most curious. He appeared very confident and said he was quitting his job because he thought it was the underlying cause of his panic attack. He’s a 32-yo dog walker. 

Ending a five year relationship, moving into your vacant childhood home, then quitting your job sounds like three erratic choices for a completely sober person to make. I’m trying to figure out if being high has affected his judgment.

 

[LunaLovegood]

Sorry to hear you’re going through that! 
 

My 2 cents is that while being high all the time is most certainly not helping his judgement, it’s probably not the driving cause behind his behavior, but rather another symptom or effect. Whatever is causing it must be something else. You didn’t mention what the adderal and clonazepam were prescribed for, but that and his previous use of research chems makes me wonder if there is some underlying mental illness he has been self-medicating to treat. Especially the way you describe the mj replacing the prescription drugs; sounds like he found a new crutch. 
 

But even mental illness is no excuse for the way he is treating you. To completely cut you off and refuse to even talk to you is quite frankly inexcusable. After five years he owes you an explanation at least. To blame it on the marijuana is to excuse him from moral responsibility for his shitty behavior. I’m sorry to have to say this, but given his behavior I don’t see that there’s anything you can do except try to move on. I don’t see how he’s left you with any other options. Sadly, his actions send a pretty clear message as to where his priorities are.

Take care. 

 

[Bloom]

@LunaLovegood

That’s an amazing sense of intuition! When we met 5-years ago he admitted seeing multiple psychiatrists for schizoid personality, though he refused treatment. I should also mention he’s classic INTP personality type and very introverted. That aside, his mom has always told me he has a mental health issue that he tries to manage through self-medicating and I just have this sense that coming off Adderall (prescribed for ADD) and clonazepam (prescribed for anxiety) triggered a dormant mental health condition. There’s also been several bouts of vomiting, dry heaving, migraines, panic attacks ~ all new symptoms that started (and persisted) after stopping his Rx and smoking marijuana.

I really appreciate your honest feedback about moving on. Why would I want to help someone who treated me so cruelly during and after our breakup. It’s seriously distressing to be ghosted by your partner of five years ~ especially since he never told me why he wanted to end our relationship. It’s hard not to feel bitter and hurt. But, I’m a bleeding heart and don’t want any harm to come to him. It’s very draining to still care about someone who doesn’t care about themselves.

Nonetheless, thanks so much for your response!! It’s always helpful to receive objective advice. 

 

[LunaLovegood]

@Bloom I’m glad if I helped at all. As for my “intuition”, well it helps that I have experience with both addiction and mental illness, hehe. A lot of folks here on this forum can relate I’m sure. 
 

Honestly, as shitty as his behavior has been, I don’t blame you one bit for wanting to help him. I would never have gotten off heroin if my boyfriend hadn’t refused to give up on me, even after much lies & bullshit, even when I didn’t want to help myself. But the key thing is I was always willing to talk with him, and work with him and make compromises. I wouldn’t get clean for myself, but I would at least make baby steps in that direction(getting on methadone, gradually cutting back on how much h I was using) to avoid losing him until I finally quit for good.

Anyway, his behavior is inexcusably shitty, no doubt about it. But it also doesn’t give you much of an opening to help him. Can’t help someone if they won’t let you. 
 

You sound like a good, caring person. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully you have good friends to help support you through what I’m sure is a tough time. Take care of yourself

 

[2earls]

@Bloom I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you and your love story. I'm sorry if it came to an end. I will read the details when my eyes are open.

 

[Bloom]

@Bloom I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you and your love story. I'm sorry if it came to an end. I will read the details when my eyes are open.

I totally, completely 100% remember you!! I’m so glad to learn you’re still active on DBG. You were literally right there at the beginning when we met each other! And I remember how caring and supportive you were when my bf was going through benzo withdrawals. You were our favorite! 

I’d love for you to weigh in on how the end of our relationship played out. I’ve been an emotional wreck, and not having an end conversation plus being ghosted has caused so much additional stress. 

I’m so glad we’re connected again! 

 

[2earls]

@Bloom reading your story made me sad. I feel certain that there is more to his story than pot smoking.

For the first few years that my husband and I lived together he was a hard core pot head. He went so far as to smoke in the port-a-potties at work on a union, drug testing job. It didn't have so much of an impact on his personality because he had been high for years and it was his normal. But when it came down to marrying him, I just couldn't imagine walking down the aisle  (so to speak ) with someone who wasn't sober. 

He has been clean and sober almost 11 years and we will celebrate our 11th anniversary shortly thereafter. Was there a huge change in him after he quit? Not really. I suppose he became more reliable, but not much else that's notable.

That is why I think the changes in your man are more likely caused by what he isn't taking now than just the marijuana use. Maybe he really needs those meds to be his best self. No shame in that and I am curious why he wanted to stop taking them in the first place.

In any case it must be terrible for you to have so many unanswered questions. My guess is whatever happened had little to do with you and everything to do with how he's feeling about himself. Even if you didn't nag, just feeling a sense of disapproval or disappointment from our SO can be more than some can handle. 

Try to get on with your life as best you can. If his journey leads him back great, if not, it wasn't meant to be. 5 years is a long time and I am sure he is missing you too, but you can't put life on hold indefinitely while he "finds himself".

 

[Bloom]

Daww! 2earls ~ you’re the best! I can’t believe it’s been five years. And look at your awesome self...still sharing your kindness on DBG. No idea what anyone on this forum would do without you. 

I’m not even here to shop. I haven’t used any Rx meds for 18-months. Never thought I’d be able to stop taking meds...still suffer through insomnia every day/night ~ but better sleepy than addicted. I crutched on Benadryl for a year (plus), until I quit that, too. I just feel so much better without anything in my system.

Thanks for sharing the story about your ex-pothead husband. I had dreams about a smoke filled port-a-potty last night. LOL! It was the new port-a-party spot. 

Once in a while it’s just nice to hear from an old friend.