Not Sure How To Feel About This With My Husband

LOL @ Cat!

Sometimes I would like to launch him lately myself!

I don't think he is smoking, but I get suspicious when he spends time by himself on the porch.  The main reason I don't think he is smoking is because of the negative and belligerent attitude.

He says hurtful things, and he yells a lot more than he used to.  I am not accustomed or comfortable yelling back.  I am starting to tell him that when he behaves this way, it hurts my feelings.  However, that does not diffuse his anger.

He sometimes acts like I am doing absolutely nothing around here.  He is always sorry afterward but I still feel shaken up.

 
Hi Shaynagirl, you've got a good point.

If he's not smoking that could really explain the angry behavior.

I get shaken up when someone yells at me too, isn't that normal. My husband comes from a "yelling" family. His father has even yelled at me! My family, no yelling, so I do not find it normal.

When you are experiencing health problems,

the last thing you need is more stress.

The next time he yells just go slap a nicotine patch on him and walk away:)

 
2 earls:: Shew, I married into a yelling family too. Like instead of talking they scream at ya to the top of there lungs. At first I stayed hurt & very much confused until I learnt how they were. It's just "how" they are. Now when they do mean to yell well yea it' for sure hurts ones ears!

 
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Yeah, one time the father-in-law starts yelling at me and I say "really, there's no need to scream at me!".

Mother-in-law says "He's not yelling at you - his voice is just elevating".

I guess that's why she tolerates him "elevating" at her all the time!

 
I came from a very dysfunctional family were yelling was a precursor to violence. That is one reason I really don't like yelling because I can't function through it.

 
Same here. I grew up with soft inside voices....So going from that kind of environment to yelling n cursing every sentence took a MAJOR adjustment!!!

 
I still have not adjusted and doubt that I can.

Today my husband dropped something he needed behind a file cabinet. OMG the cursing and ranting from him! Even our big dog moved away from him and stuck to me like glue.

My husband finally settled down, thank goodness. Then he asked me why I was so tense! If I had said it was because his behavior, he would get upset all over again and make it worse for me. So I just said I didn't know why I was anxious.

 
It took several years before I could adjust... Now, I just look over it. & I'll admit sometimes when I'm frustrated I start to join them. He he

 
shaynagrl said:
I still have not adjusted and doubt that I can.

Today my husband dropped something he needed behind a file cabinet. OMG the cursing and ranting from him! Even our big dog moved away from him and stuck to me like glue.

My husband finally settled down, thank goodness. Then he asked me why I was so tense! If I had said it was because his behavior, he would get upset all over again and make it worse for me. So I just said I didn't know why I was anxious.
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I feel for you Shaynagirl life is tough enough without added stress. I am lucky that my husband

was able to change. He used to have big yelling fights with me and his parents. I used to get sucked into it too. Finally took a look at myself and saw myself "sinking" down to meet him rather than rising above and setting a better example. Now on the rare occasions that he reverts to his old ways I just came say "I will not tolerate that and if you continue I will leave" and if I have to I do.

I know if your sick you don't always have that option. Good luck, I wish the best for you.

2E

 
I can't comment on your relationship with your husband, since I don't know you. From what I gather in this thread, yelling certainly doesn't sound good, but there are different kinds of people: While I never would allow myself to yell, I now guys who start shouting and bitching about some trivial issues. Those reactions aren't directed at their s.o. but are rather just a way for them to release some steam. Their outbursts do not represent any anger issues or aggressive behaviour but are simply a more unorthodox version of breathing a sigh.

However, I also do know an example where yelling and verbal fighting resulted in abuse and later on violence...

I feel much more confident to talk about the smoking issue, though. Being a smoker, who knows a ton of other smokers, I can tell you that the nicotine addiction is extremely hard to kick. I personally think about how much I hate myself nearly everytime I light a cig. Still, I just can't seem to be able to stop. I have had at least 3 dozens of half-assed attempts to quit in the past 12 months... I know 6-7 people who quit for a significant amount of time (6-9 months), but they all went back to smoking. Some of them managed to cut their smoking in half or even more, but none managed to stop completely.

What I'm trying to say, is that chances are your husband hates lying to you and feels really bad about smoking, but does not have the courage to talk to you about his problem.

Oh, how I wish I never started smoking...

 
Hey I just wanted to chime in. I quit smoking once with an e cig. It worked for a few weeks until I bummed a few real ones. Then I purchased 1 pack, thinking it would last a few weeks. 1.5 days later I bought another pack and haven't quit since. I used to smoke marijuana and cigarettes, then just marijuana, now just cigarettes. I have really thought about quitting, but just do not want to at the moment. Stupid me, ya I know. For the last 2 years I have been working a new job where I am around lots of saw dust 6 days a week ( yes believe it or not I do have a job). I have noticed my breathing is not the best on somedays due to my occupational exposure. I am considering going back to the ecig. I think it is bullshit that insurance companies consider an ecig as smoking. If you are on the patch or chew the gum you will STILL fail the nicotine test which is messed up too. I do not drink alcohol, but I smoke. I know of a lot of 12pack a day people who are not penalized on their premiums. Alcohol abuse can lead to catastrophic health issues just like smoking but it is socially accepted and the insurance companies and employers seem to turn their head at this behavior. (Off topic but..) As an employer, who do you think would be more productive: an employee who smoked half a pack the night before or an employee who drank half a case?

 
peanut said:
Hey I just wanted to chime in. I quit smoking once with an e cig. It worked for a few weeks until I bummed a few real ones. Then I purchased 1 pack, thinking it would last a few weeks. 1.5 days later I bought another pack and haven't quit since. I used to smoke marijuana and cigarettes, then just marijuana, now just cigarettes. I have really thought about quitting, but just do not want to at the moment. Stupid me, ya I know. For the last 2 years I have been working a new job where I am around lots of saw dust 6 days a week ( yes believe it or not I do have a job). I have noticed my breathing is not the best on somedays due to my occupational exposure. I am considering going back to the ecig. I think it is bullshit that insurance companies consider an ecig as smoking. If you are on the patch or chew the gum you will STILL fail the nicotine test which is messed up too. I do not drink alcohol, but I smoke. I know of a lot of 12pack a day people who are not penalized on their premiums. Alcohol abuse can lead to catastrophic health issues just like smoking but it is socially accepted and the insurance companies and employers seem to turn their head at this behavior. (Off topic but..) As an employer, who do you think would be more productive: an employee who smoked half a pack the night before or an employee who drank half a case?
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You probably know, but some of the newer ecigs, really are the business, I first used one a few years back when they were really just batteries and cartridges that looked like cigarettes. In all honesty they just didn't replace the real thing. Earlier this year I spent a few pounds on some quality kit, batteries, cartomisers, extra coils etc, and found some good quality liquids, which I prefer to be non tobacco flavour, apart from the famous "ry4" flavour with its mild tobacco base and lovely sweet flavour. Best thing I ever done. I was a late starter to cigs, started about 22/23, was very active up until then, boxed frequently, football âš½,RN service and the like. If you have the inclination, get out there and do a little research on the latest gear if you haven't already. Gimme a pm if necessary, I really cannot see past them.
 
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  8. LW815 @ LW815: Was nodding in/out the entire time writing those shouts and spparently was fully out sending the last one lol. But II find it ‘uplifting’ as two people I’ve never actually met and only know the others online presence through subscriptions, who I have a better chance of getting a handy J from Jesus Christ himself, both were so quick to share their own experience and wise words and assurances that things will look up and not to feel guilty or be mad at somebody for going that route - as you never
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  12. LW815 @ LW815: Sent a simple conf email and I just dropped a ball on them. I really just needed to let it out, didn’t expect them to reply in such a thoughtful way that it drastically changed the rest of my day and mindset for the bette . Above and beyond - and the last night while chatting with another that I knew had at least once one child,, so i wished them a belated happy Father’s Day, which again caused me to spill it all to them and again received the most thoughtful and kind response, as well as their-
  13. LW815 @ LW815: They didn’t need to. They could have just continued on with the nature or the main purpose of what the relationship between us is, I didn’t really have anybody else to let it out to at the time and they both went far beyond what I’d expect. Not that I’d assumed they’re cold/A-holes - it was just a lot from somebody who’s technically a competent stranger. A very close friend of mine committed suicide on Father’s Day and iwas emotionally wrecked witih nobody to talk to, and the first author just
  14. LW815 @ LW815: @Mokachin0 not really uplifting in the normal sense, but two popular authors on here took the time out of their likely very busy days to not only read my massive walls of text, but both also replied with the most kind, thoughtful and positive responses when I randomly dumped my personal problems into their laps
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