So, I'm Getting A Divorce

[jadakaii]

I haven't been around in months, but I wanted to come back to get some support.  I had a cyst removed from my ovary which prompted me to do a deep search and find your site.

So, I was looking for D1llies because they were the only pill that didn't make me puke.  Well, after having a heart to heart with my doc, he's agreed to give me 10 a month (which is all I need anyway) to help with menstrual pain.  Throughout all of this, my husband was great.

Now, a couple of weeks ago, I was doing hardcore intensity training, and I pulled a muscle in my abdomen.  Didn't think much of it until I sneezed.   I thought I was being stabbed.

Went to the ER and they found two more cysts.  I was crying like a child--I couldn't believe it.  My darling husband was super supportive and was going to come to my place up here (we've been living a part while I earn my degree) within two days,  The next day, I followed up with my gyn and I told him to just take the damned ovary-hell, I wasn't even 4 months post op.  I told my husband as I was walking out of the office, and he begins screaming at me about having kids and how important it is to him.  I know that losing an ovary does not mean I can't have kids, but I asked him how he would feel if we kept trying to conceive and it didn't work.  He said that his life would not be fulfilled, and then commenced yelling.  I hung up and I didn't speak to him by phone until I was post-op.  He texted me a couple times, but I feel like you cannot unsay something like that.  He was an abusive tyrant anyway and it wasn't until I put the kibosh on our relationship that I realized I was in prison.

I'm a counselor, and I have clients who go through this, and I help them the best way I can.  I help them GET OUT.  Why did this happen to me?  How did I let this happen?

My husband wants me back (after much name-calling and pointing of fingers).  I said no, had my surgery, my parents came, took his stuff and his dog (I love her so much and he does not take proper care of her).  They just left today, and I don't know how to feel.  I know I should go with the flow and accept that I will be sad.  I'm not so much sad as I am angry with myself for putting myself in this situation. I swore I would never get married, and I swore I would never have children.  I told my husband BEFORE we got married.  I don't know what to do.  Maybe I needed to vent.  I just wish I hadn't done this.  I wish I was better health-wise.  At the same time, I do recognize that this was probably a good thing--this would have come out sooner or later, but damn.  I had major surgery (again) for the second time in 4 months--the only other surgery I've had was getting the girls done.  I can't believe that he would be that way while knowing how screwed up I was when I heard the news.

I hate him, but I don't. But I do.

 

[mrwiggums]

I'm sorry to hear about everything. Sometimes it's easy to get yourself into situations that you see other people in and you wonder how they got into it. When you're in the drivers seat everything looks differently, you have a different view as compared to seeing the road trip from a map. Without the whole overview you can easily overlook signs, or take a detour and completely go around them. Either way we're here for you. And I hope everything starts getting brighter. €:

 

[thor]

Hi Jadakaii, the most important thing right now is to concentrate on yourself, and heal your body. Without your health everything looks darker and maybe worse than what it is. Maybe after a bit of time passes he will understand or at least accept the fact that it's your body and you did was was best for you.If not, well than it's his problem not yours. He seems to think more about himself than you and what you just went through.IMO.

If he can't take care of a dog what's he going to do with a child?(see if you can get her back)

Take care and feel better.

 

[dave2002]

What thor said x2! Get well again!

 

[njb484]

Whenever I have gone through something negative in my life I've learned it helps to view it as a life lesson. Figure out what you have learned from this relationship so you will not repeat it in the future. Don't beat yourself up. As you work through this sad time in your life you are learning new coping skills, try to see the positive.

You have gone through two major life events in a short amount of time so time to heal and take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

 

[jadakaii]

Thanks guys. I'm better today. I'm trying to focus on positive things right now. I'm just staying in bed trying to recover...I've been running around like I haven't had surgery or something. Time to do me, and chill out. Screw him, I think I did all my grieving during the relationship. I can't find tears, but I'm prepared for it.

 

[Barada]

Yelling at you while you just walked out of the office to find out you're having major surgery is completely inexcusable. It's extremely selfish. And Thor has a great point...  if he can barely take care of his dog, he's going to have one hell of a time with a child. Us men are moronic creatures.... one minute the thought of having children is not on the table.... then you hit this mid-life, or pre-mid-life crisis and you realize you do want them. He acted like a child, he was extremely selfish when you needed his support...  I don't know you more than from what you posted, but I hope you aren't doing anything brash by getting a divorce.... they're such ugly things. But I'm sure you have put a great deal of enomous thought into it, and hell, you're a counselor....  your hindsight will be clearer than most people's.

But bottom line, if he wants kids, and you do not...... I don't see how it would ever work for you guys.

My step-father pestered my mom for years to have kids (she had me at age 16 btw and did NOT want to have another one)... he never spoke a word of kids for the first 10 years of their marriage, and then he hit the mid-life crisis and for the next 5 years constantly pestered her to have children. He passed away 10 years ago, but I wonder what would have happened had he not. Would they have split over that, or would she have given in. Her tubes were tied as well, so it would have required surgery just to get pregnant again.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this, but you know you have a support system, and you know what to for yourself best.. hell, you're a counselor.

Best of luck to you Jad, I hope what you want works out for you, because what you want comes first!

 

[nickiean]

I am so sorry you're going through all this. Take the time to heal your body & you're heart. Sometimes the hard times help us appreciate life down the road. God may have a greater plan for you. The absolute worse time in my life ended up teaching me my best life lesson. Just take it day by day. Lean on you're support system & it will get better.

 

[jadakaii]

Once again it's been a while, but I've decided to go through the divorce. At first he was such an ass about it, but now he knows it's so seriously over--he's, in his words, defeated. I never cried since I made my decision. I think it was the best one I made in my entire life. I'm happy and healthy...surgery was strangely a breeze. Thanks for all the support!

 

[Guest]

Thatis wonderful newsjadakil!

 

[STARBOYBLU]

@JADAKAII,QUESTION WHAT ABOUT THE VOWS U "BOTH" TOOK IN MARRIAGE.........ITS NEVER 2 LATE 2 FORGIVE AND LOVE AGAIN RGT? DO U REALLY WANNA "TAKE A BOW" & GET IT OVER WITH...?

AND HOW LONG HAVE U BEEN MARRIED? DO U REALIZE THE WORDS U SPOKE AND "SWORE" BY, HAVE CURSED UR MARRIAGE & CONCEPTION WHEN U TOLD HIM, "I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED I WILL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN", IM JUST STATE'N MY POV SINCE U SHARED U WRK AS A COUNSELOR & R MATURE 2 GET SUM FEED BACK. IM A PROBLEM SOLVER 2 SO ITS JUST ME OUT OF THE "BOX"!

BEST WISHES....SBB

 

[jadakaii]

Not to get graphic here, but when your husband who weighs 215 lbs of muscle and slams your head and 115 lb body against a stove or pushes you by your head outside to slam on concrete is a broken vow. Let's not forget that he choked me to the point where I had to grab a kitchen knife and stab him in the shoulder. Those are the *only* instances of physical abuse, and the mental abuse when I was having emotional problems because of my hormonal state was even more horrible. I don't give a damn what I swore. God wouldn't want me to stay. God is a good God, right?

 

[Guest]

Thats right Jadakill! Noone is expected to hang around for more of that!

 

[STARBOYBLU]

DEAR @JADAKIAII GOD IS GOOD U R RGT HE LOVES U & CARES 4 UR HAPPINESS. I TRUELY HOPE U R SAFE FRM THAT COWARD,LET ME SPEAK WITH HIM, IM 6/2& 255LB SOLID MUSCLE MARINE AN WOULD LOVE 2 TAKE U ON A DATE WITH A REAL MAN WHO IS HUMBLE MEEK AN CONFIDENT.ID TREAT U LIKE THE LADY U R AN SHOW U THAT NOT ALL OF US R JERKS/A-HOLES. SO DROP THE ZERO AN GET WIT A HERO,SPEAK'N OF HERO ILL BE IN MIAMI FL 4 SPRING BREAK @ DA ULTRA MUSIC FEST 2015 IF YA WANNA GET 2GETHER 4 A LIL R&R....? /default_tongue.png

P.S. IF U LET ME B UR SUPERMAN I PROMISE I'LL BREAK ALL DA RULES......WIT YOU /default_biggrin.png!!!

STAYGOLD GIRL ~STARBOYBLU~ UR TERQUOISE TEASE....BLOW'N U A #BENZOKISS

 

[sciatac]

Not to get graphic here, but when your husband who weighs 215 lbs of muscle and slams your head and 115 lb body against a stove or pushes you by your head outside to slam on concrete is a broken vow. Let's not forget that he choked me to the point where I had to grab a kitchen knife and stab him in the shoulder. Those are the *only* instances of physical abuse, and the mental abuse when I was having emotional problems because of my hormonal state was even more horrible. I don't give a damn what I swore. God wouldn't want me to stay. God is a good God, right?

No, it's a two way contract, and too many women put up with physical and mental abuse and blame themselves. Good for you for having the courage to leave, and it takes courage - lots of admiration for you here!

 

[Jazie]

Not to get graphic here, but when your husband who weighs 215 lbs of muscle and slams your head and 115 lb body against a stove or pushes you by your head outside to slam on concrete is a broken vow. Let's not forget that he choked me to the point where I had to grab a kitchen knife and stab him in the shoulder. Those are the *only* instances of physical abuse, and the mental abuse when I was having emotional problems because of my hormonal state was even more horrible. I don't give a damn what I swore. God wouldn't want me to stay. God is a good God, right?

You definitely made the right decision.  Not only does he not deserve you, but he doesn't deserve children at this stage as you would not want your children to be subject to this behavior.  Sadly, even if he was to say "I'll change" and tried to make it up to you, without extended counseling it usually does not happen.

I think the telling words you wrote were that "you didn't even cry".  Stay strong and although I am new here people do care...

 

[Danie]

Once again it's been a while, but I've decided to go through the divorce. At first he was such an ass about it, but now he knows it's so seriously over--he's, in his words, defeated. I never cried since I made my decision. I think it was the best one I made in my entire life. I'm happy and healthy...surgery was strangely a breeze. Thanks for all the support!I

I'm glad to hear you are happy and healthy!  I think you made the right decision.  Domestic violence, 99% of the time, always escalates. .It takes extensive counseling to overcome & understand those violent tendencies.  His came out at a time when you were not well (bully!).  You mentioned in your other post, about hating him or do I? Probably what you hated was the situation he put you in. No one should live like that. Be thankful for your decision, it was a good one. Stay positive & be well.

 

[cherry]

You definitely made the right decision.  Not only does he not deserve you, but he doesn't deserve children at this stage as you would not want your children to be subject to this behavior.  Sadly, even if he was to say "I'll change" and tried to make it up to you, without extended counseling it usually does not happen.

I think the telling words you wrote were that "you didn't even cry".  Stay strong and although I am new here people do care...

so right on with what i wanted to say... 

good decision.  i hope the best for you, jadakaii. /default_smile.png  you may have some regrets and tough times ahead- but stay strong & stick to your guns- you'll be better off and find happiness again- someone who truly deserves you and treats you right. /default_wink.png

 

[jadakaii]

Thanks all of you!! I really feel so free. So relaxed for the first time in so long. I am so frigging happy I could jump for joy. Going to court in a few weeks...signed, sealed, and delivered!!