- Joined
- Aug 21, 2014
- Messages
- 1,039
Well fellow DBG members...
I am finally coming to the end of a very long, strange, uncomfortable, almost bittersweet journey...
As some of you know, almost 7 months ago I decided to take action against my quite frankly excessive and worrying (to me) Cl@naz3pam addiction... What started with an actual medical need to treat my various mental Maladies, ended up with an insatiable need to actually feel more than normal?.. That impossible and ever elusive 'state'...
Never once through my rapid upward journey did I feel 'higher' or 'happier', just still, better than I did without them?.. However, what I did get, was one massive fuck off tolerance for the little bastards!..
My intake had gotten so out of control, I was taking more pills in a day, than I was having cups of tea... And believe me when I say that, as an Englishman I have quite a few cups of tea in a day!...
At the peak of my tolerance, I had reached a steady 12mg daily... Up to 16mg when my back was against the wall so to speak!... This, also augmented with various different opi&tes at the same daily frequency...
So, one day, as I finally realised my life was slowly being taken over by the very thing that was my saviour (I am sure most of us can relate to that), I decided I needed a massive mental tidy!
So, after writing out and planning a very strict taper method, I set about my journey. It was to take a very gradual 6 months, from start to finish...
Now, don't get me wrong, my plan wasn't to stop them all together, my plan was to regain control of my situation... As it scared the living shit out of me how dependant I had become.. I think what scared me most, was the amount I was taking without feeling any different from when I took that first 1mg pill?... That fact alone, seemed totally illogical, but very, very real!...
So.... At first, I found it quite easy... But, this wasn't my first taper (yes, I am that stupid!) and I knew from experience that the bigger numbers are always easiest to eliminate... So, within 2 months I had got myself down to 6mg... However, I knew the hardest bit was still to come... At this point I switched to Diaz3pam, due to it's longer half life... Which meant, less frequent dosing and hopefully a smoother, less w/d riddled next stage... It took 3 more months for me to get down to 30mg Diaz3p@m (by this time, I had ceased taking Cl@naz3pam totally)....
These 3 months were shit!... Literally!.. Every drop I made brought on a series of mental & physical symptoms for the first 3 or 4 days... Extreme anxiety, panic attacks, nausea, twitching, hand tremors, severe bouts of apathy, insomnia and a near constant overwhelming feeling of dread.... But, as my body & brain adjusted to the new dose, the remaining 10 days, I felt better (I stayed on each dose for approx 2 weeks, before dropping again)... I didn't only feel better, I felt like I had stolen another little victory.. I was proud, I felt strong and resilient... It was almost liberating... This little moment of clarity always encouraged me to keep fighting and aiming for the next drop...
At 30mg I was ready to do my 'final descent' as I called it... My aim was 10mg....
It has taken another 2 months of exactly the same battles, although I would say, slightly more mentally tough this time? The physical symptoms weren't as bad... Still the usual tell tale signs of w/d's... Shaking, twitching, insomnia, but I'm finally here : )... 10mg, no more, no less... I am now in control of my addiction, whereas before it was well and truly in control of me!..
I am no different, better or worse than anyone else here.. I haven't shared this story for celebration (although I am quite proud of myself ; ))... It's my personal account of a common thread amongst all of us and without the support of many good friends I have made here, I wouldn't have had anywhere near the courage or resolve to do what I have done... And for that, I am truly thankful : )..
The hardest thing about w/d's and addiction is thinking you are alone... That's a terrifying thought when you are going through your own personal hell.... Just knowing that you are not, is one of the most comforting things in the entire world... And the best thing about a place like this, is you are never alone.. I have cried on many of your shoulders and asked for advice regularly (you know who you are). And I have the utmost respect for those people and also for the friends I have yet to meet here : )
I have shared this story because I think it's important that people know that no matter how 'fucked' you may think you are, there is always a way out... It's not easy and it's certainly not pleasant!.. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel!... It might take you months to find the bastard, but it's there!!..
In turn, I hope you all know that you are quite welcome to cry on my shoulder anytime you damn well please : )
Much love, hugs & mental tidiness
~P~
I am finally coming to the end of a very long, strange, uncomfortable, almost bittersweet journey...
As some of you know, almost 7 months ago I decided to take action against my quite frankly excessive and worrying (to me) Cl@naz3pam addiction... What started with an actual medical need to treat my various mental Maladies, ended up with an insatiable need to actually feel more than normal?.. That impossible and ever elusive 'state'...
Never once through my rapid upward journey did I feel 'higher' or 'happier', just still, better than I did without them?.. However, what I did get, was one massive fuck off tolerance for the little bastards!..
My intake had gotten so out of control, I was taking more pills in a day, than I was having cups of tea... And believe me when I say that, as an Englishman I have quite a few cups of tea in a day!...
At the peak of my tolerance, I had reached a steady 12mg daily... Up to 16mg when my back was against the wall so to speak!... This, also augmented with various different opi&tes at the same daily frequency...
So, one day, as I finally realised my life was slowly being taken over by the very thing that was my saviour (I am sure most of us can relate to that), I decided I needed a massive mental tidy!
So, after writing out and planning a very strict taper method, I set about my journey. It was to take a very gradual 6 months, from start to finish...
Now, don't get me wrong, my plan wasn't to stop them all together, my plan was to regain control of my situation... As it scared the living shit out of me how dependant I had become.. I think what scared me most, was the amount I was taking without feeling any different from when I took that first 1mg pill?... That fact alone, seemed totally illogical, but very, very real!...
So.... At first, I found it quite easy... But, this wasn't my first taper (yes, I am that stupid!) and I knew from experience that the bigger numbers are always easiest to eliminate... So, within 2 months I had got myself down to 6mg... However, I knew the hardest bit was still to come... At this point I switched to Diaz3pam, due to it's longer half life... Which meant, less frequent dosing and hopefully a smoother, less w/d riddled next stage... It took 3 more months for me to get down to 30mg Diaz3p@m (by this time, I had ceased taking Cl@naz3pam totally)....
These 3 months were shit!... Literally!.. Every drop I made brought on a series of mental & physical symptoms for the first 3 or 4 days... Extreme anxiety, panic attacks, nausea, twitching, hand tremors, severe bouts of apathy, insomnia and a near constant overwhelming feeling of dread.... But, as my body & brain adjusted to the new dose, the remaining 10 days, I felt better (I stayed on each dose for approx 2 weeks, before dropping again)... I didn't only feel better, I felt like I had stolen another little victory.. I was proud, I felt strong and resilient... It was almost liberating... This little moment of clarity always encouraged me to keep fighting and aiming for the next drop...
At 30mg I was ready to do my 'final descent' as I called it... My aim was 10mg....
It has taken another 2 months of exactly the same battles, although I would say, slightly more mentally tough this time? The physical symptoms weren't as bad... Still the usual tell tale signs of w/d's... Shaking, twitching, insomnia, but I'm finally here : )... 10mg, no more, no less... I am now in control of my addiction, whereas before it was well and truly in control of me!..
I am no different, better or worse than anyone else here.. I haven't shared this story for celebration (although I am quite proud of myself ; ))... It's my personal account of a common thread amongst all of us and without the support of many good friends I have made here, I wouldn't have had anywhere near the courage or resolve to do what I have done... And for that, I am truly thankful : )..
The hardest thing about w/d's and addiction is thinking you are alone... That's a terrifying thought when you are going through your own personal hell.... Just knowing that you are not, is one of the most comforting things in the entire world... And the best thing about a place like this, is you are never alone.. I have cried on many of your shoulders and asked for advice regularly (you know who you are). And I have the utmost respect for those people and also for the friends I have yet to meet here : )
I have shared this story because I think it's important that people know that no matter how 'fucked' you may think you are, there is always a way out... It's not easy and it's certainly not pleasant!.. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel!... It might take you months to find the bastard, but it's there!!..
In turn, I hope you all know that you are quite welcome to cry on my shoulder anytime you damn well please : )
Much love, hugs & mental tidiness
~P~