A Journey Of Light, Dark, Sadness And Hope...

Phrenicz

Phrenicz

V.I.P Member
V.I.P Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2014
Messages
1,039
Well fellow DBG members...

I am finally coming to the end of a very long, strange, uncomfortable, almost bittersweet journey...

As some of you know, almost 7 months ago I decided to take action against my quite frankly excessive and worrying (to me) Cl@naz3pam addiction... What started with an actual medical need to treat my various mental Maladies, ended up with an insatiable need to actually feel more than normal?.. That impossible and ever elusive 'state'...

Never once through my rapid upward journey did I feel 'higher' or 'happier', just still, better than I did without them?.. However, what I did get, was one massive fuck off tolerance for the little bastards!..

My intake had gotten so out of control, I was taking more pills in a day, than I was having cups of tea... And believe me when I say that, as an Englishman I have quite a few cups of tea in a day!...

At the peak of my tolerance, I had reached a steady 12mg daily... Up to 16mg when my back was against the wall so to speak!... This, also augmented with various different opi&tes at the same daily frequency...

So, one day, as I finally realised my life was slowly being taken over by the very thing that was my saviour (I am sure most of us can relate to that), I decided I needed a massive mental tidy!

So, after writing out and planning a very strict taper method, I set about my journey. It was to take a very gradual 6 months, from start to finish...

Now, don't get me wrong, my plan wasn't to stop them all together, my plan was to regain control of my situation... As it scared the living shit out of me how dependant I had become.. I think what scared me most, was the amount I was taking without feeling any different from when I took that first 1mg pill?... That fact alone, seemed totally illogical, but very, very real!...

So.... At first, I found it quite easy... But, this wasn't my first taper (yes, I am that stupid!) and I knew from experience that the bigger numbers are always easiest to eliminate... So, within 2 months I had got myself down to 6mg... However, I knew the hardest bit was still to come... At this point I switched to Diaz3pam, due to it's longer half life... Which meant, less frequent dosing and hopefully a smoother, less w/d riddled next stage... It took 3 more months for me to get down to 30mg Diaz3p@m (by this time, I had ceased taking Cl@naz3pam totally)....

These 3 months were shit!... Literally!.. Every drop I made brought on a series of mental & physical symptoms for the first 3 or 4 days... Extreme anxiety, panic attacks, nausea, twitching, hand tremors, severe bouts of apathy, insomnia and a near constant overwhelming feeling of dread.... But, as my body & brain adjusted to the new dose, the remaining 10 days, I felt better (I stayed on each dose for approx 2 weeks, before dropping again)... I didn't only feel better, I felt like I had stolen another little victory.. I was proud, I felt strong and resilient... It was almost liberating... This little moment of clarity always encouraged me to keep fighting and aiming for the next drop...

At 30mg I was ready to do my 'final descent' as I called it... My aim was 10mg....

It has taken another 2 months of exactly the same battles, although I would say, slightly more mentally tough this time? The physical symptoms weren't as bad... Still the usual tell tale signs of w/d's... Shaking, twitching, insomnia, but I'm finally here : )... 10mg, no more, no less... I am now in control of my addiction, whereas before it was well and truly in control of me!..

I am no different, better or worse than anyone else here.. I haven't shared this story for celebration (although I am quite proud of myself ; ))... It's my personal account of a common thread amongst all of us and without the support of many good friends I have made here, I wouldn't have had anywhere near the courage or resolve to do what I have done... And for that, I am truly thankful : )..

The hardest thing about w/d's and addiction is thinking you are alone... That's a terrifying thought when you are going through your own personal hell.... Just knowing that you are not, is one of the most comforting things in the entire world... And the best thing about a place like this, is you are never alone.. I have cried on many of your shoulders and asked for advice regularly (you know who you are). And I have the utmost respect for those people and also for the friends I have yet to meet here : )

I have shared this story because I think it's important that people know that no matter how 'fucked' you may think you are, there is always a way out... It's not easy and it's certainly not pleasant!.. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel!... It might take you months to find the bastard, but it's there!!..

In turn, I hope you all know that you are quite welcome to cry on my shoulder anytime you damn well please : )

Much love, hugs & mental tidiness

~P~

 
I'm so proud of you friend! You really stuck it out and I'm sure others will be encouraged, reading your story. I know that I am!

 
Congrats Phrenicz! That kicks ass...Thanks for sharing...

-YB

 
That is an amazing story... congratulations!!!  You are much braver than I as I took much longer and feared the w/d's so much that sometimes I would just shave a hair off a pill and stay at that amount for a month.  It is a great feeling of accomplishment when you get to your goal.  Well done!!

 
Just admitting that you had a problem took alot of courage. I had no idea how hard wds from that were until a close friend of mine explained it to me and I have seen her suffering so I know how hard this has been for you and im totally proud of you. I know there are many others on here going through the same thing and I pray that reading your story will give them the same encouragement and support they need to keep going and fight the good fight. Thank you so much for sharing with us as that takes courage as well. Hugs ss

 
Many, many congratulations matey! Looks like a very difficult journey, but I admire your willpower and determination. =)

This is such an uplifting story, I can see why you shared it; it's very positive and you're right - it does prove that there's always a way out! =)

 
Phrenicz, what you did is outstanding, you should be very proud of yourself, as we are of you.

Job well done!

 
That is just incredible!!! Seriously that's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do and I'm glad you are feeling proud and strong cos you've done something amazing!!

You're so right about the worst bit is feeling alone. I don't know what I'd do without this place and the friends I've made here.

Just massive congratulations !!!!!! 🎈🎊🎉

You are awesome !!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 
I will repeat what others have said. The worst is feeling alone. Congratulations my brother! You SHOULD be very proud! I know the good feelings you are talking about! There is NOTHING better than that! And YOU did it. Not another soul could have done that for you!n IT WAS ALL YOU. You have the deepest warmest congratulations from my heart to yours. Well done my good friend, well done!

That was one of the most beautiful posts that I have ever read, and many many many people will find inspiration by reading it. Beautifully written.

GIANT HUGS AND KISSES AND ALL OF THAT GOOD STUFF!

 
Thanks everyone : )...

Like I said in the post, I couldn't have done it without the help and support of the people on this board... I really couldn't!

I don't usually say this word, as I am not American..

But, you are all fucking awesome! : )

~P~

 
CatintheHat said:
I will repeat what others have said. The worst is feeling alone. Congratulations my brother! You SHOULD be very proud! I know the good feelings you are talking about! There is NOTHING better than that! And YOU did it. Not another soul could have done that for you!n IT WAS ALL YOU. You have the deepest warmest congratulations from my heart to yours. Well done my good friend, well done!

That was one of the most beautiful posts that I have ever read, and many many many people will find inspiration by reading it. Beautifully written.

GIANT HUGS AND KISSES AND ALL OF THAT GOOD STUFF!
Click to expand...
Right back at ya Cat!

XO

 
Oh phrenicZ dontcha know awesome made it over here a year or so ago and caught on quite quick with the kids. My nine year old picked it up at school although we pronounce it "orsum"

Also - sick and bad both mean "good" and it's uncool to say cool 😶 I know right ?!

Guess being wise has its drawbacks, you've no time to study current lingo trends 😉

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 
Hmmmm, I still think awesome is a stretch for us English folk?..

I could probably stretch to 'splendid' or maybe 'cracking' ? : )

 
I love "brilliant"... so British and it always makes me smile.  Awesome is used so much in the US that it doesn't even have a meaning anymore.  I'm going to start saying brilliant from now on and see if I can make it spread here.

 
We do say 'good shit' a lot?..

I reckon maybe that translates as 'awesome'?

~P~

 
Phrenicz said:
Well fellow DBG members...

I am finally coming to the end of a very long, strange, uncomfortable, almost bittersweet journey...

As some of you know, almost 7 months ago I decided to take action against my quite frankly excessive and worrying (to me) Cl@naz3pam addiction... What started with an actual medical need to treat my various mental Maladies, ended up with an insatiable need to actually feel more than normal?.. That impossible and ever elusive 'state'...

Never once through my rapid upward journey did I feel 'higher' or 'happier', just still, better than I did without them?.. However, what I did get, was one massive fuck off tolerance for the little bastards!..

My intake had gotten so out of control, I was taking more pills in a day, than I was having cups of tea... And believe me when I say that, as an Englishman I have quite a few cups of tea in a day!...

At the peak of my tolerance, I had reached a steady 12mg daily... Up to 16mg when my back was against the wall so to speak!... This, also augmented with various different opi&tes at the same daily frequency...

So, one day, as I finally realised my life was slowly being taken over by the very thing that was my saviour (I am sure most of us can relate to that), I decided I needed a massive mental tidy!

So, after writing out and planning a very strict taper method, I set about my journey. It was to take a very gradual 6 months, from start to finish...

Now, don't get me wrong, my plan wasn't to stop them all together, my plan was to regain control of my situation... As it scared the living shit out of me how dependant I had become.. I think what scared me most, was the amount I was taking without feeling any different from when I took that first 1mg pill?... That fact alone, seemed totally illogical, but very, very real!...

So.... At first, I found it quite easy... But, this wasn't my first taper (yes, I am that stupid!) and I knew from experience that the bigger numbers are always easiest to eliminate... So, within 2 months I had got myself down to 6mg... However, I knew the hardest bit was still to come... At this point I switched to Diaz3pam, due to it's longer half life... Which meant, less frequent dosing and hopefully a smoother, less w/d riddled next stage... It took 3 more months for me to get down to 30mg Diaz3p@m (by this time, I had ceased taking Cl@naz3pam totally)....

These 3 months were shit!... Literally!.. Every drop I made brought on a series of mental & physical symptoms for the first 3 or 4 days... Extreme anxiety, panic attacks, nausea, twitching, hand tremors, severe bouts of apathy, insomnia and a near constant overwhelming feeling of dread.... But, as my body & brain adjusted to the new dose, the remaining 10 days, I felt better (I stayed on each dose for approx 2 weeks, before dropping again)... I didn't only feel better, I felt like I had stolen another little victory.. I was proud, I felt strong and resilient... It was almost liberating... This little moment of clarity always encouraged me to keep fighting and aiming for the next drop...

At 30mg I was ready to do my 'final descent' as I called it... My aim was 10mg....

It has taken another 2 months of exactly the same battles, although I would say, slightly more mentally tough this time? The physical symptoms weren't as bad... Still the usual tell tale signs of w/d's... Shaking, twitching, insomnia, but I'm finally here : )... 10mg, no more, no less... I am now in control of my addiction, whereas before it was well and truly in control of me!..

I am no different, better or worse than anyone else here.. I haven't shared this story for celebration (although I am quite proud of myself ; ))... It's my personal account of a common thread amongst all of us and without the support of many good friends I have made here, I wouldn't have had anywhere near the courage or resolve to do what I have done... And for that, I am truly thankful : )..

The hardest thing about w/d's and addiction is thinking you are alone... That's a terrifying thought when you are going through your own personal hell.... Just knowing that you are not, is one of the most comforting things in the entire world... And the best thing about a place like this, is you are never alone.. I have cried on many of your shoulders and asked for advice regularly (you know who you are). And I have the utmost respect for those people and also for the friends I have yet to meet here : )

I have shared this story because I think it's important that people know that no matter how 'fucked' you may think you are, there is always a way out... It's not easy and it's certainly not pleasant!.. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel!... It might take you months to find the bastard, but it's there!!..

In turn, I hope you all know that you are quite welcome to cry on my shoulder anytime you damn well please : )

Much love, hugs & mental tidiness

~P~
Click to expand...
This is simply wonderful! I've been on the exact same journey and know how dark the path sometimes seemed! I promise you the road only becomes wider and smoother as you travel! It isn't easy to put the benzos down but it is SO worth it!

 
Cheers Roger,

I'm looking forward to a clearer road ahead, believe me!

I feel like I've cleaned my mental closet a bit?.. Don't get me wrong! There's still a lot of tidying left in there to do yet : )

~P~

 
Is that not the truth! There seems to always be something to work on, right? I learned my lesson, though, after the Battle of the Benzo. Those things demand respect and they have mine now. That's for sure. I am impressed you can hold at 10 mgs. I would never worry about getting off of them at low dose. Cheers to you!

 
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  1. P @ psychedpsych: Have good day people, and I hate texting messages lol
  2. B @ bigblueallda: @drjimmy1964 lol I am actually surprised it is a real ID. I needed those documents because my license had been expired for over a year and I had to start all over. Nothing was in the system. It was a huge mess. I had no clue I was signing up for Real ID. They asked me for the exact same documents that I needed for a State ID Card.
  3. S @ soupson: bless your heart buddy. no sense of grammar or proper insults/jokes. you need this place in ways i can’t comprehend
  4. drjimmy1964 @ drjimmy1964: Sweet Ol' Me asked about Real ID, Stoup. Are you responsive to emails ? LMAO
  5. drjimmy1964 @ drjimmy1964: I smell some Stoup. Is Stoup's on ?
  6. drjimmy1964 @ drjimmy1964: @bigblueallda You win. I am lost. Thought you were surprised your license was a Real ID, now you say you provided those items.
  7. drjimmy1964 @ drjimmy1964: @bigblueallda I was under the impression that you'd need all of the points to get a real ID . I'd check it's validity if you're gonna fly domestic any time soon, just to make sure. Not to tell you what to do, sorry -
  8. B @ bigblueallda: @drjimmy1964 In my state to get a Real ID, I need SS card, Birth Certificate and two proofs of residency. Which I am positive I had to provide to get a new ID when it had been expired.
  9. drjimmy1964 @ drjimmy1964: @Turbo259 advertising - putting in writing for example an negative action to show they are guilty prior to taking action.
  10. B @ bigblueallda: I haven't flown in an airplane in 20 years lol. Can't recall the last government building I have been in either. According to the symbol it tells me I should have on my ID to make it a Real ID I do have one in my state
  11. Gracie5 @ Gracie5: Hey @CuCeltic99!
  12. drjimmy1964 @ drjimmy1964: @Turbo259 advertising - putting in writing for example an negative action to show they are guilty prior to taking action.
  13. drjimmy1964 @ drjimmy1964: @bigblueallda are you sure you have a Real ID ? I mean , they really want 6 points of proof and 1 for your addy and 1 for your SSN. Did you maybe get it done and forgot and flew out of the country or something ?
  14. drjimmy1964 @ drjimmy1964: @bigblueallda are you sure you have a Real ID ? I mean , they really want 6 points of proof and 1 for your addy and 1 for your SSN. Did you maybe get it done and forgot and flew out of the country or something ?
  15. S @ soupson: did anyone ask about real id or is sweet ol jimmy just rambling
  16. T @ Turbo259: @drjimmy1964 what did you mean by advertise? not gettin the verbiage, DM works if anything, just didnt understand
  17. B @ bigblueallda: {Visit your local Driver Service Bureau with the necessary documents: original birth certificate, Social Security card, and two proofs of your state's residency. } I definitely provided this when I had to get a new ID when i let mine go expired too long maybe I unknowingly got one but I think it is pretty standard here.
  18. B @ bigblueallda: Well it was a state id renewal. Before that there was a mixup and I had lost my birth certficate and social security number. After a couple of weeks and finally getting several documents in order I was able to get a state ID. It had been expired previously for a little too long and they wanted all kinds of proof. It was a mess. But nah I looked up what to look for an my state's ID to see if it is a Real Id or not and my card as the symbol it is supposed to have. I'll take a closer look though
  19. drjimmy1964 @ drjimmy1964: @bigblueallda are you sure you have a Real ID ? I mean , they really want 6 points of proof and 1 for your addy and 1 for your SSN. Did you maybe get it done and forgot and flew out of the country or something ?
  20. drjimmy1964 @ drjimmy1964: Actually it says "Not For Real ID Purposes". That is my 2022 renewal of my 2018 picture ID. I am not due till 2026 and I am sure they will make me go in since my pic would be 8 years old - they used to make you go in in my state for aging when I was younger, then went paper - then back to picture ( I think 9/11 to blame for that ) but relaxed it.
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