A Taboo Subject

[Smoka90]

I hesitate a lot to raise this. I've had crippling depression since for the last 10 years or so. This topic is about self harm. That's been with me for about 10 years now too. It seems more common than I think, and I wondered if any one else has to battle it. I managed to stop for about 6 months, but in the last few days the buzz and the blood is back. God.

It's taboo; people associate it with teenage angst or attention seeking, it's neither in most cases, it's been with me for too long. now I won't really be able to wear t shirts again this summer, just bloody pathetic.

If anyone else suffers with it, talking about it helps. but it's part of my addictive personality. I don't do things in moderation, this included.

I may regret posting this if no-one replies.

 

[2earls]

I'm here to make sure you won't regret it. I always find it incredibly brave to admit things like this, even anonymously.

No subject should be taboo if one is seeking support. It can help immensely to share thoughts and feelings, instead of carrying them secretly. There might be others with first hand experience or not. But there are certainly many of us with some kind of personal demons that plague us.

Are you, or have you been in therapy for this? That would seem to be the obvious suggestion. I do know one person that was pretty successful in treatment. Not without a few setbacks, but that is the nature of any addiction.

Instead of regret, I suggest you congratulate yourself for having the balls to be honest.

2E

 

[Smoka90]

Ah, thanks for the reply. I did think 'crap' when I saw I'd posted it, I was sort of buzzing at the time.

I'm not in any therapy at the moment, but I was a few years ago. I got put on Mirtazapine a while ago and that seemed to stop it, but now I've gone a bit nuts with it. But to me it's so similar to any other addiction. You look forward to it and I get tolerant (since I need to do and more). I don't doubt that CBT or other therapies work for some, but I've always responded better to medications. In the past I never really had anyone to confide in, so therapy was useful just to vent, but now I've finally found a happy relationship with someone, so I have someone to talk to. She knows I've done it in the past, but doesn't now about this latest spree.

This time I sort of know what's causing it, partly it's guilt,  partly because of op*t* use and feeling selfish. I have a massive guilt complex. Once I bought something that had real animal fur on it which I didn't realise. Since I adore animals so much, the guilt was killing me, so I bled all over it then buried it. I'm *that* insane, but that's how my guilt complex works. Someone close to me has also suffered, so that's playing hell with my head, so I'm just some sort of equal suffering.

The future's definitely positive, I have a lot to look forward to and feel more hopeful than I ever have done before. Just got to get through this spree without causing too much damage. It's just such a ridiculously powerful buzz.

But yeah, you are right in that being open and honest is very therapeutic. I learnt this about 6 months ago, when I opened up to lots of people about different issues, and it was only then I started to recover. That's partly why I posted this, even if just one person can talk about it and feel better, that's still some good.

But this has been months and months of no harming, then bam, mayhem in a few days. Again, similar to substances, relapses can happen very quickly and without warning.

Thanks again 2earls, for the reply and compassion. It's very much appreciated. =)

 

[2earls]

You're quite welcome!

OMG, I can totally relate to the animal fur guilt. That would not be a good feeling for me either. I still have guilt over a childhood parakeet I neglected! Luckily grandma took it home with her and lavished attention on it.

You probably feel guilty about that smoking dog as well. I know, weak attempt at humor.

2E

 

[holymoly]

Smoka90, here there is no "taboo" subject because we are all friends.  As 2earls said please feel free to be honest with us and we will be honest with you.

This is a safe place.

 

[TealGreen]

It's really interesting how teenage girls these days actually call them their "battle scars" and in a way brag about it. I'm really close to my friends 16 year old daughter and she said cutting helps her deal with all the stress of being a teenager. I don't think she does it anymore but it was a problem for awhile. When I was a teenager, it either wasn't as prevalent as it is now or it just wasn't talked about. I'm leaning towards the latter. None of my friends did it that I know of. But now I wonder.

Smoka, thank you so much for starting this topic. It could be a great help to anyone going through this and is afraid to talk about it.

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[Guest]

Hey smoka, just wanted to throw my supp ort in here as well. While I do not profess to understand "cutting" i certainly do understand harming myself. And guilt. So much guilt. We all deal in different ways, and what you do in just another manifestation. So you are NOT alone. I love that you were so brave to start this topic and I know you will get some feedback here. And lots of love. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoo

 

[Smoka90]

I do love this forum, thanks for all the help everyone. =) Love you all.

I just hope I'll be able to help someone and give someone the support I've already had on this thread, eep...

 

[A.C.]

I may not have been here long, but anytime you need an ear to vent to.. I'm here for that, at anytime you are more than welcome to message me for any reason. I'm glad you posted, it makes me realize how many I know who probably have a similar affliction/addiction,that has never told me.. And I love the responses, it makes even me feel good so.. I hope one day you can do that, and take your past to help others in the "now".. it's all I wanna do, help some before they can't be.. I get told a lot I need to stop worrying about others and do me.. but that's just not how I'm wired and, tbh I like me for that. It's a crazy asset and huge weight, and an trait I look for in others as I get older.
Like others, I understand that gut wrenching guilt, it can be paralyzing, shameful..ect. Idc if it was 20yrs ago I still feel bad, doesn't matter either if a persons says "don't worry, it's in the past" I feel bad. I think tho, that may just be part of us losing our ego's? Idk, but just having feelings is better than so many out there today who only care about 1 thing.. themselves. Keep on keepin on.
Peace 1, 
AC

 

[PTFC]

I've been there too, youth,a good some years ago now, reactive depression, starting fights mainly to get hurt or occasionally to hurt others. Not the exact same type of self harm, but I wanted to be physically hurt. My sympathies, and it's hard to see light at the end of the tunnel with these things, but I found looking at how far I had come from the first time I felt my world had imploded gave me a little bit more strength. Stay cool.

 

[Smoka90]

I feel like we're all part of a family and look out for each other...it's a great thing.

Things like this help us realise we're not alone.

Needless to say, if anyone needs to chat about insane depression, guilt or self harming, just send a message. Someone said once I could be a therapist, I'd be a very messed up one, haha...but, yeah...I'm grateful to be part of this forum. =)

Thanks everyone. =)

 

[TealGreen]

Needless to say, if anyone needs to chat about insane depression, guilt or self harming, just send a message. Someone said once I could be a therapist, I'd be a very messed up one, haha...

Isn't it funny how that works? I'm so good at helping my friends and family with their problems and fall way short at helping myself or taking my own advice.

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[Yukon4E2]

Hey Smoka90, i'm right there with you. I'm better now, but them 'ole self harm (SH) demons creep back up from time to time, especially during extreme stress or feeling out of control. As I've gotten older, I've learned that I am not the best target of my anger, and that "emotions do not require action." (Hell yeah I've been in a lot of therapy). So it gets easier and easier to feel things without wanting to cut them out, or burn them out. But it really is an intense form of self-hatred, to acutally hurt myself and cause immediate and painful injury. I try to remember that--some times I do, sometimes i don't. Sometimes I do and I just dont care, shit gets so overwhelming.

Anyways, it's NOTHING to feel ashamed of. As someone already mentioned, there are a *million* ways to be destructive to ourselves and our loved ones. Addiction, reckless sex, spending money that ain't there, losing our tempers, etc. etc. I just think SH is a grislier type of self-destruction...but no more or less harmful than all the other things people do to themselves and others when they are in a great deal of pain, espcially emotional pain.

Love and a hug (((((((Smoka90))))))))) for you

 

[Revenger]

Hi smoka. Good on you for posting that. I'll be honest and say that I thought EVERYONE who cuts was attention seeking (not known any myself) and I didn't have a clue anyone actually could get a buzz from it...so you've taught me something. Even more surprised to hear that you're a boy. I'm pretty ignorant I guess.

You sound like a lovely sensitive person who cares so much about others. If only there were more people like you in the world ... Most people care FAR too little

Glad to hear you're happier now and thanks for posting xxxx

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[2earls]

Hi smoka. Good on you for posting that. I'll be honest and say that I thought EVERYONE who cuts was attention seeking (not known any myself) and I didn't have a clue anyone actually could get a buzz from it...so you've taught me something. Even more surprised to hear that you're a boy. I'm pretty ignorant I guess. You sound like a lovely sensitive person who cares so much about others. If only there were more people like you in the world ... Most people care FAR too little Glad to hear you're happier now and thanks for posting xxxxSent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Nice to see you Revenger, you were missed!

 

[Revenger]

Ah thanks sweetness! How nice to be missed /default_smile.png

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[Smoka90]

Hey Smoka90, i'm right there with you. I'm better now, but them 'ole self harm (SH) demons creep back up from time to time, especially during extreme stress or feeling out of control. As I've gotten older, I've learned that I am not the best target of my anger, and that "emotions do not require action." (Hell yeah I've been in a lot of therapy). So it gets easier and easier to feel things without wanting to cut them out, or burn them out. But it really is an intense form of self-hatred, to acutally hurt myself and cause immediate and painful injury. I try to remember that--some times I do, sometimes i don't. Sometimes I do and I just dont care, shit gets so overwhelming.

Anyways, it's NOTHING to feel ashamed of. As someone already mentioned, there are a *million* ways to be destructive to ourselves and our loved ones. Addiction, reckless sex, spending money that ain't there, losing our tempers, etc. etc. I just think SH is a grislier type of self-destruction...but no more or less harmful than all the other things people do to themselves and others when they are in a great deal of pain, espcially emotional pain.

Love and a hug (((((((Smoka90))))))))) for you

Thanks AJ =) The phrase "emotions do not require action" is very true, it's a shame it's so hard to follow sometimes. Any sort of nasty feeling in my head, the sort that flares up the moment you close your eyes at night, the sort that makes me keel over, that sort of thought, that's what triggers it usually. It's hard not to, it's like a reaction, like yelping is to pain. But yeah, it's one of many ways of self destructing, just annoyed I indulge in one or two of those other ways too, which is why I'm on this forum I guess...but I'm sure, in time, I will find better ways of getting rid of horrible thoughts... one destructive thing I will *never* indulge in is outward physical or verbal anger, or losing my temper, I think it's pretty terrible, something I wouldn't dream of subjecting those closest to me to.

Thanks again, hugs for you too. =)

 

[Smoka90]

Hi smoka. Good on you for posting that. I'll be honest and say that I thought EVERYONE who cuts was attention seeking (not known any myself) and I didn't have a clue anyone actually could get a buzz from it...so you've taught me something. Even more surprised to hear that you're a boy. I'm pretty ignorant I guess.

You sound like a lovely sensitive person who cares so much about others. If only there were more people like you in the world ... Most people care FAR too little

Glad to hear you're happier now and thanks for posting xxxx

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Hi. =)

Some people do cut for attention, I don't doubt it, but they do tend to be younger (generalisation, I know...). With me, I hide them, there's only one person (in 'real life') who knows about my latest spree, only because they're close to me. I try to avoid t shirts, my left arm has just got dozens of pale blotches on from cigarette burns years ago, and it just looks naff...but glad I could inform you in some way, I guess it's all about information and honesty, that's why I posted this thread, so people might feel more comfortable in talking about their own problems.

But the buzz, crapping hell, it's such a buzz, makes me giggle like a medieval witch on 'shrooms. Anyway...

Thank you very for your kind words, lovely of you to say such things. =)

 

[Revenger]

Yeah you certainly informed me. I'm embarrassed about being so thick

What a fab description - "giggle like a medieval witch on shrooms" shouldn't laugh...

So glAd you feel you can talk here. I reckon the fact you don't feel you have anything to hide will help a bit. Xxx lots of love xxx

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