A Taboo Subject

[Yukon4E2]

Hi Bloom, i'll go check out the divorce thread. But my initial reaction is...great you have her in therapy. I'd recommend lots of therapy and a gooooodddd therapist. And you are aware that she is in pain. Have you talked with her about it? Damn...seven years old is so ...little. poor baby. I know your heart must be absolutely breaking.

 

[Bloom]

Hi Bloom, i'll go check out the divorce thread. But my initial reaction is...great you have her in therapy. I'd recommend lots of therapy and a gooooodddd therapist. And you are aware that she is in pain. Have you talked with her about it? Damn...seven years old is so ...little. poor baby. I know your heart must be absolutely breaking.

Ajmorgan,

You're too kind and I appreciate your sweet sentiment. The therapist and I have talked about why scraping away her skin (and it's absolutely deep troughs with red scarred skin left behind) - is not healthy. The worst words that came out of my 7-year old daughter's mouth were it "feels good." She has never cut at my house - just her father's house and the new church he began bringing our daughters to attend. She understood what the therapist and I explained - but just started biting her fingernails and toenails - which is just a temporary solution to a much bigger problem.

My heart does break. Every moment I'm not there to protect her. The therapist said she has never seen a child so young "cut." It needs to end now.

Any advice to offer? The pain has to stop - for her, me and anyone who has lived for feeling "good" for the wrong reasons.

Help!

Bloom

 

[Yukon4E2]

LONGEST POST EVER

Hmmm...okay, if you are willing to try, i think there are many things that might help her.

How often do you see her? what are your visits like? After reading bout your crazy, sadistic, mean-mother of an ex-husband....I'm so sorry you went through that. First is to take care of yourself. You havent posted about it in that forum for a bit.

However, you seem to be going through (understandably) very dark times. And your little girl knows this, she knows it even if she doesn't "know" that she is aware of it. Parents in pain are scary, and I can't even begin to imagine what her experience is like with her father. Obviously, its driving her to hurt herself because she doesn't know what else to do. Little ones have no power...she can't understand what's going on. And you and he are her parents, the people she depends on to survive and---i mean, y'all are like her whole life, you know? The siblings are older ?

If you get to see her regularly, i'd say make the focus entirely on her and the sibs. You probably all need to reconnect and just remember how to be happy together. How to laugh together, how to enjoy each other. All that trauma is just too damn much.

There has to be an emotion behind the cutting, or avoidance of an emotion. Whether she feels frustrated because she doens't fit in at the new school, or maybe the stuff at home plus new school is just way too much and she's not feeling much of anything these days. Maybe it distracts her and makes her feel something,...something very real...and that she is actually in control of. Kids have no power as it is....i mean they are completely dependent on grownups...adding layers of trauma on may just be too damn much for her and she's confused and disconnected from her emotions (i mean, it literally cannot feel good. The dopamine/opiate release happens, yeah...

but at 6 or 7 years old, she would focus on the pain before noticing the other stuff. So she is out of touch with how she feels. Emotionally, and even on a very basic "cutting yourself hurts" level. she's disconnected from all feelings. that may be safer because real, internal feelings are waay to intense and confusing right now.

Or sometimes, people self-harm because it feels good to heal. again...control over their own "pain" when they cant do anything at all about what is causing all the emotional pain. she can't be mad at her parents. kids can't see their parents as "bad." it's just too much for them. that is their mom and dad. so they are confused and develop other ways to make sense of how they feel. things they can do, that they can decide whats happening to them.

 But I guess the most imporant thing is to get yourself in a better, healthier place. only then, i think, will you be able understand and get through to her....I know you are her mother and you know her better than anyone on this planet.

but as a former cutter/harmer...and super sensitive, intensely emotional...when  I was her age...... kids have trouble identifying their emotions as it is. Add extra heapings of sensitivity and a personality with intense emotional experiences. And then the very emotionally-taxing environment .....she may not  know how to identify when shes mad or sad or happy.

Light, happy things. relaxing things. I just have a feeling you and your children are suffering so much right now, you may all may have trouble being 'in the moment' when you are together....because you all have been through so much pain and betrayal. I just cannot even imagine. I know I would not feel like I could relax or enjoy anything, ever.

I hope this helps somehow. I think if you can help her name her emotions, and be able to recognize when she's feeling something intensely, and that it is okay to feel it and life will go on and she doesn't have to shut it all out....then things and her behavior will hopefully start to make more and more sense, and you will intuitively know when she's going down that path and can help her experience bad feelings and get through them.

phew.

If i could only write this much in one sitting on my dissertation....id have graduated ages ago... /default_smile.png

 

[Suzie]

Dear Bloom,  I felt very lost and insecure when I was 7 and looking back and knowing what I know now what would have helped me the most would have been physical contact from my parents (which I didn't have) and feeling safe, I never felt safe and hid a lot.    Lots of hugs and reassuring words would have changed my life.    I wish I could say more but I am praying for you.

 

[Yukon4E2]

I was just thinking that. exactly suzie. she needs to know she is safe and loved and no matter what, she has protection, love, hugs, kisses, kindness, and that it is unconditional and will always be there for her. Always and endlessly. All kids do, but especially when horrible things are happening in their family, with their closest people

 

[Bloom]

Ajmorgan and Suzie - sheesh! Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for your invaluable insight and thoughtful responses.

That said, I'm not deflecting blame - but my children's therapist testified in The Court the father has no emotional connection with our daughters. She said "they feel kidnapped" by him and harbor a deep sense of distrust toward him. Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say my five and seven year old daughters hate their father...they just don't connect with him. He is emotionally, mentally and physically abusive - he tried drowning my seven year old (then 6) in the bathtub by holding her upside down by her ankles and keeping her head under water until she couldn't breathe. Yeah - this guy got full custody.

I'm an extremely affectionate mother - always have been. My children get tons of hugs - though G (my seven year old) has always been less huggy/snuggy than her younger sister. We communicate openly. I discipline appropriately - I nurture them, feed them healthy meals/snacks - they are very well cared for and have a deep emotional bond with me. To my fault, however, my temper is shorter now because of all the douchebag moves my former spouse did to destroy our family - and G will tremble at the first sign of my disapproval. We've talked about it - about one year ago - and I told G, if I'm getting upset (and let's face it, a 5&7 year old are always up to something!) - tell me, "Mommy don't get mad." And she does - every time. And it diffuses my temper and keeps me from going into a rage about...lip gloss stains on a $4,000 chaise. And stuff like that! LOL!

In fact, about two weeks ago G and I were having breakfast while K played dress-up upstairs, and I told G it was okay to tell the therapist she had fun at DisneyWorld with daddy. That girl stared at me like the exorcist and said, "I don't have a father." It was fucking intense.

Nonetheless, they know I love them more than anything or anyone in this world. They will always be my greatest priority. No one comes before them. No one ever will.

For the time being, G has stopped troughing through her skin. I relentlessly check her all over when she's with me - every other weekend (TH-M) and Thursdays on the off weeks.

But I'm terrified that one day, if custody isn't regained (in my favor) soon - G will find a stick, a stone or worse - and find her fingernails are only useful for pulling boogers out of her nose.

Bloom

 

[Yukon4E2]

it sounds like you know what she needs, and maybe it makes it better to hear our perspectives and know that you are validated, and doing all that you can.

And if they don't hate him yet...

i think its normal to have a shorter fuse after so much trauma, stress and awfulness. I got mad at the front door the other day because i my key was messed up. I mean i was fucking pissed.

I dont understand how your ex has gotten away with so much bad shit. But those girls are going to suffer and he is messing with their heads. I hope they have other men in their lives who aren't deranged.I really do.

But-you, mama...you sound like a good mama and they are sooooo lucky to have you, to have respite. Your ex is a criminal... :-(

 

[Yukon4E2]

Its just infuriating when people hurt kids, I mean I hate him and i don't even know him!!!!!!

 

[Suzie]

I hate him too!!!!!!!

 

[NoName]

...I know a guy, a 'fixer', if you will,  who specializes ....

Nevermind.

 

[Phrenicz]

One word for him where I come from Bloom?

Cunt!...

Karma needs to catch up with this one quickly!!

I can only imagine what torture you are going through : (

**Hugs and love**

~P~

 

[Smoka90]

Sorry to hear this sad story, Bloom... =(

Have lots of hugs, if you ever need to rant just PM or post here, we're all here to help.

I don't know much, sadly, about how this self harm can be halted... I can only say what you already know. But your daughter is much, much younger than I was; I was 15 when I started, and that was punching myself and tying a string around my neck and pulling until I went blue. But it does develop, maybe within a few months or maybe weeks. But I think choosing therapy is the best thing you can do in this situation, so well done on that, it can't be easy.

So whereas I can't say how it can be stopped, a therapist might be able to help. =)

About your ex-husband, there's so many violent, black-hearted monsters out there, try and focus on the love for your children, and let that overpower the sh*t that your ex has caused. Sounds like a horrible man... the past is such a hard thing to put behind you, ironically, but try your best to focus on the love you have in your life.

I wish you all the best. =)

 

[rosemarypast]

Please don't feel pathetic at all. I know what you're going through because I've been through it myself. You have the illness called depression which sometimes is very severe plus hard to deal with I'd think you're most likely using selfharm as a way to cope with your feelings of depression & sorrow. Why don't you attempt to find a different way to cope perhaps my example is I love to write which is a wonderful coping mechanism. I want you to succeed & hope you find true happiness soon because it sounds as though you've been through enough struggles. You're very courageous plus very strong to talk about what you've talked about with us all. I'm proud of you please never let others make you feel a negative emotion about yourself or a negative emotion of any sort at all. Please don't let yourself get bothered because of what someone who is ignorant thinks. I'm sorry to hear about all of your struggles.

 

[Broadway2282]

Self harm and depression go hand in hand for quite a few of us. For me it was/is a release of strong and painful emotions. My sister in law who is a therapist says it's not really a cry for help but a need for release - at least in my case. I'm too far gone to cry for help - lol. I will never trust therapists, law enforcement or hospitals ever again. I had a really bad experience the one time I finally broke down and seeked help. It scarred me so badly I will never reach out again, I'd rather die first. They told me the second I called a suicide hotline in the future, I'd be right back in the psych ward.  There's a deterrent! I will die before that happens again guarantee it. Opiates, benzo's and jogging help me cope. I've turned into somewhat of a jaded, callous human being because I've had to. At times, I welcome death, it does not scare me in the least. It seems like it would be a relief on the dark days.

But my beliefs are very different so I am not scared of death as I think it just all ends there, for good. As a previous poster mentioned, there are many ways self harm can manifest itself. I've experienced a lot of them. The movie "Wild" would be therapeutic for you I believe as it is one of my fav's. "Ask me Anything" is another great one for those of us who can relate to self harm manifesting in different ways and how to deal with pain.  

Please don't feel alone, it seems the more sensitive a human being you are the more you get wounded in this world. Which it turn can make you jaded. Ironic. There's a lot of us that live in the shadows.

 

[Smoka90]

Self harm and depression go hand in hand for quite a few of us. For me it was/is a release of strong and painful emotions. My sister in law who is a therapist says it's not really a cry for help but a need for release - at least in my case. I'm too far gone to cry for help - lol. I will never trust therapists, law enforcement or hospitals ever again. I had a really bad experience the one time I finally broke down and seeked help. It scarred me so badly I will never reach out again, I'd rather die first. They told me the second I called a suicide hotline in the future, I'd be right back in the psych ward.  There's a deterrent! I will die before that happens again guarantee it. Opiates, benzo's and jogging help me cope. I've turned into somewhat of a jaded, callous human being because I've had to. At times, I welcome death, it does not scare me in the least. It seems like it would be a relief on the dark days.

But my beliefs are very different so I am not scared of death as I think it just all ends there, for good. As a previous poster mentioned, there are many ways self harm can manifest itself. I've experienced a lot of them. The movie "Wild" would be therapeutic for you I believe as it is one of my fav's. "Ask me Anything" is another great one for those of us who can relate to self harm manifesting in different ways and how to deal with pain.  

Please don't feel alone, it seems the more sensitive a human being you are the more you get wounded in this world. Which it turn can make you jaded. Ironic. There's a lot of us that live in the shadows.

I can see that you're in a very dark place as you wrote that, when death appears as a relief or refuge, it's not good. I know depression takes so many different forms and for me, one of the worst things is, I can never put it into words! Like today, so far I've just felt low, the world outside doesn't seem real, like the sunlight is artificial, and that gets in my head. Articulating it is one of the worst challenges but can also be some of the most helpful therapy.

But you're spot on with the self harm words, it is a release, more often than a cry for help. It's relief. I have managed to get over my latest spree, but no doubt it will come around again, and not even stupid amounts of opi@tes, som@, benz*s, phen!but, stimulants can stave away the depression for long.

Life is good, let's all have a sing-song...

 

[Broadway2282]

Self harm and depression go hand in hand for quite a few of us. For me it was/is a release of strong and painful emotions. My sister in law who is a therapist says it's not really a cry for help but a need for release - at least in my case. I'm too far gone to cry for help - lol. I will never trust therapists, law enforcement or hospitals ever again. I had a really bad experience the one time I finally broke down and seeked help. It scarred me so badly I will never reach out again, I'd rather die first. They told me the second I called a suicide hotline in the future, I'd be right back in the psych ward.  There's a deterrent! I will die before that happens again guarantee it. Opiates, benzo's and jogging help me cope. I've turned into somewhat of a jaded, callous human being because I've had to. At times, I welcome death, it does not scare me in the least. It seems like it would be a relief on the dark days.

But my beliefs are very different so I am not scared of death as I think it just all ends there, for good. As a previous poster mentioned, there are many ways self harm can manifest itself. I've experienced a lot of them. The movie "Wild" would be therapeutic for you I believe as it is one of my fav's. "Ask me Anything" is another great one for those of us who can relate to self harm manifesting in different ways and how to deal with pain.  

Please don't feel alone, it seems the more sensitive a human being you are the more you get wounded in this world. Which it turn can make you jaded. Ironic. There's a lot of us that live in the shadows.

I can see that you're in a very dark place as you wrote that, when death appears as a relief or refuge, it's not good. I know depression takes so many different forms and for me, one of the worst things is, I can never put it into words! Like today, so far I've just felt low, the world outside doesn't seem real, like the sunlight is artificial, and that gets in my head. Articulating it is one of the worst challenges but can also be some of the most helpful therapy.

But you're spot on with the self harm words, it is a release, more often than a cry for help. It's relief. I have managed to get over my latest spree, but no doubt it will come around again, and not even stupid amounts of opi@tes, som@, benz*s, phen!but, stimulants can stave away the depression for long.

Life is good, let's all have a sing-song...

We have lots in common. Most all the name brands you mention are my usuals too. A doctor once told me that anxiety and depression go hand in hand, if you have one you have the other and they feed off of one another. Great! Lol - my emotions are on a roller coaster always. It's too easy for me to fall in a deep dark hole. I know I will continue to battle this disease the rest of my life and that mere thought exhausts me. I have to put on my gratitude hat and pop an opiate when I get this low. I'm here if you want to talk, we sound like we fight the same demons so I can understand your thoughts maybe more than most. Wishing you the very best friend.

 

[Smoka90]

I've been out of work for about 5 weeks now and have yet to start studying, so I think not doing much is playing hell with me at the moment. I get anxiety a bit, but it's mostly depression, aaagh, head in hands sort of despair.

Ah, opiates. They rescued me when I was a teenager. I know it's a bad addiction, but I honestly think I would have done something major if I hadn't had that euphoria. But now that my tolerance is sky high and I pop stupid amounts everyday, I guess it's part of daily life.

If you need to talk as well, I'm here, take care of yourself.

 

[nickiean]

It's something that most people don't understand. For those that have severe anxiety it's like a drug to relieve the stress.No different than when we take meds to relieve ours. I've never had the problem but treated a lot of patients that did. All said it was their way of coping. A lot has to do with the one thing in their life they have control over.

 

[Broadway2282]

Severe depression & anxiety are a beast. My dr just wrote me out of work again so I don't lose my shit and earn another one way ticket to the looney bin. Between back surgery, quitting my Prozac cold turkey, car in the shop 3x in 3 weeks needing $$$ repairs, toxic work environment and oh my hubby just wrecked the Benz loaner we had - I'm slowly crumbling apart. My dr gave me a new antidepressant and a ton of Val just so I can keep breathing essentially. Wants me to voluntarily check in to a rehab this time. Um no - after feces on the wall & used tampons everywhere I'll never go back to one of those places - no matter how nice this new one is supposed to be. 

Im so incredibly tired of the stigma that comes with our disease. We are lazy, weak, need to snap out of it, grow up, act normal. My father said to me last night - it's not like you have diabetes or cancer. Um yeah, you're right, I could die with those diseases and look forward to a way out and others would not judge or stigmatize me. I told him this disease makes it unbearable to live everyday. 

I just don't get why it's ok to judge/hate/discriminate against people with mental illnesses in 2015. I can be accepted if I'm gay, had hiv, trans but god forbid there is something wrong with my brain - then I'm just a looney who society casts away. 

 

[2earls]

As a person who has experienced depression and spent a couple years in the "hole", I wish I could give you both some of my good days that I am blessed with now. It really breaks my heart to hear of you dear people suffering.

You can't let people who have no idea what they are talking about get in your head. If I hadn't had my own breakdown, I'd probably be one of those "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" types.   Doesn't work that way at all.

Don't know what good I can do but I am here if needed for any little thing at all.