A Taboo Subject

[Gallon]

I have lived with women that had depression before (twice)  and I did not understand it then. It took me getting a little older to understand it and what I could have done to help them as their S.O.  Helping them help themselves would have made things a lot better. There are things loved ones can do to help. 

 

[Biteme]

Sorry to hear about your pain. I've never done cutting or anything like that but I can't keep myself from chewing up the sides of my mouth (intentionally) or cracking my neck constantly even though I know it makes that problem worse. I have suffered from depression for most of my life, but there seems to be a element of obsessive compulsiveness to these acts since they pick up when I'm anxious not depressed. That said, if your cutting etc out of depression you may want to consider some different meds. Op8s and benzs are fine for anxiety but can actually increase depression, as can drinking. An SNRI or SSRI would be the medication of choice.

 

[Smoka90]

I think everyone has their own coping mechanism Biteme, they're all different... I guess that cutting is just the more common one. Luckily I seem to have got the cutting behind me now, it's been a while. Quite grim when I look back. Although sometimes now when I'm on a downer I might whack myself with a belt, it's quite rare. I only hope that other people suffering that find help in some way, whether that's meds or therapy, or even talking on here; I know so many of you helped me when I needed it.

Mirtazapine has definitely worked well for me, without a doubt more effective than the other SSRI stuff I was on. Then again, not looking foward to the day I have to come off it, though ideally that day won't come any time soon.

 

[Ophelia]

I know I'm a little late to the party, but maybe you (Smoka) will see this and have a bit of comfort and understanding at the biochemical processes involved in cutting/self-harm. As you know, all self-harmers aren't the same, and neither are their preferred methodologies. I study psychology and have my A.A. in Behavioral Sciences, a B.S. in Psychology, and a CPC/Certification in Substance Abuse, so I've had to learn about the brain and addictions in-depth over the years. What I've discovered is nothing short of incredible, and I think it'll help you. It's helped me so much. 

I too am a self-harmer, but an unconventional one. I don't cut myself with a blade and watch the blood run, etc. But what I do is similar: I bite my tongue. It started out when I was 7 years old, or thereabouts. I used to watch my older sister chewing the skin off of the insides of her jaws. Naturally, I began mimicking her. (This was 38 years ago.) I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It hurt like raw hell, and having swollen jaws (inside) became an everyday occurrence. I wasn't satisfied until I saw/tasted blood. Not that I wanted to see it, but I knew that if it was present, then I had accomplished the level of pain I was after. It just felt good to cause myself pain in that way. My cheeks would be so sore inside, and simply sweeping my tongue over the sore areas using moderate pressure gave me a rush of pleasure- although it hurt!

For the next 35 or so years, I chewed my jaw/cheek flesh. I would be able to stop for 3 or 4 months, but then be right back at it. It was the most powerful addiction I'd ever known. About 4 years ago, I was determined to stop! So, I did. Cold turkey. I noticed that for the first week or so, my mind was chaotic and I had a surplus of nervous energy. I realize that biting had released stress and tension then, and understood that it was more than just "biting my jaw" that was happening- a very real chemical exchange was taking place in my brain. 

I continued doing well and was no longer tempted to bite my cheek/jaw, but had picked up an even worse habit of biting on the sides (and front) of my tongue. It got really bad. I was ripping off taste buds and used my sharp canine teeth to constantly (gently) scrape over the sore places on my tongue, again- causing a heady mixture of pleasure and pain. Funny thing about pain- when it hurts over an extended period of time, it actually starts feeling sweet. Very strange. 

It's been about 5 years now and I continue to punish my tongue- biting, scraping, biting, ripping...it's just awful. I realize the addiction is very much in the brain and not in the mouth. I connected the dots and began applying my studies (the brain and drug addiction) to my tongue-biting. I learned that when we (as human beings) are in pain, endorphins (pleasure hormones) are released into the body and into our bloodstreams. Endorphins are also introduced when we experience stress, such as exercising and/or general stressful situations (such as an argument with a mate, etc.). 

As I mentioned, I'm not a "traditional cutter", but I'm no different than you in that area: my teeth are my weapon of choice, and ultimately, the same things are going on in our brains when we inflict harm upon ourselves- our bodies are experiencing pain, but our brains are experiencing chemically-induced waves of pleasure. In this way, we've become addicted to the endorphins, flooding into our bloodstreams. We're getting our chemical fix. I've never heard any of this anywhere else relating to cutting and self-harm, but it makes absolute sense neurologically. 

Many people think cutters and self-harmers are seeking pain. But really, it's just the opposite. We're seeking pleasure because we're in (emotional) pain, and by cutting, we're able to do that. Cutters are misunderstood, and this is why I think that unless a person has studied the inner biological workings of the cutting process- within the body and the brain- they can't possibly begin to make fair assumptions relating to the disorder. 

I'm still biting my tongue. I wish I could say that I've beaten this monster. But as I said, it's the strongest addiction I've ever known. (I was able to quit smoking cigarettes- cold turkey, in one day- after 18 years of smoking. That was a breeze compared to this thing!) But I do feel better in knowing that this isn't just "something I keep doing to myself". It helps to know and learn about the neuro-chemical processes involved. 

As others have said, kudos to you for speaking up and speaking out. It takes courage and integrity to do that.   

Thanks for sharing. x

 

[Smoka90]

Thank you for all that relevant and helpful knowledge Ophelia. =)

I hope that one day you can overcome your own self harm issues. But I can easily believe the endorphin theory. There was an old Manic Street Preachers song from the early '90s, with a lyric 'I hurt myself to get pain out', maybe relevant. My partner has severe issues with it. Sometimes...or rather, quite often, I have to remove shaving razors from the bathroom and she gets very distressed when I do...but I don't know what else to do...I feel awful but I can't leave a blade there which I know she'll hurt herself with...but it makes her feel better, it's lose-lose...

But for me, the sight of my blood emerging, and most blissfully of all, trickling off my arm and dripping onto the floor. I love that sight and I love that sound. My partner suffered a lot before I met her, and I couldn't cope with that and it caused a recent relapse, but that was over a year ago...doing okay-ish now...

Should add I'm dependent on op!ates. Might have something to do with it there...

Thanks again for sharing your story Ophelia. Like you said it takes courage and integrity to speak out. So for that reason, kudos to you! =)

 

[Ophelia]

(You have mail, Smoka.   )

 

[Biteme]

I chew the insides of my cheeks, or crack my jaw, bite the skin off my fingers until they bleed, or keep cracking my neck (to the point that I did serious damage when in middle school & have a major neck problems now). I think in my case it becomes obsessive behavior and is primarily a way to address anxiety. When I'm doing something like that it takes my mind off whatever's worrying me. When I try to stop one I usually start doing another.

 

[jimfriedrice]

I just don't get why it's ok to judge/hate/discriminate against people with mental illnesses in 2015. I can be accepted if I'm gay, had hiv, trans but god forbid there is something wrong with my brain - then I'm just a looney who society casts away. 

same with alcoholism.  Anyway, when I was 18 I put out two cigarettes on my left forearm because of pain dealing with a girlfriend.  That was almost 30 years ago and I'm happy to see the scars are finally gone (haven't checked in a few years until now, reading this topic).  My brother does the same thing but to a more extreme extent, and also more recently.  He's more discreet, aims for the shoulder and other covered up areas.  It's heartbreaking, and my heart goes out to all of you.

 

[ElectroNymph]

I used to cut myself,  overdoses,  but the main trigger was relationships ending or alcoholism.  Luckily I don't do it any more,  except for the benzo's.

 

[SaintAlien]

Late to this but I'm here for support! I read your posts, how it feels addicting.  Anything we do to feel release of endorphins will feel addicting.  I have never cut but I am completely tattooed and loved the pain and release.  I know dozens of people who are covered in tattoos because they do it rather than cutting or to hide the scars.  Anyone with tattoos will remark "it's addicting"  

I have always dated men who are normally hired for security of bands, big guys with tattoos everywhere - they seem to all have gone through phases that lasted most of their teens and 20's in beating people to a pulp for fun or to get hit.  It's self punishment.

You are nowhere near alone.  I'd venture to say that almost all of us here are trying to avoid feeling something and we do things to lessen the pain.  Benzos, pain meds, sleep aides, other things, drinking, sex and gambling. Relationships that are extreme (fighting or fucking), dating harmful or dangerous people. Risky behavior is 100% across the board here.  

This means: Do not fear being judged because no one here is anywhere near a place to say they are above you - nor is anyone in the real world.  We all have vices. We are all sinners and gratifiers.  We are human and on the same playing field, although some are just at different stages of healing and that's all

 

[rxpro]

I have pulled toe nails out just to relieve emotional pain. I due have nueropathy but I can still feel plenty. I had no idea there where so many others out there.

 

[SaintAlien]

I have pulled toe nails out just to relieve emotional pain. I due have nueropathy but I can still feel plenty. I had no idea there where so many others out there.

You are the second person I have known to do this.  The other is a male close friend, he doesn't know why he does it but he does and has for as long as he can recall.  I never noticed till he had his socks off.  You are far from alone.

 

[2muchpain]

I hesitate a lot to raise this. I've had crippling depression since for the last 10 years or so. This topic is about self harm. That's been with me for about 10 years now too. It seems more common than I think, and I wondered if any one else has to battle it. I managed to stop for about 6 months, but in the last few days the buzz and the blood is back. God.

It's taboo; people associate it with teenage angst or attention seeking, it's neither in most cases, it's been with me for too long. now I won't really be able to wear t shirts again this summer, just bloody pathetic.

If anyone else suffers with it, talking about it helps. but it's part of my addictive personality. I don't do things in moderation, this included.

I may regret posting this if no-one replies.

I have experience of self harm. I have been through phases of such bad pain with my fibromyalgia and other physical problems, and also phases of depression and such internal pain, that I have self harmed just to take away from the other pain. I would say that about 25% of my friends have self harmed in these ways also like me at some point, such as cutting, and I am talking about highly intelligent adults so it is definitely not uncommon and please don't ever feel ashamed of talking about it. I am new and can't PM yet I don't think but if you wish to PM me to talk about it you are very welcome.

You are certainly not alone. My heart goes out to you.