Alcohol

[jimfriedrice]

Hey Guys, it seems like this is a forum to vent so here we go...!  I've been a heavy drinker for the last 25 years (I'm 47).  Quit for the first time last March.  Lasted 90 days or so a couple of times between relapses.  then a few shorter stints of sobriety.  Nothing lasting though.  Trying to keep it short and sweet, I went on quite a bender this weekend.  For me this means drinking by myself in the basement/gameroom and checking on the kids occasionally.  "Homework getting done?"  "Need some help"?  Cook dinner then "Alright, it's dinner time, let's eat".  etc, etc.  Not ideal, but I think I'm a pretty good dad.  Mom isn't home so much so.... yeah.  But after the kids went to bed I started hitting the vodka hard.  This isn't good on a Monday night but it was a snow day here in Boston so I got had already gotten an early start with the drinking, and... yeah, the train kept a-rollin'.  Working from home, taking care of the kids.  Continuing my weekend all-day drinking on a work from home day.  Stupid.  

I have 8.5 mgs of zannys and took .5 at 6:30 this morning in the hopes that would calm me down enough to go to work.  This amount works pretty well when I have an average hangover.  Nope, no effect this morning.  SO an hour later I banged in sick cause I'm shaking like a leaf.  I don't want to dip into the rest because I need it to help detox, calm the nerves so I can function at work or over the weekend, when I'm finally ready to stop drinking.  Have an order with an SY vendor stuck at r/w/b that's been "in transit" since last friday.  I know there are issues in that area so I'm trying to be patient.   bugged the vendor once over the weekend and he offered to switch shippers.  He seems cool, so I said I'd be patient.  Scared because I started drinking a couple of hours ago (held off until noon, yay!) and I'll need to take at LEAST 1mg tomorrow morning to cope because I HAVE to be in the office tomorrow.  I will NEVER drink before heading into the office to steady the nerves.  That way lies madness.  Was hoping to have my supply in hand to have an easy-ish transition to sobriety (yet again) but dang, it's down to the wire.  I emailed my buddy where I initially got the zannies from and I haven't heard back in a couple hours.  Getting very nervous.

Alright, venting over.  You guys are pretty awesome here so I hope my f'ed-upness isn't too offensive.  Also thanks, I've enjoyed reading the experiences of other folks.  Actually, enjoyed might be the wrong word.  Empathized, yeah, that's it.

 

[2earls]

No, it's not offensive. I think that you really have one thing going for you and that is you are not in denial. Maybe that will eventually help lead you out of your present situation. Instead of telling you a bunch of crap you already know, I will just say; never give up on yourself. EVER! I know a lifelong, fifth of vodka a day, alcoholic, that quit in his fifties.

Maybe today isn't your day, but it can still come. I'm wishing everyone waiting on their orders good luck. I think we are going to start hearing some positive news real soon.

 

[jimfriedrice]

fifth of vodka a day... oof.  I'm bad but not that bad.  Thanks for the encouragement and advice, as always, 2earls.  You've been awesome to me so far.  Thanks for that.

 

[girlgerms]

Jim-

I just want you to know I think its great you are trying to quit alcohol and You're no more fucked up than most anyone else here. 

Just be careful.  I'm sure you know what your doing. I know a little bit about this because most of my life I was surrounded by alcoholics. First time I remember drinking too much I was around 6 y/o or so. Im 41 now and its been nearly 12 years since Ive had a drink. I completely abstain, no new years champagne, no cough syrup, nothing. I dont mind if people around me drink ( as long as they behave )and I do buy it if Im having guests etc. I dont judge.

Since you have kids, I have to say; Im sure you are a good dad. My dad was a great dad. I use to always wish he would quit drinking.I would beg him to stop and beg god to help him stop. Twelve years ago he decided to quit and after 3 days he had some kind of siezure because he was having severe DT's and since he was driving when it happened, he had a bad wreck and never made it home.  I miss him so much, its the worst thing thats ever happened to me. If I could have him back, I would let him drink all he wants, all day, every day and I wouldnt complain about it ever again. 

Good luck to you, its not easy as you know. And if you dont really want to stop; then don't. Its something that I think, unless your 100 percent commited to doing, will usually fail. If you need or want to, maybe talk to a doctor before you stop, make sure your okay to stop. I dont believe in AA for me  but Ive known people its helped. At 47 Im sure youve been down that road before. Im preaching to the choir I bet? Seriously though , I wish you the best.

 

[jimfriedrice]

what a story @girlgerms, I'm so sorry to hear about your father.  6 y/o is awful young to drink too much!  Although when I was around that age, I used to wake up early and drink the leftover drinks in my parent's glasses from the night before (whisky/ginger).  Yeesh.  Your last paragraph describes my struggle.  I really want to stop, then when I do my asshole booze-monster starts talking to me more and more and eventually I give in.  Not a fan of AA either, myself.  I've been to my doctor twice and the ox@zepam he gave me really helped.  Zanny is the only thing that feels the same, it just smooths out the anxiety when I want to drink.  I would feel like a real piece of shit going back to him a third time for help.  Trying to do this myself.  Idiotic, I know.  But I've done it before with no meds, and it ain't easy.

Oh and my math was wrong.  I had 4.5mg yesterday.  Down to 3 currently so it's time to shit or get off the pot as they say!  Your post was inspiring though, I'll read it again and again, so thank you.

 

[jimfriedrice]

Girlgerms, can you PM me?  I've been thinking a lot about your post today and want to ask you a couple of questions offline.  Thanks so much if you are willing to do so.

 

[2earls]

@girlgerms that's such a sad story. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know we would take our lived ones back in a heartbeat; all faults included.

 

[mountaincat9]

Jimfriedrice your story hurts my heart & I will definitely have to read it again when I can see through my tears. I understand your pain & can feel your daily struggles. I watched my brother die st your age from alcoholism. He was a good & loving father to his son as I know you are to your children. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you & praying you find the strength you so badly deserve. 

 

[jimfriedrice]

@mountaincat9, thank you so much.  Reading these testimonials really helps.  Seeing my doctor on Wednesday and will be looking into doing an IOP.  At first I dismissed it out of hand because I thought I'd have to miss too much work but turns out that might not be the case.  We'll see.  You guys are awesome.  ?

 

[mountaincat9]

Keep us posted! We're thinking about you!

 

[jimfriedrice]

UPDATE:  My doc's appt. got postponed to today.  It went well and my appeals for zannys went unappreciated, understandably so.  He gave me some references for IOPs and I actually got a call back tonight from one that's nearby.  I was busy feeding my kids so I'll be continuing that conversation tomorrow.  He'll also refer me to a psych doc who can prescribe meds more precisely for my mental issues than he can.  Still working through my recent SY supply, as slowly as possible.  I'm poor as shit due to a proceeding divorce.  Need to quite the booze, drinking to excess every night and take care of my kids 75% of the time.  It's a real juggling act.   Hope an IOP can help.  (Intensive Outcare Program, not intl online pharm).  Thanks again for all for the concern, caring remarks and testimony!

@girlgerms I'd still love to talk to you via PM, but I don't think I can initiate one yet.  I'm concerned and rather heartbroken considering the point of view of a daughter of an alcoholic dad. and would like to discuss this for a bit, if you're willing.  If not, that's cool too.

 

[jimfriedrice]

I did the intake for the IOP last week, and am startingt the program on Monday May 9.  I'm very fortunate to find a program that does a 5pm to 8pm program, and is not too far away.  This means I miss very little work.  M/W/F I'll need to leave about 45 mins early for four weeks starting Monday May 9.  My boss knows my situation and is totally cool with it  He's awesome.  Tomorrow I contact the Doc because I need to detox at least 5 days before the IOP starts, and they piss test on day one and randomly thereafter.  Hoping he gives me the oxazepams.  I've been stubborn with him about no impatient for detox, and he has relented so far.  It not, I still have a good supply from R left me to get me through the bad stuff.  As far as the program goes, Two strikes and you're out!  Scared as usual, but I've done this before and I hope this new intensive program can help the sobriety stick.  I'm an OK dad when drinking, but much more present for them when I'm not.

Wow, and re-reading my first post, I see that a month ago I was crawling out of a severe bout of depression that started in Feb and cratered around Valentines day.  I'm in a better place now, not good, but not as bad.  Ready to take on this challenge.  I'll try to keep you updated occasionally.  I'll answer any questions, and PMs are always appreciated.

thanks as always.  

-bob

 

[PTFC]

Good for you @jimfriedrice, I wish you every success. Keep us updated when you can.

 

[ElectroNymph]

Well done for even being able to work @jimfriedrice , when I had an alcohol addiction I couldn't function normally at all.

 

[jimfriedrice]

Thanks guys.  EN, I wonder if it has something to do with the type of work we do?  I'm in IT and I could fake it for years until the hand shaking started during the day (withdrawals) and I could barely type on another persons computer (troubleshooting, whatever) or taking notes in meetings.  Or maybe you were the type to have a couple of pops before, or maybe during work?  My dad used to do this, hiding pints of whisky in the men's room at work, sitting in his car drinking whisky during lunch break.  He went on short term disability and nearly drank him self to death, and would have died at age 55 if he didn't go to the hospital and detox.  He stayed sober until the day he dies at 72.  We got another 17 years of him which was pretty awesome.  Hearing him tell me these stories years ago, of his old drinking habits, made me never want to ever start drinking at work, as bad as I ever get.  I sometimes drink  while working from home, so I realize I'm being somewhat hypocritical.  

But I tend to ramble sometimes too, and I'll stop.  Thanks again.  I need to visit this board more often.  

 

[jimfriedrice]

Got the scrip for Oxasapm from Dr, so good to go!  Got a couple more drinking days left until I start the detox.  I'm targeting next Wed to be my first sober day, the program starts the following Mon with a piss test , which I must pass.  I know this sounds hypocritical and ridiculous but I'm gonna miss drinking so I want one last (hopefully for this time!) hurrah.  I want the IOP to help me figure out how to stop missing the drink so badly.

I'm also getting worried about zanny withdrawal by reading some other threads on this board.  I can't take unprescribed meds during during the IOP, or they'll kick me out, and day one is piss test.  (two strikes though).  I've been taking 1-2 mgms per day to get me through the work day.  I'd be a wreck without it.  Guessing the Oxasapm will help taper me off the Zs, which will be an approved benzo for my piss screens.  Never had a problem tapering off the Ozas in the past so hoping for the best.

 

[Biteme]

I used to drink a qt of vodka a day & more on weekends, but haven't had a drink in 28 years. I really needed to bottom out--get thrown out of college & risk loss of parole--before I was willing to stop & even then I only intended to quit for a year or so. I went through an inpatient rehab after detoxing at home on vals. It was pretty miserable, but it was also good to get away from everyone & everything. I know that's not possible for everyone. I went to AA for a few years after, even though I never believed in god. It does work & there are times when you need social support (this was before the internet). Anyway, I wouldn't right off AA, but it can be tricky to find a group that you can get along with. Of all my numerous addictions, alcohol definitely kicked my ass worse than anything else.

Good luck with the program you're entering. I know it sounds like a cliche but it does help to really know that you only need to make it through 1 day & worry about the next on when it comes.

 

[jimfriedrice]

I used to drink a qt of vodka a day & more on weekends, but haven't had a drink in 28 years. I really needed to bottom out--get thrown out of college & risk loss of parole--before I was willing to stop & even then I only intended to quit for a year or so. I went through an inpatient rehab after detoxing at home on vals. It was pretty miserable, but it was also good to get away from everyone & everything. I know that's not possible for everyone. I went to AA for a few years after, even though I never believed in god. It does work & there are times when you need social support (this was before the internet). Anyway, I wouldn't right off AA, but it can be tricky to find a group that you can get along with. Of all my numerous addictions, alcohol definitely kicked my ass worse than anything else.

Good luck with the program you're entering. I know it sounds like a cliche but it does help to really know that you only need to make it through 1 day & worry about the next on when it comes.

that's a fucking lot of booze man.  God bless you for keeping up the sobriety after that amount of hell.  Speaking of which, AA was OK, and I didn't mind the God stuff even though I'm atheist at best.  It's just the evangelical nature of the organization.  Not in a God way, just in their attitude that "this is your only path towards salvation".  I'm gonna give it another try but still, that shit kids pisses me off, so we'll see.

Thanks for reminding me about the cliche too.  I think it's something I need to really incorporate into my life.  

 

[2earls]

Best of luck @jimfriedrice. I'll be routing for you! @Biteme gave some great advice. Especially about AA and finding a group that's a good fit for you. Don't let the religious aspect bother you, it only matters that it's an effective program that will work, if you work it.