Any advice would be helpful. I'm frightened

[danny71]

Hi all. I have had some terrifying experiences lately. First a little backstory. I have been on Benzos for about 25 years. I had bad panic attacks in the 90s and Doctors were handing them out like candy back then. My body quickly gets used to them so they maxed me out at 2mg 4x daily of xanax. My Doctor passed away about 3 years ago so I searched everywhere and finally found one that put me on Kpins at only 1mg 3 xdaily.

I cannot get used to this low dose. I have been having constant anxiety and insomnia for years now. My Doctor does nothing. He is a Psychiatrist and has never heard of P.A.W.s. I am not sure that is what I have but it would be nice to have a Doc that would look into it instead of just giving me Gabapentin ( which I admit, did help me sleep). Now he is taking me off those because he said the FDA is Scheduling those.

OK, now for my big problem. Sometimes I will go two or three days without sleep because of this. Now this has been happening for years and of course I would be tired and cranky, but that is it. The last 4 times I have gone without sleep, by the third day I will go into a Psychotic episode. I cannot function well enough to use my phone. If the house caught fire I would probably run into my room instead of leaving the house (the corner of my bedroom becomes a safe-zone, I know it makes no sense). I forget to eat and drink fluids. I think things are happening that are not. After one night of sleep this all goes away. I become "normal" again.

I cannot take anti-psychotics, I developed an extreme case of Tardive Dyskinesia once while in a detox unit. They gave me those while trying to detox from xanax. I wasn't having any psychotic symptoms so I assume this was a preventative measure. I had to be rushed to the E.R, they rolled the crash cart in there, pumped me full of benedryl, it was really bad but thank god it went away when the antihistamine kicked in. I was told never to take an anti-psychotic again, including Phenergren.

I do not think I need them anyway since sleep gets rid of the problem. I have not even discussed this with my Doctor b/c I know he would probably just try to up my dose of Prozac (every problem I have, he just ups my Prozac). He will not prescribe a sleeping pill, nor will he up my dose of Kpins, even though my body hasn't gotten used to the smaller dose.

I do not have an addiction specialist in my area. I am truly terrified of slipping into a psychotic state and not returning. I feel alone and helpless. I have a great husband but this really scares him when this happens to me. He has to go to work and is afraid to leave me alone. He caught me pouring myself a glass of Pine-sol that I thought was apple juice so he tries to "baby Proof" the house before he leaves for work.

BTW I did go to the E.R once and they told me to get some sleep and not let this happen?! I do not stay up on purpose. I do not use any stims. They gave me 2 Mgs of Ativan and sent me home as bad as when I came in.

I am sorry for the long post. Does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts on what I could take to sleep, or what is wrong with me? Why is this happening now? Any advice or opinions are welcome. Thank you in advance!

 

[Ipon]

@danny71 Such a familiar story. Many of us are in the same boat. Myself included. I can't give you medical advice but, In my case when I was cut off of b3nz0z for no reason whatsoever. I sought help from five doctors and none of them would help me so, I simply help myself by getting what I need to match the routine I was on when I used to have a doctor who didn't want to see me suffer.

 

[danny71]

@danny71 Such a familiar story. Many of us are in the same boat. Myself included. I can't give you medical advice but, In my case when I was cut off of b3nz0z for no reason whatsoever. I sought help from five doctors and none of them would help me so, I simply help myself by getting what I need to match the routine I was on when I used to have a doctor who didn't want to see me suffer.

Thanks for replying. It is really terrible what they are putting people through. I have several friends who have chronic pain and they seem to have it even worse. One friend who had been in an accident at work several years ago had severe chronic pain in his leg. His Doctor controlled it with pain patches. Then he was cut off and put on Tr@mad0l. His pain was so bad for over a year that he just had his leg amputated below the knee. When he was on pain patches he led a fairly normal life and was able to hold down a job. Now he is on temporary disability, and medicaid will not pay for a prosthetic leg. You are correct, there are so many stories and it is all for nothing,

 

[Jacob Jashers]

Hi all. I have had some terrifying experiences lately. First a little backstory. I have been on Benzos for about 25 years. I had bad panic attacks in the 90s and Doctors were handing them out like candy back then. My body quickly gets used to them so they maxed me out at 2mg 4x daily of xanax. My Doctor passed away about 3 years ago so I searched everywhere and finally found one that put me on Kpins at only 1mg 3 xdaily.

I cannot get used to this low dose. I have been having constant anxiety and insomnia for years now. My Doctor does nothing. He is a Psychiatrist and has never heard of P.A.W.s. I am not sure that is what I have but it would be nice to have a Doc that would look into it instead of just giving me Gabapentin ( which I admit, did help me sleep). Now he is taking me off those because he said the FDA is Scheduling those.

OK, now for my big problem. Sometimes I will go two or three days without sleep because of this. Now this has been happening for years and of course I would be tired and cranky, but that is it. The last 4 times I have gone without sleep, by the third day I will go into a Psychotic episode. I cannot function well enough to use my phone. If the house caught fire I would probably run into my room instead of leaving the house (the corner of my bedroom becomes a safe-zone, I know it makes no sense). I forget to eat and drink fluids. I think things are happening that are not. After one night of sleep this all goes away. I become "normal" again.

I cannot take anti-psychotics, I developed an extreme case of Tardive Dyskinesia once while in a detox unit. They gave me those while trying to detox from xanax. I wasn't having any psychotic symptoms so I assume this was a preventative measure. I had to be rushed to the E.R, they rolled the crash cart in there, pumped me full of benedryl, it was really bad but thank god it went away when the antihistamine kicked in. I was told never to take an anti-psychotic again, including Phenergren.

I do not think I need them anyway since sleep gets rid of the problem. I have not even discussed this with my Doctor b/c I know he would probably just try to up my dose of Prozac (every problem I have, he just ups my Prozac). He will not prescribe a sleeping pill, nor will he up my dose of Kpins, even though my body hasn't gotten used to the smaller dose.

I do not have an addiction specialist in my area. I am truly terrified of slipping into a psychotic state and not returning. I feel alone and helpless. I have a great husband but this really scares him when this happens to me. He has to go to work and is afraid to leave me alone. He caught me pouring myself a glass of Pine-sol that I thought was apple juice so he tries to "baby Proof" the house before he leaves for work.

BTW I did go to the E.R once and they told me to get some sleep and not let this happen?! I do not stay up on purpose. I do not use any stims. They gave me 2 Mgs of Ativan and sent me home as bad as when I came in.

I am sorry for the long post. Does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts on what I could take to sleep, or what is wrong with me? Why is this happening now? Any advice or opinions are welcome. Thank you in advance!

He hasn’t heard of P.A.W.S., that’s ridiculous, Dr.’s are supposed to keep up with all the medical journals so they don’t fall behind everyone else who follows the research and P.A.W.S. isn’t a new thing , a rare thing or open to debate weather it’s real or not , it’s a actual thing. I feel for you brother I lost a 4mg of klonopin script once well it started with Xanax , wasn’t a big fan , ended up getting 10mg. of k pins a day but was fine at 4 when I lost them. You can rarely sleep, never sleep well, and people at work see the bags under your eyes and joke about it. 4 measly mg.’s is all I need 2 upon waking , and 2 after work. These new dr.’s and all their bs drive me crazy. They’re overqualified pill pushers and they only push the pills they’re told to by the pharmaceutical rep who gives them a cut. There no money in prescribing benzos even though that’s all some peoples need to function totally normal in life. Have a job , take care of the kids etc. I feel for you because I’ve been there. Etiz and a few others for sleep. Etiz will put you to sleep and you’ll wake up happy. There’s others , I’ve seen zolpiclone sold in powder . 15 mg. Will make you sleep great, but etiz has you waking up happy to start the day. 

 

[INeedsMyDrugz]

Danny,

Allright. Have you taken melatonin? You can get it otc most places. It is the very best in helping sleep. If they had this out when I started benz I would have not ever taken benz. 

Also, for a mild start in the eve try some Valerian root pilz...very relaxing. And there is combination of these herbs in bottles that say 'sleep' solution. They are all great! I know that coming off or changing meds causes probs that may not allow anything to work well for a time, but the long solution are these.

I try to take only 3mg of melatonin a night but I often double that for a time. You can safely take 10mg. 

I do take 1mg of xan with that, as well as 300mg of gaba script so yah I am not fully just relying on otc - I wish! so I do understand your situation. But if you start a low'ish amount of melatonin or similar, then if you get off the scripts you just up the melatonin. There you are. Hope this helps.

YOU GOT TO SLEEP!

 

[danny71]

He hasn’t heard of P.A.W.S., that’s ridiculous, Dr.’s are supposed to keep up with all the medical journals so they don’t fall behind everyone else who follows the research and P.A.W.S. isn’t a new thing , a rare thing or open to debate weather it’s real or not , it’s a actual thing. I feel for you brother I lost a 4mg of klonopin script once well it started with Xanax , wasn’t a big fan , ended up getting 10mg. of k pins a day but was fine at 4 when I lost them. You can rarely sleep, never sleep well, and people at work see the bags under your eyes and joke about it. 4 measly mg.’s is all I need 2 upon waking , and 2 after work. These new dr.’s and all their bs drive me crazy. They’re overqualified pill pushers and they only push the pills they’re told to by the pharmaceutical rep who gives them a cut. There no money in prescribing benzos even though that’s all some peoples need to function totally normal in life. Have a job , take care of the kids etc. I feel for you because I’ve been there. Etiz and a few others for sleep. Etiz will put you to sleep and you’ll wake up happy. There’s others , I’ve seen zolpiclone sold in powder . 15 mg. Will make you sleep great, but etiz has you waking up happy to start the day. 

IKR- Either that or he is ignoring it. I am sure he is probably required to give the least amount of care possible. I have to go to a Native American Hospital. It could be just me but everyone who walks in there is looked at like a useless Indian addict. My bro had severe pain in his shoulder pain, once he got in there he found out he had a torn rotater cuff. He was give rub on muscle cream and sent home. Bunch of B.S.

 

[Contressa]

You know.. there are lots of solutions for this. Is somthing like Etizolam a chemical you’d be interested in researching? I find that taking a gram of etizolam and mixing it in 250ml (one cup) of everclear or high proof vodka makes for a great solution. When studying the chemical it’s easy for me to take about 5 drops from a pipette to look at roughly 1mg of the solution under my microscope. I find the whole process very relaxing, and it has helped me overcome anxiety by giving me a hobby. I wish you the best of luck! 

 

[Nitetrain]

@danny71 I have to say bro 4 mg of kpins is a high dose. I guess it depends on your metabolism etc but I can’t imagine any dr. giving you a rx. for 10mg?!!!! That’s so over any PDR prescription recommendation I can’t imagine a pharmacy filling it. 

Are you talking about clonazepam?

 

[takingiteasy]

Is NA not a topic here? 

 

[tellme]

@danny71 It's a shame that some doctors would prescribe Benzodiazepines for longer than four weeks. If anyone is thinking of self-medicating himself with Etizolam or any other Benzo - please don't. Benzos have no therapeutic effect, they might seem like a quick solution but will only cause problems since they are highly addictive and rather work like recreational drugs other than like medicine.

Danny, I hope you succeed in putting an end to Benzos and I would recommend to try different types of anti-psychotics respectively neuroleptic drugs. There are typical, a-typical, and experimental anti-psychotics available. I took me 3 months to get used to my medication, in these 3 months I could not even leave the house and felt awful. But today I don't feel any side-effects anymore. I also couldn't sleep for days, the medication was an enormous help to achieve a daily routine again.

I am not a doctor, I can only share my personal experience. Maybe meds other than anti-psychotics would be a better choice for you. Maybe seek advice from another doctor.

I wish you all the best!

 

[chchtwo]

@danny71 ,

This is an older post of mine from the /I admit/ thread a while back.  I can relate to how you are feeling.  It's so worth it to force yourself out of the loop.  My life has been changed forever.  I got it back.  If there is one thing you can get out of reading it, it's worth it.  Remember who's in control.  I wish all the best of luck.

Wow, I just have to say that all of you are special people.  I can relate to so many things on here, however, I cannot even imagine being in some of your positions.  It makes me sad.  It makes it really hard to read.  If I wasn't on my meds, I would probably start crying and have to stop reading.  This is something special in this community in that there is so much love, caring, and understanding.  Honestly, I don't recall ever seeing such a community like this.  It's like we're all in the same boat, or have been in the same boat.  Thanks to all of the posters that had the courage to post from the soul.  Special thanks to all that supported those who posted.

I did notice posters facing many issues and I cannot even begin to offer appropriate advice, but I can offer one.  If it helps only 1 person, it's so worth it.

I admit that I was addicted to Xans for 12'ish years.  It was the most hellish experience I have ever had.  Depending on the time period, I was using 10-25 mg per day.  It worked so well at first overcoming heavy anxiety and other usual suspects of symptoms.  The biggest impact it has on me now is that I can hardly remember any of my life for that whole time period.  I was functional (until the last few years), but I had young kids and a wife and we had so many life experiences that I can't remember.  It makes me feel worthless and so sad.  I saw the writing on the wall in the middle of it, but kept going and going and going.  Definitely what pushed me to the end is when, every now and again, there would be a small interruption in supply, would of course lead to major wd's.  I've spent a lot of time in emergency rooms.  So, I started trying to quit on my own for 3 years.  That was hell because I was in a permanent state of wd's. You start to feel crazy.  I lived on my couch for most of that time period just because I literally couldn't do anything.   I used every method I could find and couldn't do it.  One of the more helpful resources was some paper/guide on tapering from xans to longer acting benzos by a doctor in the UK (look it up-a lot of good info).  I suppose it's possible to use that successfully, but I still could not do it.  After so much of this, it wears you down to nothingness, you stop caring or even being able to think of anything else.  And then a thought came to me one day and it kept building up over time.  I didn't give a f*ck about anything anymore.  I would sacrifice anything to get out (except my life).  Then, I gave in (key).  BTW, my wife was aware of the problem the last few years and give me major shit, but she ended up supporting me through the end.  So I started calling hospitals, showing up at emergency rooms.  On the 3rd hospital emergency room (county hosp), they gave me a referral to a treatment facility.  I kind of went in to the whole I'm in their custody thing and give us your shoelaces and the doors are locked btw.  I did not care.  So, it was the whole treatment thing (I had been in treatment before when I was younger-for overall drug abuse).  Meetings, a little exercise, when I finally could move properly, etc.  The doctor administered a taper plan to me with Tranxene.  I smile just by typing it.  It was so much easier than anything I had tried, it never gave me a buzz or feel good or anything that would make me want to abuse it  (that was  key too).  It was tough at first of course, still in major wd's, but they would give me a little something to help me sleep, which of course didn't help me for first few days  It was trazodone, which I still take today.  Then I slept for a few hours one night, and bit by bit, I started sleeping halfway normal.  I could walk easily, do minor exercises.  From that point on it was like a rocket ship.  I started to feel some normalcy.  I started running little laps in the courtyard.  Then helping the counselor with other patience that were on heavy meds or, for whatever reason, couldn't function much.  I was returning!!  It is by far the most amazing thing I've ever experienced.  I stayed there for only one week.  I was the only one there that hadn't been forced to be there by a judge or whatever.  So, after a couple of days of them seeing the true me (I kind of started to almost become one of the counselors-weird), they discharged me.  It was a strange feeling because it was like they didn't know what to do with all of the normalcy I was displaying.  So, the doctor set me up on a 3-4 month taper to complete on my own at home.  I gave it to my wife to give to me for a few weeks and then I took over.  The rest was relatively easy.  Started back, of course, with a psych that helped me through it with a little cocktail of meds that were truely long-term meds.  No benzo is a long term treatment.  I've still had problems since then, but nothing compared to that.  I still continue to improve and I am currently working on a breakthrough with my diagnosis that I am extremely optimistic about it.  I have done benzo's since that time (even xanax) and I am currently on .5 mg Klons.  It's like I've been cured though.  I stay away from xans mostly, but I have had to use them to bridge a gap on a 90 day script of the Klons.  But sometimes I just stop and I am okay.  They could never recapture control of my life.  I can see it, smell it, and hear it from a mile away.  Ok need to wrap this up as I've seen how long this paragraph is becoming.  Honestly, I could probably write a book about it.

For those of you stuck in the cycle, in my opinion, is just give up.  Give in to it.  You have to escape.  It only gets worse.  I risked my life for far too long by continuing.  I risked losing my family, I did lose my job, to give in.  True love  and caring will make it survive with loved ones.  Forget everything else and just do it.  Take a week or two off of work for medical leave.  Be honest with your loved one.  Try Tranxene, it worked very well for me.  I have never taken another one since then or even seen them around, talked about, nothing.  If you take them, it seemingly has no effect or is transparent somehow, but it is a benzo.  Try trazodone to help ease the transition to sleeping again.  It doesn't knock you out or anything.  For me, it just feels like a push in right direction to real, natural sleep.  Lastly, get help, find help.  It's out there.  For me, it was impossible to stop without help.  Have someone else administer the process.  It took me 1 week to get though the worst of it.  It seems silly looking back.  It ended up being easy.  It only took me over a decade, that I don't even remember that much, to figure it out.  Don't be afraid, in the end, relatively speaking, there was nothing to ever be afraid of. Best of luck, thoughts & prayers your way.

Respectfully,

chctwo

Update to now (feeling better and better all the time):

I now rotate between Depakote 500 mg ER and Trileptal 300mg (prefer Depakote) as mood stabilizers and anticonvulsants (I have a seizure disorder); 40 mg of Prozac;  .5 mg Klonopin-qty 20 to stay safe, while having it available if I really need it; Trazodone 50-100mg's (often just 50mg); Vyvanse 30mg for add.

Now that I see the list, it's longer than I thought it would be.  It took some major switching around to get to Depakote ER and Vyvanse (not a whole lot of side effects compared to othrs/smooth).  Addy's get me kind of jittery.  Vyvanse and Trazodone are life savers. Sleep and productivity = happy face.  I don't take Vyvanse on weekends (key to not getting addicted-I make an exception here and there).  Just got diagnosed within the last year and that part has really helped.  I have always expected the diagnosis, just never did it.  You have to find a doctor that will work with you to find a solution, for you.  I've dumped a few Psych's getting there.  A good PCP is the best bet.  You can get the referrals through them.  

Now I safely still play with psychadelics, some RC's, etc.  So I am more recreational now, but will treat myself somethimes, because I know the beast inside me, so I have to give it a little something to play with every once in a while. Getting ready to pull the trigger on some s@n p3d&ro. 

Good Luck and feel free to ask me anything at anytime.

Best regards,

chctwo

 

[danny71]

Wow, it is both good and disheartening to see that so many others are going through the same thing. Benzo's are more dangerous to come off of than heroin. It keeps getting worse for me.

I get my k-pins in the mail. Over Labor day weekend, I had to call them in Friday but they did not send them off that day and I knew by the time they got back from the holiday weekend and put them in the mail that it would be Friday (a full week late) before I got them.

So I was having the usual withdrawals, sleeplessness, irrational fear, unable to eat or drink because it comes right back up. That is all I remember.I woke up in a hospital Friday.  My husband called an ambulance when I went into a seizure. I was in a psychotic state when I got there. My husband, mother, sister and brother all told the Doctor I was in Benzo withdrawal. He refused to give me any. He admitted me for observation.

Then I went into a catatonic state for 4 days, I could not move. I could hear people talking around me. That Doctor preformed every test on me he could think of. I was otherwise healthy besides being catatonic and psychotic. I started to come around Friday. They made sure I could swallow food ( I could not walk or go to the bathroom without assistance) I was still in bad benzo withdrawal but he sent me home.

I got my hands on my k-pins and it took me about 2 days to come back to life, by Monday I was walking, bathing, eating, I was just week. All that Doctor had to do was give me a shot of Ativan and enough K-pins to get me by until they came in the mail, but he did nothing and racked up a 40 thousand dollar hospital bill.

I cannot help but feel hopeless. I take benedryl, meletonin, gabapentin too sleep but it does nothing unless I have my klonopin. I wish you all well. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

[chchtwo]

@danny71 Thanks for sharing.  That is an excellent point about doctors.  Many don't know how to handle or they presume you are just trying to sneak one by him/her.  There is an entry barrier into our health care system (especially ER's) concerning benzo withdrawals and addiction.  It is reprehensible when doctors discount any benzo withdrawals, especially if you've already had a seizure.  That can be dangerous ground.  I know the type of doctors you're talking about though.  My approach now with all doctors is be honest. I will now get stern with them, especially when I feel like I know more the situation medically than they do.  I've walked out of a doctor's office a few times.  Most of them try to stop me and try agree or negotiate.  Some doctors just waste your time with subjects like this, they skirt around the real issues.  Emergency room docs can be a joke.  Most times in the past, they end up giving me an Ativan, after they waste an hour or two, and send me on my way.  Overall, the thing that helped most with doctor's was getting a good PCP, they can usually hook you up with a psych or other specialists.  Then when you do go to an emergency room, you have other doctors on your side and an ER doctor will treat you with more respect.  I used to let them walk all over me trying to be nice and respectful and I was embarrassed.  It has definitely turned around for me.  A lot of it has to do with my psych.  Someone I get to dump all the crazy ass shit in my mind on to.  I hope things turnaround for you.  You should consider working with your psych to find some alternative treatments for sleep and anxiety.  The benzo thing only gets worse.  You need to unhook yourself as soon as you can.  The situation never improves, then you feel psychotic all the time.  Doctors first would be my recommendation.  Good luck!  We will be here for you.

Chctwo

Wow, it is both good and disheartening to see that so many others are going through the same thing. Benzo's are more dangerous to come off of than heroin. It keeps getting worse for me.

I get my k-pins in the mail. Over Labor day weekend, I had to call them in Friday but they did not send them off that day and I knew by the time they got back from the holiday weekend and put them in the mail that it would be Friday (a full week late) before I got them.

So I was having the usual withdrawals, sleeplessness, irrational fear, unable to eat or drink because it comes right back up. That is all I remember.I woke up in a hospital Friday.  My husband called an ambulance when I went into a seizure. I was in a psychotic state when I got there. My husband, mother, sister and brother all told the Doctor I was in Benzo withdrawal. He refused to give me any. He admitted me for observation.

Then I went into a catatonic state for 4 days, I could not move. I could hear people talking around me. That Doctor preformed every test on me he could think of. I was otherwise healthy besides being catatonic and psychotic. I started to come around Friday. They made sure I could swallow food ( I could not walk or go to the bathroom without assistance) I was still in bad benzo withdrawal but he sent me home.

I got my hands on my k-pins and it took me about 2 days to come back to life, by Monday I was walking, bathing, eating, I was just week. All that Doctor had to do was give me a shot of Ativan and enough K-pins to get me by until they came in the mail, but he did nothing and racked up a 40 thousand dollar hospital bill.

I cannot help but feel hopeless. I take benedryl, meletonin, gabapentin too sleep but it does nothing unless I have my klonopin. I wish you all well. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

[chchtwo]

@danny71 Try trazodone for sleep.  I still use that.  Might help.  You seem to be close to where I was before I got help.  Stuck in a permanent withdrawal state (until your body adjusts to new dosage).  Not sleeping.  Hallucinating big time.  Try seeking other solutions with a proper psychiatrist.

Chctwo

 

[danny71]

@chchtwo 

I, Thanks for responding. I do have a Psychiatrist. The problem is that he is in another state. The Pharmacist in the Choctaw Nation will not do anything. They used to give me a few until the Doctor called mine in.

Now they are treating benzo;s like opiates. Just cutting people off of either drug is mal-practice IMO. I saw my Doctor 2 months after this happened and he told me if I got another script of k-pins from another Doctor he would tun me in for Doctor shopping. I told him I had to be taken by ambulance`to a local hospital and I did not know where I was or what was going on. Then I asked him what I should do to prevent from going into a catatonic state and he just shrugged his shoulders. ( the E.R Doc wrote me a script for 3 .25 a day for 4 days, until my script came in the mail.) 

I have not hid anything from either Doctor (except when I have to take matters into my own hands.) I am just trying to survive and keep myself sane. The worst part is my life is inconsequential to them. I don't have insurance so trying to find another one is next to impossible. Oh I looked up Catatonia, the treatment for it is benzo's!

Take care .

 

[chchtwo]

That really sucks.  It is not responsible to cut people off from benzos that are addicted.  I remember similar issues.  I feel ya bro.  Ask your psych about a tranxene taper.  If they are willing to do it, take the opportunity, because that's what it is.   Be honest with them about the situation.  Start talking to doc about trying alternatives/combos/etc (you are going to have to find alternative long term treatments.  In the end, I was fighting the system for a solution and I was to the point I wouldn't/couldn't give up, and there IS a lot of unnecessary pushback.  If it gets worse, then just start hitting ER's with I'm addicted to benzos, what can I do to get help.  If that doesn't work, then add in that it's gotten bad enough, you are afraid something bad is going to happen.

Hang in there.  Keep fighting.  Get mad that you are not getting the care you need!

You will soon look back on this, relieved you got out.  

Thoughts and prayers,

chctwo

 

[Handsley]

That is one thing I don't mess around with is making sure I get benzos in my system.  I try my best not to go up in dosage and keep at the same level and try to take less if I can.  I just quit my job and got another because the anxiety was causing me to go up and up in dosage and I was so unhappy.  I know you said you can't take antipsychotics, but I tried some Seroquel, which sort of/kind of works if I have to go down in dosage and sleep.  But if my sleep is all messed up and I forget to take the benzo, you better believe within 24 hrs, I get the leg cramps and screaming in pain.  I've CT'd them twice when I was younger, but no longer feel that is safe.  I had the same symptoms you described, but did not know how dangerous that was.  One night screaming in the hospital and I was out of there thinking I can do this at home.  That was many years ago and would not try it again.  I was watching a TV news show and came across a story about liquid taper.  there's a You Tube video called use water to titrate your benzo.  It's a much slower taper than trying to cut pills.  I know I can cut 1/2 a pill and still have leg cramps.  with this method, you microdose the benzo  in water and it takes a very long time, but I've heard more than a few success stories.  Try to get blister packs or benzos in sealed bottles.  Most now are pressed, but still work.  Taking Etiz is also a good idea although I've never had to do it.  You just don't know what you are getting for sure.  I would like to taper my dose, but not come off completely.  Going to a much less anxious lifestyle has helped a lot.  Some people can't do that.  It got to the point where I was just screaming with hysteria in my basement  or my car because I was too overwhelmed with work and needed more and more benzos to help.  Now that I've changed a few things in my life, a benzo is not the first thing I go to.  I may not be able to keep my current lifestyle or even my house, but what's the point if you are so unhappy and working all the time with no time for fun and forum friends?   I know a lot of times we can't turn down the things that make us anxious and are cornered.  It took me 3 years to get enough courage to leave this job and I even had a planned 6 month exit plan, but one day just resigned.  If there's anything at all that you can cut down in your life that causes this need, do it!  Lucy helps me, too, tame the beast.   I might even react with a crying fit from it, but it's the kind that releases the anxiety and I do feel like it's a different kind of emotional release, the kind that helps the anxiety instead of bottles it until I explode and can't manage.  Many good wishes for you and I hope you find some answers.  For now my motto is no matter what, never run out and don't go up.  I don't know if that will ever change. 

 

[danny71]

Oh I agree with the never run out and never go up. When I went into a coma, up to a Catatonic state (this was 5 days in the hospital an 6 here at home with no benzos). The Doctor still refused to give me any benzos. After 11 days my own mother was sneaking me benzos along with kpins and Ativan from the rest of the family. The Doctor still did not believe that benzo withdrawal could almost kill me. After 11 days he pronounced I did not need anymore b/c it had been so long! Not once did they send a psychiatrist to an evaluation on me. The ones recommending me to try antipsychotics, I am grateful for your help but The Tardive Dyskinesia I got from 3 doses was terrifying. It can range to minor mouth ticks to what I had, which was full blown, tongue thrusting out of my mouth, unable to swallow, extreme pain. I scared my Doctor who went  running to his PDR to find out what to give me. I had 3 of these episodes, each as painful as the next, my Doctor gave the proper treatment then promptly kicked me out of the hospital, saying my case was to difficult for this small town hospital. On that we agreed So he called local large hospitals, 3 to be exact, all unwilling to help me because I had no insurance. So I was left on a curb with my bags.

This taught me that that I as a human being was no where near as important as insurance and pharmaceutical companies. If something happens to me from lack of care there would not be an Attorney. If I could survive, not live, survive on 3 kpins a day. I could afford insurance from the ACA if Trump does not kill it first. He has no backup up plan either. I want medicare for all. But it looks like Biden will be my nominee, no one wants to riska Bernie/Trump ticket but maybe Bernie can still come up with a good plan and if we get all the party before Country Senators out, things will change in the health care field will start to change. I am will to move to Canada if my husband can find a proper job there. He is a skilled blue collar worker but How do you look for jobs in another Country? Suggestions?

Again, thanks so much for all your help and suggestions, it just that after 30 years of this stuff I have tried all, herbs, benzos, antidepressants (those I can afford) and antipsychotics available to me. Im done with searching. I am only as important as my healthcare insurance. Do you guys think healthcare treatmentment is better in a Blue state? Just asking until We can find something in one of these "evil" socialist Countries.

 

[chchtwo]

@danny71

Wow, thanks for posting this.  I feel for you big time.  Unimaginable pain in your mind and probable issues with your body at this point in the process.  You just want to get out of the xanax cycle of death and try to get back to normal and rejoin life.  Forever!  Voila, you are back in life with the 300 pound gorilla off your back.

My experience is that the key to all of this is when the pain is assaulting your very being means more to you than continuing (you know the answer to that) down this crazy path.  There is absolutely no reason to have any negative thoughts about this.  This can only be positive, especially for yourself.   I can truly tell you that it is not difficult.  It was freaking easy (for me) Compared to the pain and suffering.  The synopsis of what happens when you walk through the door:

>Going through registration (unless you preregister, if that is a thing) - No big deal

>Go through processes for medical and safety:    Weigh you, take blood, take temp, blood pressure, drug test (results don't have any consequence, other than the doctor has to know exactly what he is dealing with, to decide his action, and form a treatment plan). 

>Put fancy uniform on:       No big deal.  You are just as much in a regular hospital at this point (and you will feel kind of like that is a good thing).  The uniform is not revealing or anything.

>Treatment:     I think sleep is a big part of the Xanax experience, especially sleeping while in withdrawal.  The doctors give the treatment plan to nurses.  The nurses ensure you get your medicine.  The goals here are to get you off of Xanax in a way that does not affect you in any negative way, and to try to get you to sleep one night or two.  They used Tranxene (for the Xanax part and yes, it is a benzo) and Trazodone (for sleep-they try to get you on something as safe as possible that works for you, preferably something non-addictive, no tolerance issues, safe to take long-term).  If you run into obstacles during that, the doctor will help you with something else.  I always say great things about these particular medications, but they are the specific combination that worked for me personally, there are other combinations that could work for you.  I slept maybe 2 hours the first night.  Been there, no prob.  Make it through the next day, a little worn out, sleep-wise and not feeling it physically.  I do the schedule, set forth for my section/wing, we have three meals a day, free time with entertainment options, Outside time (free or something they have setup-grass bowling, lol).  There were a couple of short classes every day.  One was there for you and your personal situation and mental well-being; emotions.  The other was for drugs/addiction/physiology.  Both meetings operate kind of life a true live forum.  The people that want to say something get to say their situation/opinion/question for starts.  It could be a topic that is sad to hear some of the others and their issues.  Or it could be positive.  Doesn’t matter.  Everyone is given a chance to respond, but nobody has to.  If no one does respond, that thread is over.  So, another question is asked of somebody and it goes through the same process.  You would have long threads and short threads.  You actually get into some interesting discussions: I think it’s designed so more patients participate and it seems to work.  The second class is more of an intellectual discussion on drugs, the brain, addiction, etc.  A lot of it is physiological in nature.  Here’s what the participation looks like in the first class. Your requirements (personal name, drug that is an issue-or combo, maybe how old, not much more than that; also, you don’t have to say anything at all-that is an option).  There are some that will [SIZE=14pt]complain, argue, or not participate at all, especially in the first class.  [/SIZE]Those are usually normal and okay, the verbiage/conflict gets real, and the doctor maintains the direction and oversight for any issues needing attention.  So, the things that come out of that meeting (both 1 hour long, maybe a little longer, or a bit shorter, lol), are more educational oriented.  We talked about drug types, specific drugs (ins and outs), and addiction, all of which was broken down to the physiological [SIZE=14pt]level.  [/SIZE]  That is one full day, more or less.  Meanwhile, they are administrating the benzo to very slowly taper it down multiple times a day.  Then, back to sleep.  They adjusted my dosage of trazodone to help me sleep.  That night was still tough (4-5 hours laying there still suffering from the withdrawal).  I ended up getting about 5-6 hours of sleep.  I could notice I was starting to feel better.  I just felt worn out.  So, same daily schedule.  Also, I forgot to mention, since it probably matters to some, we did get scheduled smoke breaks.  The only catch is that you had to have your own, whether you brought them in, or a friend or relative brought them in for you.  Others were allowed out there that were proven smokers, but you weren’t allowed to give it to someone that didn’t have any.  I felt bad.  The hospital would bring in a pack every once in a while and they would give 1 to each person that didn’t have one, then save the rest.  Maybe they might come back the next break, or maybe the next day, and hand out the balance of the pack.  I got lucky I brought some, then I had my wife bring a little more to get me through.  I would give these cigarettes to the people that didn’t have any (away from the cameras and when the guard wasn’t looking) whenever possible.  I got into trouble a few times, but they never did anything.  Moving forward, that night I slept a full night (6-10 hrs).  The grip felt like it was getting slight looser.  I was really in a good mood and I participated heavily in all classes/discussions.  For the free time (I was feeling some energy), I ran around the track the whole time at a brisk pace, having to dodge and weave, sometimes making my own track on the outside of the real track.  It was a full workout.  I was kind of sore already.  That night a slept a full, healthy sleep.  I woke up with even more energy, but leg muscles were really, really sore.  I was happy all around in meals, classes, outside time (this was when I started helping the nurses and the patients).  It felt good to help, some nurses loved it and were thankful, and others would give me goofy looks, like I snuck in some other sort of drug that was making me act that way.  I so was not bothered or concerned.  I felt great after, I think 4 days, and they didn’t know what to do with me or how to act.  So, my appointment that day with the psychiatrist, I had no idea what I was going into, was I getting in trouble, was I just going to have a normal meeting about my progress, no clue, but had a little tickle in my stomach about it.  So, he explains to me that I don’t need to be there, that I should be able to do this at home.  He gives me some advice, insight, and caution.  So, before I left, that’s when I got to say goodbye to all that I had some sort of connection to during my stay.  So, my wife takes me home and I explain the administration thing and what to expect.  She administers for a while, then I do the rest.  The whole things seems completely behind me.  I am so happy.  Less than a week!!  All based on a decision.  There are preconceived notions about taking this route and maybe what other people might think of you (job/friend, etc.).  That’s all garbage.  You have to do it for yourself, no matter what.


[SIZE=14pt]It sounds like you still have problems with consistent meds, the doctors you have available and how they view things, financial issues, no insurance, etc.[/SIZE]



[SIZE=14pt]What if I said I am willing to try to help you get into a facility, despite all of those circumstances.  There are tons or grants, non-profit orgs, special organizations, hospitals, etc. that you can leverage to get the treatment you need.  Sounds like a no brainer to me.  In any case, I hope you are okay and if you are interested, post here or pm me.[/SIZE]



Best of luck/Best regards/Hang in there.



chctwo   


PS:  I posted something in the /I admit . . thread yesterday.  It might be worth reading.  Usually with these bad xanax issues, there is more of an overlying/underlying issue, from a psychological perspective.  I talk a little about this in that thread.

Think about it!


 


>

Sleep akes big appearance in the whole equaation) to give you a substitute benzo, Sleep akes big appearance in the whole equaation) to give you a substitute benzo,  not that uncomfortable compared to the last however many year.