Joke Of The Day

[High Tide]

I've got tons of these posted on another forum. I'll try to remember to copy and paste at least one a day. Here are a few of the better ones (imo anyway) to get started. I had them in an invitation only section there, so keep in mind that some are adult content and some are bound to be offensive to someone for one reason or another. So read at the risk of being offended, and please know theres nothing meant to hurt anyone intentionally.

Did you hear about the guy caught in a flood? Water gets starts coming in the house and rescuers come by pulling boats. "Sir, you need to come with us, the water is rising fast" they said. "No thanks, you can help others because the Lord will take care of me" he said. Water rises to the second story and rescuers drive up in boats telling him to get in. "Don't worry about it, the Lord will take care of me" he says. Finally the water is so high he gets on the roof. A helicopter comes to help, telling him to get in the basket. "No thanks, you can help others because God will take care of me."

Suddenly the house breaks apart, the guy falls in and drowns. The next thing he knows he is in heaven, next to God. "My Father what happened, I expected you to save me!" he says to God. God says, "What do you mean? How stupid can you be? I sent two boats and a helicopter to save you!"

 

[High Tide]

There are three guys standing at the Pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven.

The first guy meets St Peter, who tells him "Your transportation in Heaven is based upon your fidelity to your spouse, were you faithful"? The first guys says "No I had at least a hundred affairs during my twenty year marriage." St Peter says, Thats too bad, now you have to drive this beat up Pacer in heaven". The second guy answers "I've had three affairs in my forty year marriage, and my wife knows all about them." St Peter agrees thats not a bad record and tells him, "You get a two year old Ford to drive in heaven". The last guy tells St Peter "I've been married over fifty years and never once slept with another woman". Everyone agrees this is most impressive and St Peter says "For you we have the ultimate prize, a brand new Bentley to drive around heaven.

Several days pass and the three men meet at an intersection. The guy in the Bentley is sobbing uncontrollably. The others walk up and ask what could be wrong, he is almost the only person in heaven with a car that nice. He tells them "I was sitting here when I saw my wife go through the intersection". "Whats the matter, you should be overjoyed" the others say. "But you don't understand, he says, she went through on a skateboard!"

 

[High Tide]

Superman is flying over the city when he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on top of a building. Thinking how long it's been since he had sex he figures it cant hurt anything to fly by and "hit it" real quick. She is spread eagle, all he has to do is fly by faster than a bullet...which he does. Suddenly Wonder Woman hears a sound, whoosh. She says "What in the world was that?" "I don't know, but whatever it was it stung the heck out of my butt!" said the Invisible Man.

 

[High Tide]

Teacher asks the class to each think of something exciting they have done or seen. First they should draw a small picture on the board, then tell what their story.

One little boy walks up and draws a dot on the board. Teacher asks what it is and he says it's a period. What's so exciting about a period she asks. I don't really know he says, but last week my sister didn't have one. Then for some reason my mom started crying, my dad got really mad, and the guy next door shot himself!

 

[High Tide]

Two old guys were chatting......

One said to the other:

"My 85th birthday was yesterday.

The wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!.....

Imagine, an SUV!!..

What a great gift!"

First guy:

"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

 

[High Tide]

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

 

[High Tide]

A trapper gets a visit from his nearest neighbor, a days travel away from him. The guy says, "You need to come to my Hoedown next week, it'll be the best party you've ever seen." The trapper asks what will be going on. "We'll start playing cards and drinking, then we'll eat and drink, then there will be singing and drinking, followed by dancing and drinking." "At the end there will be a bunch of drinking, then sex and probably some fighting."

"Sounds like a heck of a party, what should I wear", the trapper asks. The other guy says, "I don't think it will matter, it's just going to be you and me!"

 

[High Tide]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

[High Tide]

How does eating yogurt and oysters improve your sex life? Because if you can eat that stuff you can eat anything.

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

 

[High Tide]

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

 

[Jewbacca]

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

Well, I suppose I should be offended, having a JD and all, but you've received a "like" because your joke essentially sums up why I never practiced law a day in my life! Well done...

 

[High Tide]

Don't be afraid of posting redneck jokes, or any type you like. Someone is always going to be offended one way or another, it's how jokes work. I'm glad to know you can take it without getting angry, it just makes me wonder what else you can take. (Gay joke, which I'm guessing you can accept by the posts on another thread.)

 

[Jewbacca]

Don't be afraid of posting redneck jokes, or any type you like. Someone is always going to be offended one way or another, it's how jokes work. I'm glad to know you can take it without getting angry, it just makes me wonder what else you can take. (Gay joke, which I'm guessing you can accept by the posts on another thread.)

LOL, well, I can dish it out, I can take it, but I'm sure not "accepting", if you know what this female loving, over-sexed wookie is saying! And all kidding aside, yes, you'll have a "hard time" offending me, so to speak. Slam and Soldier can vouch for that.

 

[Jewbacca]

Don't be afraid of posting redneck jokes, or any type you like. Someone is always going to be offended one way or another, it's how jokes work. I'm glad to know you can take it without getting angry, it just makes me wonder what else you can take. (Gay joke, which I'm guessing you can accept by the posts on another thread.)

And yeah, you better get ready if you're inviting me to start in with the redneck jokes! A female "friend" of mine (ok, maybe "fuck buddy" is more the term!) is a fairly high ranking employee at Arkansas, so believe me, I've had a lot of practice!

Wooooooooo-PIG-Soooooooieeee!

 

[High Tide]

Are you kidding? You really know Petrinos ex girlfriend? I wouldn't mind an intro to that myself.

I'm trying to recall the other member who is a Razorback fan. Oh yeah, just have to open another tab and see it is Boo. He made a joke about A&M joining the SEC later which flew right over my head. The others I'm used to chatting with about CFB really don't have a clue, so I missed the whole sarcastic point and fell right on my face. Lucky for me I've already hit all the branches on the proverbial "ugly tree", so the damage was only to my ego.

 

[High Tide]

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

 

[High Tide]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These fucking girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

[High Tide]

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The

bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are

ya?"

"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at

him and says "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very

bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man

looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is

staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"

 

[High Tide]

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the

hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging

at him, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:

"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."