Joke Of The Day

[High Tide]

A chemist, educated at Auburn University, goes hunting with an Alabama graduate. BTW that Bama grad was celebrating the fact that his team was #1 in the AP poll while AU was unranked.

Deep in the woods the chemist starts having belly cramps. "Oh no, I've got to crap" he tells his friend. Looking around quickly he notices that all the leaves have fallen an lay on the ground, crispy dry. "How can I wipe myself", he asks the smarter Bama grad. Without missing a beat the Bama guy says "Do you have a little money on you"? "OF course I do" is the answer.

"Well, just use the smallest amount you have to start, and move up as far as you have to until the job is complete", the Bama guy tells his buddy. The chemist disappears for a few minutes and the Bama guy hears him returning, mumbling curse words. He looks and chemist is wiping his hand on every tree he passes. It's obvious there was a problem during the cleanup operation. "What went wrong", he asks the irritated chemist. "I used three pennies, four nickels, two dimes and six quarters, but still got crap on my hands" the chemist says.

 

[High Tide]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[High Tide]

This woman comes home after a long day at work and slams the door. Her husband is waiting on the couch for her because she is very late, "where in the hell have you been" asks the husband. "I stopped at the bar to have a few drinks", replies the wife, "but don't you worry, I'll never go back to that damn bar again"!!! Noticing that she is obviously upset about something the husband begins to question her, "what happened at the bar"? The wife starts explaining how this guy was hitting on her real hot and heavy and saying some pretty nasty things.

The husband jumps up and explains how he's going to kick this guy's butt and heads to the door. As he's putting on his coat he asks, "SO WHAT ELSE, what else did this bastard say to you"??? The wife says, "well, a lot of things .... I mainly remember him saying that he was going to fill my pussy full of beer and drink it down to the last drop". The husband slowly starts to remove his jacket, hangs it on the coat rack, and begins to sit back down. "Whats wrong" asks the wife, "aren't you going to go deal with that pervert". The husband looks over at the wife and says, "I ain't messing with NO man that can drink that much beer"!!

 

[High Tide]

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"

Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.

"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

 

[High Tide]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

 

[High Tide]

The Unhappy Man

A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in

the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit

suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window. As he looked down from

the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and

happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so

happy.

Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a

minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."

The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel

itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."

 

[High Tide]

A lady sits down next to a man on a plane. The guy sneezes, takes out his penis, and wipes his penis off. The lady thought maybe it was just a one time thing.

About ten minutes later the guy sneezes again and does the same thing. The lady thinks, "If he does it again I'll confront him."

Fifteen minutes later he does the same exact thing. So she says to him, "Why do you keep doing that?" He says, "I have a disorder, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The lady says, "What are you taking for it?"

He says,"PEPPER!"

 

[High Tide]

A man got a raise and decided to go out and buy a scope for his hunting rifle. He went to a gun shop outside of town and the clerk fitted a scope to his gun.

"This scope is so good, you can read the name on the mailbox of my house way up that hill," the clerk said, pointing out a window.

The man looked through the scope and a big grin went over his face.

"What's so funny?" asked the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman through the window."

"That can't be!" the clerk exclaimed, taking the rifle. "My wife's at work."

Looking through the scope he found the man was right. Furious, he gave back the rifle and said,

"The scope is yours free if you take these two bullets. Shoot my wife in the head, and then shoot off that guy's wang."

The man, looking through the scope, said, "I think I can do that in one shot."

 

[High Tide]

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a

large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.

As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have

some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.

The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the

farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "Those animals are talking! If that sheep

says anything about me, it's a damned lie!"

 

[99 Luftballons]

I pray I offend many peeps with this /default_wink.png I make many ref to myself in this so FUCK YOU if you are overly sensitive. I mean that with all due respect... /default_smile.png

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?

A: Boobies

Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

A: The grass tickles their balls

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?

A: Her navel.

Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

Q: How do you kill a retard?

A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: What's the job application to Hooters?

A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.

Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents that you are gay.

Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?

A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

A: If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics

A: Not being a retard.

Harlem High School cheer:

Fried chicken, watermelon, cadillac car,

We're not as dumb as you think we is.

A black guy walks into an employment agency.

"Hi. I really really wanna job. Do you have anything?" he asks.

The woman behind the desk looks up and replies; "You're in luck! One just came in. A multi-billionaire needs a driver to drive him around. He's only here one week out of the year, the rest of the time the top-of-the-line-car is yours. But you do have to look after his twin, model, nymphomaniac daughters whilst he's away. And this job pays 300k a year. Interested?"

The black guy starts to smile. "Come on... you're bullshitting me right?"

The woman looks up and says "Well, you started it."

Q what's the worst thing you can call a black person?

A neighbor

Q what would you call fred flintstone if he were black?

A nigger

Q:What do you call a boat-full of niggers going back to Africa?

A:A good start

Q:Why do white people go to black peoples yard sales?

A:To get there shit back

Q:What do you call a nigger on a bike?

A:Thief

What's red and got more brains than Kurt Cobain?

The wall behind him.

Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

A: They left the plunger in the toilet.

Q: Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard.

A. Neither did she!

An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.

"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

Q. Difference between a black man, and a park bench?

A. The park bench can support a family.

 

[High Tide]

Awww sh!t, you had to put that stuff on the rednecks thread didn't you? I have to admit some are funny as hell and I haven't heard them before, but damn! When I said people might be offended I meant dickheads, c0cksuckers and mostly... ladies.

Before people get the wrong idea, I like black people. In fact I think everybody should own one.

F**k, now you have me doing it too. By which I mean I can still Miracle Whip whether y'all believe it or not. I would screw the one I eat but she takes a lot of my meds and I don't expect her to screw me twice in one day. So when she leaves I watch the hidden camera and do my second favorite thing.

 

[99 Luftballons]

A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said, " Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."


The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."


"Yes, I know," the man said.


The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"


The man replied, "The light was on."

Q: What do you get when you take ecstasy and birth control pills?


A: A trip without the kids.

Q: What are the first five words a crackhead in a three piece tailored suit hears?

A: "Will the defendant please rise"

​

Q: What do you call someone who stays up for 14 days straight?


A: A two-weeker.

​

So this guy is on speed, which makes him feel really horny, so he walks into a whore house to get himself a good f**k. On the inside he remembers that he's a bit short on cash so he says to the mistress:

- "Listen, I only have five dollars, can you help me out?"


The lady says:


- "Sure, go up the stairs and go in the door on the right."


The guy goes up the stairs and in through the door. He sees a chicken sitting on a table. He is a little disappointed but the speed is kicking in so he figures:


- "Oh well you get what you pay for!", and he screws that chicken to near death, there are feathers flying everywhere.

So the next day the guy is still a bit high and decides to go back to the whorehouse. He says to the madam:

- "Listen lady, I've only got two bucks today. Can you do anything at all for me?"


- "Sure!" says the madam. "Go up the stairs and in the door on the left this time".

The guy goes in through the door on the left and finds a bunch of guys staring through a two-way mirror at two beautiful lesbians having sex.

-"This is fantastic. Only two bucks for this!!" the guy says to one of the other men. The other man says


- "Yes, but you should have been here yesterday, there was guy in there fucking a chicken!"

Q: Why do crank-users like to "do it" doggie style?


A: So, they can both look out the window at the same time.

 

[99 Luftballons]

My doctor told me to stay away from methamphetamine. So I bought a fifteen-foot straw.

 

[High Tide]

LOL, now thats funny. I cant handle speed. I'm already a sex maniac and that or coke just makes things worse. I once did cola so long I thought about trying to be a sex therapist to get access to women who were horny too. great idea for someone with a GED right? But it was really something I thought might work. then my dealer died, may he RIP, and my supply dried up then I came to my senses. That coca really made me crazy for sex. Crazy enough to go see my wife who was 50 lbs bigger than I was. Big girls just are not my turn on. So bad I'd go a year alone when she was just a mile away.

 

[99 Luftballons]

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ***.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

 

[High Tide]

GD, have you been reading my psychiatrists charts? Some of those are the same thing he said.

As far as my age I can count that high, it's just the years go by so fast I can't react quick enough.

And I don't know anything but still manage to ramble on and on.

My parents were not siblings but sometimes my brother calls me cuz. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Nature may have screwed me but I returned the favor. I know a place where chicken f**king only costs $5.

Sometimes my brain does feel brand new. Mix enough cariso and zolps together and a good 8 hours is completely lost.

All kidding aside, I think my brother, sister and niece held an intervention a few nights ago. I know they were here looking at me and talking but I couldn't talk back. They may have been asking to join the party, idk. They looked to serious to be much fun.

 

[High Tide]

Murphy's Laws of Computing

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

 

[High Tide]

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They're supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

[99 Luftballons]

/Thats funny shite

 

[99 Luftballons]

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."