Joke Of The Day

[DGSB0708]

K... so picture the ugliest dude you know and then double that.  So there's this guy and he looks like that.  Thing is, he's filthy rich but still a virgin.  So one day, he decides to go to Vegas and hit up the brothels outside the city limits.  He rents out a penthouse suite, rents a huge limo, gets a big wad of cash and sets out on his quest to get laid.  He hits up the first brothel.  The head madam takes one look at the dude and says, "oh I'm so sorry, we are fully booked for the next month".  But I know someone who might be able to take you, here's her card".  The madam give the guy the card and it just says Sally Sandpaper with a phone number.  He proceeds to every single brothel there is and gets shut down at each one because he is just too ugly.  A couple of the other madams also gave him Sally's card.  He heads back to his hotel room and proceeds to get really drunk and depressed because even though he has as much money as anyone in the world, he can't even get laid at a brothel.  He figures Sally must be some really disgusting, horrific woman.  Anyhow, once he gets drunk enough he finally decides to call.  So Sally answers and he hears the most sweet, sexy, voice pick up and she tells him she has an opening in an hour.  He gets back in the limo and hauls ass over to the address she gives him.  He's drinking in the limo because sexy voice or not, he figures she has to be even uglier than him, but he's determined to lose his virginity.  So he gets to the building, a very nice building BTW.... goes to the door, rings the bell and one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen opens the door and says, "I'm Sally, come on in".  She tells him it will be $1000 for an hour paid in advance.  So he hands over the cash and into the bedroom they go.  They start to get down and he is finding it hurts when he's in her, it hurts a lot.  He asks if this is normal and she says, "oh heck, hold on a minute, I forgot something".  She heads off to the bathroom and is gone for like 10 minutes.  She hops back into bed and says lets go.  Now, he's amazed, it's like silk, so soft, so smooth.... so about a minute later he finishes and asks, "so what did you do to make it not hurt me"?  Sally looks at him, smiles slyly and says "Oh, I picked my scabs". 

Have a happy day!  S-

 

[High Tide]

I had forgotten about this thread until you posted that one DGSB0708. Let me go throw up and I'll find another one.  /default_wacko.png

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a
large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.
As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have
some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.
The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the
farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "Those animals are talking! If that sheep
says anything about me, it's a ****ed lie!"

 

[High Tide]

A elderly, single, third grade teacher was informed she would have to teach sex education.
She was quite upset and refused the assignment. She didn't think she would actually be able to talk about the subject. Eventually, she changed her mind as the alternative was to be fired.

On the first day of school she drew a woman's body on the blackboard, pointed to the chest and asked the class "Does anyone know what this is called?"

Jane, who was sitting in the first row, raised her hand and answered "It's called a 'breast' and my mommy has two of them!"

"Very good," said the teacher. Then she drew a male body on the board, pointed to the groin, and asked "Does anyone know what this is called?"

This time Billy raised his hand. "I know what it is! It's called a 'penis' and my daddy has two of them."

"I don't think your daddy has two of them."

"Yes he does!" said Billy. "A little one that he uses to pee, and big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"

 

[DGSB0708]

What's the dirtiest thing ever said on TV?
"Ward, weren't you a little rough
on the beaver last night?"

 

[High Tide]

That's a good one. I request and appreciate all others to submit their favorites. I tend to forget to update it as often as I possibly could, so getting help from others is always nice. 

 

[DGSB0708]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

 

[High Tide]

Q. What do you call two skunks having 69?
A. Odor Eaters.

Q. Why does an elephant have four feet?
A. Because six inches isn't long enough. (To be honest I only have two feet /default_smile.png )

Q. What is the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

Q. Did you ever hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it's cheap and spreads easy.

Q. What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell the customers stuff, but can't eat it.

Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A. Michael Jackson's hand. (may be too soon for that one)

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, and a bitch sleeps with
everyone at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an altar boy.

 

[High Tide]

CHINESE TORTURE

A young man is lost, in a forest, when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost" said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly" the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK" said the man. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted and happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." Well that's pretty crappy he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground, he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

 

[High Tide]

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

" Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

" Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'


When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, " From way back there I thought you said goats."

 

[High Tide]

Proud Texan Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

(Note, also applies to elephants)

 

[High Tide]

A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer (aka High Tide) with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"

The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you."

The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, "One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite... And, I said to myself, 'Holy shit! I've caught a whale!'"

"No kidding?" pried the boy. The geezer continued, "But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..."

"And?" interjected the boy. "Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?'"

 

[DGSB0708]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.
===========================================

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
==============================================

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.
=====================================

Have a nice night!  /default_smile.png  S-

 

[High Tide]

1st one....lol

2nd one... I heard it, but its a good one

3rd one.... I hate to admit, I lol'd. I'm so glad we finally got rescued!  /default_huh.png

 

[High Tide]

Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."


****************************

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"


*****************************

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a ‘P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


*****************************

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


*****************************

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.


*****************************

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"


*****************************

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:

Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"


*****************************

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

*****************************

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

*****************************

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to - "

Customer: "I don't care about any ‘Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the ‘little picture' of a file cabinet...is ‘little picture' OK?"

Customer: [click]

*****************************

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spacehip and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on ‘File,' then ‘New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

 

[High Tide]

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

 

[High Tide]

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're f***ing ugly too!"

 

[High Tide]

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he'd better be our son-in-law."

 

[High Tide]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

 

[The Shattered Soldier]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

I love that one!  Kind of reminds me of the guy who asked me how to get his dick as big as mine.  I told him that when he's having sex with his girlfriend to push it in real slow and pull out real fast.  That will stretch it out and add a good amount of length.

So the guy tries it out on his girlfriend one night and she immediately pushes him off of her.  Confused, the guy asks, "why the hell did you do that?" 

She turns over and says, "you fuck like that god damned Shattered Soldier!"

 

[High Tide]

You're a riot, you crazy fool! /default_biggrin.png I'd love to get a chance to sit around and have a few drinks and see if some aliens come around. That only happens when the party is really good. /default_wink.png