Joke Of The Day

[eleventeen]

It's not the best joke ever, but it's my favorite one ever:  (which tells you something about me)

A bear walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and  .............................. some nuts." 
The bartender said, "OK Sure, but - Why the big pause?"

 

[Denise]

  The Drunk Irish Driver

From Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this story.

(Only the Irish could think of this ......gotta love the Irish).

 
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town.  After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said Paddy , truly proud of himself. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy!



H/T - from a good friend who knows I love Irish humor

 

[High Tide]

Damn Denise, I hurt my ribs about two weeks ago and laughing causes it to hurt worse than anything. That really hurt, but I got to admit it made lol. /default_biggrin.png

How did I hurt my ribs, apparently leaning out the car window to give a friend a hug. Leaned to the left and hurt my ribs on the right side. Never felt a thing until a few minutes later while driving to go fishing. Had a Dr appt yest and ex-ray today, will see if anything shows up next week. Everyone seemed to agree it was probably ribs, so wasn't worried about rushing to a Dr, with ribs theres not much you can do but wait and let it heal anyway.

Anyway, back on topic...

 

[High Tide]

A man got a raise and decided to go out and buy a scope for his hunting rifle. He went to a gun shop outside of town and the clerk fitted a scope to his gun.

"This scope is so good, you can read the name on the mailbox of my house way up that hill," the clerk said, pointing out a window.

The man looked through the scope and a big grin went over his face.

"What's so funny?" asked the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman through the window."

"That can't be!" the clerk exclaimed, taking the rifle. "My wife's at work."

Looking through the scope he found the man was right. Furious, he gave back the rifle and said,

"The scope is yours free if you take these two bullets. Shoot my wife in the head, and then shoot off that guy's wang."

The man, looking through the scope, said, "I think I can do that in one shot."

 

[High Tide]

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

 

[Denise]

@High Tide    GOOD ONES!

Have you seen these?

 http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

What a great imagination!

 

[High Tide]

Dad gummit sweetheart, you gotta quit! I've got tears running down my face from laughing so hard! It took a minute to find the play button, then the laughs came so quick I had to turn away. /default_smile.png

 

[High Tide]

A very fat guy decided to lose some weight. He found an add in the newspaper that said: "Guaranteed weight loss for men". So he called the company.

When he went in the secretary said that the company has three different programs. One for $50, one for $100 and one for $300. The man chose the $50 program and they took him to a huge hall, that had nothing in it except a GORGEOUS woman who said: "If you can catch me, you can have me". The man ran after the woman but couldn't catch her, losing weight in the process.

He decided to try out the $100 program. Again he found himself in a hall, this time with C.Crawford and C.Schiffer saying: "If you can catch us, you can have us". He ran after the supermodels, didn't catch them but lost weight...

He wanted to try out the $300 program. Again he was in the same hall, but this time there was a huge man with black mustache and a leather cap. He said: "Hi, I'm Franz, if I can catch you, I can have you..."

 

[Denise]

Dad gummit sweetheart, you gotta quit! I've got tears running down my face from laughing so hard! It took a minute to find the play button, then the laughs came so quick I had to turn away. /default_smile.png

Did you watch all of them?  Each time you click on a different one.

Have you seen this:  


It's posted elsewhere, but I know you don't follow all the threads and are behind in your reading.

No matter how many times I watch this, I laugh my ass off. 

And "What is butt dust?"  is a collection of funny kids things have said.  I wanted to get a thread of kids saying/doing funny stuff but I accidentally pushed button & can't get in to change the title a bit.

The important thing - Get well, my friend.  /default_smile.png

 

[High Tide]

Thanks hon, I am. Got to quit looking at this funny stuff though.

There was these Alabama fans on one side of the river and these Auburn fans on the other they started going at it yelling back and forth and this boy from Alabama said I will whip your ass so this Auburn boy said okay whats your name and how do i get over there so the Alabama fan says my name is Clarance and you got to go down and cross a bridge so the Auburn guy said okay so he went down to the bridge but came back and all the Auburn fans said did you beat his ass and he said HELL NO I WENT TO CROSS THE BRIDGE AND IT SAID CLEARANCE 8" FOOT 6'

 

[High Tide]

Thats all I can handle today. Thanks for lifting my mood, even if it did hurt. Have a goodnight and sweet dreams my friend.

 

[Denise]

@High Tide

THANKS!  AND SAME TO YOU! REST AND GET WELL!

Infinity x infinity 

 

[Denise]

@ High Tide

AND THE BATTLE CONTINUES - I FOUND THE ENTIRE COLLECTION OF

"ANIMATOR VS ANIMATION"   (I aim to please)   SO ENJOY.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLZ6XChEXM8

This is my version of your "Get-Well Card".......

 

[green moom jam]

Catholic Parrots

A woman adopts two adult female parrots but is horrified to learn they can only say one thing, "Hi we're hookers. Wanna have some fun?

As a sincere Catholic, the woman was upset and embarassed by this. She tells her parish priest of her problem and he says, " I have two male parrots, Peter and Francis, and they're very devout. I've taught them to say novenas and even to pray the rosary together. Why don't you bring your girls by the rectory tomorrow and I'll introduce them to my parrots. I'm sure Peter and Francis' good behavior will rub off on them."

The woman agrees and the next day she brings her two parrots to the rectory. The priest greets her and her parrots and ushers them into the parlor where Peter and Francis are perched in their cage, eyes closed, beaking moving in prayer, rosary beads entwined in their wings. The priest opens the door to their cage and puts the woman's two parrots in with his birds. Immediately the girls chime out, " Hi, we're hookers. Wanna have some fun?"

Peter's eyes pop, he turns to Francis and says, "You can drop the beads now Frank. At last our prayers have been answered."

 

[High Tide]

@ High Tide

AND THE BATTLE CONTINUES - I FOUND THE ENTIRE COLLECTION OF

"ANIMATOR VS ANIMATION"   (I aim to please)   SO ENJOY.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLZ6XChEXM8

This is my version of your "Get-Well Card".......

Thank you young lady for wishing me well and making me laugh. The very best part was "H/T - from a good friend who knows I love Irish humor". That helped remind me of how many ladies here I have came to be good friends with. You, my dear, are at the top of that list. I won't name the others that communicate with me either here, through emails or both. 

I know most of the flak is well deserved because of poor taste and posting in the wrong places, but how it became seen as an attempt to pick up ladies for one nights stands is still baffling to me. My most recent mistake was actually what I thought was clearly a parody of a Family guy episode, I must have elaborated too much. I wish looking back that I had added that snuggling was a service I would offer and enjoy more than anything else in my repertoire.   /default_wub.png   I truly am a big snuggle junkie.

But I just wanted to let you know that one sentence helped me more than all those jokes that hurt my ribs I laughed so hard. This really isn't the proper venue to tell you, but apparently with a warning PM privileges are lost. IDK, I've never gotten a warning before. I wouldn't have even known what my offense was until seeing where my Wookie mentor said the post had been removed and left enough only to allow for a teachable moment and we should all move on. Unfortunately it moved on to the shout box.  /default_ohmy.png lol... I guess karma gave me a bit of ribbing in return. /default_smile.png

Now, back to the topic at hand. Or, perhaps I should say back on topic. /default_wink.png   

 

[High Tide]

In lieu of flowers Denise, heres a flower joke for you. /default_smile.png 

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop!
Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that...

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[High Tide]

Since CFB season is right around the corner I'll get some of my favorite ALA/AUB jokes out of the way. Hopefully they haven't been posted already. 

Q: Why don't Auburn University fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they're afraid of Alabama Power.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Auburn University weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: Do you know why the Auburn football team should change its name to the "Possums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What's the difference between an Florida Gators fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Auburn fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Auburn library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: How can you tell when there's been an Auburn student in your backyard?
A: The garbage is gone and your dog's pregnant.

 

[High Tide]

This one is equal opportunity offending....

Q. How many Buckeyes does it take to change a light bulb?
A. TWO. One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.

Q: What do Ohio State and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: Did you hear about the Auburn fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: Why do Penn State University graduates keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the University of Michigan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Auburn?
A. With a restraining order.

Q: How many University of Tennessee freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course. 

Q: How do you circumcise a Tennessee football player?
A: You hit his sister in the jaw.

 

[Denise]

 MARIJUANA-FILLED  FIREWOOD   

 

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?

'
'I'm  calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith ...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them
logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the  Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept .  Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

"Yep!'

'Happy Birthday,  buddy!'

  (Rednecks know how to git-r-dun)       /default_biggrin.png  

 

[High Tide]

Actual Court Transcripts:

Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!