Joke Of The Day

[The Shattered Soldier]

You're a riot, you crazy fool! /default_biggrin.png I'd love to get a chance to sit around and have a few drinks and see if some aliens come around. That only happens when the party is really good. /default_wink.png

Looks like a few bottles of absinthe and some dusty Cohibas are in order. No alien attracting substances allowed! The dust monsters are bad enough, believe me.

Anyway, this whole situation reminds me of another time a friend of mine needed another size related method. I told him to spank it as hard as he could against the bedpost before he went to sleep.

So, after his wife went to bed, he took my advice and went to town. Here, he was spanking it so hard his wife woke up and said, "what the hell are you doing here SS?"

 

[High Tide]

I'll have to remake one of my earlier jokes to give homage to your well established prowess, which I'm sure includes a natural anatomical gift.

 A traveling salesman was working several hours away from home when he came across a woman crying uncontrollably. He approached and offered his condolences. The lady simply said "I can't believe he's gone". He kept walking and soon found another lady crying and again offered his help. She said "Theres nothing you can do, Soldier is gone now!. Continuing his trip through town he came across many more women, all in tears after a special man had passed.

He decided it was time to see the mortician and find out what made this man so popular. The mortician told him the man, simply known by most as HSS or Soldier, was known to be quite the womanizer with a "pole" they all loved to dance on. The salesman though it might be possible to make a mold of the famous anatomical feature and create a lifelike rubber substitute he could use to surprise his wife. The two men came to terms and within hours the salesman had his wish and he spent the night driving home so show this new toy he had found for her.

Arriving home early the next morning he snook in to see his wife in a short dress washing dishing. Thinking quick he grabbed some lube and crept up behind her, and, knowing she wore no panties he quickly slipped the prosthetic device far inside her. To his delight her knees buckled in obvious pleasure, then screamed in surprise "Oh Soldier, they said you were dead!"

 

[The Shattered Soldier]

Thanks for telling that story HT.  To set the record straight I wasn't actually dead, just in a deep benzo coma.  Anyway, I have a little story to compliment your little tale about me.

There was a guy who was so in love with his girlfriend Wendy that he got her name tatooed on himself while he was hard.  When he was not in this excited state, however, only the letters WY showed on it.

So one day, while standing in a public restroom next to some guy who introduced himself as High Tide, he looked down and saw that ol HT had the same WY tatoo.  Inerested by the coincidence, he said, "Wow, I see you have a tatoo just like mine, do you happen to be involved a woman named Wendy too?"

High Tide laughed and shook his head.  He took a big step back and showed the guy the entire message as he stretched himself out.  It said:  Welcome to DBG I hope you enjoy your stay.

 

[High Tide]

lmao...I dunno whether to admit that's true, you may scare some girls away if they hear that story. But I'm sure they've seen nature shows with a big bull trying to coax a cow elephant into a little play time. To tell the truth I can't blame the cows for running. 

I was meaning to tell how you were just playing dead, like the rooster named Shattered Soldier. 

A farmer, tired of not getting his old rooster to produce heard stories about this famous rooster named Shattered Soldier that could inseminate every hen on a farm. He drove to the next town over and inquired about buying the rooster. The second farmer warned him, "You don't want this rooster, he'll screw your chickens to death!" 

"I've got a couple hundred hens", the first guy says, "I'm sure there are a few hardy ones that can handle him." So he buys the rooster and lets him loose, at which point the Shattered Soldier frantically begins running around catching the older hens first, and sure enough they drop over from exhaustion. The farmer shakes his head in amazement, hoping the rooster doesn't kill himself before he can produce some biddies. 

The whole night he can hear racket as this rooster chases hen after hen. He seriously doubts there will be any chickens, rooster or hen, left by the next day. He wakes the next morning and theres no sound, not a rooster crowing or hen cackling. He walks out and sees buzzards circling over the rooster, which laid on his back with wings spread, dead as a doornail. What hens have survived are high in the trees, afraid to come down. The farmer throws his hat down, mad he lost money buying a rooster that screwed half his hens to death then died. He starts to walk over to dispose of the useless dead bird, and gets within feet when the The Shattered Soldier opens one eye and whispers "Leave me be! Those buzzards are just about to land!"

 

[High Tide]

A man takes his wife, (who use to be an Auburn Cheerleader) hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!"

So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"

 

[High Tide]

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Auburn, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Auburn, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his Dad. "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Auburn?" he asked.

"No son", he said, "It's because you're 18."

 

[High Tide]

An Auburn Man goes to Georgia and buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Columbus to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Aubie says "I want my $20 million." To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The "Barner" said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Aubie, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!

 

[High Tide]

Two leprechauns have a bet.
To settle their bet, they take it to a convent.
Mother Superior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! It's a leprechaun!"
The first Leprechaun replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?"
"No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size."
"Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland that are my size?"
"No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size."
"Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in the entire world that are my size?"
"No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!"
"Okay then." The second leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you! Dumb a$$, you f**ked a penguin!"

 

[High Tide]

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.

Q: What is a crack head's favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: Which men like big t*ts and a tight @ss?
A: The ones with big mouths and little d**ks.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

 

[High Tide]

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.

The wife asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Tell him to just try dem on, Lady." So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as the husband slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. There was a level of excitement his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!

 

[High Tide]

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

 

[High Tide]

A married Cajun went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almos' had de affair wid annuder woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Cajun said, "Well, we get undress' and rub together, but den I stop."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Cajun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Cajun replied, "Yeah fadder, but me..I rub de $50 on de box, and 'cordin' to you, that be de same as puttin' it in."

 

[High Tide]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[The Shattered Soldier]

Glad to see you're finally back with the joke of the day HT!  I needed some new material to tell during family dinners and such.

 

[High Tide]

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

 

[High Tide]

A mother walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

 

[High Tide]

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

 

[High Tide]

Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two gays are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here." A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."

 

[High Tide]

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

 

[High Tide]

A handsome young man (aka High Tide) went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me." "I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

H-man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".