I wish I could get out more, but I'm sort of a "Boo Radley" in this neighborhood (from "To Kill a Mockingbird"). When the sun sets and it's sufficiently dark, I will walk out to the mailbox, otherwise I don't go out except to see the shrink monthly. Nope, no more shock treatments. Didn't help at all, just made my memory worse. My friend goes places with me because I can't drive anymore (too anxious), and I have trouble remembering sometimes what the doctor has told me, or I get too nervous to ask about something I need to discuss. I love what you wrote about long and short term goals--every day I have a ritual where I get up, take my meds, make my bed, brush my teeth, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen and whatever else needs to be done. But I also set a small short term goal, sometimes it's just cleaning the ceiling fans, or changing out the salt & pepper shakers, or making sure all my Tupperware has lids to them. In the last six months, I've been able to take over bill paying from my husband, and I'm really proud of that. He seemed to think final pay date was when the bill was supposed to be paid, so he was running us behind almost two months on everything--I was clueless. Found a bill one day & figured out what was going on. He makes good money, but never seems to have any, and couldn't account for where his money was going. So I made him get direct deposit in a joint account that only I access, and he gets $240.00 a week for his gas, lunch, and cigarettes--I pay all the bills, buy all the groceries, make sure he has everything he needs--toiletries, underwear, jeans, socks--everything. And at the end of the week, he still doesn't have any money. I just can't figure it out. I know he gambles a little, but he was running us into the ground, and I was too despondent to even know it was happening. Every bill we have now has a 0 balance, I'm rebuilding my credit, and I feel better about myself that I have been able to take over this task and do it well--I didn't know if it might be too overwhelming for me, and at first (when everything was so far behind) I was. But every week, I pay on something, and slowly I've paid off all the creditors. I've never had trouble with the booze because I have such bad acid reflux, or I may have turned to the bottle myself. I'm sticking to my prescription meds, but I have created a little stash for emergencies--an extra muscle relaxer for those nights I can't turn my head, an extra benzo for those nights of insomnia or panic attacks, and something to help me curb my appetite. I don't like taking things my doctor doesn't know about, but I also cannot ask him for more controlled substances when I'm already on 4! He has been so kind and patient with me, I know if I had an emergency, he would drop what he was doing and fit me in somehow. So I don't like withholding information from him, but every now and then I do take a little something extra. And you're right about the self-reflection--when I am not trying to stay busy, even minimally, I start berating myself, and asking "what if...". That degree I earned, I keep in a leather bound folder in a drawer, and I feel like it mocks me sometimes...other times, I get calls from recruiters asking if I'm available to work and what great positions they have available, and I have to tell them that I am disabled and cannot work. That makes me feel bad about myself, too. I started paying into the social security system when I was 16, and worked for over 20 years, so the monthly stipend I get is not charity--that's money that came out of my checks every single week. But it makes me feel ashamed. And no one in my family ever discusses my former career, or college, or my being on social security now--it's all taboo to discuss. I know my parents mean well, but when they talk about me, I know they explain that I am educated, but that I am a home-maker now since I'm married. It's complicated. I live in the South, and it's not a shameful thing to be a housewife where ever you happen to live, but I feel like my parents moved to Florida for retirement 12 or so years ago partly to get away from me. That's when I started to get sick--anxious, agoraphobic, depressed...Sylvia Plath explained depression better than anyone I've read in "The Bell Jar". She had several hospitalizations and shock therapy, too, but of course we know what happened to her--dead with her head in the oven...I want to say that to my GP or anyone else who criticizes my medication regimen--it keeps me alive. And for a couple of years, that's all I could do--just try to survive each day. But in the last 6 or 7 months since my shrink started me on amphetamine-based meds, my depression has slowly been receding (until a couple of weeks ago when he took me off the Phen/Addy combo & I had to wait to get the Dexedr!ne), but now I'm feeling a little better again--at least until I got ripped off from those pissers trying to get B0ntril. Never again using a vendor not endorsed by this site. Ripped off every time. I've talked your head off--sorry, but it feels SO good to let it out. My husband and best friend love me, but they think I'm crazy going on these forums and spending money for meds, but neither one has ever been suicidally depressed, or unable to get out of bed, or had to be hospitalized, or had shock treatments, or panic attacks, etc etc etc. They have absolutely no clue. Only someone who has lived under that blanket of depression has any idea what it's like. One more thing I've been able to do over the last 6 months or so is turn off the TV every weekend, and read, read, read. I always loved the written word, and thought I was pretty well read at one time, but for many years I couldn't focus on the words or concentrate on the story--I just couldn't do it anymore, and reading had been my passion. My shrink is really happy about that--not just that it means I'm doing better, but I have the TV off--he swears TV ruins the alpha waves in your brain, and actually makes you dumber, as well as being a waste of useful time. I need to shut up now, I'm pouring out my life story, but thank you for giving me that opportunity. I feel better somehow getting some of this off my chest without all the criticism. I look forward to chatting more with you later, and I hope you have a good night. I've taken my night-time "cocktail" (
X@nax, Amb!en CR, Val!um, Zanaflex, S0ma, Melatonin, nerve tonic, Benadryl, chlor-tabs, doxep!ne, doxylamine, sometimes
phenerg@n and
ultr@m/tr@madol). I have just discovered on TTM something called "Arem" (N!trazepam I think), and you can get 90 of them for $29! And I think they actually help me to sleep. I love TTM--that you can buy relatively small samples of different meds to try without having to put up a lot of money as an investment. I don't remember if you said you had used them (they are in the bowels of *****& I don't know where you live, and they recently had a high rate of seizures around the time of 9/11, but they have a great menu with the best prices I have seen. Well, SL has some good prices, but "Jim" won't ship to my state--it's a "red flag" state apparently. OK, I'm going to try and go to lay down--I set my alarm this morning for 6 am so I could get up and take the Dexedr!ne and still be able to sleep tonight. Any time you want to talk, hit me up. I might be a little erratic answering--some days I can't answer the phone, go online--nothing. But with God and my shrink's interventions, maybe I'm going to get better. Have a great night, sleep well, & I'll talk to you later, I'm sure. Warmest Regards, Leigh Anne.
