Please help

[Theoneandonly]

Hello

I'm probably completely wrong, but at the same time I need advice. I feel like I've fallen between, where in order to cope with life and, above all, keep myself and my children alive, I need supplements of less legal substances. Chronic pain, for which doctors prescribed thousands of Percocet tablets, was the starting point (for daily use; before that, it was more periodic, depending on availability, not need). Then some doctor shouted that it was addictive and that you can't cure pain with pain relief and that the pain only will increase with that medicine, so they took it away. The pain didn't get any better, which made me depressed and totally exhausted, and when you can't move, everything gets worse.

When my eldest child became seriously ill, I realised that there was no help for me through legal channels. Kratom saved me so I could put on my socks in the morning, and with the addition of whatever else I needed, I was able to fight the authorities so my child could get the help they needed. Five years later, I know I made the right choice, but at the same time, I can't seek help for myself because there's nothing but misery on the other side. I should also mention that my life has only worked with family, school, work, etc. when I have had drug's and accepting that I cannot live a life without pain relief at a different level than what healthcare offers, but also without increasing certain neurotransmitters in the brain, is difficult when everyone is saying something else.

I have sought an assessment for ADD/ADHD, which I am (and everyone around me) are sure I have, but I will not pass a drug test = no help. I have no criminal record, have never been suspected of a crime or been outside of society, I have a university education, a house, three children, etc. However, one check by an attentive officer or the post office/customs, etc. is all it would take to take everything away from me, which would of course immediately exclude me from society. I use legal resources, so I do not commit crimes to get money for drugs.

I don't want to live in fear of being so close to losing everything, while at the same time knowing that I will lose everything if I seek help. I have a job (which I love, but have had to take time off for many years now because of my child) where they would revoke my licence if the extent of my ‘problems’ became known, even though I have never made any serious mistakes or errors in my profession, regardless of whether I have been prescribed medication or self-medicated. Because of my eldest child's illness, social services are constantly looking over my shoulder to see if I can cope (otherwise, the Social Services Act and healthcare, especially psychiatry, are incredibly underdeveloped when it comes to seriously ill children, and my child would not be able to cope being placed somewhere else without either ending up in addiction or dying, according to statistics and my own experience, we have already tested that).
Of course, that can’t happen, but I find myself in a position where I can't do the ‘right’ thing without consequences that are so serious and life-threatening that I feel I just have to keep going by any means I can, even though that means risking everything. So I'm not trying to escape reality, just to function, and I've been addicted for half my life (over 20 years now) but have never lost control, except mentally when I've been clean for a few years at a time, not over substances, so it's never escalated to the point where I can't function. But it doesn't matter, society and people are what they are, and we are so quick to judge people and don't give a thought to what lies behind it all.

Is it me who is locked in fear, is there a way out that won't make my life worse? I really need advice. As I said, I don't have any personal experience of this, but I've seen what happens up close when colleagues have been caught, etc., and I find it difficult to understand and accept that it would be for ‘everyone's, especially my’ own good to put me in prison or just treatment and take away what I have to live for, including my family, job, physical and mental health.

I would be extremely grateful if anyone could respond, or have personally experienced any thing like this but I fully understand if I am completely in the wrong community but sadly I have no one that I can trust to talk about this matter to. Used a translator so please ask/tell me if there is something that don’t make sense.

Have a nice weekend!
Best regards
Theoneandonly

 

[fyjclol]

When was the last time you were prescribed something for p@in relief? I went through something similar and am now prescribed meds for add and I never had to take a drug test. Id rather have more of this conversation in Dm's. If youre interested i suggest becoming a sponsored member that way youre able to send me a message. I have some thoughts and ideas that I think could help you.

 

[Theoneandonly]

When was the last time you were prescribed something for p@in relief? I went through something similar and am now prescribed meds for add and I never had to take a drug test. Id rather have more of this conversation in Dm's. If youre interested i suggest becoming a sponsored member that way youre able to send me a message. I have some thoughts and ideas that I think could help you.

Thank you so much!

 

[Theoneandonly]

Hello

I'm probably completely wrong, but at the same time I need advice. I feel like I've fallen between, where in order to cope with life and, above all, keep myself and my children alive, I need supplements of less legal substances. Chronic pain, for which doctors prescribed thousands of Percocet tablets, was the starting point (for daily use; before that, it was more periodic, depending on availability, not need). Then some doctor shouted that it was addictive and that you can't cure pain with pain relief and that the pain only will increase with that medicine, so they took it away. The pain didn't get any better, which made me depressed and totally exhausted, and when you can't move, everything gets worse.

When my eldest child became seriously ill, I realised that there was no help for me through legal channels. Kratom saved me so I could put on my socks in the morning, and with the addition of whatever else I needed, I was able to fight the authorities so my child could get the help they needed. Five years later, I know I made the right choice, but at the same time, I can't seek help for myself because there's nothing but misery on the other side. I should also mention that my life has only worked with family, school, work, etc. when I have had drug's and accepting that I cannot live a life without pain relief at a different level than what healthcare offers, but also without increasing certain neurotransmitters in the brain, is difficult when everyone is saying something else.

I have sought an assessment for ADD/ADHD, which I am (and everyone around me) are sure I have, but I will not pass a drug test = no help. I have no criminal record, have never been suspected of a crime or been outside of society, I have a university education, a house, three children, etc. However, one check by an attentive officer or the post office/customs, etc. is all it would take to take everything away from me, which would of course immediately exclude me from society. I use legal resources, so I do not commit crimes to get money for drugs.

I don't want to live in fear of being so close to losing everything, while at the same time knowing that I will lose everything if I seek help. I have a job (which I love, but have had to take time off for many years now because of my child) where they would revoke my licence if the extent of my ‘problems’ became known, even though I have never made any serious mistakes or errors in my profession, regardless of whether I have been prescribed medication or self-medicated. Because of my eldest child's illness, social services are constantly looking over my shoulder to see if I can cope (otherwise, the Social Services Act and healthcare, especially psychiatry, are incredibly underdeveloped when it comes to seriously ill children, and my child would not be able to cope being placed somewhere else without either ending up in addiction or dying, according to statistics and my own experience, we have already tested that).
Of course, that can’t happen, but I find myself in a position where I can't do the ‘right’ thing without consequences that are so serious and life-threatening that I feel I just have to keep going by any means I can, even though that means risking everything. So I'm not trying to escape reality, just to function, and I've been addicted for half my life (over 20 years now) but have never lost control, except mentally when I've been clean for a few years at a time, not over substances, so it's never escalated to the point where I can't function. But it doesn't matter, society and people are what they are, and we are so quick to judge people and don't give a thought to what lies behind it all.

Is it me who is locked in fear, is there a way out that won't make my life worse? I really need advice. As I said, I don't have any personal experience of this, but I've seen what happens up close when colleagues have been caught, etc., and I find it difficult to understand and accept that it would be for ‘everyone's, especially my’ own good to put me in prison or just treatment and take away what I have to live for, including my family, job, physical and mental health.

I would be extremely grateful if anyone could respond, or have personally experienced any thing like this but I fully understand if I am completely in the wrong community but sadly I have no one that I can trust to talk about this matter to. Used a translator so please ask/tell me if there is something that don’t make sense.

Have a nice weekend!
Best regards
Theoneandonly

I saw now that it translated Citodon to Percocet but that’s wrong, it supposed to be codeine!

 

[alixjones2018]

@Theoneandonly welcome! Not sure if you have been part of this community before you became a donating supporter however there are some really cool people here who are down to sharing so I am hopeful others will see this thread!

Your post makes me hurt! I am so sorry you are in this hell! The one piece of good news is that you aren't alone.

I am not sure if your biggest worry is getting "busted" for the katrom? Or is it that you are looking for the gold standard of pain treatment? Or both? OR maybe I missed the mark totally?

In full transparency I don't know much about katrom. I do know in some states it's totally legal and I also think I know it's not being tested for in pre-employment drug screens, as a standard rule, but there's always exceptions!

My first thought while reading is that you might be a great candidate for methadone treatment. That would give you the pain relief you need--or turn off the "drug noise" in your brain--whichever is causing you to be caught in this world you describe.

I apologize if I missed the mark all together. If you are looking to find a great vendor take a stroll. There are some great ones on here!

Make sure you read read and then read. Please be mindful of anyone contacting you via your DMs that you didn't start contact with to begin a conversation! While this is a great usually safe space, scammers live amongst us so be careful! There are enough great LEGIT vendors here that ordering from someone hitting you up via DM isn't a "thing"--if you get what I am saying!

Again, welcome! No matter if I connected or was totally off the mark, this is a great place and I bet you will find the support you need/want!

 

[Theoneandonly]

@Theoneandonly welcome! Not sure if you have been part of this community before you became a donating supporter however there are some really cool people here who are down to sharing so I am hopeful others will see this thread!

Your post makes me hurt! I am so sorry you are in this hell! The one piece of good news is that you aren't alone.

I am not sure if your biggest worry is getting "busted" for the katrom? Or is it that you are looking for the gold standard of pain treatment? Or both? OR maybe I missed the mark totally?

In full transparency I don't know much about katrom. I do know in some states it's totally legal and I also think I know it's not being tested for in pre-employment drug screens, as a standard rule, but there's always exceptions!

My first thought while reading is that you might be a great candidate for methadone treatment. That would give you the pain relief you need--or turn off the "drug noise" in your brain--whichever is causing you to be caught in this world you describe.

I apologize if I missed the mark all together. If you are looking to find a great vendor take a stroll. There are some great ones on here!

Make sure you read read and then read. Please be mindful of anyone contacting you via your DMs that you didn't start contact with to begin a conversation! While this is a great usually safe space, scammers live amongst us so be careful! There are enough great LEGIT vendors here that ordering from someone hitting you up via DM isn't a "thing"--if you get what I am saying!

Again, welcome! No matter if I connected or was totally off the mark, this is a great place and I bet you will find the support you need/want!

Hi! Thank you for your answer. I been told many times that I use to many words and therefore the point is a bit hard to find for everyone.. Including myself

I’m sadly living in a country in the eu that have very strict narcotic laws where if you have something forbidden in your blod you will be charged. Since it’s not legal and not considered a disease, your rights are not protected and you lose your job and your children may be placed elsewhere till social services can be sure you don’t take drugs anymore and that can take time. And you will not be prescribed medication for adhd or other conditions if the are in the narcotics list (?) like vvyanse.

That’s why I can’t get any help, like methadone treatment. It requires a lot to get treatment here, and to even be considered for that you have to have a long history of documented drug abuse, and the health care professionals are obligated to report to the social services about this if they even suspect that you have been taking drugs. So that sort of makes it the last resort, since I at the moment don’t have a record.

But the golden standard of treatment does not seem so bad Yes please!
No, I have no trust in the government, the system or the health care anymore. There is a saying, you have to be well to get health care. It’s not a lie, the last time I was totally clean it was approximately 6-7 months and I cried every time I had to put on my socks because of pain. The doctor told me that I don’t need painkillers because it will make my pain worse. He had never seen me before and i met him for 6 minutes but he had reed an article about this. I hold out until my oldest got seriously ill 6-7 months later and the pain never got better later, only worse. I slept for 16 hours a day and was always tired, because I couldn’t get quality sleep because of the pain. It made me depressed and I couldn’t even pick upp the dishes or do the laundry in the end because the less you can use your body the worse it gets. The sad thing is that Krato m isn’t that strong, but it is anti inflammatory and works really well for me since it doesn’t make me tired or so. I have been on it since then. Same dose, no issues or side affects and I can do everything I want physically nowadays.

Sadly my brain is not functioning properly, it never has. Now I understand that I have add and ptsd. I’m not just lazy I’m crazy to! So when my oldest got more and more sick I had to do something more because the health care refused to do anything and I came so close so many times to lose my child forever, so I turned to stimulants. Suddenly my brain started actually working. I could do what needed to be done and do it exceptionally well because my thousand thoughts did not collide. Now a couple of years later I’m living a life where I’m able and know that I can and will do anything for my kids. I don’t want to lose that. I just want to be functional and not go back to that life of before. It feels now like I actually have a life worth living for the first time.

So the paradox is that drugs is what keeps me going and being the mom my kids deserve, but if authorities find out I risk loosing everything. But maybe that’s just my addiction talking, I know it’s a really thin line between functioning and being on the streets when you start going this way, but I don’t know what else I can do? Stop taking it and not being able to move or even hug my kids, and not being able to remember all meetings and stuff no matter how many calendars I get because ” I just got to….” gets in the way every time and therefore risk loosing them anyway, or keep going and hoping that no one else will notice.

Thank you so much for your reply, I will definitely try to remember that and keep crosschecking references, I really appreciate it! Have a wonderful day!