Men, Dating And Sex?

[Allhoney75]

I'm currently dating and what's making dating challenging is all these men don't want a relationship or don't want things to naturally progress but they just want sex up front. What's the deal? It's the biggest turn off when a man is talking about having sex on the second date.

I was dating this guy and everything seemed to be going great and then on date 3 he's talking about sex. I'm like why you talking about that this early?

Also there is the can you come over my house or can I come over your house for the first date? Where the hell did the respect go? I don't know you and sure as hell will not let you come over to my house or I won't be going over to your house on the first date. I have a good friend who was raped under those circumstances and another sexually assaulted.

My last relationship was with a guy who in fact knew how to date, unfortunately his ex broke us up. But it was great because we actually dated and the respect was there but men like this are difficult to come by.

I don't frequent bars or clubs because I already kinda know what the scene is there. I love coffee shops, cultural events and fine arts and still even at these events, I meet guys who are the same way. And online dating...don't even get me started. Online dating might as well be renamed as online sexing.

I'd like to hear from some men as to what is going on and how to handle this. It makes for a very uncomfortable situation.

 

[TealGreen]

OMG honey, we should chat sometime cause we have a lot in common! I'm laughing so hard right now cause it's all just such a joke to date these days!

Online dating sites are online meat markets!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Allhoney75]

OMG honey, we should chat sometime cause we have a lot in common! I'm laughing so hard right now cause it's all just such a joke to date these days!

Online dating sites are online meat markets!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was beginning to think I was alone. I don't know what's going on but it ain't good. I've heard all the cliche stuff.....the right one will come along, you'll meet him when you aren't looking, stop looking, oh no wait, you gotta put yourself out there and search if you want to meet someone (contradicts the stop looking advice), carry yourself well, travel (yep...give me the money for that) ...blah blah but still the same old same old.

 

[headbanger]

Honey I know you're not going to believe this but not all men are like that. If the guy wants it right  away maybe he not worth pursing a relationship with.

As for the online services make it a point of your Christian(or whatever religious) values on your profile - friends first then you and he will see where it goes.

Maybe join meet up clubs for professionals who get together to play volleyball, or hiking or occasionally have happy your get together informally so you can get to know someone without it having to be a date

It's no excuse for a man to behave like that if he's a gentleman.  Try and steer conversations away from romance and just talk about subjects that can give you an idea of the guys values.

And if he talks about sex right away say sure, where's the ring?

 

[Allhoney75]

Honey I know you're not going to believe this but not all men are like that. If the guy wants it right  away maybe he not worth pursing a relationship with.

As for the online services make it a point of your Christian(or whatever religious) values on your profile - friends first then you and he will see where it goes.

Maybe join meet up clubs for professionals who get together to play volleyball, or hiking or occasionally have happy your get together informally so you can get to know someone without it having to be a date

It's no excuse for a man to behave like that if he's a gentleman.  Try and steer conversations away from romance and just talk about subjects that can give you an idea of the guys values.

And if he talks about sex right away say sure, where's the ring?

Thanks. This was really good advice. It's rough out there but I will definitely take your advice!

 

[yellowbelly]

HB should be a therapist...He's got the right answers for everything! /default_wink.png

 

[Guest]

Awwwwww HB! My heart just got all mushy!

 

[Bloom]

You’re certainly not the first to feel this way, my friend.

I’m sorry you’re frustrated, but in my experience, frustration usually results when someone’s expectations are out of line with reality.

The way to mitigate the frustration is not to change reality but to change your expectations.

The first thing you can do is understand that men look for sex and find love. They are driven by attraction and have zero trouble separating the physical act of sex from the feelings of love. In this case your expectations are that men should not be interested in having sex on the third date.

And reality is showing you that this is something that men are interested in.

What’s a slower-moving, more traditional woman to do?

Well, the first thing you can do is understand that men look for sex and find love. Check with Peanut on this one, but men will have sex with women they don’t like and women they barely feel attracted to. Especially if they're lonely and sex-deprived (sex is always much more important when you’re not getting it!)!

I’m not saying you have to like this facet of men, but at least, at this point, you can stop getting surprised or upset at it. It’s like getting angry at rain or nightfall. Your opinions of it don’t matter much; it’s still going to keep on happening.

Next, you have to forgive these men for their ignorance. They know not what they do. Even if you believe their ridiculous statement, “If I don’t have sex by the third date, she’s not into me,†it doesn’t matter. What a man wants is not necessarily to have sex on the third date, but to have some physical contact that may, someday, lead to sex.

Men are like sharks. They need to keep on moving.

What a man wants is not necessarily to have sex on the third date, but to have some physical contact that may, someday, lead to sex. If he’s been talking to you for a week, plans a date, picks you up, takes you out, grabs the check, drives you home, and is also attracted to you, you can be sure that if he’s at all confident, he’s going to make a first move.

How far he gets is up to you.

Then there’s going to be a second date. Same thing’s gonna happen. You can’t be surprised by this or blame him for this. All you can do is figure out how much you like him, how much you trust him, and how far you want to go. There’s no right or wrong. Your boundaries are your boundaries. You just can’t get too upset when he tries something.

Then there’s a third date. Same thing’s gonna happen. If you want to avoid sexual contact, you can make sure your third date takes place over a picnic in a park, at 5:30 after work, or at a crafts fair, but understand, he’s still driven by his attraction to you. He doesn’t know that he wants you to be his girlfriend yet.

So hang in there AlHoney! Just go on living, loving and laughing. Your time will arrive!

XO!

Bloom

 

[yellowbelly]

Wow! Heavy Duty, Bloom...Nice post...Way to put it out there... /default_cool.png

 

[Guest]

You’re certainly not the first to feel this way, my friend.

I’m sorry you’re frustrated, but in my experience, frustration usually results when someone’s expectations are out of line with reality.

The way to mitigate the frustration is not to change reality but to change your expectations.

The first thing you can do is understand that men look for sex and find love. They are driven by attraction and have zero trouble separating the physical act of sex from the feelings of love. In this case your expectations are that men should not be interested in having sex on the third date.

And reality is showing you that this is something that men are interested in.

What’s a slower-moving, more traditional woman to do?

Well, the first thing you can do is understand that men look for sex and find love. Check with Peanut on this one, but men will have sex with women they don’t like and women they barely feel attracted to. Especially if they're lonely and sex-deprived (sex is always much more important when you’re not getting it!)!

I’m not saying you have to like this facet of men, but at least, at this point, you can stop getting surprised or upset at it. It’s like getting angry at rain or nightfall. Your opinions of it don’t matter much; it’s still going to keep on happening.

Next, you have to forgive these men for their ignorance. They know not what they do. Even if you believe their ridiculous statement, “If I don’t have sex by the third date, she’s not into me,†it doesn’t matter. What a man wants is not necessarily to have sex on the third date, but to have some physical contact that may, someday, lead to sex.

Men are like sharks. They need to keep on moving.

What a man wants is not necessarily to have sex on the third date, but to have some physical contact that may, someday, lead to sex. If he’s been talking to you for a week, plans a date, picks you up, takes you out, grabs the check, drives you home, and is also attracted to you, you can be sure that if he’s at all confident, he’s going to make a first move.

How far he gets is up to you.

Then there’s going to be a second date. Same thing’s gonna happen. You can’t be surprised by this or blame him for this. All you can do is figure out how much you like him, how much you trust him, and how far you want to go. There’s no right or wrong. Your boundaries are your boundaries. You just can’t get too upset when he tries something.

Then there’s a third date. Same thing’s gonna happen. If you want to avoid sexual contact, you can make sure your third date takes place over a picnic in a park, at 5:30 after work, or at a crafts fair, but understand, he’s still driven by his attraction to you. He doesn’t know that he wants you to be his girlfriend yet.

So hang in there AlHoney! Just go on living, loving and laughing. Your time will arrive!

XO!

Bloom

Bloom yu are on a roll tonight! Excellent post!

 

[Guest]

Wow! Heavy Duty, Bloom...Nice post...Way to put it out there... /default_cool.png

And then there is YB, with his ass avatar. And a mighty fine ass it is. Hehehe

 

[2earls]

I would have really been surprised if a man didn't want sex by the third date. If I liked him enough to go out on 3 dates, I would have been thinking about by then too. Maybe I was a ho!

 

[peanut]

Well Honey, as a dude I agree. It seems as if there is 2 types of dating. Short term just to get some. And the longer term to find somebody you really connect with, and then to get some. We are humans, and our primitive instinct is to have sex. I guess when I date a person I kinda get lucky. I usually do not make the first moves too quick, and it almost always seems like the chick is pretty much throwing herself on me (which I do not complain about). It's kinda odd really, I will go out with a chick to dinner or something. Afterwards we might chat for a bit in the car or go walk around somewhere. Then bam, it's like some aura from my mindwaves or something gets into them and well you know the result. I really really do not even try hard, actually at first I pretty much do not try at all. I could share some pretty crazy stories but my laptop is about to die, my addy is wearing off, my xan is kicking in, and I still have to eat and shower before another 12hr day. Long story short, maybe my sincere interest in the female I am dating is a turn on for them?

Oh ya after reading this please do not think of my NYE date nightmare. That was a spur of the moment thing, where I did the exact opposite that I do. Only bc I was thinking with my bigger brain (not the one above my shoulders). /default_smile.png

 

[Roger]

You’re certainly not the first to feel this way, my friend.

I’m sorry you’re frustrated, but in my experience, frustration usually results when someone’s expectations are out of line with reality.

The way to mitigate the frustration is not to change reality but to change your expectations.

The first thing you can do is understand that men look for sex and find love. They are driven by attraction and have zero trouble separating the physical act of sex from the feelings of love. In this case your expectations are that men should not be interested in having sex on the third date.

And reality is showing you that this is something that men are interested in.

What’s a slower-moving, more traditional woman to do?

Well, the first thing you can do is understand that men look for sex and find love. Check with Peanut on this one, but men will have sex with women they don’t like and women they barely feel attracted to. Especially if they're lonely and sex-deprived (sex is always much more important when you’re not getting it!)!

I’m not saying you have to like this facet of men, but at least, at this point, you can stop getting surprised or upset at it. It’s like getting angry at rain or nightfall. Your opinions of it don’t matter much; it’s still going to keep on happening.

Next, you have to forgive these men for their ignorance. They know not what they do. Even if you believe their ridiculous statement, “If I don’t have sex by the third date, she’s not into me,” it doesn’t matter. What a man wants is not necessarily to have sex on the third date, but to have some physical contact that may, someday, lead to sex.

Men are like sharks. They need to keep on moving.

What a man wants is not necessarily to have sex on the third date, but to have some physical contact that may, someday, lead to sex. If he’s been talking to you for a week, plans a date, picks you up, takes you out, grabs the check, drives you home, and is also attracted to you, you can be sure that if he’s at all confident, he’s going to make a first move.

How far he gets is up to you.

Then there’s going to be a second date. Same thing’s gonna happen. You can’t be surprised by this or blame him for this. All you can do is figure out how much you like him, how much you trust him, and how far you want to go. There’s no right or wrong. Your boundaries are your boundaries. You just can’t get too upset when he tries something.

Then there’s a third date. Same thing’s gonna happen. If you want to avoid sexual contact, you can make sure your third date takes place over a picnic in a park, at 5:30 after work, or at a crafts fair, but understand, he’s still driven by his attraction to you. He doesn’t know that he wants you to be his girlfriend yet.

So hang in there AlHoney! Just go on living, loving and laughing. Your time will arrive!

XO!

Bloom

Brilliant! I think I will print this and put it on my fridge! Lol

News flash: As most of you know despite my User name, I am a female.... A female who has re-entered the dating world as a middle age woman after a long term marriage. I enjoy a fairly active dating life; I'm confident and would love to find a long term partner. That said, I was floored by this whole sex thing when I began dating again! I just assumed men understood that most women want love then sex.

I married my high school sweetheart so obviously we were young when we met and did not jump into bed immediate. Point is, I feel in love with him first. I assumed it would be the same the second time around. I was wrong!

So, to take it a step further, how do you (meaning Bloom and anyone else reading this response) handle it when he gets frustrated about waiting for sex? Even if I understand his behavior, it doesn't change the fact that I might not be ready to have sex. Now, there are certain things I'm ok with fairly soon into the relationship but I do think sex is a gift and I'm not willing to share that with a guy unless If I'm fairly sure I think he "might" be someone with whom I want to be exclusive.

I've found it to be exhausting to constantly have to say "let's wait" or "let's not complicate this yet". I might be ready by the second or third date but I might not be ready. Just because I'm not ready doesn't mean I'm not into him. Yet, it is ALWAYS interpreted as such and the man I'm dating begins to cool.

I am tired of feeling like the only way to express my interest in a man is to have sex with him. I love men and I love sex but only with a man with whom I have a mutually monogamous and exclusive relationship. This kind of poses a problem if the subject of exclusivity hasn't come up yet.

Does this make any sense? Thought anyone? Men, pls feel free to give me your viewpoint!

 

[Guest]

I have always been pretty conservative as far as the big move goes. However, i was in bed with my Otter the day after we met. It was ummmm...necessary or i thought i may die. Some CRAZY chemistry there. I have never EVER been a believer of love at first sight. EVER! Well it happened to me. Obvi now i am a believer. I thought i had really screwed up, he was gonna think i was a ho...yadda

Yadda. Almost two years later, we are STUPID in love.....it is embarrassing! Lol! This is the guy Mom told me would be out there! He was worth the wait! Now, even though i have never wanted children, i want to have hundreds of babies with this man. At my age that is a slight chance naturally. We gonna try for a bit anyway. Pretty soon. Just my lil story.

 

[deperson]

Well Honey, as a dude I agree. It seems as if there is 2 types of dating. Short term just to get some. And the longer term to find somebody you really connect with, and then to get some. We are humans, and our primitive instinct is to have sex. I guess when I date a person I kinda get lucky. I usually do not make the first moves too quick, and it almost always seems like the chick is pretty much throwing herself on me (which I do not complain about). It's kinda odd really, I will go out with a chick to dinner or something. Afterwards we might chat for a bit in the car or go walk around somewhere. Then bam, it's like some aura from my mindwaves or something gets into them and well you know the result. I really really do not even try hard, actually at first I pretty much do not try at all. I could share some pretty crazy stories but my laptop is about to die, my addy is wearing off, my xan is kicking in, and I still have to eat and shower before another 12hr day. Long story short, maybe my sincere interest in the female I am dating is a turn on for them?

Oh ya after reading this please do not think of my NYE date nightmare. That was a spur of the moment thing, where I did the exact opposite that I do. Only bc I was thinking with my bigger brain (not the one above my shoulders). /default_smile.png

I love crazy stories, let's hear them!

 

[Roger]

Haha!!! Dep! Glad to hear from you!

 

[Allhoney75]

Brilliant! I think I will print this and put it on my fridge! Lol

News flash: As most of you know despite my User name, I am a female.... A female who has re-entered the dating world as a middle age woman after a long term marriage. I enjoy a fairly active dating life; I'm confident and would love to find a long term partner. That said, I was floored by this whole sex thing when I began dating again! I just assumed men understood that most women want love then sex.

I married my high school sweetheart so obviously we were young when we met and did not jump into bed immediate. Point is, I feel in love with him first. I assumed it would be the same the second time around. I was wrong!

So, to take it a step further, how do you (meaning Bloom and anyone else reading this response) handle it when he gets frustrated about waiting for sex? Even if I understand his behavior, it doesn't change the fact that I might not be ready to have sex. Now, there are certain things I'm ok with fairly soon into the relationship but I do think sex is a gift and I'm not willing to share that with a guy unless If I'm fairly sure I think he "might" be someone with whom I want to be exclusive.

I've found it to be exhausting to constantly have to say "let's wait" or "let's not complicate this yet". I might be ready by the second or third date but I might not be ready. Just because I'm not ready doesn't mean I'm not into him. Yet, it is ALWAYS interpreted as such and the man I'm dating begins to cool.

I am tired of feeling like the only way to express my interest in a man is to have sex with him. I love men and I love sex but only with a man with whom I have a mutually monogamous and exclusive relationship. This kind of poses a problem if the subject of exclusivity hasn't come up yet.

Does this make any sense? Thought anyone? Men, pls feel free to give me your viewpoint!

I feel like you are in my head...lol. I feel the exact same way. I love sex too. When I was with my ex, hell I'd tell him to take off work and I'd take off and we'd have sex days. So it's not like I want it but when I'm on a date.............no wait lets back up....................many guys don't even want to go on a date but want you to come to their place and I'm supposed to just do it!? Okay so then there's the next one where you've been on a second or third date and he's bringing the topic up and to me it's almost like he's reduced me down to a whore. I don't know the kind of comments you get Roger but I get everything from you feel like giving me a blowjob or a handjob right now or I want to do you right now...........and I'm like what the hell!  Then when you tell them you aren't ready they get highly upset. It gets so tiring telling these men no or can we wait. And when did the expectation change to sleeping with everybody you only date anyway? Before I become physical I like to move into that committed stage. Speaking of commitment, the guy I spoke of when I first created this thread.....I told him just that yesterday, If you want that and I certainly don't mind doing it, we need a committed relationship. His response...............oh I'm not ready for that! Oh really! So let me get this straight you want to have sex with me and that's it. The problem is too many are like this!

But men haven't always been like this. What changed? I've heard everything from the women's lib movement is to blame, the sexual revolution is to blame and so forth. But that doesn't explain the blatant disrespect.

 

[Roger]

That's my point exactly!!! I think the sexual part of a relationship is truly one of the most beautiful ways to express love and brings the partners together.... It is like the two of you share something together that's yours only. The times I've felt rushed and slept with a man too soon (for my taste), it has inevitably caused the relationship to stagnate rather than grow.

I had this discussion with a guy I dated this past Sept-Oct. He told me he would never commit to any woman until after he slept with a her. This was our second date. Well, I liked him well enough and thought there "could" be a future so..... The relationship lasted another 6 weeks. See what I mean?

As far as overt sexual propositions, I can honestly say I've never had a guy to be as forward as you are describing. If a man sd that to me, I would tell him to go to hell and walk out. That is beyond rude and totally objectifies a woman. My experience is that I have to beat them off with a bat on the second date. We start being appropriately physical (for a second date) and the next thing I know he is..... (Fill in the blank!)

I agree that I don't think it has always been this way though I wasn't very experienced when I reentered the dating world. Our society has changed in general an maybe men think because women are now successful in the corporate world that we think like they do when it comes to sex. The genders have blurred. And of course media presents casual sex as the norm. I mean I'm all for doing what floats your boat so the speak but my guess is many women feel like it is contemporary in today's world to sleep with a man soon after meeting him.

I don't know the answer and it may be as simple as we have not met the right person. If I "knew" early on then I would be like Cat. We all have that feeling when we know it is right. I knew I was going to marry my exhusband when we were on a double date (remember those?) with OTHER people!

It would be cool if a guy would chime in with an honest assessment of this issue. It really makes dating stressful when it should be just fun!