Bi polar

[Jools]

Oh my, the suffering you've endured and the sad and painful responsibilities you've had to bear for your entire family are beyond measure.  You've mentioned a strong desire to ease the suffering of others; to help mend those who are broken.  Have you considered studying to become a therapist?  Depending on which field you might specialize, it might not pay well.  But your helping those desperately needing comfort and a hand in learning how to breathe and cope and live despite the most terrible of things life throws at us would help heal not just their wounds, but ease the pain of your wounds as well.  

As far as being "happy," I have trouble relating to the word.  To me, the word implies or expects a constancy of happiness that doesn't seem possible for our human condition.  My expectations are much lower.  If I can experience moments of joy, if I can really laugh with someone or at something, then I'm insanely grateful and treasure the experience.

Life for several billion people right now is an endless river of sorrow and loss; be it due to oppressive dictatorships, governments ruled by religious cults, soul-crushing poverty, the carnage of war, starvation, parents suffering the death of a child, third-world conditions where clean water or even an aspirin aren't available.  I'm not happy; I'm just relieved and eternally grateful for the luck of being born where freedom is guaranteed, where I'm thus far safe from war on my own shores and where modern medicine, technology, food, water and physical safety are available. 

I agree with you that the more I know about how bad people can be, the more I appreciate the company of fluffy critters whose love and loyalty knows no bounds.

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My own experience of true happiness has been when I have either helped someone to do or achieve something they thought they couldn't or when I have done something totally unsolicited and for a friend in need or the homeless guy in the street. Happiness, for me anyway, has always been a byproduct of doing or aiding others. I don't actually anyone can exist in a permanently joyous state, that just doesn't compute for me. We wouldn't then truly appreciate those rare moments that can take our breath away

you mention therapy. I used to visit both parents daily when they were in hospital, that got to be very often in their final years and it broke me but that's another story. I did notice that I would cheer up the entire ward when I turned up and I then did a 3 month stint of visiting people who had no visitors. This was very satisfying and I grew to enjoy it. The only reason I stopped was mum being forcibly taken from us by the social services and my hands, head and life were engulfed in such darkness that's it's near impossible to articulate on here and without people going to sleep. Long story short they wanted her half of the house so it meant me paying her fees even though she was entitled to full funding. If I had not paid it, cost me my life savings of 76K, they could have applied to the courts to get me out ( even though I was by then half owner) & sell the house. I need to start proceedings to get those payments back but I know, as do they, how this manifests itself in physical illness with me. Not one of the extended family even visited her once they knew she was unable to give them cash, clothes of jewellery. It was partly her fault as she had conditioned them to rewards each time they visited, much like a bell ringing for a certain Mr Pavlov and his dogs. 

Its been the worst decade from hell. I wouldn't wish it upon a enemy. I still suffer to this day. I won't go further as it really does upset me but back to the topic, happiness for me has always been a byproduct of doing good,for,others 

 

[Jools]

I found similar things when I ended my relationship with my ex with bi-polar. 

I spent two nights making up cvs for my ex and went round ALL the hotels in our hometown as she said she wanted a chamber maid type job.After I'd spent ALL night giving out all the cvs the next days she said to me I was FORCING her to work when she wasn't well enough and she felt forced!.

The thing is this job was ALL her idea as was the job type ect.She did speak about it a week or so before saying that's what she really wanted.Of course I supported her saying she was smart and easily capable of this job.Which is true as now I hear she is working two different jobs and I suppose needs must and when we were together I paid for EVERYTHING so why bother.

As I said I did love this woman with all my heart,I now realise that EVERYONE was right and I should end the relationship.But when you love someone it definitely blinds you.I do hope she is happy on life as I don't really see/hear from her much,although I do hear from other propel thar she often is very drunk and dishevelled ?. 

But I think in the end we ALL must look after ourself FIRST....

Peace 

Bliss.....

And to @trinity and @Jools please do look after yourselves and like you jools I do enjoy my own company and don't need someone constantly.. 

Very similar experience here but she feigns incapacity to work yet is out most night earning and earning well from her photography business. I can't get my head around the fact that, for her, getting benefits is the most important thing of all & it's like she really doesn't count the money she earns as a professional photographer. I got caught a treat as she told me of her story of always wanting to be a photographer but never got the back and affirmation. I bought her a very decent camera and the lenses to go with it and yet she had in excess of 80K sat in her own bank account. 

What a real sucker I was. At least I can say, hand on heart, the person I now let go is in a much better place than the one I met. I got her camera gear, introduced her to some big hitters in the boxing game including The Warrens, Smiths, Eubanks, Fury family and more locally the Sanigars. She is in a very good position if only she chooses to use that. 

Of course there are two sides to every story and I'm embarrassed to say that I exploded with her once. I had quietly asked her to leave me alone but she just ignored my plea and carried on. I am not ashamed of what I said but am thoroughly ashamed, embarrassed and sad that she saw that beast appear. It terrified her and had me hyperventilating for 2 hours after. I literally begged her to leave me alone with the drama but it fell upon deaf ears. I never EVER repeated that though there were occasions where many would have said it was warranted but it's just not me nowadays and I hate aggression and being aggressive. Secretly and later she admitted that she wanted to see what my temper was like and how far she could push me. I only found this out when the mutual friend let it slip when we had a few pints. If that had been a man then it would have been complete mayhem. Please don't get me wrong as I have had counselling and the anger management course probably saved me further gaol time. I make sure I don't even keep the company of those who can bring that kind of response out of me. 

As the John Martyn song goes, Imdomt want to know about evil, I only want to know about love

 

[blissopifree 2]

Tbh @Jools I had never had ANY experience of bi-polar or any mental condition infact.I also found a drawer full of red letters (final demands) unopened.I did look into the condition "god bless Google!) and it says effects of the illness include bad and dangerous choices over spending and just burying your head in the sand.She even sent herself a valentines card EVERY YEAR saying guess who the one who loves you.I found out it was her as I found the envelopes wit no writing just plain,she would ALLWAYS say when we were on a night out (did you see the way that guy looked me up and down) are you gonna let that lie?.I just used to say well I take it as a compliment as it's me that's your partner!.

BTW not once did I see any guy look at her the way she said they did,I also was not allowed to speak to ANY female and she accused me of having an affair with my cousins wife after she seen a picture on Facebook of Mr my sister and my cousins wife on a night out,this was even before I was in this relationship!!.

But yeah she just wanted to get as much £ from her benefits it ended up almost like a job for her..

Peace 

Bliss.....

 

[Jools]

I just wanted to add that I am very grateful in particular to @trinity for starting this thread. @DippityDoo for adding some very relevant points that needed addressing immediately and to @PTFC for going above and behind to make sure I was ok. 

This forum is so much more than I think it set out to be. We are ALL damaged on here but it's the extent of that damage that can make a big difference. I certainly didn't think I would get the back up and support that I have on here and it's been incredible how a newbie like me has been taken into the fold. 

@blissopifree 2 I thank you for everything you wrote and shared. It's been very tough to live like this and I really am the one at fault at not doing anything about it for so long. I've been an idiot savant in that respect and because I truly thought I was helping her. I was enabling her is the absolute truth. 

Thank you to everyone and for the affirmation and help. It has truly kept me from going nuclear and has kept me nice and when nasty woukd have been the easiest of options. Some Trinity said just resonated with me and made me realise why this is not just seemingly on loop but it IS why it's on loop. I am projecting hurt and broken and so this is what I am attracting into my life. This HAS to stop but stopping isn't going to be easy when, like many other things, it's become an habit. I do know that much of what I suffer most definitely is deeply affected my my own mindset and then how I portray that. For example. I make plans to meet up on a certain day around 2 weeks ahead and I found that each time the day came closer, my symptoms got worse and then to the point where I was incapable of going. Fevers, extreme bone and joint pain, brain fog and visual disturbance just being a part of that. I often wondered if it was me that was in some way causing this. I mean, I know I have been officially diagnosed with the disc herniations, Crohn's and Wegeners but for the symptoms to always manifest when I have already planned a meeting, that was just not something that sat comfortably with me 

The more I now take this apart, the more now it seems that I need to address this in a completely different way and it needs redressing right from the very bottom up  it's not a repair job but a totally rebuild  

Thanks to everyone who has commented or reacted to this  I see it as a door certainly opening but will I habe the fortitude to actually DO this ? I hope so 

 

[Jools]

Tbh @Jools I had never had ANY experience of bi-polar or any mental condition infact.I also found a drawer full of red letters (final demands) unopened.I did look into the condition "god bless Google!) and it says effects of the illness include bad and dangerous choices over spending and just burying your head in the sand.She even sent herself a valentines card EVERY YEAR saying guess who the one who loves you.I found out it was her as I found the envelopes wit no writing just plain,she would ALLWAYS say when we were on a night out (did you see the way that guy looked me up and down) are you gonna let that lie?.I just used to say well I take it as a compliment as it's me that's your partner!.

BTW not once did I see any guy look at her the way she said they did,I also was not allowed to speak to ANY female and she accused me of having an affair with my cousins wife after she seen a picture on Facebook of Mr my sister and my cousins wife on a night out,this was even before I was in this relationship!!.

But yeah she just wanted to get as much £ from her benefits it ended up almost like a job for her..

Peace 

Bliss.....

That sounds extremely like what I habe just ended from. The multi layers of fake Facebook profiles, the internet dating sites and so much more. NONE of ismdeserbes this, EVER 

she just came to pick up her stuff and tried to get us together by rationalising what she did. This time I was prepared for ALL that she threw at me and I actually pitied her. On leaving she gave out a huge sigh but that I believe was in knowing she's lost out on the $$$$$$$$$$ and nothing to do with love. 

 

[2earls]

I don't think a single soul thought my husband and I would make it  (including ourselves). If I had the means to leave him at that time, I most certainly would have, as I was at a low point from ANOTHER failed relationship.

Now I would say that the last 7 years have been the best of my life. It's not perfect nor will it ever be. There will always be things I wish were different about him.

I think that was what I had to change about myself, to have expectations he's capable of meeting and to fulfill some of my emotional needs elsewhere, through other friendships. No, I don't mean cheating.

Maybe we are an exception but I think that if you are in this type of relationship, it's not necessarily doomed. If there's love on both sides and compromise, anything is possible, as corny as it sounds.

Much love to all of you 

 

[blissopifree 2]

That sounds extremely like what I habe just ended from. The multi layers of fake Facebook profiles, the internet dating sites and so much more. NONE of ismdeserbes this, EVER 

she just came to pick up her stuff and tried to get us together by rationalising what she did. This time I was prepared for ALL that she threw at me and I actually pitied her. On leaving she gave out a huge sigh but that I believe was in knowing she's lost out on the $$$$$$$$$$ and nothing to do with love. 

I know for a fact she had atleast 2 F/B accounts and I REALLY didn't want to know how many dating sites before we met?.I think she actually is VERY good at using men,but in reality it was actually mostly the men who did and she said that  physical  violence and mental violence was an every week at least.Now I do believe some things were infact true but there were SO many lies that just fell outa her mouth i think she ACTUALLY believed half of it.One time I said I'd take her and the two kids on holiday to Spain  (benidorm).My mate had an ideal private apartment there with sauna pool gym ect, btw both kids had NEVER even been on a plain before let alone SPAIN .One was 16 and the other 13 and they were SO exited the sun the beaches!!!.My ex took me aside and said please don't make me go to benidorm anywhere but benidorm?.She had no reason why and my reason was mate was offshore and was letting me have it CHEAP .Well all ill say is the kids still been on a holiday abroad and it was me who had to say the weeks had been mixed up and we couldn't go any more.What a lovely stepdad (basically ).

Peace 

Bliss.    

 

[ElectroNymph]

I had a break down yesterday: it went from anger, to tears, to suicidal thoughts, to regret.

I woke up this morning and felt fine. I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but my ex thinks I may have Bi-polar.

Have a doctor's appointment on Monday, so will see if she can help. I have been stable for a while now, so yesterday was unexpected. 

Good luck to everyone suffering from mental illness. We need more support.

 

[PTFC]

I had a break down yesterday: it went from anger, to tears, to suicidal thoughts, to regret.

I woke up this morning and felt fine. I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but my ex thinks I may have Bi-polar.

Have a doctor's appointment on Monday, so will see if she can help. I have been stable for a while now, so yesterday was unexpected. 

Good luck to everyone suffering from mental illness. We need more support.

Yeah, get checked over asap @ElectroNymph! Watch what you're taking too. 

 

[ElectroNymph]

Yeah, get checked over asap @ElectroNymph! Watch what you're taking too. 

Thanks @PTFC I will be careful, even with my birthday coming up! x

 

[dotcomkot]

Thanks @PTFC I will be careful, even with my birthday coming up! x

sounds like u may have a few things a build up of shit in ur head an explosive action.. ur friend ...its make or break ur at a cross road now. i hate my bipolar so much i love it. meaning it is my best an worst enemy 

 

[ElectroNymph]

sounds like u may have a few things a build up of shit in ur head an explosive action.. ur friend ...its make or break ur at a cross road now. i hate my bipolar so much i love it. meaning it is my best an worst enemy 

I took two online tests for Bipolar yesterday. You had to get 22, or over for a likelihood of having it - I got 47 in both tests!

Sorry to here of your struggle. I can identify with it.

 

[dotcomkot]

again out of likes hun but yeh i am diagnosed bpsd an ptsd an a few other labels unstable or some shit some days i embrace it an love it have a fuckin buz of a day lit raging but good. then days are hide the rope an sharp objects. 

 

[ElectroNymph]

again out of likes hun but yeh i am diagnosed bpsd an ptsd an a few other labels unstable or some shit some days i embrace it an love it have a fuckin buz of a day lit raging but good. then days are hide the rope an sharp objects. 

I am diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder, but they are quite similar and self-destructive. It's also linked to PTSD. Just got to keep going, some days are horrendous, others bearable, occasionally happy! Humour helps a lot.

Best of luck.

 

[dotcomkot]

yeh the bpst is border emotionallly unstable mouth ful i know that i was treated as bipolar for 10 yrs but now its this bpsd so threy say

 

[blissopifree 2]

I had a break down yesterday: it went from anger, to tears, to suicidal thoughts, to regret.

I woke up this morning and felt fine. I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but my ex thinks I may have Bi-polar.

Have a doctor's appointment on Monday, so will see if she can help. I have been stable for a while now, so yesterday was unexpected. 

Good luck to everyone suffering from mental illness. We need more support.

Sounds like it could be bi-polar @ElectroNymph?.

Are you prone to making bad financial decisions and not paying bills,those were the main two I noticed not to mention the temper and argumentative nature one time and the most loving person the next...

Hope your ok lass Happy Birthday ??? X

✌✌

Bliss.....

 

[ElectroNymph]

Sounds like it could be bi-polar @ElectroNymph?.

Are you prone to making bad financial decisions and not paying bills,those were the main two I noticed not to mention the temper and argumentative nature one time and the most loving person the next...

Hope your ok lass Happy Birthday ??? X

✌✌

Bliss.....

Thanks, Bliss. ?

Yes, all of those things affect me. My doctor said "But you have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder?" Small minded, really. 

Our country and the World are in a terrible state. My Mum (Who occasionally lives in France) says that the Far Right are gaining huge support over there.

All of this recent stuff doesn't help my/our mental health. ?

 

[blissopifree 2]

Hope your day improved on your birthday lass ?X

Remember we all have "off days" bur some feel it far more seriously than others.I just hope you get back on that level playing field once more @ElectroNymph X

Peace 

Bliss.....

 

[ElectroNymph]

Hope your day improved on your birthday lass ?X

Remember we all have "off days" bur some feel it far more seriously than others.I just hope you get back on that level playing field once more @ElectroNymph X

Peace 

Bliss.....

I'm feeling a bit better, thanks.

Music is a great healer, this song has been getting out some of my anger!

 

[blissopifree 2]

I had a first date last night and it was GREAT!,we were honest from the get go.I told her about my problems with drugs over the years and to my surprise (as I'd never have believed it) she'd also had problems for over 10 yrs,although 8 years clean now?.We just TOTALLY clicked however she did tell me about her depression/bi-polar problems,I am a little worried after my last experience of the condition.The thing is when you look into someone,s eyes sometimes you just see something there,almost like an I understand you look?.I will give thus new relationship a go as there just something about her and I dunno I just wanna find out more?.They do say love at first sight can happen and I think this female is worth taking a chance on (fingers crossed).

Peace 

Bliss.....