chchtwo
Member
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2019
- Messages
- 186
A small piece of this post contains information I've already posted. I included it as context in as much larger post.
This is going to be a long one. I apologize in advance, but this is a message that could impact this community especially, but also our whole country, and the entire world. You have to read until the end to get the point. Some of you may know what I am talking about already (at the end), but it happened to me recently. So, I grew up in Texas and continue to live my life here with my family and loved one (small stint in Colorado). I grew up in a middle-class family. I'm a product of the boomer generation. My immediate family (and some extended) was fairly religious, but not in an overbearing way. They were loving. As a younger person and throughout my life, I can't say I was truly happy. I have lived my whole life with a splinter in my brain (speaking analogously), causing me unidentifiable and indescribable pain always. I have lived my life, good and bad, with it there, always. There were truly happy times and truly tough times. I went to private (Christian) school until the 8th grade. During late elementary school, my parents got a divorce. That certainly played a role in my life. I don't blame anyone. My parents are both magnificent individuals in their own way. It seemed like during that time, I don't know, it seemed like every 3rd or 4th kid was going through the same thing. I found solace in that, but really never understood the dynamics of the situation or understand why this was happening (of course-I was in the 4th grade I think). Anyway, when I started public school, it was a shock to my system. It seems my chase for resolution began around that time, somewhat subconsciously (especially at the time). The school was not really engaging (I knew, for the most part, what they were teaching already), but the social aspects were new. However, going through that experience, I gained experience of dealing with the world (my school) and about people in general. Despite my missteps, putting my mom and dad through hell for a few years (sorry, again) and starting to experiment with drugs, even at the lowest level, I still feel fondly about it. I was able to freely explore the ecology of it all, with a real-world sample of people at all levels/angles. Some of the best friends were made around this time (including the one I consider my lifelong soul mate friend and most importantly, I met my current wife of almost 30 years now). The experience with interacting with girls was exciting (right age for it I guess). It finally started to mean something special to me. Sometimes I would feel like I was sitting on top of the world. Sure, I was "going out' or "going steady" or "girlfriend/boyfriend" thing before all this, but it was more ritualistic than anything else. I think I've learned most of the important things in my life before I went to public school, it seems (from an educational perspective, at least a base) , then afterwards (except college and accounting, etc) I truly learned everything on my own. I always had a thirst for knowledge and concepts. To name a few off the top of my head . . . . life, cosmology and the universe, nature, how everything connects, the human condition, music, physics concepts, emotions, psychological disorders, science fiction, etc. I've always considered myself pretty dang intelligent, definitely smarter than the average bear, so to speak. I do not mean this to sound negative, make anyone feel small (no one is), or sound braggadocious. Quite the opposite, I am one that has felt inferior to many, but thankful to have what I have relative to some others (understanding). So back to the school thing . . . so I completed 9th and 10th grade and eventually dropped out, then started college. During this time, I was reconnected with my wife and we started a relationship that has never died and one that I feel so fortunate to have. I knocked the college thing out over 3-4 years, much of it while working all night, then going to college during the day. In addition to that, my wife worked, and we had a baby. Since that time, I have worked as an accountant for a couple of decades for larger companies and smaller companies, from bookkeeping roles to Controller/Finance Administrator roles. I have since had problems from a psychological perspective, experienced times when I didn't want to go outside or leave my room. Struggling in life, suffering as a person. This all goes back to that "splinter in my mind" that I have carried this whole time. I started with doctors at a really young age (20's). I was diagnosed with anxiety and a little more. I was prescribed xanax and Paxil, I think that was the first SSRI (that I took). I didn't end up liking the SSRI and got off of it. However, xanax seemed to allow me to be functional in these high stress times at work and sometimes at home. Over time though, your tolerance goes up and either you have to take more or find another alternative. That was when I started Lexapro (another SSRI). It seemed okay for a while. But for some reason, I ended up getting off of it, but I can't remember why (long time ago). I then started to feel my issue wasn't being properly addressed. So I met with my regular doctor and told him everything. He said he thought I may be bipolar, so he gave me a referral to a psychiatrist. I sat down with him and told him a little about my situation, the he asked me a few questions. He then proceeded to through my folder into the trash and said that I was definitely NOT bipolar and that he would see me no more. I didn't think I was either (didn't even really understand it though at the time). As far as the other part, maybe the fact that I was using xanax, that I was just trying to get "stuff" from him. I'll never truly know for sure, but that's my guess. So, times go on and yet I still have the same issue. Where it went south here is that I knew what could get me by, so I got it for a while getting it from outside the appropriate doctor channels until I got to the point where I knew I couldn't keep doing this. So, I started to try and stop on my own. I used all the tools I could find (medical literature, books about specific solutions). So, I tried and tried and tried over 2 or 3 years (worst years of my life). I would get so close, then I wouldn't sleep for 4 days, then a panic attack/small seizures (endless cycle). I got so fed up with it all, I just gave in. At this point my wife knew about it for a while (upset, BUT supportive), so after calling around to check options (none). I had her take me to drug addiction hospitals, emergency rooms, etc. until I found one hospital that was willing to give me a referral to the main hospital in a nearby community, where they had a controlled facility on one of the floors, but gave me a warning that I would be the only there voluntarily, all the others are court ordered by a judge. I didn't care, I was determined to get out of this bind and continue to pursue psychiatric help. I wish I would have done all of this earlier, because it ended up being easy. It just took a doctor to believe me and be able to help. I got that. He got me off of it in 3 or 4 days (very tough), but I had gone through this suffering for maybe 2 years. By the 3rd and 4th day, I was running laps in the courtyard, when many of the patients could walk, or barely walk, or were just brought out to be outside. After that, I started helping with the counselors/nurses, running a couple of game stations during an "olympic games" or something for these other poor patients. I was really trying to make them feel good. I had a lot of empathy for their situations. The others weren't allowed to come out while everyone else was there. They were violent, challenged psychologically, and sick from addictions (or some combination therof). The next day I got discharged and had a really good talk with the psychiatrist there, who sent me with a referral and a stack of medicine to finish tapering off at home. Smooth sailing for me. I got to say goodbye to a lot of the staff and many patients, even though this was a lockdown facility. I was feeling really good about my situation. I knew I had still had a lot of work to be done, but I had this gorilla off of my back. All it took was a special type of medication that I had never heard of at that point and something that would help me sleep (that was a big part). Not anything bad for sleep either, something you can take on a long-term basis, no bad side effects or blackouts that are associated with common prescribed sleep medicines, no cloud 9 feeling. It was perfect. So I came home and I asked my wife to administer the stacks to me for a few weeks (just in case). Then she gave it back and I finished the medication over the next 6 weeks or so. I was back to normal again, but the splinter was still there. I had new opportunities with new doctors that may be able to help though. I'm going to go fast to get though it quickly so I can get to the end. Diagnoses (with medication changing/adjusting throughout) were of course severe anxiety, mania, then bipolar, a growth (more like my brain doesn't fit right in my brain cavity) they found in my brain that can cause this stuff, then severe ADD. So, it now stands as anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, and more based on my symptoms (with the possibility of a slight brain defect). I take medication that addresses all of this. I have now figured out (personally) the specific condition is that I have. I'll be discussing it with my doc next appointment. It's not important to discuss what that condition is, but to give you the opportunity to figure out the answer to your specific situations. So, I'm not here to tell you my life story, but how I solved my puzzle. I no longer have a splinter in my brain. I feel more grounded, reasonable, loving, comfortable, 100% within myself. I now believe in God without a doubt. I kind of of always had believed in some part of my brain, but the way my brain works (extremely logically), it wasn't something I could ever 100% rule in or 100% rule out. There is an intangible aspect in it that you literally can't really pick a side truly (unless you believe already), unless something happens to you in a profound way and leads you down one path or the other. There has been a lot of scientific research (really for decades or more). They are finding out more and more and slowly starting to get close to putting this out as a provable fact. It's almost at the surface. If it comes up in a political fashion, I encourage you to join in and support it. I'm quite certain there is resistance, even as we speak. I think you will know it when you see it. The thing about it is that it has the potential to change the lives of millions, for good (meant both ways: rest of life/as in good vs evil). Maybe change the world. Like I said, there has to be some that know this or are familiar, in which case, I'm certain you agree that this has almost incalculable potential, especially if you think big. I'm not going to talk about it directly but a good start would be the Thalamus part of the brain and the Limbic system. Thank you for reading. Propogation of happy things and good news.
Best regards.
chctwo
This is going to be a long one. I apologize in advance, but this is a message that could impact this community especially, but also our whole country, and the entire world. You have to read until the end to get the point. Some of you may know what I am talking about already (at the end), but it happened to me recently. So, I grew up in Texas and continue to live my life here with my family and loved one (small stint in Colorado). I grew up in a middle-class family. I'm a product of the boomer generation. My immediate family (and some extended) was fairly religious, but not in an overbearing way. They were loving. As a younger person and throughout my life, I can't say I was truly happy. I have lived my whole life with a splinter in my brain (speaking analogously), causing me unidentifiable and indescribable pain always. I have lived my life, good and bad, with it there, always. There were truly happy times and truly tough times. I went to private (Christian) school until the 8th grade. During late elementary school, my parents got a divorce. That certainly played a role in my life. I don't blame anyone. My parents are both magnificent individuals in their own way. It seemed like during that time, I don't know, it seemed like every 3rd or 4th kid was going through the same thing. I found solace in that, but really never understood the dynamics of the situation or understand why this was happening (of course-I was in the 4th grade I think). Anyway, when I started public school, it was a shock to my system. It seems my chase for resolution began around that time, somewhat subconsciously (especially at the time). The school was not really engaging (I knew, for the most part, what they were teaching already), but the social aspects were new. However, going through that experience, I gained experience of dealing with the world (my school) and about people in general. Despite my missteps, putting my mom and dad through hell for a few years (sorry, again) and starting to experiment with drugs, even at the lowest level, I still feel fondly about it. I was able to freely explore the ecology of it all, with a real-world sample of people at all levels/angles. Some of the best friends were made around this time (including the one I consider my lifelong soul mate friend and most importantly, I met my current wife of almost 30 years now). The experience with interacting with girls was exciting (right age for it I guess). It finally started to mean something special to me. Sometimes I would feel like I was sitting on top of the world. Sure, I was "going out' or "going steady" or "girlfriend/boyfriend" thing before all this, but it was more ritualistic than anything else. I think I've learned most of the important things in my life before I went to public school, it seems (from an educational perspective, at least a base) , then afterwards (except college and accounting, etc) I truly learned everything on my own. I always had a thirst for knowledge and concepts. To name a few off the top of my head . . . . life, cosmology and the universe, nature, how everything connects, the human condition, music, physics concepts, emotions, psychological disorders, science fiction, etc. I've always considered myself pretty dang intelligent, definitely smarter than the average bear, so to speak. I do not mean this to sound negative, make anyone feel small (no one is), or sound braggadocious. Quite the opposite, I am one that has felt inferior to many, but thankful to have what I have relative to some others (understanding). So back to the school thing . . . so I completed 9th and 10th grade and eventually dropped out, then started college. During this time, I was reconnected with my wife and we started a relationship that has never died and one that I feel so fortunate to have. I knocked the college thing out over 3-4 years, much of it while working all night, then going to college during the day. In addition to that, my wife worked, and we had a baby. Since that time, I have worked as an accountant for a couple of decades for larger companies and smaller companies, from bookkeeping roles to Controller/Finance Administrator roles. I have since had problems from a psychological perspective, experienced times when I didn't want to go outside or leave my room. Struggling in life, suffering as a person. This all goes back to that "splinter in my mind" that I have carried this whole time. I started with doctors at a really young age (20's). I was diagnosed with anxiety and a little more. I was prescribed xanax and Paxil, I think that was the first SSRI (that I took). I didn't end up liking the SSRI and got off of it. However, xanax seemed to allow me to be functional in these high stress times at work and sometimes at home. Over time though, your tolerance goes up and either you have to take more or find another alternative. That was when I started Lexapro (another SSRI). It seemed okay for a while. But for some reason, I ended up getting off of it, but I can't remember why (long time ago). I then started to feel my issue wasn't being properly addressed. So I met with my regular doctor and told him everything. He said he thought I may be bipolar, so he gave me a referral to a psychiatrist. I sat down with him and told him a little about my situation, the he asked me a few questions. He then proceeded to through my folder into the trash and said that I was definitely NOT bipolar and that he would see me no more. I didn't think I was either (didn't even really understand it though at the time). As far as the other part, maybe the fact that I was using xanax, that I was just trying to get "stuff" from him. I'll never truly know for sure, but that's my guess. So, times go on and yet I still have the same issue. Where it went south here is that I knew what could get me by, so I got it for a while getting it from outside the appropriate doctor channels until I got to the point where I knew I couldn't keep doing this. So, I started to try and stop on my own. I used all the tools I could find (medical literature, books about specific solutions). So, I tried and tried and tried over 2 or 3 years (worst years of my life). I would get so close, then I wouldn't sleep for 4 days, then a panic attack/small seizures (endless cycle). I got so fed up with it all, I just gave in. At this point my wife knew about it for a while (upset, BUT supportive), so after calling around to check options (none). I had her take me to drug addiction hospitals, emergency rooms, etc. until I found one hospital that was willing to give me a referral to the main hospital in a nearby community, where they had a controlled facility on one of the floors, but gave me a warning that I would be the only there voluntarily, all the others are court ordered by a judge. I didn't care, I was determined to get out of this bind and continue to pursue psychiatric help. I wish I would have done all of this earlier, because it ended up being easy. It just took a doctor to believe me and be able to help. I got that. He got me off of it in 3 or 4 days (very tough), but I had gone through this suffering for maybe 2 years. By the 3rd and 4th day, I was running laps in the courtyard, when many of the patients could walk, or barely walk, or were just brought out to be outside. After that, I started helping with the counselors/nurses, running a couple of game stations during an "olympic games" or something for these other poor patients. I was really trying to make them feel good. I had a lot of empathy for their situations. The others weren't allowed to come out while everyone else was there. They were violent, challenged psychologically, and sick from addictions (or some combination therof). The next day I got discharged and had a really good talk with the psychiatrist there, who sent me with a referral and a stack of medicine to finish tapering off at home. Smooth sailing for me. I got to say goodbye to a lot of the staff and many patients, even though this was a lockdown facility. I was feeling really good about my situation. I knew I had still had a lot of work to be done, but I had this gorilla off of my back. All it took was a special type of medication that I had never heard of at that point and something that would help me sleep (that was a big part). Not anything bad for sleep either, something you can take on a long-term basis, no bad side effects or blackouts that are associated with common prescribed sleep medicines, no cloud 9 feeling. It was perfect. So I came home and I asked my wife to administer the stacks to me for a few weeks (just in case). Then she gave it back and I finished the medication over the next 6 weeks or so. I was back to normal again, but the splinter was still there. I had new opportunities with new doctors that may be able to help though. I'm going to go fast to get though it quickly so I can get to the end. Diagnoses (with medication changing/adjusting throughout) were of course severe anxiety, mania, then bipolar, a growth (more like my brain doesn't fit right in my brain cavity) they found in my brain that can cause this stuff, then severe ADD. So, it now stands as anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, and more based on my symptoms (with the possibility of a slight brain defect). I take medication that addresses all of this. I have now figured out (personally) the specific condition is that I have. I'll be discussing it with my doc next appointment. It's not important to discuss what that condition is, but to give you the opportunity to figure out the answer to your specific situations. So, I'm not here to tell you my life story, but how I solved my puzzle. I no longer have a splinter in my brain. I feel more grounded, reasonable, loving, comfortable, 100% within myself. I now believe in God without a doubt. I kind of of always had believed in some part of my brain, but the way my brain works (extremely logically), it wasn't something I could ever 100% rule in or 100% rule out. There is an intangible aspect in it that you literally can't really pick a side truly (unless you believe already), unless something happens to you in a profound way and leads you down one path or the other. There has been a lot of scientific research (really for decades or more). They are finding out more and more and slowly starting to get close to putting this out as a provable fact. It's almost at the surface. If it comes up in a political fashion, I encourage you to join in and support it. I'm quite certain there is resistance, even as we speak. I think you will know it when you see it. The thing about it is that it has the potential to change the lives of millions, for good (meant both ways: rest of life/as in good vs evil). Maybe change the world. Like I said, there has to be some that know this or are familiar, in which case, I'm certain you agree that this has almost incalculable potential, especially if you think big. I'm not going to talk about it directly but a good start would be the Thalamus part of the brain and the Limbic system. Thank you for reading. Propogation of happy things and good news.
Best regards.
chctwo
