Wow, I just have to say that all of you are special people. I can relate to so many things on here, however, I cannot even imagine being in some of your positions. It makes me sad. It makes it really hard to read. If I wasn't on my meds, I would probably start crying and have to stop reading. This is something special in this community in that there is so much love, caring, and understanding. Honestly, I don't recall ever seeing such a community like this. It's like we're all in the same boat, or have been in the same boat. Thanks to all of the posters that had the courage to post from the soul. Special thanks to all that supported those who posted.
I did notice posters facing many issues and I cannot even begin to offer appropriate advice, but I can offer one. If it helps only 1 person, it's so worth it.
I admit that I was addicted to Xans for 12'ish years. It was the most hellish experience I have ever had. Depending on the time period, I was using 10-25 mg per day. It worked so well at first overcoming heavy anxiety and other usual suspects of symptoms. The biggest impact it has on me now is that I can hardly remember any of my life for that whole time period. I was functional (until the last few years), but I had young kids and a wife and we had so many life experiences that I can't remember. It makes me feel worthless and so sad. I saw the writing on the wall in the middle of it, but kept going and going and going. Definitely what pushed me to the end is when, every now and again, there would be a small interruption in supply, would of course lead to major wd's. I've spent a lot of time in emergency rooms. So, I started trying to quit on my own for 3 years. That was hell because I was in a permanent state of wd's. You start to feel crazy. I lived on my couch for most of that time period just because I literally couldn't do anything. I used every method I could find and couldn't do it. One of the more helpful resources was some paper/guide on tapering from xans to longer acting benzos by a doctor in the UK (look it up-a lot of good info). I suppose it's possible to use that successfully, but I still could not do it. After so much of this, it wears you down to nothingness, you stop caring or even being able to think of anything else. And then a thought came to me one day and it kept building up over time. I didn't give a f*ck about anything anymore. I would sacrifice anything to get out (except my life). Then, I gave in (key). BTW, my wife was aware of the problem the last few years and give me major shit, but she ended up supporting me through the end. So I started calling hospitals, showing up at emergency rooms. On the 3rd hospital emergency room (county hosp), they gave me a referral to a treatment facility. I kind of went in to the whole I'm in their custody thing and give us your shoelaces and the doors are locked btw. I did not care. So, it was the whole treatment thing (I had been in treatment before when I was younger-for overall drug abuse). Meetings, a little exercise, when I finally could move properly, etc. The doctor administered a taper plan to me with Tranxene. I smile just by typing it. It was so much easier than anything I had tried, it never gave me a buzz or feel good or anything that would make me want to abuse it (that was key too). It was tough at first of course, still in major wd's, but they would give me a little something to help me sleep, which of course didn't help me for first few days It was trazodone, which I still take today. Then I slept for a few hours one night, and bit by bit, I started sleeping halfway normal. I could walk easily, do minor exercises. From that point on it was like a rocket ship. I started to feel some normalcy. I started running little laps in the courtyard. Then helping the counselor with other patience that were on heavy meds or, for whatever reason, couldn't function much. I was returning!! It is by far the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. I stayed there for only one week. I was the only one there that hadn't been forced to be there by a judge or whatever. So, after a couple of days of them seeing the true me (I kind of started to almost become one of the counselors-weird), they discharged me. It was a strange feeling because it was like they didn't know what to do with all of the normalcy I was displaying. So, the doctor set me up on a 3-4 month taper to complete on my own at home. I gave it to my wife to give to me for a few weeks and then I took over. The rest was relatively easy. Started back, of course, with a psych that helped me through it with a little cocktail of meds that were truely long-term meds. No benzo is a long term treatment. I've still had problems since then, but nothing compared to that. I still continue to improve and I am currently working on a breakthrough with my diagnosis that I am extremely optimistic about it. I have done benzo's since that time (even xanax) and I am currently on .5 mg Klons. It's like I've been cured though. I stay away from xans mostly, but I have had to use them to bridge a gap on a 90 day script of the Klons. But sometimes I just stop and I am okay. They could never recapture control of my life. I can see it, smell it, and hear it from a mile away. Ok need to wrap this up as I've seen how long this paragraph is becoming. Honestly, I could probably write a book about it.
For those of you stuck in the cycle, in my opinion, is just give up. Give in to it. You have to escape. It only gets worse. I risked my life for far too long by continuing. I risked losing my family, I did lose my job, to give in. True love and caring will make it survive with loved ones. Forget everything else and just do it. Take a week or two off of work for medical leave. Be honest with your loved one. Try Tranxene, it worked very well for me. I have never taken another one since then or even seen them around, talked about, nothing. If you take them, it seemingly has no effect or is transparent somehow, but it is a benzo. Try trazodone to help ease the transition to sleeping again. It doesn't knock you out or anything. For me, it just feels like a push in right direction to real, natural sleep. Lastly, get help, find help. It's out there. For me, it was impossible to stop without help. Have someone else administer the process. It took me 1 week to get though the worst of it. It seems silly looking back. It ended up being easy. It only took me over a decade, that I don't even remember that much, to figure it out. Don't be afraid, in the end, relatively speaking, there was nothing to ever be afraid of. Best of luck, thoughts & prayers your way.
Respectfully,
chctwo
