I Admit

[Jam1976]

@Akup7ich I can.relate and It freaking sucks bad doggy and @Jam1976 very proud of you honesty is the best policy especially with my doctor and @Handsley you made me cry I'm a baby but sounds like heavy duty survivors guilt wishing him dead and he dies! God I can't imagine the pain you suffer everyday even if he was an asshole. We have topics here personal advice hell create your own thread (like @Def_Starrwe all took over honestly by mistake!) but I guarantee you similar people might be in your situation that can help and support you.  I have not experienced loss like you but I'll guarantee I'll always listen to you and you have a shoulder to cry on. We all need help from each other 

@catzndogs brave admission you are at the right place with tons of support I promise I was a goner for sure until I made it here and made lifelong friends. Don't know why I can't pull up your name I admit!

i admit @Pooner2013im thinking of you and several others wishing you a hopefully good painless night of sleep.

i admitted to once trying to kill myself and after I took an assortment of drugs I ran downstairs to his bedroom we slept in different rooms and woke him up I was actually afraid to die. @Handsley things get better with time suicide is never the answer and we all would be really pissed. If you left us! Suicide is not allowed although I can relate to thinking about it too just so I wouldn't feel anymore pain. It does get better 'm grateful now for every single day I'm alive now. I cry every day now! I'm so happy I've changed I've cried many times.

i admit I'm nervous about surgery tomorrow but can't feel too bad because I chose to do it for superficial reasons. I admit I hate getting older it sucks!

I admit I miss chatting with Heavenlee! Send me a PM when you're not busy to let me know if you're ok? Been thinking of you and your surgery! 

I admit I'm getting psyched for my vacation! 

Beach air! Swimming! Friends! Dancing at clubs! FUN!!!!!

???

I admit my whole body hurts from working out today! Cross fit... ouch. 

Hope everyone has a grand night! 

 

[Sunrise81]

I admit that after almost 18years of chronic pain (due to an injury in boot camp and still stayed in the navy for 3 years after), I'm so tired of it. I've seen countless drs (both VA & civilians) and have been on over 40 different kinds of meds over the year and there's just no end. 

I admit that if it wasn't for my son, I would have checked out a LONG time ago. He is the reason I push through each and every day. <3

 

[DaMerlyn]

i admit I wish you better days and some sort of relief

 

[ClinicalPharmacologistResearc]

I Admit that only a very small amount of people know what I am write.

In 2003, my Dad went Home. I was watching TV and my Dad came in the room and wanted to say something to me. As I was a very bad, selfish person back then, I told him I was busy and to leave me alone. But, he kept talking to me nicely and I finally did "get the .... out of here". Then he did. I saw him turn around and I instantly felt really really bad I waled out of my room and got to the railing at the top of the stairs facing the stairs and I saw him walking down and the words were right their, for some reason I couldn't say anything. That feeling of go talk to him was right their in my mind I just decided to go finish what I was watching. 30 minutes later I couldn't deal with the guilt so I went downstairs to say that I was sorry...yeah I was to late. It was a DVT, I couldn't do anything.

I truly hate myself for saying that and I know that like you, it has nothing to do with what I said or thought. It was the 40 years of standing in one place filling scripts at our pharm and him not being really active that did it.

That story is me being a very bad person. I hope that it helps you to know that I do actually know exactly how you feel and it gets better.

 

[Kalsima]

@DaMerlyn I don't know why I didn't see your post I must have been out of it! You are so super sweet thinking about my surgery I did great and only took narcotics two days a lot of Valiums so I just slept all the time. Hardly any pain. I admit I adore you @DaMerlyn to be so unselfish and worry about others. I wonder how @Handsley is doing? Poor thing, wow what a sad story! I admit new rule but I'm not @Adminthere are no suicides allowed on this board! @DaMerlyn thanks so much, just knowing people think of you means a lot! @ClinicalPharmacologistResearc Your story is so sad also you are not a bad person at all we all say stupid things and can't see what could or might have happened. I'm sure you self medicate the pain away but it's not your fault. Most people I see hell bent on killing themselves unfortanetly end up doing so without help. I encourage or hope that you have done so already. God you guys make me so full of gratitude that I'm alive and the happiest I've been in my life! Best of wishes to you both @Handsley and @ClinicalPharmacologistResearc I hope you know someone is thinking of you everyday and hoping you're seeking help!

 

[Handsley]

@Heavenlee, thanks for caring about me.  I am still here.  I survived my microdiscectomy and I am so happy to be off work.  

I admit I wish I never had to go back to work.   I have wonderful coworkers, but a terrible supervisor I would love to be transferred from.  I am a pretty good worker so there's no reason for it, just a personality thing I would love to have out of my life.

 

[Kalsima]

Oh my god @Handsley I'm so happy to see you! I'm happy you survived your procedure but I admit I'm just grateful that your back and I'm looking at your avatar! You and @ClinicalPharmacologistResearc And I personally know of others on this board who confided they've lost loved ones from suicide and any matter of death really even though suicide seems to be the hardest should start a thread on the board because keeping it in and self medicating obviously is not working. Maybe helping each other can ease your pain I can't imagine. I'm not a doctor but professional help might not help I hope you have tried it though but maybe talking and getting that pain out with others will help. Pain is a killer that eats away at you everyday. Without letting go all the pain and resentment I probably could have died. I was slowly killing myself using so I could just stay numb. @Pooner2013 thank goodness for your new beginning because if you weren't here it wouldn't be the same without you. You're an excellent daughter and mother I'm so happy you never thought of it. You're and everyone else's absence would surely be missed. I admit I hate suicide and the loved ones who must suffer with guilt of something totally not their fault it is truly heartbreaking to read these stories especially after receiving a text from my son he tried to commit suicide because he is gay and how his dad abused him and guilt shamed him. It hits way to close to home today. I truly wish the best and all the happiness in the world for the suffering.

 

[Dr-Octagon]

I admit! I beat my dick like it owes me money

 

[Dr-Octagon]

@Heavenlee.....I admit i am an addict.....i also admit i have identified and implemented the solution. I no longer choose to live in the problem and i no longer allow it to dictate my behavior.  The lie is dead

 

[Kalsima]

@Dr-Octagon I'm sorry I cracked up at the first one but your second post was awesome I wish everyone on this thread nothing but the very best. I admit all iof our strong to post intimate information about themselves but remember how sneaky addiction is. Just when you think you got it down it can sneak up and bite you in the ass. I wish you the best and pray you succeed with this thread we all can support each other. 

 

[Handsley]

@ClinicalPharmacologistResearc,  I am so sorry to hear that about your dad.  I truly know how you feel.  A few weeks before my husband died, he went away for a weekend and right before he died, he asked my son how the weekend was without him there and my son told him, "the best weekend of my life."  And now he has also tremendous guilt because of that.  It sucks because it was just a stupid teenage thing to say and they did banter back and forth like that all the time, but now it's a major awful memory for my poor kid.

@Heavenlee , I am thankful your son did not follow through.  My son and I have told each other that if we do it, we do it together because we could not live without each other (at least he can't without me quite yet).  It did make me feel better to write what I am thinking out loud, but I would never actually do it.  My son is too important to me and I wouldn't do it because I couldn't do that to him.  I would leave an incredible responsibility to a family member who has already been through so much and she's been so good to me, I just couldn't do it to her either.  I am hoping there will be more to live for in the future, maybe another nice male companion and some travel.  Right now being able to walk and sit without excrutiating pain would be a big improvement.  It's just been truly the worst year of my life.  a major death, a horrible work environment, the damn herniated discs, 2 bouts of kidney stones, the gas grill exploded last week and a plethora of other issues beyond my control.  It's been one thing after another after another. Here's to better days ahead. "Pain is a killer that eats away at you everyday."  yes, emotionally, mentally and physically.   I am hoping and hoping that I am finally on the way up again.  

 

[Kalsima]

@Handsley pain does destroy you but don't let it. I feel terrible I'm not usually in excruciating pain like way too many people here are.  I have a spine and joint doctor down here and I want to know his majic potion that he gives me shots in my neck and back twice a week and they have a cocktail of four drugs I have every herniated disk but I feel blessed that I'm only in some pain waking up. It's magical stuff! I mean really magical stuff I have to be escorted out because I feel like I'm top of the world and have to talk to everyone in the waiting room. The staff has to ask my husband to remove me! Sounds  like you had a bad year and worse week but for your brother keep on going for him. You have a ton of support here I was worried when I hadn't seen you so please remember this is a special place not like others we are truly like family and now you're part of us. Please just check in time to time no matter what so I and others don't worry. You will see a rainbow at the end one day hang in there!

pS thanks for my son I'm leaving in two days to be with him. Taking longer than expected to leave!

 

[DaMerlyn]

I admit, well, I am blushing Heavenlee!

I admit I am relieved all went well with the surgery

I admit very happy to see Handsley is doing good also.

I admit, I think many of us benefit from coming on these forums, taking to others like ourselves.

I admit thank you all who run this place, your work is awesomes, to a who haunt this place, fellow sufferes on the spaceship earth.

I admit, we all must remember, there are real live human beings on the other side of the glass!!!!!!

 

[DaMerlyn]

@ClinicalPharmacologistResearc,  I am so sorry to hear that about your dad.

My sympathy as well hon.

Please remember we've all been there, said things we wish we could take back. Those who have passed know we did not really mean it.

 

[2earls]

I admit that I live with a lot of guilt . Like @ClinicalPharmacologistResearc I was not a good person. I could not change the past, I could not take back my hurtful words or actions, so to honor those people who I loved - who I disappointed or broke their heart - I dedicate my life to trying to be the person that I always should have been.

I admit that I wish they knew me now. 

 

[Kalsima]

@2earls that was so beautiful everything makes me cry these days but believe me I know exactly how you feel. Getting taken to sober town literally I've done a lot of reflection on my life and found out I was a totally selfish dope fiend putting my own needs in front of others, including my child. I  I just didn't write it the way you did but that was absolutely beautiful and at least everyone around here and I'm sure the people in your life now know what an amazing person you are today! I do for sure!

 

[Awe Tru]

I admit I lost my 150k yr job , had to move wife and 2 kids in with inlaws and still spent my 15k irs refund on opiates and Benzos. And no one but the people.on this forum no it now. 

 

[PTFC]

I admit I lost my 150k yr job , had to move wife and 2 kids in with inlaws and still spent my 15k irs refund on opiates and Benzos. And no one but the people.on this forum no it now. 

I admit,that sounds like a trough, you'll reach the peaks again! 

 

[Cbeas]

Not easy to admit a lot of these things. What I find striking is the solidarity I find in a lot of these stories. People are quick to judge and put labels, but understanding why seems to be the key

 

[rocketman]

Not easy to admit a lot of these things. What I find striking is the solidarity I find in a lot of these stories. People are quick to judge and put labels, but understanding why seems to be the key

I've found this thread to be very reminiscent of (in some ways at least) 12-step meetings and group therapy.  I certainly am not suggesting that's what this is but, I think to your point @Cbeas, there is a palpable lack of judgment here that simply is nowhere else to be found on the forum.  And that is not a knock on any of the other areas of the forum, any topics in particular, or any DBG members; simply a recognition that, at least to some degree, we all search for solidarity with, and acceptance from, our fellows.  When I feel "heard" and truly part of a community that accepts me for who I am (the good and, more importantly, the bad), I have a chance to accept myself and have the confidence to do the right thing and care for others.  The more I feel understood as opposed to judged (regardless of whether someone is actually judging me), the happier I am.