Quitting Stims And Benzos. Where To Get That Motivation Thing?

[deperson]

I've been off my rocker for a bit now and doing grand slams like a pro baseball player. I also am physically addicted to b3nz0s. (yes, still, for those who've seen my old posts)

Cold turkeyed for a few days on the stimulants, but I gave in because my energy levels were that of a 90+ man. Getting out of bed was like deadlifting a small car, so I didn't. Just slept all weekend and yesterday. Too lazy and tired to even take my b3nz0s, can you believe that? Sleeping like a baby with not even a mg of the stuff. Then I woke up yesterday night in moderate-severe withdrawal and realized the gig was up. No build-up to that one. Just jittering in pain and confusion as soon as my ego reformed after all that crazy vivid sleep. I was certain it was my time for the seizure of the century for being so stupid, but I got it back under control.  So what's that do? Makes me just want to go back to sleep again. What a damned conundrum.

I'd even laugh if it weren't so real and serious. So here I am buzzing around again because I can't just sleep forever, well, I could, but without the intermittant wake-ups, you know. Work ethic back to maximum. Improvements all round except for the body, of course. I think I've reached a record low in weight. Just keep telling 'em I'm a bit ill, that's all.

It's a damn shame everything is so pointless. Nothing to live for. No great cause. No delusions to keep me playing the game. Fuck, no free will even.

But, it's so easy, right? Sleep and keep up with the benzos until I normalize. Then just fucking taper. It's simple.

So where are these motivizations or whatever supposed to be found? Anyone got any feelings on the subject? Anybody out there?

 

[2earls]

Hi Deperson

I don't have any great enlightenment, just a lot of experience. I've been on many different drugs, legal and illegal.

My motivation came from just being sick of it. Things always reach the stage where it's not fun anymore and I would become revolted with myself for continuing to do it.

I've found all the stimulants fairly easy to give up. Never have had a benzo addiction though and I hear that's a tough one. Maybe just try and stop the other shit first. I remember my best friend telling me I looked emaciated.

That got my attention!

 

[Phrenicz]

Hi Deperson

I don't have any great enlightenment, just a lot of experience. I've been on many different drugs, legal and illegal.

My motivation came from just being sick of it. Things always reach the stage where it's not fun anymore and I would become revolted with myself for continuing to do it.

I've found all the stimulants fairly easy to give up. Never have had a benzo addiction though and I hear that's a tough one. Maybe just try and stop the other shit first. I remember my best friend telling me I looked emaciated.

That got my attention!

Well, you could still do with a bit of 'filling out', as you still look slightly emaciated... Of course, I can only comment on your head : )...

 

[Phrenicz]

Hey Deperson...

Haven't heard from you in a while, I take it things aren't that good?..

Yes, like 2E says, I think we all have to reach that conclusion that a change needs to occur?... And if not soon, then something major will go wrong!... And the last thing you need is a fucking benz@ seizure!... So no matter what your sleep regime is, you need to keep that shit in your body!. For now at least?...

Like 2E says, maybe start eliminating the one you think would be easiest to eliminate first?...

Honestly, I know it seems grim now, and it seems like you've been feeling like this for a while?...

But, I guarantee you, that once you start to grab the situation by the bollocks and realise that the meds you take are not what define you, things will get a whole lot better!..

6 months ago, I was literally fucked, surviving on Benz@s, @piates, cigarettes & coffee... I was eating less and less all the time.. I literally looked like 2E's avatar! (No offence 2E, As skulls go, it's lovely /default_smile.png )... It was only when I thought, 'if I go on like this I'm gonna be fucked beyond repair', that I finally did something about it!...

Not saying, I'm jumping off the ceiling with vibrancy & vitality, but I'm getting there!... And it gets better with every tiny decrease in my drug intake...

But, no one can make the decision for you, it's got to be your mission... And you gotta be selfish?.. Fuck everyone else, just concentrate on yourself!...

I think me and thee have had this conversation before and if I recall, you once said life was a war, but a war that could be won!!...

So..... Fucking fight it at least, otherwise, you're just another loser... And as we all know, there are already far too many of them in the world!! And you don't sound like one of 'em?..

Stay frosty

~P~

 

[Phrenicz]

If I sounded harsh, I didn't mean to?... That was my motivational voice...

 

[Suzie]

If bezOs withdrawal is anything like opiate withdrawal then maybe sub utex would work for you.  You only take a tiny bit while in withdrawal and wait a half hour and if you still feel the w/d add a tiny bit more.  The idea is to take as small of a dose as possible to feel comfortable (1mg. or less) and it has a very long half life so you only need it once a day or at the most once every 12 hours.  After a couple of weeks or however long it takes to get the benzzzzo out of your system you start tapering down by 25% evrery 4 days.  This system has worked for countless people but again for opiates.  Hang in there Deperson.

 

[Revenger]

"It's a damn shame everything is so pointless. Nothing to live for. No great cause. No delusions to keep me playing the game. Fuck, no free will even."

I could've written this - it's exactly how I feel. I assume you have a family who love you like i do, but why why WHY isn't it enough? I've just got the school to agree to letting my eldest come home for the afternoons with the idea being that if I coach him he will pass his 11+ and get into a grammar school. But at the moment i just feel like I'll let him down without the motivation I get from 0p3s.

Just a few weeks ago I reset my tolerance almost totally, ran out and thought I was sorted. Wouldn't make the same mistake again but here I am doing the exact sane thing! Eat my script at around fifty a day, then clam I've lost it and get another one and place an online order for the same thing. No I don't actually feel like I do have a choice any more. Cop out, I know. But there's clearly something wrong with my thinking as I just keep taking them!! And I've added b3nZ0s and modafinil.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers, but I guess like phrenicZ says you've got to get sick of it. But what if we don't ? Ever? Or what if I lose everything before I do ?

PhrenicZ - how did you do it? I mean, I know about your taper, but what went through your head? Apart from your looks /default_smile.png

It's great to hear it gets better. It's the paws thats killing me. The cravings. OR maybe this is just what life was always like ??

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[Phrenicz]

I started out like everyone else I suppose?.. Just found that certain substances allowed me to function better?.... Well, not better, just function normally...

However, moderation is key... At first I was under the impression that if one pill can make me feel better, then the more I take, the better I will feel!.. Seemed like quite simple maths at the time!...

What I didn't do, was realise the myriad of different factors that would arise, from every new substance I found..

Before I knew it, I was simultaneously withdrawing from all kinds of different things, each staggered according to their particular half-lifes...

It's amazing how fast you can get yourself into real trouble when mixing lots of strong @piates and high mg benz@'s!.. Of course, when I started on my self medicating journey, I researched all the various pills I was throwing into my body, but nothing quite prepares you for the 'real life' effects..

I had quickly forgotten the most fundamental reason why I was taking these pills in the first place, the ability to 'function'...

I'd gone well past the 'functioning phase' and was well & truly in the 'getting wrecked' phase.. In fact, I had gone well into the 'getting absolutely fucked off my face' phase... I was suddenly using, purely to forget the world, wipe my memories, to take any feelings, thoughts, even senses away!!..

It was then when I realised something had to be done.. Because although I enjoyed being constantly fucked, it's inevitably unsustainable?... Eventually your entire world will collapse around you and you will end up sitting in your own piss and shit on a street corner somewhere, begging for change... That is a fact!!...

The thought of that consequence alone, put the fear of god in me... So, I decided to (excuse the cliche), make a change...

That was about 4 years ago... It seems like a lifetime ago...

We have had a few discussions regarding this Revenger and I have to admit, I do worry for you : (... You seem to be well and truly in the 'getting wrecked' phase?... This is why I warned you about walking into the Benz@ world?.. As the last thing you needed, while already on a 40 DHC pills per day habit, was the added mother fucker of all addictions: Benz@'s!!..

I'm not trying to scare you, just trying to point out a few things that I wish someone had pointed out to me 4 years ago...

Much love

~P~

 

[2earls]

Hmm after reading your 2 posts P and R, it got me thinking.

I have to say, I love my opiates. Yes, I do have a legitimate condition that I need them for but let's admit, they make you feel damn good!

So why am I not on the street corner in my own excrement?

I believe that the pressure people put upon themselves about using can be very detrimental. I take them, I like them, and I'm OK with that. I do occasional tapers to reset my tolerance and then let it go up again. I'm OK with that too.

If I were wracked with self-loathing about it, I can see how I might want to just "give up" and take so much that I don't feel anything.

Dear Revenger, don't be your own worst enemy. Maybe you could just reset your goals for the time being. If you could make your precription last with maybe 1 monthly order for a safety net then you wouldn't have much to worry about.

I always think, celebrate any small victories. Don't dwell on the failures, that's over with.

You can gain control of the situation as long as you find something to be positive about. Taking a lot of pills doesn't make you a bad person, so please don't hate yourself for it.

You can have your cake and eat it too, all it takes is a little bit of discipline.

Best regards

2E

 

[deperson]

I'm on my 4th maybe 5th day awake right now. It's hard to type with all these hallucinations, but what can you do?

Almost bit the bullet for good before this binge. Took my usual benzo cocktails with a little extra since I was doing m3th as well, some cheap high ABV beer, and something I'm not so used to: h3r10n (zero op3 tolerance). Just started doing bumps along with my other poison and damn I wonder how you op3 guys deal with that itch. The crystal made it all that much more difficult to resist the itch. At some point after eating a few caps of benadryl for that DAMNED itch, I got a bit too relaxed and was just basically drinking and doing bumps of H until I just wanted to lay down and sleep. As I'm letting myself drift, I realized I just fucked up. My body was breathing so shallow that it was like not breathing at all and I'd wake up as soon as I'd wink out because I wasn't breathing deep enough unless I manually did so myself. 

Truly was a strange time to be laying there. Was this how I was going to die? Well, it just wasn't possible in hindsight, perhaps those hits of ice were still exerting some influence. I just couldn't sleep without immediately waking up for air and I'd manually breath because that suffocating feeling and panic... eventually you give in and breath. There's something animalistic that takes over and will override all reason to get more air. Like flinching or a reflex, I had to give in.

Eventually, I got myself into an elevated position and managed to get another hit in which helped immensely.

Despite the tribulations, I was still overcome with euphoria and everything seemed within my grasp. All I had to do was wait for this to all wear off and I could begin fresh. That's drugs for you! Maybe two days passed before I started this binge less the alc and h3r. So, so fickle are these artificial states. I think I'll pass on the 0p3s from now on. Great euphoria and synergy, but it offers too much escapism. I suppose you could dream away your entire life on it. At least with sp33d or m3t, you're up doing stuff.

Even a nice big warm hug with death and I'm still completely unchanged. It's just an event that happened, that's all. Like a car accident: you could've died, but you didn't so you continue doing the same old bullshit like it never happened.

 

[TealGreen]

Wow Deperson, that scared me just reading your experience. I hope you're okay...

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[True_Love]

This makes me sad!

Wishing you all the best!!

=(

 

[Roger]

I'm on my 4th maybe 5th day awake right now. It's hard to type with all these hallucinations, but what can you do?

Almost bit the bullet for good before this binge. Took my usual benzo cocktails with a little extra since I was doing m3th as well, some cheap high ABV beer, and something I'm not so used to: h3r10n (zero op3 tolerance). Just started doing bumps along with my other poison and damn I wonder how you op3 guys deal with that itch. The crystal made it all that much more difficult to resist the itch. At some point after eating a few caps of benadryl for that DAMNED itch, I got a bit too relaxed and was just basically drinking and doing bumps of H until I just wanted to lay down and sleep. As I'm letting myself drift, I realized I just fucked up. My body was breathing so shallow that it was like not breathing at all and I'd wake up as soon as I'd wink out because I wasn't breathing deep enough unless I manually did so myself.

Truly was a strange time to be laying there. Was this how I was going to die? Well, it just wasn't possible in hindsight, perhaps those hits of ice were still exerting some influence. I just couldn't sleep without immediately waking up for air and I'd manually breath because that suffocating feeling and panic... eventually you give in and breath. There's something animalistic that takes over and will override all reason to get more air. Like flinching or a reflex, I had to give in.

Eventually, I got myself into an elevated position and managed to get another hit in which helped immensely.

Despite the tribulations, I was still overcome with euphoria and everything seemed within my grasp. All I had to do was wait for this to all wear off and I could begin fresh. That's drugs for you! Maybe two days passed before I started this binge less the alc and h3r. So, so fickle are these artificial states. I think I'll pass on the 0p3s from now on. Great euphoria and synergy, but it offers too much escapism. I suppose you could dream away your entire life on it. At least with sp33d or m3t, you're up doing stuff.

Even a nice big warm hug with death and I'm still completely unchanged. It's just an event that happened, that's all. Like a car accident: you could've died, but you didn't so you continue doing the same old bullshit like it never happened.

I really hope you will get some help with this. It's so tough to quit on your own... I know bc I tried many times! You know intellectually you need to pump the brakes but it is just so hard doing it alone! Everyone and I mean every single person on this planet needs help at some point in their lives. Even if you've sought help before... Pls reach out to someone.

Where do you get motivation? One way is being around others that are also trying to find it too.

I know the system isn't perfect but pls don't let that be an excuse that keeps you from living!

Also pls keep posting so we will know how you are doing.

 

[TealGreen]

Roger, your posts are so well thought out and helpful. I really value your posts.

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[2earls]

Roger, your posts are so well thought out and helpful. I really value your posts. <3Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I agree, Roger, you are so eloquent. You should be a writer!

 

[deperson]

Well, I'm so damn bored that I feel in the b3nz0 tapering spirit. Even did some m3t today which is now wearing off, but even that wasn't really that fun. 

Looks like my brain/body needs a little reminder on how to be more appreciative. I suppose I'll take a huge first step since the lack of stimulants will ensure my sleep for a few days or maybe more.

Just got to get a decent streak started and it'll get easier to extend it. I was doing pretty good for a while the last time I tried tapering, but then I had a rather large slip that left me rolling down the mountain ever since.

Here's hoping this ain't just the somber m3t crash talking and I follow through.

 

[Roger]

I'm so glad you came back to give us an update. It sounds like you are making progress!

I think boredom was a huge issue for me when I stopped pills. I was so used to the initial rush and then energy that it DID take a while for my body and brain to acclimate. Here is the thing though... It will acclimate. It takes time though.

Here are a couple of things that helped me. If I had zero motivation I tried to break my day down to doing just one thing. I made myself do one simple thing. Fold the laundry for example. I told myself that's all I have to do. Then, once I had finished that one simple thing I did one more. Put one stack away. And so on. Finishing one simple task helped me stay focused and alleviated some of the boredom. It also helped me feel a little productive.

I got outside. I'm sure you know this but it is so hard to put into practice when you feel like crap. But try to make yourself go on a walk. Just down your block once. Then later in the day walk down the block again. Again, one thing.

Remember that time is going to pass whether you use or not. You can be free of this six months from now or still struggling. This was just something I tried to remember when I felt like nothing but a pill was going to help. I could take it... but tomorrow morning was going to arrive whether I did or not.

Finally, after some research into herbal alternatives, I found kratom. It has helped tons of addicts get off and stay off lots of different substances. There is a thread here you can read about and ask questions if you think it might help you. I found it wonderful for post benzo PAWS.

I was on a huge amount of benzos for several years. I know how hard this this is and honestly I thought I would be on them the rest of my life. I'm SO glad I took enough time and gave it some patience to get off of them. We want everything to be instant gratification because hey... That's what we are used to. Use and 20 mins later we felt normal. You are in this for the long haul and it takes time. Time will pass using or not using. So don't use.

I know you've probably heard all of this before but it does help to hear from someone who has been there.

Hang in there and keep posting. Life is better on the other side.

 

[Suzie]

deperson... fight those damn demons... it is fighting the good fight.

 

[Bloom]

I'm so glad you came back to give us an update. It sounds like you are making progress!

I think boredom was a huge issue for me when I stopped pills. I was so used to the initial rush and then energy that it DID take a while for my body and brain to acclimate. Here is the thing though... It will acclimate. It takes time though.

Here are a couple of things that helped me. If I had zero motivation I tried to break my day down to doing just one thing. I made myself do one simple thing. Fold the laundry for example. I told myself that's all I have to do. Then, once I had finished that one simple thing I did one more. Put one stack away. And so on. Finishing one simple task helped me stay focused and alleviated some of the boredom. It also helped me feel a little productive.

I got outside. I'm sure you know this but it is so hard to put into practice when you feel like crap. But try to make yourself go on a walk. Just down your block once. Then later in the day walk down the block again. Again, one thing.

Remember that time is going to pass whether you use or not. You can be free of this six months from now or still struggling. This was just something I tried to remember when I felt like nothing but a pill was going to help. I could take it... but tomorrow morning was going to arrive whether I did or not.

Finally, after some research into herbal alternatives, I found kratom. It has helped tons of addicts get off and stay off lots of different substances. There is a thread here you can read about and ask questions if you think it might help you. I found it wonderful for post benzo PAWS.

I was on a huge amount of benzos for several years. I know how hard this this is and honestly I thought I would be on them the rest of my life. I'm SO glad I took enough time and gave it some patience to get off of them. We want everything to be instant gratification because hey... That's what we are used to. Use and 20 mins later we felt normal. You are in this for the long haul and it takes time. Time will pass using or not using. So don't use.

I know you've probably heard all of this before but it does help to hear from someone who has been there.

Hang in there and keep posting. Life is better on the other side.

Roger,

This is a very kind, well thought (and written) post with a lot of good advice. I completely agree about low energy as your body/brain connection transitions to eliminating its desire for chemicals. Sadly our brains are programmed quickly to crave but very slow to reprogram - which makes recovery so difficult.

Your approach to doing one task daily is important for anyone who thinks laying in a fetal position in their bed all day is a better alternative! I'm not joking! A load of laundry (and yes, that means folding it), going to the grocery store, paying bills - keeping the daily chores going but in small batches...it does make you feel productive. And there is something to be said for getting fresh air. I don't what it is, but whenever I'm outside - even if it's to check the mail or pull a few weeds - I feel revitalized. I truly believe there is a strong connection between the human spirit and nature.

Anyway! Well said and good advice for anyone looking to moderate their usage.

Bloom