Finally admitted I have a problem

[Kalsima]

@Solid Snoop I'm wishing you the best, and please don't be ashamed of your benzo habit, I take them like candy and always say I'm working on that next now that I'm off heroin and cocaine going on the 5 TH month now but I always find or have a reason not to. I admire and envy you being honest and getting help. I swear doing every drug out there we all know benzos are the hardest to come off. And you're doing it slowly but surely. I'm really proud of you and you give me encouragement to come down, right now isn't good for me but hopefully I'll find the honesty in myself to go and talk to a professional to get off mine when I get back to Denver! Thanks for sharing I'm sure it was difficult but it's a relief to get off your back and know you have a ton of people on this board who care about you. Best wishes!

 

[FlyingSquirrel]

Some really good advice here.  Cheers to everyone trying to cut, wean, get off from benzo's.  I was prescribed these from my Dr. for sleep problems for almost 12 years.  Long story short, my house burned down and at the hospital for smoke inhalation, I asked for a stronger dosage of pain meds and my neighbor who had come to support me reported to the doc that I had a problem with PM's.  They threw me in the pysch lock up and the next thing I know I am in court mandated rehab.  They did not wean me off the atiVa*s and I started to hallucinate every night.  Hearing and seeing people in my room - scary shit!!  They did put me on trazadone for sleep and that has been a god send.  Works really well along with the muscle relaxer tizanidine - a good sedating one that I only take at night.  If anyone needs a good muscle R, I highly recommend it.  I can only take it at night because it really zonks me out.  Plus, it helps to prevent my serious muscle spasms that cause my migraines.  Been having one of those for over a week.  Damn, I sure do wish I could moderate my intake of the opie's that help with those, but I just struggle SO hard to keep my hands off that bottle.  The main reason that I luv those things is that they give me the most energy.  I could clean the bathroom with a toothbrush!  I have struggled with these things for over 10 yrs. - ever since I found em while in treatment for almost stage 4 cancer.  Been cancer free for 10 years, but not free from wanting the damn things... I believe that if I could get a few months off and go to the rooms, I could have a fighting chance.

I managed to make it to a meeting last night.  I thought I was going to a chemically dependent one, but turned out to be aa.  I really needed to talk to someone.  Met a few nice people. If I would make a better commitment to myself, I would go more often.  I really like the people I met at one of the groups.  I just have to make myself get in the car and drive there.  It is not rocket science, you just have to make it a priority... sorry I am rambling.  I have alot of respect for folks who try to help themselves.  Everyone in this thread is very brave!  

Thanks for letting me get some shit off my chest.  FS

 

[Dumbass#1]

Some really good advice here.  Cheers to everyone trying to cut, wean, get off from benzo's.  I was prescribed these from my Dr. for sleep problems for almost 12 years.  Long story short, my house burned down and at the hospital for smoke inhalation, I asked for a stronger dosage of pain meds and my neighbor who had come to support me reported to the doc that I had a problem with PM's.  They threw me in the pysch lock up and the next thing I know I am in court mandated rehab.  They did not wean me off the atiVa*s and I started to hallucinate every night.  Hearing and seeing people in my room - scary shit!!  They did put me on trazadone for sleep and that has been a god send.  Works really well along with the muscle relaxer tizanidine - a good sedating one that I only take at night.  If anyone needs a good muscle R, I highly recommend it.  I can only take it at night because it really zonks me out.  Plus, it helps to prevent my serious muscle spasms that cause my migraines.  Been having one of those for over a week.  Damn, I sure do wish I could moderate my intake of the opie's that help with those, but I just struggle SO hard to keep my hands off that bottle.  The main reason that I luv those things is that they give me the most energy.  I could clean the bathroom with a toothbrush!  I have struggled with these things for over 10 yrs. - ever since I found em while in treatment for almost stage 4 cancer.  Been cancer free for 10 years, but not free from wanting the damn things... I believe that if I could get a few months off and go to the rooms, I could have a fighting chance.

I managed to make it to a meeting last night.  I thought I was going to a chemically dependent one, but turned out to be aa.  I really needed to talk to someone.  Met a few nice people. If I would make a better commitment to myself, I would go more often.  I really like the people I met at one of the groups.  I just have to make myself get in the car and drive there.  It is not rocket science, you just have to make it a priority... sorry I am rambling.  I have alot of respect for folks who try to help themselves.  Everyone in this thread is very brave!  

Thanks for letting me get some shit off my chest.  FS

Bless your heart FS!!  That is quite a story!!  I'm pulling and praying for you.  I don't know what I'd do without NA. I'm struggling a bit myself - being on and off meds and during my times I'm trying to stay clean there's just no way in hell I could do it without  a support network. I have figured out over the years I'm powerless - I'm not God - and I need help from from a fellowship of  people who are sick like me. Even when I go back out and relapse - then go back to the group in tears - I'm always welcomed with open arms and lots of hugs. I wish you the best my friend!!

 

[FlyingSquirrel]

Bless your heart FS!!  That is quite a story!!  I'm pulling and praying for you.  I don't know what I'd do without NA. I'm struggling a bit myself - being on and off meds and during my times I'm trying to stay clean there's just no way in hell I could do it without  a support network. I have figured out over the years I'm powerless - I'm not God - and I need help from from a fellowship of  people who are sick like me. Even when I go back out and relapse - then go back to the group in tears - I'm always welcomed with open arms and lots of hugs. I wish you the best my friend!!

Well Bless your heart right back @Pooner2013  I so wish right now that we could go sit on the porch, light up a couple of Marlboro's and talk our asses off.  I have been really wanting to talk lately.  I swear I don't know what is wrong with me, I just have this need to purge my soul.  Boy, do I have some stories to tell.  I don't know if folks have read "Running with Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs - but it is a classic novel about fucked up families.  My Mom was like Judy Garland, drawers and drawers full of barbiturates and other drugs from the 70's.  She had migraine headaches and we lived in a small town and the Dr. up the street would come over and give her a "shot".  At the time, nobody really understood morphin*'s addictive quality.  She got hooked and probably had some serious mental health issues.  Fast forward to 1981 - I was 20 and she was dead - gun to head dead.  I got used to numbing the family pain with the usual booze, pot, etc.  My older brother drank himself to death 2 Christmas' Eves ago.  I Know Addiction.  I feel like I am married to the son of a bitch.... I stopped all the shit until I got cancer and then I found ox's.  Needed them for a while, but could not put them back in their place.  I've done many things many times that would lock me up for a good long time.   Ok, enough for now.  I really hope some folks can relate and feel better about their own trials and tribulations.  Life is a real shit show sometimes.  

FS

 

[2earls]

@FlyingSquirrel I am not about to let you and @Pooner2013 sit on any porches and swap stories unless I can join you. I want to route you on too. Can tell from your story that we could relate on many levels.

I have never tried a group for myself directly, but went to a meeting when I was in my 20s and in a relationship with an alcoholic. What an eye opener! Just listening to other people telling "my" story was the best thing ever. Took their advise to heart and was out of that mess within a couple months. Some of those stories are hilarious now, but were not so damn funny at the time.

So I think it's great you ladies are smart enough to go get the support you need and it's too bad this country is so damn big that we can't have our own group. 

 

[Kalsima]

@Pooner2013 you hit the nail right on the head when you say you are powerless over your addiction only then was I and many like us to get help! I won't fight on here about AA NA through a church or doctor I've seen them all work but I have seen members of meetings with 17 years quit going to their support meetings only to relapse. I too was the person sitting in the parking lot or the last to arrive to a meeting and first  to leave. All of us woman like @2earls said can hopefully help each other out and encourage each other. In not anti male I just believe women have special issues that need to be addressed sometimes in the company of other women. I'm praying for all it can be done I promise you. Five months ago I was trying to kill myself and now everyday I'm filled with happiness and gratitude! I am praying for you all! Much love to all and best wishes.

 

[FlyingSquirrel]

@FlyingSquirrel I am not about to let you and @Pooner2013 sit on any porches and swap stories unless I can join you. I want to route you on too. Can tell from your story that we could relate on many levels.

Ok, @2earls let's me and you & @Pooner2013 meet tonight on the front porch.  We can have ourselves an old fashioned gabfest.  And hey, anyone else can join in, just be ready to throw down some wild stories.

 

[Dr-Octagon]

Bless your heart FS!!  That is quite a story!!  I'm pulling and praying for you.  I don't know what I'd do without NA. I'm struggling a bit myself - being on and off meds and during my times I'm trying to stay clean there's just no way in hell I could do it without  a support network. I have figured out over the years I'm powerless - I'm not God - and I need help from from a fellowship of  people who are sick like me. Even when I go back out and relapse - then go back to the group in tears - I'm always welcomed with open arms and lots of hugs. I wish you the best my friend!!

"The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel" ?

 

[US Army Veteran]

Well the time has come where I have came to terms I have a major issue.

On a daily basis I take 800mg+ trams, 12 mg xannies, 8mg clonaz, 8mg Loraz and if I'm in a bad mood about 100mg of Diaz. 

I came clean to both my partner and doctor about the issues thinking I would get a taper plan but I have been sent to an outpatient  addiction "hub" where I'll soon be seeing the doctor for the best way forward.

You may ask why I take so much or how I'm even alive. The answer is I don't know hence why I'm seeking help.

I don't get any medicinal help from benzos or a high, I use them to try and block out the emotional pain I have been going through for about a year. It works to a degree but its also ruining my life.

After seeing the doc on Monday I've managed to drop the loraz completely, drop the clonaz to 4mg, tramadol I'm trying to CT, Diaz to 50mg and xannies where needed (about 4mg a day).

Coming off the high doses has had no ill effects so far but time will tell. My back is killing with no trams and a bit sweaty but that's it. It does usually get worse up until day 7 for me though.

I see the rehab doc on Monday so I'll keep anyone that's interested updated.

If I have any major episodes I'll keep you posted 

Thanks for reading.

Snoop

Holy crap that's a lot of drugs in one day but congrats! Admiting you have a problem is the first step. 

 

[rockytop]

FS and Army vet and all the regulars that post on these threads in addition and recovery.  You are all in my prayers every night.  I have my own demons.  Sometimes under control, sometimes they control me.  Addiction is a lifelong battle and i had to accept that.  When i relapse I take an old friend's advice:   Go one minute at a time, then an hour at a time, then a day.....and soon you realize that YOU have control, not the substance.  That is AWESOME willpower.  If you can do that, you can do any damn thing you want to for the rest of your life!   Now if i could just frigin' listen to my old friend's advice and heed his wisdom and top frigin' relapsing.  Otherwise, what i've said here is complete BS. 

 

[Def_Starr]

@Solid Snoop hang in there! 

 

[Def_Starr]

hows everyones liver enzymes from Coke abuse? and how many grams (Weekly/month/) , im freaking out i got a blood test coming up, and ekg i derailed this year and was 8months doing c, and than 4months off ,got a physical next week(blood work) 

also i take milk thistle daily, nac, kidneysupplement, drink tons of juices ,water and cardio? aaah its my fault il deal wit i guess 

 

[Handsley]

Now on a journey again into sobriety.  Starting with all the painkillers and will detox off the benzos after that.

@Def_Starr I am thinking that if you are young, your liver will be fine.  In my understanding, coke's not too bad on the liver, mostly the alcohol and the acetominophen.  Last time I detoxed, I was up to about 20  10 mg vicodins a day, had my liver checked and all was fine, although I was right on the border.  At that time the acetominophen was 500 mg per pill so that was quite a bit.   I was 40ish then.    Is it a matter of genuine concern for your health or is it a work issue and if they find anything, you can't work?    In that case, you are doing the right thing, lots of water and detox.    If it's your health you are worried about, then get the test and see.  Knowledge is power.  And I did a LOT of coke in my 20s, got heart problems when I was 35 and still have awful sinus problems.  I believe it all stems from that.  You don't need that shit when you're older.   I think of all the drugs I've done, that one has had the most long-lasting effects.  

 

[Def_Starr]

i failed, i own the mistake, no excuses, ! i failed myself i got back on track working out from that 2weekends ago i fked up and 2 bumps friday, i gotta use better judgement , no excuses! 

 

[Handsley]

@Def_Starr, no judgment from me.  The harder you are on yourself, the worse it will be.   Just start over fresh.

 

[Def_Starr]

i did a few times over, this time is for real, CARDIO/GYM  AND SLEEP/ REST and keep busy so far so good , oh and lots of redbulls at work, and telling myself not to quit work whe i really do ! so tired, but jobs are hard to get :/  lol 

thanks for the support

 

[Handsley]

yeah, sugar free white Monsters for me mixed with the kratom.   Yucch, but it works for me.  Wishing you the best.

 

[Def_Starr]

holidays are the worst triggers for me to want to do it which i wont lie i relapsed a few times but not serious to cry about it, its my own fault, but slowly i am getting it together...i am shocked how i let myself go in 2017 

 

[Kalsima]

Hey @Def_Starr it's so easy to get right back in just one pain pill if I'm not careful can turn into months of agonizing hell for me. Yes the holidays are stressful but att least you are aware of your triggers. I hate saying that word. I apologize in advance I know AA and NA has helped so many people but I was not one. The first AA meeting I went to the coffeee bar guy was selling fentanyl patches behind the counter then I tried it again in rehab we would walk from the hospital to a huge AA mansion open all the time and I was coming off methadone and some guy offers e an orange morphine! Anyways they throw triggers around so I hate the word. At least you are aware of what sets you off and I'm close to you now if you want to have coffee or just want to talk. If I could get through all my stress this year, my son coming out, he dresses in my clothes a marriage that's in a funk, and so many other things I could write a book. You can go through it too. I was the crackhead heroin addict for my street now I'm just any normal well I wouldn't say normal but I'm a better person for what I went through hell my own family admitted to me they never saw me getting clean. They can live with the benzos but they really want me totally clean, that's not going to happen especially during Christmas time. I know you mr cool guy you can do this because if I could do it I know you can too. Pm every anytime I'm just a shout away from you now. Lots of love and hang in there it will get better I promise!

 

[Def_Starr]

Thanks Heavenlee , yah holidays and the pleasures that come with it, i dont know why strupid movies and documentaries trigger me to get C, but i dont have a prob with opiates because they make me barf, but i like codiene syrup with mountain dew is the closest i get to opiates , i def like my xanax so def not quiting that. I noticed with C, i slacked off allot missed work outs and surf sessions, layed around the house on the weekends drinking detox tea's thinking its gonna help

I been working so many hours since this stupid hurricane hit florida, is another reason i got back on the C wagon, i got clean in June 2017 until September no C , working out everyday, going to the beach on the weekends, HURRICANE HITS boom mandatory overtime, social life gone, so i fell back to C :/ but i know its my mistake i just feel good sharing it with others so everyone here learns dont start something you cant control.

I think i got it under control i can go a month without and than it takes one stupid trigger, i cant believe how i spent the whole 2017 doing C, i never messed with it before and i am in my 30's never fked with in in my 20's just 2017 , wtf went wrong to get me on the C wagon , i dont know maybe cause my local weed dude had it and i was like sure and it started from there lol oh well ,learn my failure  

i thank everyone's Support

2018 is going to be a better year , i think