Here's a small update before I write the overview of the past few days.
First off, I'd like to make something very clear. I get serious panic attacks daily, that won't stop no matter what so I have to use Xan to stop it at it's source to function normally. Without some sort of treatment I'm very prone to becoming somewhat insane. I am however on a much lower dose now which is fantastic news (KP and Xan). My body seems to be tolerating the new doses quite well but the withdrawals are still there.
Strangely enough, I don't feel as bad as I have been in the past three to four days. I actually feel better today which is great. I still can't sleep for more than 2-4 hours a day but I was able to sleep for 4 hours 45 minutes today which was progress none the less. Longest I've slept since the detox. It seems I do indeed need to be on some sort of substance to control my anxiety disorder due to how serious it actually is. This however does not mean I need to be on a huge amount of benzos to resolve my issues, I'm pleased to say I'm on a very low amount and my body is handling it better than before.
I believe the worst part is over or my body is getting used to the heavier symptoms and it's not bothering me much at all as far as I'm concerned today. If it still feels this way in the next 24-48 hours I may of done what seemed to be impossible for me. If this is true, I could technically get off these completely but that wouldn't be wise without some sort of medical advice or supervision during the process. This was done without medical professionals advice or supervision which I DO NOT advise anyone to do under any circumstance.
I put my life at risk doing this without a medical professionals assistance or consulting with them first, never do what I did. However if you're stuck on benzos like I was and I managed to do what seems to be impossible anyone can do it, you just need to set your mind to it and go through with it all the way. I couldn't of done this without DBG and my supporters. There's still symptoms but hopefully as I stated before they won't be as bad anymore.
I do still crave higher doses but I will never take such a high dose even if a doctor prescribes such a thing to me. I've gotten to a very safer place and I feel more natural. I've never felt like this in my entire life and it truly makes me want too cry in a good way. Hopefully there's a better alternative to treat this disorder without benzos and I can fully get off of them under medical supervision for good, in the meantime the low doses I thought were near impossible to use to treat my disorder-- it's a matter of balancing it out properly. Gladly I was able to achive this and I will refuse to go back to that old lifestyle of being on heavy amounts of benzos each day.
Bare in mind, it's too risky (can result in death) if I go completely off them so I will consult with my healthcare professional regarding such matters. Until then, rest assure you all have helped me lower my dose to have a better lifestyle that I never thought I could ever have. I am forever in your debts to all that supported me through my pain and suffering through the detox process.
I will keep everyone updated that has supported me and future supporters aswell regarding fully getting off them seeing I've made it this far, I can go further but I need to make sure I'm fully safe while I do this. I can't put my life at risk again. I hope you all understand why I have to approach it this way, rest assure the battle will be fully over once I'm off the medications completely.
With much love,
-VII
I need to get caught up and will do so in a few hours - I'm headed for a fitting so it'll be a bit
However I wanted to check in on you - update me if it's not repeating something you already said (I dont want to irritate)
LOVE AND STRENGTH
There's no way you can irritate me. You may ask me anything and I will provide you with any answers you request.
I did post a recent update right above this post with great news. All I need to do is see a healthcare professional to fully get off these for good now that I've reached one of the lowest doses that I need to be on that's much safer than before and easier to ween off of.
I'm still in horrific pain, but besides that I'm pleased to announce it was a success even though I'm still having slight withdrawals. It's been a few days since the last update and I must say every minute counts. Perhaps my body is adjusting to the withdrawals to handle it in a easier manner. None the less, I have stayed strong and will remain strong due to all of the supporters here at DBG.
I refuse to give in, I refuse to give up. I've made it this far and if I can do this I can make it through fully. It will take some time, but it will be worth it.
Thank you so much for being here for me in my time of need supporting me all the way. All the supporters like yourself are tthe only reason I kept going and never gave in to the temptations. They're still there, don't get me wrong but I'm managing it MUCH better than before.
I will continue to provide progress as time goes on, generally I post updates every few days seeing I'm quite busy however I will always make the time to post here even if nobody was actually reading it seeing it may help somebody one day. However is it strange or out of the ordinary that I feel this way after 2 weeks after being on these for ten years? Or is there more to come?
Anyway, my suggestion to you is to keep it simple, stay in the present moment and get out your gratitude list. There are a lot of ups and downs in the beginning stages of recovery. Just know you are not alone and you can pm me anytime. 
