No Communication

[Rizzo.]

I wish my boyfriend would talk to me about things that affect our life together.  Like holidays.  Easter.  But the second he suspects I've been taking pills or drinking, he shuts down.  He will say one quick really hurtful thing, and then either totally ignore me, leave the room or drive off in his truck.  I'm left standing there like "what? i'm willing to apologize, just let me, please listen!"  But no one's listening.

We've been having a rough week.  Holidays and my birthday are always hard because I don't have any family, so maybe I over-medicate, whatever, its how I cope.   I feel like my bf should expect me to be a little more fragile and respond with extra compassion.  I'd be satisfied with a fucking hug and an "I'm here for you".  It wouldn't take much to make me feel loved and wanted. It could be so simple.

Meanwhile, he has a huge family that he's pretty tight with.  Their opinions of me are not great bc A- I'm sure he talks shit and B- I'm not italian.  Holidays are always fucked up bc we go to his sisters house and I'm never told what to expect.  Sometimes theres 50 people there all dressed up fancy, including several little kids.  I prefer that bc I can blend in.  Yesterday, Easter,  there were only 10-ish people there,  all wearing sweats! And no kids, except my 3yo son.  I bought new dressy easter outfits, shoes, & haircuts for my son and me.   As usual, I look like the asshole.

It's not just that.  I feel like he hates me and like he thinks I hate him.  After 12 years together, we should be able to work this shit out.  I'm not ready to give up.  But he needs to participate in the relationship too!  How can I make things better when he refuses to talk about anything? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[Guest]

Hi.  Firstly, I would like to say that I am sorry you are having a hard time.  Could you schedule a time for the two of you to go out and have dinner and talk? maybe if you did that, you would have no other pressures to distract you and you could concentrate on having that much needed conversation. Good luck! xo 

 

[Rizzo.]

Thanks.  I will try.  It's just every time I try to voice my concerns, he gets very defensive as if its some sort of personal attack.  Then he tells me "it must be the pills talking" and basically shuts me down.  So frustrating because those are always his final words

I'll give it a few days to cool down and then try what you suggested.

 

[Guest]

Best of luck to you my sister! 

 

[Rizzo.]

Thanks girlfriend /default_smile.png

 

[headbanger]

Dr.  Headbanger  here. Try talking to him about something he's interested in to get the conversation started then slowly change the topic of conversation.

 

[STARBOYBLU]

@77 hi read my reply 2 @gg's post on "relationship advice needed" anything else lmk ok...goodluck #Italianstubbernmen and girl what r you do'n? after 12 yrs he should b ur husband. ~ starboy

 

[Rizzo.]

Ok, well things have gone from unbearable to absolutely fucked.  He smashed my iPhone & told me to move out.  Ok.  It makes it a little more difficult to call about apartments without a phone.  But I'm crafty, I'll find a way.   I am no fucking victim.

Thanks for the advice Dr H and sbb /default_smile.png

 

[Xegh]

Hey blackcat,

Hows it going?? I hope you got somewhere to stay give us an update to make sure everything is alright.

Thanks

Xegh

 

[Rizzo.]

Hey there /default_smile.png  Thanks for asking. I'm still staying here at our house, so at least theres that.  He's smashed my phone and somehow disabled my car so it won't start and now is telling me I can't drink.  I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic exactly but, you know, if I choose to have a couple beers, thats my goddamn choice.  I just now told him I was walking to the bar for an hour and he told me "the fuck you are".  I will stay home and try to keep the peace though, whatever there is left of it.

Mind you, he enjoyed some clam breakfast, initiated by me as a peace offering.  It didn't fix anything.

I'm pissed as hell but yea every things alright.  Thank you Xegh

E

 

[Xegh]

The clams are spreading in to all the threads!!

He damn well shouldn't of had a clam breakfast if he is treating you badly. If he is just concerned about you then fair enough. It is very hard for others to comment on peoples relationships because we just don't know enough especially over the internet so I can not offer any advice other than feel free to PM or msg on here if you want to talk to others about anything as that is sometimes the best thing to do ( sure you heard that a million times before ).


Cl Mod Xegh

 

[Rizzo.]

If he is just concerned about you then fair enough. 

Oh my god.  I didn't think of it that way.  Here I am, thinking he's just being a power-tripping dickhead who wants to prevent any fun had by me but maybe thats not it.  It really is fair enough for him to be concerned about me, given my extremely checkered past/present.  Wow.  Sometimes it takes the insight of a complete stranger to show you what should have been clear as day the whole time.  

Whether its true, I've yet to find out but you've definitely opened my mind a bit & released some anger I was storing.  Thank you for saying that.  It truly turned on a lightbulb and I'm not just bullshitting.  

 

[Rizzo.]

I'd like to nominate myself as Cl Mod 77 since I feel at least one of us should have one.  It's only fair.   /default_wink.png

Have the committee vote on it  /default_tongue.png

Have a great night, my friend.

E

 

[dave2002]

You got my vote, but a pic to just confirm whether it really is bearded or not will get ya everywhere lol....... /default_tongue.png

 

[Rizzo.]

You got my vote, but a pic to just confirm whether it really is bearded or not will get ya everywhere lol....... /default_tongue.png

I love u, u crazy perv!  /default_rolleyes.gif

 

[dave2002]

Gotta give a guy credit for tryin'!

 

[Xegh]

You got my vote, but a pic to just confirm whether it really is bearded or not will get ya everywhere lol....... /default_tongue.png

Dave unfortunately that is the reluctant job of the clam Mod so I am sorry blackcat you would have to send it to me to be correctly CATegorised.  

Remember what I said though blackcat we don't know your situation, but if it feels like a revelation then maybe there is some truth in it. I myself had a bit of a drinking problem some 6 years ago now but my girl friend at the time took a very had line with me and to be honest I am glad she did. She wouldn't let me drink at all and if she caught me she said it would be the end straight away.

This worried me enough to actually not drink a thing for about 6-7 months and since then I haven't had a single problem. At the time I thought she was a controlling bitch meddling with my life but she had compassionate intentions, we hate admitting we are wrong!!

Xegh

 

[Rizzo.]

If I continue to look at it as you're suggesting, I think we may be ok.  We went 'clam digging' again last night (sorry tmi?) which is something our relationship had been lacking.  Maybe that missing link was another one of our major problems.  He really enjoys clamming.

I will do my best to lighten up my drinking for awhile too.

Thanks again Xegh for the advice.  You da best!

 

[dave2002]

Clamming always does wonders for me too! Kinda gives you a whole new perspective on things. At least for a minute or two /default_biggrin.png