I Admit

  • Thread starter Thread starter DaMerlyn
  • Start date Start date
I admit that I like using to get high one occasion. But I also admit I don't wanna go down a bad path I went down over 5 years ago.

 
I have something else to admit.

i am completely powerless over Xanax and I don't know why. I don't remember shit more than half the time I chose to abuse it. It's insane. I don't abuse it too often anymore cause as stated in the post above I went down a bad path but gosh I have absolutely no control over bars what so ever.

i think I'm insane cause like I said when I do choose to abuse them to get a high I rarely remember anything so what's the point my DBG friends? Why am I powerless over a drug that I can't remember what happen????? Please I would appreciate any input!

 
I admit I'm on vacation and am letting myself go nuts on meds ( potentially.. haven't yet but have a stash waiting), bad food (I'm a control freak with diet and exercise normally)....and fun!  It's a short term break... I'll be going home to a brutal detox regimen. But I figure after working 60-70 hours weekly for the past year, I'm going to loosen the reigns and let myself have fun. I'll be  careful to stagger any extra b€nz0 use... but I still feel guilty! I'm such a classic addict! Excuses for using can be positive or negative. I truly hope I'm strong enough to get through this when I get home. I've cut way down on my subs and won't go back up ever... I worked too hard to get this low. I'm getting scared to death of those last 2 mgs.. but so far I've done well. Benzos are harder for me. Anyway! I'm at the ocean...with family and all of my favorite people! I'm going to do my best to let myself enjoy this vacation! 

Just wanted to check in! 

Be well everyone! 

PS- I pretty much steer clear of Xanax other than very occasional use. My last bad relapse was a month log mess I can barely recall...so much Xanax mixed with other Benzos. Klonopin at a pretty low dose takes care of my panic attacks (mixed with healthy living habits: food/exercise/meditation) and  I never go nuts like I did on Xanax. My family forced me to stop and it wasn't fun. It was a hellish rapid taper/detox. Hope you're ok. Have you tried a longer acting Benzo if you need them for anxiety?? 

I can relate @US Army Veteran

 
Jam1976 said:
I admit I'm on vacation and am letting myself go nuts on meds ( potentially.. haven't yet but have a stash waiting), bad food (I'm a control freak with diet and exercise normally)....and fun!  It's a short term break... I'll be going home to a brutal detox regimen. But I figure after working 60-70 hours weekly for the past year, I'm going to loosen the reigns and let myself have fun. I'll be  careful to stagger any extra b€nz0 use... but I still feel guilty! I'm such a classic addict! Excuses for using can be positive or negative. I truly hope I'm strong enough to get through this when I get home. I've cut way down on my subs and won't go back up ever... I worked too hard to get this low. I'm getting scared to death of those last 2 mgs.. but so far I've done well. Benzos are harder for me. Anyway! I'm at the ocean...with family and all of my favorite people! I'm going to do my best to let myself enjoy this vacation! 

Just wanted to check in! 

Be well everyone! 

PS- I pretty much steer clear of Xanax other than very occasional use. My last bad relapse was a month log mess I can barely recall...so much Xanax mixed with other Benzos. Klonopin at a pretty low dose takes care of my panic attacks (mixed with healthy living habits: food/exercise/meditation) and  I never go nuts like I did on Xanax. My family forced me to stop and it wasn't fun. It was a hellish rapid taper/detox. Hope you're ok. Have you tried a longer acting Benzo if you need them for anxiety?? 

I can relate @US Army Veteran
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I can control every benzo but bars. No more for me! At least I pray I refran

 
I admit I'm not as strong as people see me to be. I'm tired of fighting the symptoms of Marfans Syndrome. I'm tired of waking up with pain as my constant companion.

i admit that I no longer want to go without the help of pain meds. 

I admit I'm scared of pain involved with dying.  I admit I don't think our government should dictate what's right for my pain med maintenance. To me that's nothing different than a communist country. 

Most of all I admit I'm scared of not finding some help for ordering in this site. 

 
Welcome @Marfanswonder.  You'll find there's plenty of hep here, from the members and the moderators.  I'd suggest first making a small donation in bitcoin.  You'll find vendors who'll trade your P@yPal $ for BTC if necessary.  That'll open up new sections of the site that might be important.  Mostly, out of necessity, this is a help-yourself place when it comes to info.  But, if you don't mind doing some reading, all the information you need is here.  Be patient and explore.  Request menus from vendors that appear to have what you are seeking.  Then.....ask your informed questions if there are things that don't make sense, or PM (private message) someone.  Good luck!

 
Welcome @Marfanswonder!  I see that Andy has already given you some great advice to get you started.  

I understand that you are frustrated and discouraged, I relate to a lot of what you said in your post and I know a lot of people on here do.   I think that you will find a great deal of help & support here. I love this forum.

Hang in there friend! 

 
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I admit I want to cause bodily harm to my husband right now .

i admit I am selfish when I don't get what I want when I want it . I hate having no control of an outcome or relaying on others .

i admit I was soo fucking mad I didn't get perc tens my eyes crossed and I stomped . But I could have nothing and that would be so worse :)  

and last I admit I have started to take the timest bit of xan in the late eve so I don't kill my husband :)

 
I was wanting to kill my hubby the other day.

Must be the change in seasons!

Lol...two more days until my perks come..cant and don't wanna wait anymore!

 
@Akup7ich @Meowtown we must join a club because I have desires like you. He can be an awesome provider for my son and me, but I feel I'm always second place his weed is more important than I am. Not a good feeling at all!

 
Mine is amazing 9/10 times but his thing is financials. If he sees one charge on his statement he didn't remember making he freaks out

Even over $5

Its really annoying especially since we arent hurting for money 

 
I admit I love my little pills!  Their sheen, colors, pretty patterns they make when I toss them on my bed.  I admit they make me feel good, pain free.  I admit I hate them too.....the control they have over me.

 
mountaincat9 said:
I admit I love my little pills!  Their sheen, colors, pretty patterns they make when I toss them on my bed.  I admit they make me feel good, pain free.  I admit I hate them too.....the control they have over me.
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I can relate to every single word of your post.

I admit my life is once again dictated by prescription meds.... I'm in a much better place than I was 10 years ago but I fear I'll never be able to live a without my drugs,

 
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@SleepyMonkey 

Me too. My neighbor has come into my house taken money, medications. Sadly I need my medications. For example I take something called SubUtX. I get it from a place that treats people that are like they are bad people. I had a bunch taken from me yesterday I think while I was at my appointment. Now I am not good. I don't have anything. All of my medications that I had for times when there was a problem so I don't feel like this, all of the pAnEmedS. I am so tired and not good at all...on Christmas morning I am always happy but today I am falling apart unstable. I'm controlled by these things I love that they help but they can't when my neighbor wants to get high.

I am so tired.

 
ClinicalPharmacologistResearc said:
@SleepyMonkey 

Me too. My neighbor has come into my house taken money, medications. Sadly I need my medications. For example I take something called SubUtX. I get it from a place that treats people that are like they are bad people. I had a bunch taken from me yesterday I think while I was at my appointment. Now I am not good. I don't have anything. All of my medications that I had for times when there was a problem so I don't feel like this, all of the pAnEmedS. I am so tired and not good at all...on Christmas morning I am always happy but today I am falling apart unstable. I'm controlled by these things I love that they help but they can't when my neighbor wants to get high.

I am so tired.
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I'm on a taper of the med you speak of. Sorry to hear about your sketchy neighbors. I've got my meds well protected in a wall safe.

 
I admit that since my dad died 2 years ago,I have been using opiates to get by.

I admit I do have back and neck pain,but I take more pain meds if I feel some sad feelings come on.

 
I admit:

that my chronic pain has led to me doing things i feel bad about later, my mood disorder(bi polar) makes it hard sometimes to see if I am acting with a clear head, and I feel terrible about things that have happened while I was manic and under the influence.  I admit that I wish I could ask my sister for forgiveness but there is a part of me that feels like she is overreacting even though I don’t remember the events she is mad at me for.  I admit that I intend to marry my girlfriend and that I love her with all my heart but I wonder at times if she deserves better than I can provide.  I admit that my best is all I can do and that has to be good enough, even if at times I feel like its not.

I admit that I am tired of apologizing for being in pain, and that my fear of doctors is holding me back.  

 
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