Marriage is not what I'd hoped

[High Tide]

Sorry Maybe, but It's a long story about my PM not working. Contact Denise and ask for my email if you want. Point her to this post and she'll be able to see I give permission for her to share it. Glad to help any way I can. I wish you the best through these troubling times. You seem like a strong person, I'm sure you will end up doing just fine with your head held high and a smile on your face. I truly hope so anyway. /default_smile.png

 

[Denise]

Sorry you feel that way, vent all you need. As far as I'm concerned it's one of the great parts of about this site, you can usually find someone who understands through experience or is at least willing to offer a helping ear so to speak.  /default_wink.png

 It's one of the main reasons I see the young lady that I have referred to. She got married thinking his money would let her have the things she needed to be happy. Which was mainly a vehicle, and eventually money for a methadone clinic. She got her a decent ride, only she isn't allowed to use it unless he is with her. Now she's miserable AND married, which she thinks makes leaving harder than it really is. Sure, a divorce is necessary but marriage doesn't bind anyone to a life of slavery and misery. So vent all you want, I accept PM's if you feel the need. 

I may not know too much about most things but I do have experience in both being married and being miserable. 

HIGH TIDE!

Ck email when you can.    SO GOOD TO SEE YOU HERE.

You did everything you could to help that young lady.......she wasn't your responsibility,  you just have a caring heart.

The rest is up to her.  She has to make that resolve and fight like she's never fought before to keep her life on track , esp now with all the help she's received from you and others.

You're an angel!   A naughty angel sometimes....LOL    But definitely one of the good ones.  Not just anybody would've tried to help her.

 

[Maybesomeday]

Thanks all. I'm really just trying to take it one day at a time. My family keeps asking me what I'm going to do, but I'm just not ready to make a final decision.

I get the impression the hubs believes that he is going to move back in before the end if the year (it's sort of a convoluted story - he blew up his car at the track and has had to work his ass off to rebuild it. Probably good for him to have to work hard for something!) anyway, he's almost finished rebuilding. I think KK is right, we need to have date nights and see if we can make it work. Just moving right back in without seeing if we can even get along seems silly. But seeing as he hasn't filed for divorce either, I think this is his plan.

Or either I'm in for a rude awakening shortly.

 

[Denise]

All kidding aside, that's an incredible post 99. While I haven't been fortunate enough to run into 2nd wife material, truer words were never spoken. As I've told my children and others, the secret to marriage isn't that obscure. If you put the other person first, always, and they do the same, things work out well, in spite of challenges along the way. When one of both consistently put their own needs first, it invariably fails. Selfless service to those you love. Therein lies the key.

Treating the other person the way you want to be treated.  Be totally honest.  Work at the marriage everyday.......work to make it fun.  Be there for each other in this wicked world.

DON'T let any other people come between you - be it friend, relative or lover.

It's so wonderful when it works the way it was designed to work.  You get a best friend, lover, defender, supporter.......all the important things we need.

Mine is gone.  There will never be another. 

/default_sad.png

But thankful everyday I did have him and experience true love & bonding.

 

[Denise]

Im gonna stop all this serious talk before I ruin my rep

That would be very difficult for you to do.  You are respected and admired by many.

 

[kittykat]

Thanks all. I'm really just trying to take it one day at a time. My family keeps asking me what I'm going to do, but I'm just not ready to make a final decision.

I get the impression the hubs believes that he is going to move back in before the end if the year (it's sort of a convoluted story - he blew up his car at the track and has had to work his ass off to rebuild it. Probably good for him to have to work hard for something!) anyway, he's almost finished rebuilding. I think KK is right, we need to have date nights and see if we can make it work. Just moving right back in without seeing if we can even get along seems silly. But seeing as he hasn't filed for divorce either, I think this is his plan.

Or either I'm in for a rude awakening shortly.

Glad that I was able to give you something ...Good luck

 

[Denise]

Sorry Maybe, but It's a long story about my PM not working. Contact Denise and ask for my email if you want. Point her to this post and she'll be able to see I give permission for her to share it. Glad to help any way I can. I wish you the best through these troubling times. You seem like a strong person, I'm sure you will end up doing just fine with your head held high and a smile on your face. I truly hope so anyway. /default_smile.png

I have HIGH TIDE's email address for anyone who wants to communicate with him.

I want to thank H.T. for helping me through some rough times - emotional, physical w/d  -  When I decreased my meds, he was there to encourage me and praise me.

I will always be grateful for having found such a good friend, a friend who is there when I need him and ASKS to help, not one you have to ask for help.

THANKS HIGH TIDE!      /default_wink.png

 

[High Tide]

Hi all. I've been on my own since April. No plans to divorce, but I won't be surprised if we do. I don't feel miserable anymore, but I am still sad.

Just trying to focus on myself and my work and taking care of things. I didn't really get much financial support before, so it's not shocking to me that he hasn't offered me a dime.

It's the nights like tonight, when I can't sleep and it's so late that get to me. But it will pass.

HT - I tried to send you a PM, but it wouldn't let me.

99 - you're so right. If both ppl aren't putting in 100%, it's very difficult to stay afloat in a relationship. You're blessed to have found it.

I wasn't sure that info to contact Denise got posted, but I see it did. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, sometimes I miss a day or two and then have hundreds of notifications so a lot of times I just hit the top ten and try to catch the rest later. I miss a lot of posts to me that way, especially when they are mixed with other posts. If you need me don't hesitate to use the email Denise will provide you with. I'm always happy to help anyone I can with supportive emails and by sending you my best "waves of karma". Most of all when it comes to "damsels in distress". Not that I don't wish the guys the best too, and certainly not that I'm trying to pick up any ladies. IDK how some of my posts got misinterpreted that way but nothing could be further from the truth. I have all the local ladies I want right now, but can't have too many friends. Even anonymous ones. Which aside from a first name it's all anyone I know here has ever got as far as personal info, or anything else for that matter, from me. 

A first name and a BIG email HUG. /default_smile.png

I have HIGH TIDE's email address for anyone who wants to communicate with him.

I want to thank H.T. for helping me through some rough times - emotional, physical w/d  -  When I decreased my meds, he was there to encourage me and praise me.

I will always be grateful for having found such a good friend, a friend who is there when I need him and ASKS to help, not one you have to ask for help.

THANKS HIGH TIDE!      /default_wink.png

You are such a sweetheart.  /default_wub.png  It's always been a pleasure to help you, and anyone else here that I can for that matter. 

Here's a Big HUG for you too my friend. /default_smile.png

 

[Guest]

So....i have been married for a long time. My husband lost his eyesight 10 years ago. He has completely changed. He went from being independent and strong to needing me to do everything for him. Even things I know he can do himself. Since he is able to see some things, with visual aids and our large imac, he has started an innovative podcast and is becoming quite successful with it. I am very proud of him. Our sex life wasnt great but that is my fault because of my past. Before my husband and including my husband i have never had a healthy sexual relationship. My husband said it did not matter. I had never cheated or even thought about it.

One day, i meet this guy. I have never been attracted to anyone like i am attracted to this man. We become friendly and end up admitting that we are attracted to each other. Still just friends, one day he kisses me and we end up sleeping together. I was able to be with him in a way that i have NEVER been with a man. Maybe i am finally able to ignore past issues or maybe he is special. I fall in love with the guy quickly and he with me. Like not eating, daydreaming all of the time, having sex everywhere, staring at each other for hours, meeting him in the middle of the night, bla bla bla. So we start seeing each other whenever we can. He is married as well. This goes on for a month or so and the whole time i am thinking "this will burn out, no harm done" but it doesnt. AFTER ONLY A MONTH, he decides to divorce his wife, and i my husband. So i did the hardest thing i ever had to do and told my husband that i no longer want to be married to him. My boyfriend ended up getting caught before he had a chance to tell her. What a mess. Anyway, my husband cannot support himself and i own the house we live in, plus he IS my best friend (we were friends for many years before we got together) so we agree to be roommates and i will be very happy to pay his way whenever he can't. Disability isnt much. I love my husband with all of my heart and he makes a great roomie. I HAD to do the right thing though and stop disrespecting him by cheating on him, he does not deserve that. Now, a couple months later, I am still with the sexy boyfriend and head over heels,a s is he. We are planning a future together. I have met and done stuff with his teenaged kids (he has five) and met his family. His wife, which he has a three year old with, is moving out of the house (he owned his house before marrying her) this Saturday. I will be spending the night Saturday night. I dont remember ever being this close to another person in my life. I have let this guy into my life in so many ways that i have never before even considered. I am able to be very intimate with him in lots of ways. I am not a sap, and didnt believe in love, much less "love at first sight" but here I am. I am happier than i have ever been in my life. I still do not believe all of this has happened.

I had my entire life planned out with my husband, so this is CRAZY that all of this has happened. Met boyfriend THREE MONTHS AGO. That is it. My life has completely changed. I have never wanted children but now i do. I wasnt crazy about kids (more afraid than anything) but love his kids. They are great kids. He has raised all but one by himself, he was a single dad for most of their lives. I love them automatically because they are his. Just for the record, he said his marriage had been over a long time before we met. He had been sleeping in the guest room for years.

The reason i included so many details is because i would love to hear some feedback. Am i a total shit for divorcing a blind guy and then living with him? Am I stupid? Do i deserve to be happy at others expense? You guys give honest feedback and I need some.

Thanks

 

[Smokeyjoe]

I can't relate to your situation and can't really give you an informed opinion on if its wrong, but here's my two cents.

For me I was lucky enough to find and marry the type of person you describe you found after you were married. If I found another who would do all the things my wife won't do now, like all the traditional wife things on her own and not expect me to help in any way while still going to work as my wife does now, even then I can't imagine leaving the person I am with now.

But I see that not everyone gets to know each other well enough and rush into something that maybe doesn't work for either party or people change for whatever reason and staying in that isn't good for anyone.

I am on the edges watching something similar to what you describe but very different circumstances with no spouses left alone after the new coupling. And from my seat it is wrong, not needed, not appropriate, acting/thinking like a kids, not considering others feelings, and just odd. But that's others/me and hopefully others, as I do, can see that someone being happy is a difficult thing, and that if together two people make each other happy then it's not a bad thing and though difficult for others they should accept it.

Or maybe it's bad and you should feel bad. Just kidding.

 

[Guest]

I do feel bad. But not bad enough apparently. Thanks Snorty Pig for your two cents. Mua! I think i need to take a step back but i havent figured out how. I should not be in this situation, but i am. Sigh.

 

[Ck11kid]

I've been married for a little over 5 years now. It's not that were not happy but after a while the signs become apparent and you sort of wish it was like it was in the beginning. So now  finally when were in bed ready to have sex I had to ask her "THE QUESTION."  "Can't you think of anyone else either?"........It's  def. not like it used to be..I really think I need therapy. any thoughts?

 

[Guest]

I am no one to give advice for sure, but i sympathize

 

[jthompson27566]

My wife and I have been together for 34 years. We got married when she was 19 and I was 20. We had a child on the way and I was finishing college. Throughout the 34 years there have been good times and bad times but through it all we both agreed till "death do us part" and she hasn't killed me yet. Now with that said, I'm not passing condemnation on anyone, it's not my place to judge, Lord knows I'm the least qualified to do that to anyone. My wife is the ying to my yang! We're totally opposite in almost every respect of the word. Throughout the 34 years there have been a lot of "going to pack" moments but we've managed to work through them. Now two grown children later, both successful in their own right, our relationship is enjoying some of the best years we've ever had. I have to be honest that most of the blowups we've had have been my own doing. I came from a rough childhood, with a rough and tumble bunch of friends and developed a number of habits early in life. My saving grace was going away to college which got me away from the crowd and allowed me to grow up just a little. Once the kids got out on their own our relationship was much easier to manage, amazing how many of our arguments came about because of the children, finances, differences on what we should allow them to do, and etc. However, both of us are very blessed to be reasonably healthy, we stay active, we kayak together, we walk and run together, and travel occasionally. Neither one of us have jobs we like but they pay the bills and we both need to hold on for about 6-8 more years and we're hanging it up even if we have to eat cat food. Now with all of that being said, to me relationships require work, pure and simple, kind of like dieting, requires discipline and effort, nothing is simple. It requires communication and commitment, both giving up something to appease the other. Even now 34 years later, there are times when I'd like to throw everything in a pile, separate it, sell it, take my half and move to the mountains to get away from it all. However, life and time has taught me that regardless of who you're with, there will be problems, just a different set than what you may be faced with at the moment. Like my dad use to say, "grass is always greener on the other side, until you jump the fence and start eating." One thing I can clearly say is I know my wife loves me, even as I am, and I can trust her completely. I also know how she thinks and how she will react in certain situations. There is considerable comfort in knowing that as we get older together. Have a great day all....

 

[High Tide]

The reason i included so many details is because i would love to hear some feedback. Am i a total shit for divorcing a blind guy and then living with him? Am I stupid? Do i deserve to be happy at others expense? You guys give honest feedback and I need some.

Thanks

Cat it sounds like you are like most ladies I somehow come to love, abused when young and then unable to enjoy a normal sexual relationship. The ladies that I had relationships with were drawn to me by apparently the same way you describe. Meeting a guy who wasn't trying to "jump their bones" at the first chance they got. Seems like you and this guy became friends before letting the physical attraction take place. It's what everyone would do in a perfect world.

So you are still living with your hubby? If so then no, your aren't stupid or a pos. Your trying to help someone that you love. I tried getting back with my wife after we broke up but we were not happy, we just still loved each other and were trying to help one another through a bad financial time to be honest. When things got better and we could afford to live apart we split up again. She has been having trouble financially and hinting she wanted to stay with me again, but living with her makes me miserable so I won't do it again. 

So, not only are you not a bad person, you are a good person for trying to help someone you care about. You deserve to be happy. As hard as it may be you'll have to be honest and explain the situation to your hubby. Tell him that you still care about him and will do what you can to help him, as you are now, but eventually you have to do what makes you happy. If he cares about you, and even though he seems to be taking advantage of you I'm sure he does care, then he'll be glad you were able to find a person who makes you feel good. A relationship based on sex alone isn't any better than one that doesn't include it. 

Do what you have to do to make yourself happy. You've done enough to make another person happy, and hopefully it can continue. People who really care about each other want their partner to be happy even if it hurts them. Your hubby needs to learn to be more independent anyway. Do what you can to help him, as you have been, if he wants you to. If he is bitter or tries to make you feel guilty then he is just taking advantage of you. If so then don't feel obligated to help him anymore. If he is understanding and wants you to be happy then do what you can to remain friends and help him through the transition.

But don't rush into having a child. I'm not sure if this is something you thought about, but if so I would suggest you wait at least a year before making that jump. IMO everyone should have at least a year together as a "trial period" before making a huge commitment like having a child.

I wish you the best. Hopefully everyone involved will act in the others best interest. You're a good person and you do deserve to be happy. If all of you really care about each other you'll end up being friends and helping each other as long as you live.

Good luck and best wishes, H~T.

 

[Denise]

I've been married for a little over 5 years now. It's not that were not happy but after a while the signs become apparent and you sort of wish it was like it was in the beginning. So now  finally when were in bed ready to have sex I had to ask her "THE QUESTION."  "Can't you think of anyone else either?"........It's  def. not like it used to be..I really think I need therapy. any thoughts?

More play.   Be adventurous.  Do you really know their secret desires?  Learn them, don't judge.

When angry - have bags of marshmellows on hand - throw them at each other - who will get hurt?

You will end up laughing and eating marshmellows.   LOL

Or work out repressed resentments that are killing your desire for each other.  Old unresolved baggage that builds up until it smothers your desire and love.   Pretend you are the other person and they are you - talk to each other as them, so each can see for themselves how they are perceived, how they really behave.

I was with same person 40 yrs  and wanted to F- his brains out everyday of our lives.......

because he made me feel wanted, cherished, treasured, safe, special, his best friend, confidante, and love of his life.

If you don't work to keep your relationship feeling "new" or "fresh" everyday - you're right, marriage gets stale, lose desire.

If you aren't excited to see your spouse after work and do things together........just don't get married.

I had it.  I know the joy of it. 

Don't settle for less.

 

[Beranda]

More play.   Be adventurous.  Do you really know their secret desires?  Learn them, don't judge.

When angry - have bags of marshmellows on hand - throw them at each other - who will get hurt?

You will end up laughing and eating marshmellows.   LOL

Or work out repressed resentments that are killing your desire for each other.  Old unresolved baggage that builds up until it smothers your desire and love.   Pretend you are the other person and they are you - talk to each other as them, so each can see for themselves how they are perceived, how they really behave.

I was with same person 40 yrs  and wanted to F- his brains out everyday of our lives.......

because he made me feel wanted, cherished, treasured, safe, special, his best friend, confidante, and love of his life.

If you don't work to keep your relationship feeling "new" or "fresh" everyday - you're right, marriage gets stale, lose desire.

If you aren't excited to see your spouse after work and do things together........just don't get married.

I had it.  I know the joy of it. 

Don't settle for less.

Denise, 

Congratulations, you Grand Poobah, you!

You've been a great and helpful poster, I've so enjoyed and respected so many of the matters you've touched upon.

I love this marriage advise, you are a wise lady!

Have a great weekend!!

Thank you for your help and support, 

Beranda

 

[High Tide]

Denise, 

Congratulations, you Grand Poobah, you!

You've been a great and helpful poster, I've so enjoyed and respected so many of the matters you've touched upon.

I love this marriage advise, you are a wise lady!

Have a great weekend!!

Thank you for your help and support, 

Beranda

That's nice of you to notice and let her know Beranda. I've had the pleasure of knowing what a special lady she is for a while now. If not for the distance she is one of the few ladies here I might actually "hit on". I know we'd be good friends, as we are now, but her passion, compassion, intellect and gorgeous hair (among other pretty parts) would make me fall for her in no time. 

And please people, don't let this get taken out of context. Denise knows I  /default_wub.png her and if you know her I'm sure you do to. Heres some hugs for you Denise. XX /default_sleep.png  XX Along with a place for a peck on the cheek. /default_biggrin.png

 

[Smokeyjoe]

Denise is nice /default_smile.png.

 

[Denise]

Denise, 

Congratulations, you Grand Poobah, you!

You've been a great and helpful poster, I've so enjoyed and respected so many of the matters you've touched upon.

I love this marriage advise, you are a wise lady!

Have a great weekend!!

Thank you for your help and support, 

Beranda

Thank you, Beranda.  I always enjoy "talking" with you.  You are a very nice person to be friends with.....