Marriage is not what I'd hoped

I impulsively got married a couple years ago and I'm miserable. I was sober at the time and then I relapsed, and now I seem to relapse every few months. Drugs seem to be the only escape. The problem is for some reason my wife likes me way more than I like her. I'm too chicken to divorce her, but being married I keep building up pressure until I go back to drugs because I'm so unhappy. Sorry for bitching I don't know what to do.

 
I know this is an old post but I must say when I see a wedding being set up, or a girl shopping for a wedding dress I can't help but say under my breath...... Don't do it!!!!

 
I’ve been married twice and I’ll never do it again. First was an abusive (emotional and mental...physical abuse was on the horizon) asshole, second was a narcissistic asshole (this dude literally had every single trait of a narcissist). 

Whenever people tell me they’re getting married, I immediately say “Make sure you really know who you’re marrying. Take the ‘rose-colored’ glasses off and see their true self. 

And yes, I’m bitter as hell! But so would you if you were married to these guys. Esp the 2nd ex-hubby. I just have zero faith in marriage. Both ex’s changed for the worse after marrying them. But there were warning signs before each marriage...I just chose to ignore them and leave those shit rose glasses on. Lol. But...those glasses got torched and will never be used again. 

I look at it this way: I have enough of my own problems & issues to deal with/worry about...I sure as hell don’t need anybody else’s.  

 
Under the law, marriage is a legal contract, at least in the U.S.   I don't want to be in a monetary legal contract ever again.  Look at what happens on here, even the vendors that you don't even know screw you over and I bet the women to men ratio for that is much higher. I"ve also been married twice and both were shit, but when my second husband died 3 years ago, realized how much I loved him.  He was verbally abusive and treated me like shit, but it's even worse having no one to help, no one to say good night to, no one to vacation with, someone to at least help minimally with the kids, especially someone to discuss your day with.  I also would never get married again, but a non-monetary companion would be nice.  I am only in mid-50s, I look passable, but in my heart of hearts, I know there will never be another man interested in me and I will have to live alone trying to fix lawnmowers and move furniture by myself till I die with no family or friends to help.  COVID sure hasn't helped at all.  More loneliness.   I swear I love my dog more than anyone I know.

 
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  1. L @ Layne_Cobain: 1914 I meant
  2. L @ Layne_Cobain: I often wish I lived during the turn of the century or at least before the Harrison narcotics act or whatever I think it was 1924 the fun ended but anyway yeh being able to get laudanum, ❄️ and amphetamine at the local friendly pharmacy
  3. Maelstrom @ Maelstrom: Chew on the leaves with a bit of slaked lime and enjoy the mild boost you get from the raw base.
  4. Maelstrom @ Maelstrom: I’m sure you know the folks in the mountainous regions along South Americas pacific side buy cócà leaves at the local farmers market just to help acclimate to the higher elevation when they have to head up into the hills.
  5. Maelstrom @ Maelstrom: I would certainly have bought it, swilled it, enjoyed it…. Why not? A little boost in your juice isn’t going to hurt anyone.
  6. R @ Royboy99: Exports were reported to have around 7.2mg per FL OZ, it’s success is what actually led to Coca Cola
  7. Maelstrom @ Maelstrom: Having cramps and husband thinks you’re acting hysterical (ie. PMS) the doc would either perform a certain massage to relieve the strains of motherhood and family life of that time or send you down to the local apothecary for a bottle of laudanum… A tincture of alcohol and 10% òpìųm. Fun days huh?
  8. R @ Royboy99: @malestrom: yeah thats it, my bad Mariani, yeah i considered that and also its ROA, which was oral so the bioavailability was lower than insufflation, higher degree of purity tho and longer duration … there was a significant marked increase of patents filed by Edison during the time it was released in the US. Presidents were known to use it as well, and the Queen. The pope awarded the wine the Vatican gold medal award
  9. Maelstrom @ Maelstrom: I think it was called vin Mariani. But yeah, it was all the rave back in the turn to the 20th century. Original formula Coca Cola did it for a while too. I think it was pretty weak though. Something like 200 mg per liter of wine. Enough to maybe give you a little push but unless you could pound some serious alcohol, it’d be hard to really feel the effects before the ethyl knocked you down on the ground. It was an interesting time period. Laudanum was a “hysterical” woman’s best friend.
  10. R @ Royboy99: Maybe it’s the admixture of my South American dna that works so well with it ? 🤷
  11. R @ Royboy99: It’s all evident in memory recall, my emails, meetings, … people invest everything they have in a nootropic that provides this… desperately searching without success and it’s right there right under their nose (no pun) … stigmatized by society and outlawed.
  12. R @ Royboy99: Now I’m not foolish or delusional to think that it made Edison who he was … it just allowed him to Edison to Edison to a greater degree … and I see it doing that for me and others who use it as a productive tool and not a substance of abuse.. you can look at this data with the level of patents filed by Edison during that time … comparable to Barry bonds or McGuire breaking records while they were subtly enhanced
  13. R @ Royboy99: One could argue that we would not have motion pictures if it wasn’t for ❄️
  14. R @ Royboy99: I also take month long breaks and replace with Ritalin for receptor recovery
  15. R @ Royboy99: And while it may sound insane and completely destructive … small microdoses of ❄️ has really transformed me. I did extensive research on its use by Edison, the pope at the time, and many others who got great benefit from a wine concoction called vin Mariani … this subtle enhancement changed the world and as long its used with a high degree of control, it’s amazing. you may think I’m crazy … but I’m just being as transparent as I can
  16. R @ Royboy99: I’ve grown to realize that my time is finite and Im only getting older… I’m back to relying on small PRN doses of FDA trialed BZDs and it’s made tremendous improvements to my quality of life. I just need to get out there more and meet someone new, it’s the only piece that’s missing since I’ve managed to get it together
  17. R @ Royboy99: @LatsDoodis: thanks brother … I’ve spent months trying to put myself in uncomfortable places to grow stronger. Hours of research, thousands on supplements, therapy etc …
  18. LatsDoodis @ LatsDoodis: @Royboy99 You’re not yet lost. Cut them losses and do what you don’t want to do. Take the boring, shameful, nerve racking way out. It’s the only road back to balance. When you’re ready, you’ll do it. Hit me up if you want support quitting. This ain’t worth your life!
  19. R @ Royboy99: Grateful that this site exists and realizing that trying to save a few bucks today may cost me so much more in the future …
  20. R @ Royboy99: The hardest hit was losing my girl , and I still feel the tremendous heartache everyday, over a year later … knowing that I caused it all. She gave me multiple chances and I let her down everytime … I use Diaz and kpins going on year now for my panic attacks, ptsd and anxiety. With no issues and see a therapist weekly
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